Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently developed a love for having plants around my home because they add such a refreshing vibe, but I struggle to keep them alive. People remark that I don’t have a green thumb and that I should give up on this hobby, but I’m determined to prove them wrong. I’ve done a lot of research on how to care for plants, yet they always seem to wilt or lose their leaves. I’ve tried adjusting the watering schedule and moving them around, but nothing seems to work. I’m wondering if I’m overwatering or not providing enough light, but I can’t seem to figure out the right balance. I’ve also been concerned about the type of soil and whether I’m using the right pots for drainage. I really want to create a lush, green space in my home, but I’m starting to lose confidence in my plant-care abilities. I really don’t know whether I should continue with this or just give it up. -- Plant Frustration

DEAR PLANT FRUSTRATION: I have no personal experience to help you; sadly, I have no green thumb. My husband does, though. I watch him as he follows a set schedule for watering the various plants we have. Yes, there is research about sun exposure, water and nutrients. You should continue to read up on the plants you have, but also visit a nursery and ask a lot of questions. Experts tend to relish in sharing tips on plant survival. Commit to learning as much as you can. Get an expert to help you select sturdy plants that don’t need too much attention.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been putting off a big project -- the design for our new municipal hall -- for weeks, and now the deadline is fast approaching. I am in charge of drafting the design, which needs to be revised before the builders begin the construction process. I’m feeling paralyzed by the pressure and overwhelmed by the thought of failure. As the deadline draws closer, I feel more and more stuck, and it’s becoming difficult to get started. I know this is something I need to do, but the fear of not doing it perfectly is holding me back. At times, it feels like I’m making no progress, and at other moments, the pressure becomes too much to bear. I want to push through this procrastination, but I’m unsure how to break the cycle. -- Overcoming Procrastination

DEAR OVERCOMING PROCRASTINATION: Break your project down into small components of the big picture. Figure out what you can do each day to get you closer to your goal. Check off each accomplishment as you move along. This will give you energy and motivation to keep moving. Make sure your map has a finish line that is weeks before your actual deadline so that when you reach it, you still have time to tweak. Ask for help when you need it. Remind yourself that you can do it. You have the capacity to do this work; otherwise, you wouldn’t have gotten the project. Don’t forget this fact as you get closer to completion.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: It’s been a month since I lost my dad, and it's been hard for me and especially my mom. He was the provider for our family -- both financially and emotionally -- and he always taught us to strive to be better every day. Now that he’s gone, I feel as though a huge part of me is missing, and I’m struggling to process the grief. Every day feels like a challenge, and I often find myself overwhelmed with emotions. Some days, it feels like I can’t move forward, while on others, the weight of the pain is unbearable.

I want to be strong for my family, but inside I feel lost and uncertain about how to cope. I know I need help, but I’m not sure where to start or how to even take that first step toward healing. I’m constantly trying to stay strong, but it’s exhausting. Any advice on how I can cope with my emotions and take small steps toward healing would mean the world to me right now. -- Coping With Grief

DEAR COPING WITH GRIEF: Your wound is still fresh. Give yourself time to heal. Mental health professionals believe that there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance; no matter what, people have to go through all of them. While we know that death is inevitable for all of us, that reality doesn’t make it easier when it happens to someone close to you. Allow yourself to experience whatever you are feeling.

It’s also important to get help. You can find a grief counselor through your house of worship, your primary care doctor’s referral or even through your insurance company. If you are ever feeling suicidal, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline/National Crisis Hotline at 800-273-8255. You do not have to experience this alone.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who is constantly asking to borrow things from me. It started off small, like asking for a phone charger or a sweater, but now it’s escalated to bigger things like $300 loans or valuable items that are hard to replace. She always promises she’ll pay me back or return whatever she borrowed, but more often than not, I never see the item or money again. It’s frustrating because I feel like I’m being taken advantage of, but I don’t know how to handle it. Every time she asks, I find myself saying yes, even when I don’t want to, because I hate confrontation and feel terrible about saying no. I don’t want to ruin our 10-year friendship, but I’m starting to feel resentful. How can I set boundaries with her without coming across as selfish or damaging our relationship? How do I get her to understand that it’s not OK to keep borrowing without returning what she owes? -- Hand Out

DEAR HAND OUT: Your first step should be learning to say NO! You must do it. If you can muster the courage to say why, fine. If not, just say no. No, you can’t lend the money this time. No, she can’t borrow the sweater. No to whatever the request is. Eventually, she may ask why. That’s when you can explain that the "sharing" has always been a one-way relationship where you give and she takes. You’re done with that.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a woman in my 20s, and lately, my self-esteem has taken a serious plunge. Just a year ago, I felt confident, vibrant and happy with who I was. Recently, though, things have shifted, and I find myself constantly comparing myself to other women, whether it’s their looks, careers or social lives. It feels like I can’t measure up, no matter what I do, and these comparisons have been taking a massive toll on my mental health.

I’ve tried to combat these feelings of comparison by focusing on self-care. I’ve gotten haircuts, treated myself to facials and even kept up with getting my nails done. While these things temporarily make me feel a little better, the confidence never seems to stick. The moment I’m back on social media or surrounded by people, I feel inadequate again. I know confidence is supposed to come from within, but I feel so stuck. How do I stop this endless cycle of comparison and learn to feel good about myself again? -- Insecure

DEAR INSECURE: In this age of social media, it can seem impossible to not compare yourself to others for a million reasons. You may want to pause using social media in all forms. Focus on you and what interests you. Figure out what is fun for you, and do more of that. Scrutinize your relationships and decide to spend time only with positive people. You don’t have to say anything to the people who are naysayers or braggarts; just stop hanging out with them.

Also consider therapy. A professional can help you dive deeper into your own life to help you examine the root causes for your insecurity. That support may help you gain coping skills that can keep you feeling strong, no matter what comes your way.

DEAR HARRIETTE: An old friend of mine recently passed away. As I have been trying to help the family coordinate some details, I realized that I was no longer friends with him on social media. We had a falling out years ago, and he must have blocked me. I have since learned that other former friends had been blocked, too. It seems like he held a grudge against a number of us toward the end of his life. I feel so conflicted over this. I loved him as a friend for years, but now I’m feeling dissed all over again. I don’t want to harbor bad feelings about him, but this is making me sad. How can I handle this compounded grief? -- In Agony

DEAR IN AGONY: My best recommendation is to hold on to the good memories you have of your friend and forgive him for whatever else occurred. It is sad that you and others experienced negativity with this person, but there is nothing you can do about it now. To heal from this loss and all that it means to you will take time and tenderness. Do your best not to get caught up in bashing him with the others who are feeling hurt. Stay positive, and allow forgiveness to be your salve.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)