Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm in the middle of planning my wedding, and as part of that, I’ve always dreamed of having a bachelorette trip with my closest friends in Italy. However, my bridesmaids, who I thought would be as excited as me, have expressed concerns about the trip. Many of them have said that it’s simply too expensive, and that with the cost of flights, accommodations and expenses while we're there, it’s just not realistic for them.

I understand that Italy is a big ask and that people have different financial situations, but I can’t help feeling disappointed. I would cover some of the costs if I could, but with all of the wedding expenses, I’m not sure I can do much more than I’m already doing to help. Some of my friends have even suggested doing something local or more affordable, but it just doesn’t feel the same to me. I don’t want them to feel pressured or guilty, yet I also don’t want to give up on my dream trip.

How do I handle this without making my friends uncomfortable or feeling like I’m pushing them into something they can’t afford? Should I let go of the Italy trip and compromise, or is there a way to make this work so everyone can feel included without the financial strain? -- Bachelorette Dreams

DEAR BACHELORETTE DREAMS: You do not have to give up on the idea of taking a trip to Italy, but it sounds like you will not be able to do it with your bridesmaids. They have made it clear to you that they cannot afford to go, and you have figured out that you cannot afford to finance their trip. So let that plan go. Now concentrate on other options. Can Italy be your honeymoon destination? Maybe you and your spouse can enjoy the experiences you had wanted for you and your girlfriends. Perhaps you can talk to your friends about planning a girlfriends’ trip down the line after you are married and everybody has recovered financially from the wedding expenses. A delayed international getaway can still be fun.

Know that your wedding is likely costing your bridal party more than they can afford already. Just as it is pricey for you, there are lots of costs that creep up around a wedding that are not part of a person's normal budget. Be sensitive to what you are already requiring of your bridesmaids. Take a breath, and recast your vision for this trip.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend “Bea” is popular, and I am not. She’s a cheerleader and is one of the popular kids, while I’m just a normal student who has fallen deeply in love with her. My parents have told me not to take it seriously and to focus on my studies, but I can’t help how I feel. I’m constantly jealous as I watch her with others, knowing she doesn’t feel the same way about me. The more I try to push these feelings aside, the stronger they seem to become. I feel lost and unsure of what to do with my emotions. Should I let go and move on, or continue hoping that one day she’ll see me for who I am? -- Unrequited Love

DEAR UNREQUITED LOVE: Lick your wounds and move on. It isn’t worth it to wait for Bea. At this moment in her life, she doesn’t see you the way you see her. Cast your gaze somewhere else so that you can feel whole. Seek out new friends, and live your life.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom and dad were happy celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary. Everything seemed perfect until a few days later, when my dad became distant and cold toward my mom. She started noticing the changes in his behavior, and then she found out the truth: My father has been cheating on my mother and hiding a baby that resulted from his affair.

My mom is heartbroken, and our whole family is shaken by the betrayal. The love and trust they built over the years are shattered now. I don’t know how to handle seeing my parents in such pain. I feel torn between supporting my mom and trying to fix things for my dad. I need to decide whether to stand by my mom and help her heal or try to get my dad to make things right. -- Heartbreaking Truth

DEAR HEARTBREAKING TRUTH: You can love both of your parents as you live through this awkward and heartbreaking situation. Do your best not to pick sides. Your father’s actions have certainly damaged the family. Sadly, because there is a baby involved, the impact on your family dynamics will last a lifetime. That does not mean that your parents cannot repair their relationship if they choose to do so. Your family is in the early stages of dealing with a huge challenge. Try to be there to console your mother and listen to your father. If they do talk to you, don’t badmouth anyone. Just offer love. It will be difficult, and all you can do is your best. Remember, though, that this is not your problem to fix.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boss is unreasonably strict, and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to cope. Every day feels like walking on eggshells, and I’m constantly on edge around him. He sets unrealistic standards and is quick to criticize even the smallest mistakes I make. Although the stress is overwhelming, I’m determined to stay in the job for the stability it provides my family. However, I’m worried that this constant pressure is beginning to take a toll on my mental and physical well-being. I find myself questioning how much longer I can endure this before it negatively impacts my health. Should I try to adapt and push through, or is it time to consider looking for a more supportive work environment? -- Under Pressure

DEAR UNDER PRESSURE: Drum up the courage to speak to your boss. Plan it in advance so that you feel clear in your points. As you think it through, assess what you are good at. Where do you fall short? What can you offer to your boss in terms of improving your job performance? In those answers, you may want to point out that you are striving to do a better job at work and that when he constantly criticizes you, it can be difficult for you to perform optimally. Tell him that you want to do a good job and improve in the areas he has pointed out, but you need positive support and guidance from him. Right now, it is hard for you to work on improving when all you seem to get from him is disappointment and judgment.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: After the presidential election, I learned that my roommate and I do not share political views. I am sad now, and she is elated, and it is really hard to move forward. We argue whenever we talk. We have such different opinions about our world and our politics. I feel like it isn’t safe to be in my house because the way we think is so different. When I come home, I want to be able to relax. I want to move out, but it can’t happen for a few months. How can I deal with her until that time, and is it even worth it to talk to her since we have such different beliefs about the future? -- Political Differences

DEAR POLITICAL DIFFERENCES: I appreciate your conundrum, and I believe you can live through it. The great news about living in the United States is that we are supposed to be able to agree to disagree. No matter how heated things may become, we are supposed to be able to live side by side with people who don’t share our views. In practice, that can be tough.

Start by bringing up the elephant in the room. Express your feelings of discomfort, and tell your roommate that you are having a hard time grappling with your different worldviews. Ask her if you can agree to keep your conversations to neutral topics rather than lighting on incendiary issues. Agree to turn the page, so to speak, when an argument is beginning. You can also let her know your plans to move out. During the time that you have to be there, agree to be civil with each other.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I live in a three-bedroom apartment in New York City with two roommates I found online. For the most part, we’ve managed to get along well and coexist peacefully. However, a few months ago, one of my roommates got a dog, and while I was initially OK with it, the situation spiraled out of control quickly.

At first, I was excited about having a pet in the apartment. I’m a dog lover, and I didn’t think twice about welcoming the new addition. Unfortunately, it’s become clear that my roommate’s dog isn’t well-trained at all. He regularly has accidents inside the apartment, which my roommate doesn’t always clean up right away, leaving an unpleasant smell throughout the common areas. To make matters worse, the dog has also been destructive. He’s chewed up several pieces of our furniture in the living room, including the arm of our couch and one of the coffee table legs, not to mention clawing at the carpet. My roommate hasn’t shown any interest in training the dog nor in contributing to replace or repair the things he’s destroyed. How can I address this in a way that encourages my roommate to take responsibility for her dog’s behavior? -- Roommate Drama

DEAR ROOMMATE DRAMA: Create a list of concerns that you have, preferably for all roommates -- including yourself. Call a meeting. Bring up your issues, starting with the easier ones first, like kitchen and bathroom duties. Then move on to the dog and address those problems directly. Suggest that your roommate train her dog and clean up after it immediately -- or else. You and your other roommate -- and potentially your landlord -- will have to put your collective foot down to let this roommate know that there will be consequences.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)