DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom is about to turn 60, which is a huge milestone, and my dad doesn’t seem to be planning anything special for her. She’s always been the one who goes above and beyond for everyone else in the family, so my siblings and I thought it would be nice for her to have a relaxing spa day. She absolutely loves going to the spa, and we figured it would be a thoughtful gift from my dad, something that shows how much he appreciates her. We suggested this idea to him a few weeks ago, and he initially agreed it was a great plan. The issue now is that instead of taking the lead and arranging everything, my dad has started asking us to step in and help organize the whole thing. He’s even asking if we can chip in financially to cover the cost of the spa package.

This was supposed to be his gift to his wife, and we really wanted him to make the effort. It feels like he’s passing the responsibility on to us, which just doesn’t seem right for such a significant birthday. I’m not sure what to do at this point. Should we go ahead and help him, or is it fair to push back and let him handle this on his own? -- Big Birthday

DEAR BIG BIRTHDAY: Stop dreaming and pretending that your father is going to wake up and become a big party planner. Your mother knows who he is. Instead, take a different approach. Plan the birthday together with your father. Make it a gift from the family, rather than being invisible behind the scenes with your siblings. Figure out the budget, how much each of you can contribute and what duties each of you will have. Present the plan to your father and siblings, and then make it happen. Your mother will not be disappointed that the family worked together, nor should you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating “Karl” for nine months, and we’ve started discussing moving in together. While I’m excited about the prospect, I have concerns about how our differing cleaning habits and household responsibilities might affect our relationship. I tend to be more organized and prefer a tidy home, while my partner is more relaxed about cleanliness. I subtly mentioned last night that many modern couples have separate bedrooms -- with the option of unlimited sleepovers, which can make the relationship still exciting. He despises the idea, saying we’ll be more like roommates than people in a relationship. Without offending him, how do I tell him I won’t be moving in if he does not agree with this? -- Living Together Questions

DEAR LIVING TOGETHER QUESTIONS: You have started this conversation in a convoluted way. Go back and be direct. Tell Karl that you like the idea of living with him on an emotional level, but you are concerned logistically. Explain that you have noticed that he is not tidy, and you fear that his approach to organization and cleanliness will be a problem for you. Describe how you would like your house to be kept and what you would hope he would contribute. Get him to talk about his willingness to be neater and to work with you on maintaining your home. But don’t just listen to what he says. Observe his environment for signs of improvement. He is showing you who he is. Can you live with him as-is? If not, don’t move in.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: When Sean “P. Diddy” Combs was arrested a few weeks ago, the news showed a video of him beating up a woman on a loop, and it disturbed me so much. What happened to that woman was awful, but there was more, and I couldn’t figure it out at first. Then I realized that it was triggering for me: When I was younger, my college boyfriend beat me up and threw me down the hall in a rage. It was horrible. Worse, nobody helped me. This occurred in his dorm at college, and there were guys who came out in the hall to see what the noise was, but not one of them did anything. I hate to admit it, but I probably would have gone back with him if it hadn’t been for my sister who was living with me and rescued me emotionally. I was a mess. Seeing almost the identical scenario play out on TV brought it all back to me. I thought I was over it, but that video got me thinking once again about how I could be so stupid to allow myself to get to that vulnerable place. How do you fully heal from that type of abuse? What can I do now that I’m all messed up again? -- Triggered

DEAR TRIGGERED: Sadly, many people were triggered by that video. It’s natural that seeing abuse in action stirs up one’s own horrors. In a moment when you experience a strong reaction, you can practice deep breathing, remove yourself from the situation (i.e. turn off the TV), call a friend and rely on that ally.

You would also benefit from psychological counseling. Engage a professional to walk you through your life and experiences. Check in with yourself and your story to see how you are managing today. How do you interact in intimate relationships now? Have you figured out how to set boundaries and be safe? Do some exploration to determine your psychological and physical safety. You are worth it.

To learn more about dealing with triggers, go to betterup.com/blog/triggers.

DEAR HARRIETTE: The advice you gave to “Tight Budget,” the reader debating going to a destination wedding, was wrong. She shouldn't have to do without for a few months just to attend a wedding. If the bride really wanted and expected people to attend her wedding, she should have it in a closer location. It is selfish for the couple to ask people to spend that much money. They could have the real wedding nearby, then go wherever they wanted for the honeymoon. Tight Budget should say to her "friend," "I love you. I'm happy for you. But I just can't afford a trip." True friendship is built on honesty. A real friend would understand and not expect someone to spend money they don't have. -- Wrong Answer

DEAR WRONG ANSWER: Your strong opinion is valid. Thank you for sharing it. I also think the bride and groom have the right to host their wedding wherever they choose, and the invitees should not feel guilty if the cost is prohibitive.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m afraid my past embarrassing moments will make my boyfriend see me in a different light. I’ve been dating “Bryan” for two years now, and he is insisting on coming to my hometown to meet my friends, as I have met his. We both live in the city where we work, but I grew up as an overweight kid in a low-income household with neglectful parents. I have nine siblings. Due to parental neglect, I had some hygiene issues that led to bullying throughout school -- I had lice, body odor and poor oral care. In contrast to how I used to be, I am different as an adult, with a decent job that pays well and complete hygienic care. My boyfriend knows me as someone meticulous about her body, who takes care of herself and maintains a slim figure. Now that he is insisting on vising my hometown, I’m afraid he will learn about that past version of me and be disgusted by the stories. I’ve been declining to make this trip for two years; how do you think I should proceed? This is a sensitive topic for me. -- New Leaf in a New City

DEAR NEW LEAF IN A NEW CITY: Talk to your boyfriend and tell him about your past. In order to build a meaningful relationship with him, you need to reveal who you are in your entirety. Before stepping foot in your hometown, sit down and open up. Talk about your family and some of the challenges you faced as a child. Describe your past physical self and how you were ostracized because of it. Explain that it feels like opening an old wound to take him to your hometown. Over time you may decide to take him, but your first step of giving him a glimpse of your world should help him to back off a bit -- at least for now.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I posted a video on TikTok showcasing how I packed my 5-year-old daughter's lunchbox with ready-made cookie dough. Unfortunately, the response was overwhelmingly negative, with many criticizing my choice for not opting for a healthier or homemade alternative. I strive to provide my daughter with nutritious and enjoyable meals, but I also believe that a bit of convenience should not be condemned. Balancing practicality with healthy choices is important to me, and I believe that occasional treats are acceptable. How can I address the criticism without feeling discouraged? Do you have any advice on finding a middle ground between convenience and health in my daughter's lunches? Your support and guidance would be greatly appreciated. -- Healthy Choices

DEAR HEALTHY CHOICES: First of all, I bet plenty of those naysayers give their children chips and sweets in their lunch, so take a breath. Your internet trolls reacted to one post as if that is what you do every day. Take it for what it’s worth. In terms of how to best care for your child, look up healthy snacks and provide those most days: fresh and dried fruit, nuts (if allowed at the school), low-sodium and low-sugar snacks. You can occasionally mix in a homemade cookie, but make sure your child knows that it is a rare treat.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)