Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My younger sister is getting married to a man with a significant number of financial issues, and I’m really worried about her future. He has $300,000 in combined credit card debt and student loans, and to make matters worse, he’s earning only $40,000 a year. Meanwhile, my sister is much more successful; she has no debt and a stable career and earns a six-figure salary. She’s worked hard to get where she is, and I’m proud of her, but I can’t help feeling like she’s stepping into a financial disaster by marrying this man. I fear that once they’re married, he’s going to rely on her not only to cover their bills, but also to pay off his debt. I know marriage is about partnership, and everyone comes with their own baggage, but this feels different. It seems like he’s bringing an overwhelming financial burden to the relationship, and I don’t think my sister fully understands the long-term implications of this. I’ve tried hinting at my concerns, but she brushes me off and says she loves him and they’ll figure it out. I don’t want to overstep or come across as judgmental, but I’m genuinely scared for her financial stability and independence. Should I say something more directly, or is it better to let her learn the hard way? -- On the Plank

DEAR ON THE PLANK: While your sister may not listen, please speak to her candidly. Love is great, but practical planning is also important. Suggest that they talk to a financial planner about strategies for their future. This may help her see what role she will have in dealing with her fiance’s debt. She should also consider a prenuptial agreement to protect her assets in case they divorce.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have three children, ages 16, 5 and 2. My husband and I both work long hours, and since we are a low-income family, we’ve had to rely heavily on our 16-year-old to help with child care for her younger siblings. We’ve always been grateful for her help, but recently, she had an emotional breakdown and confronted us about how overwhelmed and unhappy she feels. She told us that it’s unfair that she’s expected to babysit her siblings so often and for free, and that she’s been forced to sacrifice a lot of her social life and personal time because of it. She feels like she doesn’t get to be a normal teenager who can hang out with her friends or join school activities. Her words really hit me hard; I didn’t realize how much of a toll this has taken on her. I know she has a point, and I don’t want her to feel like her needs and happiness don’t matter. At the same time, my husband and I are struggling to make ends meet, and paying for child care simply isn’t an option for us right now. I don’t want her to grow up resenting us or her siblings. How can I make this situation better for her while still managing the reality of our family’s financial situation? -- Need Help

DEAR NEED HELP: Create a “village” with other families with children. Ask if you can take turns caring for each other’s younger children to give your daughter a break. Consider changing your work schedules so that one of you works days and the other nights. You have to figure this out so that your daughter gets some time for herself. If you don’t, you may lose her.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: When I was single, I never learned how to cook; my mom always took care of that for us. However, after getting married, I’ve been wanting to learn how to cook more than just fried foods and to try more varied meals. The problem is that I always feel intimidated by complicated recipes. I end up sticking to the same meals every week because I don’t know where to start or how to manage it. The idea of cooking something new often feels daunting, and I worry about wasting ingredients or not getting the recipe right. I genuinely want to improve my cooking skills and experiment with different dishes, but I’m concerned it will be too stressful or take too much time. At times, I feel discouraged before I even start. Should I try breaking down the cooking process into smaller steps and gradually work my way up to more complex recipes? -- Cooking Anxiety

DEAR COOKING ANXIETY: Take a deep breath. Everything is going to be all right! Many people struggle with learning how to cook, but it is now easy to find simple recipes online that can guide you. Two websites where I find recipes are simplerecipes.com and allrecipes.com -- you truly can find instructions there for virtually every type of meal you are interested in preparing.

You may also choose to take a cooking class or purchase a meal delivery kit. Try cooking with your partner -- you could make it a date night!

You are wise to move away from eating fried foods every day. They are known to lead to health issues. As you learn to cook, search for healthy recipes that use the minimum amounts of saturated fat and oil. If you or your partner has any health issues, research what foods are good for supporting you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I recently decided to purchase a home, not just for ourselves, but for our kids to have a secure and stable shelter, especially if we’re no longer around. The house is quite plain, with no partitions or any significant renovations, so we’ve made the decision to renovate it before we move in. While I’m excited about the potential of creating a space that feels like home, the entire renovation process has been overwhelming. Among finding the right contractors, deciding on materials and keeping everything within our budget, I’m feeling the weight of the responsibility. The constant decision-making and the pressure to get everything right are taking a toll on me. I want to enjoy this experience and look forward to the end result, but the planning and organizing are starting to feel never-ending. It’s becoming difficult to balance everything else in my life while focusing on the renovation. -- Renovation Overload

DEAR RENOVATION OVERLOAD: You have taken on one of the most stressful tasks there is. Knowing that may help to give perspective. Keep the big picture in mind: You and your spouse have a plan for yourselves and your family that should have a generational impact. It is hard right now, but keep your eyes on the prize. If your children are old enough, engage them in the process. If there’s anything they can do to help, invite them to chip in. It could be something seemingly small, like preparing meals on especially long days or following up with particular contractors. Allow them to help you make this dream come true. It will keep them invested in their future.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: Merry Christmas! It’s amazing that we are already at this time of year. For those who observe Christmas as a religious holiday, I wish you the peace and hopefulness that this day stands for. For the many who have claimed Christmas as their time to embrace family just a little tighter regardless of their religion, blessings to you, too.

When I was growing up, the holiday season was my family’s favorite. We had a full calendar of activities, many opportunities to dress up and, of course, the promise of presents under the tree. This season means that festivities are at an all-time high -- right alongside spending. I feel the need to remind myself -- and you -- that it is smart to take a pause at this time and remember to give thanks for the little things. Do your best not to become overwhelmed by the one-upmanship that sometimes occurs during the holiday season. Find ways to show your loved ones that you care for them that need not be attached to things. Give your time to the people you love.

On Christmas Day and the days surrounding it, look around: Who in your family and community would appreciate a little TLC? Notice the elders. Be sure to take time to talk to them. Let them recount old tales of when they were young. Ask them about holiday memories. Record what they tell you (if you can). You will treasure those stories for years to come, and if you preserve them, you can share them with the next generation.

Continue to look around. Who are the worker bees in your family? Do they need help? Jump in and volunteer for a dishwashing shift or to make a salad or to clean up the family room after gifts have been opened. Be helpful. Believe it or not, this can also protect you from the nosy family members who always have a thousand questions. If you are busy working and helping out with chores, the busybodies will have less time to meddle!

Remember to carve out quiet time for yourself as well. During larger family gatherings, it can be difficult to have solo moments. Plan a brisk walk outside to clear your head. Step away from any conversations that appear to be getting heated. It can be so easy to be triggered when you gather with people who share a lot of history with you. Don’t fall into the trap. Give yourself an out when things take a turn.

Take a page out of my mother’s book: Actively practice gratitude. Start each day making a list of things that you are grateful for. Start with the obvious -- gratitude for waking up to a new day. Then look around. What do you see that brings you joy? It could be sunlight, or a loved one, a pet or a favorite book, a comfy old robe or pair of slippers, your home. Whatever comes to mind, write it down to make it concrete. Feel the gratitude for whatever you see, and acknowledge it in your heart. When you feel stretched or stressed, when things don’t seem to be going your way, when the comparisons get you down, go to your list and remind yourself of what you are thankful for.

I, for one, am grateful for all of you!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)