DEAR HARRIETTE: My roommate has been repeatedly borrowing my clothes without permission and returning them stained or stretched out. I recently discovered that she also used my laptop without asking, leading to scratches on the screen and unauthorized downloads. Confronting her about these incidents makes me uncomfortable and anxious about potential conflicts. Unfortunately, moving out is not currently an option for me due to financial constraints. I just want to live in an environment where I do not need to check every little thing. -- Disrespectful Roommate
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DEAR DISRESPECTFUL ROOMMATE: You and your roommate need to establish ground rules for living together. That should have occurred before you moved in, but here you are. Push past your worries about conflict and think about appropriate boundaries for healthy living. Invite your roommate to sit down for a meeting with you. Tell her you have some concerns and need to address them with her. Explain that while you are roommates and you must share space, you did not expect her to wear your clothing or use your computer without your permission. Tell her you were surprised to notice that she has done these things. Point out that you have noticed some of your clothes being worn, soiled and stretched, though you are certain you did not loan them to her. Similarly, explain what you noticed about your computer.
Ask her not to use your things without your permission. Period. Sit back and listen for what she has to say. Sometimes people blur boundaries because that’s the way they grew up. For instance, if she had siblings who commonly wore each other’s clothes, she may not have thought about the fact that you are not her sibling and, therefore, she doesn’t have the same rights. Do your best not to judge, but instead to understand her. Then come to an agreement on what you two can share and what remains off limits. Lock away your computer and put your valuable clothing and accessories in suitcases if you need to keep them out of her reach.