Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My long-term partner and I have built a wonderful life together, but there’s one major issue we can’t seem to resolve, which is whether we want kids. He’s always wanted to have children, and I’ve always been sure that I don’t.

In the beginning of our relationship, this wasn’t a big topic of discussion, but now that we’re getting older, it’s becoming impossible to ignore. He’s made it clear that having a family is important to him, while I can’t imagine my life going in that direction. We love each other deeply and have a strong relationship in every other way, but I’m afraid this difference is too big to overcome. I don’t want to be the reason he gives up his dream of becoming a parent, but I also don’t want to force myself into a role I know I don’t want. Neither of us wants to break up, but I’m struggling to see how we can move forward without resentment or regret. Is there a way to find a compromise on something this big, or are we simply incompatible in the long run? -- At a Crossroads

DEAR AT A CROSSROADS: This is a tough one as it is fundamental to the creation of family. What’s most important is that you talk it out completely. Listen to each other, and see if there is a creative idea that may present a compromise. For example, can you be godparents to your friends’ or siblings’ children so that he can be as integrally involved in a child’s life as they will allow without you having to take on a responsibility that is beyond your capacity? I know people without children who have stepped into that role and experienced profound fulfillment.

If you two cannot come to a meeting of the minds, talk about parting ways. Make this decision together.

From my personal experience, I had decided that I was not going to have children, and my husband knew that. The short version of this story is that 10 years into our marriage, I got pregnant. I now have a 21-year-old daughter and could not be happier. I fully admit that I was wrong. I believe God intervened on my behalf. That said, don’t allow yourself to be forced into anything. That will not work.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been a journalist for a few years now. As you know, this line of work can be really unpredictable. About two years ago, I was laid off from my last full-time gig. Since then, I’ve been working freelance doing script writing and copywriting for three to four months at a time. I’ve also been taking brand partnerships as a social media influencer. The money is there, but it is a constant chase and hustle, and to be honest, I think I’m ready to throw in the towel. Journalism is my true love, but I’m considering going to law school and pursuing entertainment law. I’m in need of some stability, but I am 36, so I’d be a 40-year-old first-year lawyer. Should I wait out the storm or move on? -- Sad Journalist

DEAR SAD JOURNALIST: I like the idea of law school. That preparation is good for any career, including journalism, as it will make you an expert in a particular area. You don’t have to give up one to do the other.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dreaming of traveling solo for a while now, but every time I bring it up, friends and family warn me that it’s too dangerous. They tell me that I should wait until I have a travel companion or join a group trip. While I understand their concerns, I don’t want fear to hold me back from experiencing the world on my own terms.

I do worry that traveling alone might feel isolating. As exciting as it sounds to have the freedom to explore at my own pace, I’m nervous that I might get lonely without someone to share the experience with. I don’t want to spend the whole trip feeling like something is missing or wishing I had someone there with me. I’ve read about people who say solo travel is life-changing and builds confidence, but I wonder if it’s right for me.

How can I make sure I stay safe while also getting the most out of the experience? Should I push past my doubts and go for it, or is it better to wait until I find a travel companion? -- On the Road

DEAR ON THE ROAD: Do not let other people’s fears prevent you from pursuing your dreams. Many people have the fortitude to venture out on their own and do so safely and successfully. For some people, traveling in groups and having to mesh schedules and interests can be painful and seem like a burden. It all depends on your personality. Do not let your loved ones convince you to do what they would find most comfortable.

If you decide to travel alone, take the necessary precautions. Make sure someone has your full itinerary, including contact information for the various places where you will be staying, flight info, etc., as you have it. Do your research to learn about points of interest, areas that are considered dangerous and why, dress codes, costs and customs. One great resource is travel.state.gov -- click Travel Advisories in the banner at the top. Be cautious, even as you can be adventurous.

Be wary of stereotypes, too. For example, I was cautioned about visiting and living in Harlem years ago. I was told it was unsafe. Not only did I visit -- at first in daytime out of caution -- but I ended up moving there. It was and is just as safe as any other neighborhood in the Big Apple.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I think you flubbed the last part of your answer to “Bad Choice,” the writer who dated a man at work who then made inappropriate overtures after she dumped him. After she meets with this guy (personally, I think she should skip this part), she should send him an email so that there's a record stating that she is following up on their conversation. She should reiterate that what he is doing is inappropriate, and she is requesting that it stop. She should also let him know that although she would like to maintain the cordial relationship they had prior to the failed dating attempt, if he continues to send inappropriate content, she will escalate with the human resources department. You missed the fact that once she asks him to stop, if he doesn't, it puts the company at risk of a sexual harassment case. Please consider revising your answer, as simply ignoring unwanted advances was not correct for any person -- male or female -- to do. -- Amendment

DEAR AMENDMENT: Strong and fair points. Thank you for sharing your insights.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: A couple of months ago, I got back into the dating scene after focusing on myself for a while. I met a handsome guy who goes to church, has a good job and is ambitious and sweet. Dating him has been great, and it’s exactly the sort of romance I prefer. I decided to open up to my friends about this new person, and I learned that a girlfriend of mine dated him a year or two ago. She says it was very casual, which is a relief. Now, though, the thought of physical intimacy is looming in my mind. Should I leave this guy alone? -- Lover and Friend

DEAR LOVER AND FRIEND: Did your friend express any reservations about you dating this man? As big as the world seems, we are often reminded how small it turns out to be in terms of our points of connection. If you had said your friend had been serious with this man and was uncomfortable about you dating him, that could be grounds for reservation on your part, but casual dating a year or more ago does not necessarily send up a red flag.

Ask your friend if there’s anything you should know about your guy that sounds an alarm. Find out what she liked about him -- and also why they stopped going out -- but do not belabor the point.

Focus on your own relationship with this man. You gave a list of things that you like about him. Go back to that list and see if they remain true. Take your time getting close to him. If you expect that he will meet your friends, you should also tell him who they are and that when you were talking about dating him, one remarked that she had dated him, too. Observe his reaction to that news. Again, don’t make a big deal out of it. As far as intimacy goes, when it feels right, you can take that next step. Don’t worry about it until then.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'd like to chime in with some advice to your reader who gets nervous at job interviews. When I started out in the working world, I would get so nervous in interviews that I would shake and my voice would quiver. A couple of things helped me tremendously.

First, after each interview, I wrote down the questions I was asked and prepared answers for those questions before the next interview. The same questions are often asked in multiple interviews.

Then, I worked on getting excited about my answers. An interviewer once told me my answers were good, but I didn't have any "pizazz," so I worked on showing pizazz -- and I got offers from each of the rest of that round of interviews.

One other thing: At the end of each interview, I would ask each interviewer how I did and got many candid answers that helped me prepare for future interviews. -- Interview Veteran

DEAR INTERVIEW VETERAN: Brilliant strategy on your part. Your proactivity and willingness to learn at each step paid off. Thank you for sharing.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)