Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m worried about my husband. We recently moved to a new town for my job, and I can tell he’s having a hard time adjusting. We lived in our previous town for 15 years, and now we’re halfway across the country. While I knew the transition would be difficult, I don’t think either of us fully realized just how much it would affect him. He misses his family deeply, and not having that familiar support system nearby has been tough. He’s always been a social person, and in our old town, he had built strong friendships and routines that gave him a sense of belonging. Here, he feels isolated, and even though we’ve been trying to meet new people, it’s just not the same. I can see how much he’s struggling.

On top of that, he had to start a new job when we moved, and he’s not happy. He took the first opportunity he could find, but it’s not the right fit for him. Unfortunately, despite applying to other positions, he hasn’t been able to find anything better yet. Between his dissatisfaction at work and his loneliness outside of it, I worry about how all of this is affecting his overall well-being. How can I help him adjust and feel more at home in our new town? -- Fish Out of Water

DEAR FISH OUT OF WATER: In the short term, invite friends from your old town to come visit. Bring some familiarity and love into your new space so that your husband can relax and see that he can have fun there. You can also plan a visit to your old town to spend time with loved ones. Feeling homesick can be difficult, and a quick and sincere hug from old friends can go a long way.

Next, think about hobbies that might interest your husband. Encourage him to get busy by becoming active in local events, going to the gym, volunteering for community organizations -- something that will take his mind off of his problems and put him in the company of other people. It takes focused and consistent effort to build relationships in a new place. Keep reinforcing the positive and encouraging patience.

DEAR HARRIETTE: This message is regarding “The Driver,” the devoted church member who regularly drives churchgoers to events but was publicly chastised when they couldn’t one day. I am a retired minister, and your response to the driver could have been handled in a much different way. Instead of dragging an already overworked minister into the middle of this, the best answer is for the driver to talk to the lady herself and tell her to stop talking bad about them. This is the scriptural way of handling issues in the church. If the lady refuses to stop talking bad, then get the minister involved. -- A Pastor

DEAR A PASTOR: Thank you for sharing your view on this. Going directly to a person who is challenging you is certainly a courageous way of addressing a concern. I suppose even if the negative chatter has made it through the congregation, changed behavior on the part of the woman in question may help to quiet things down.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend’s daughter has been struggling with her mental health for some time now, and it’s difficult to watch. She recently made the tough decision to withdraw from college for the semester because she was feeling overwhelmed, and now she’s unsure if she wants to go back at all. It’s heartbreaking because she’s such a bright, ambitious young woman who has always dreamed of becoming a lawyer. I know how much pressure college can put on students, especially those with big career goals like hers, and I completely understand that she needs time to take care of herself. At the same time, I worry that stepping away might make it harder for her to return, and I don’t want her to lose sight of her dreams. I want to be supportive, but I’m not sure of the correct approach. Should I encourage her to take it slow and focus on her well-being, or should I push her -- gently -- to start thinking about her next steps so she doesn’t lose momentum? How can I best support her and her mom during this challenging time without overstepping? -- How To Help

DEAR HOW TO HELP: Be an attentive listener. Remain actively involved in her life. Make regular plans to get together to talk about ideas, and encourage her to think about her future. Do not push her in any direction.

Talk to her mom, your best friend, about what the family wants for her. Do your best to support their decisions. It can get messy when others get entangled in their friends’ challenges. Take on the role of supporter, listener, confidant -- not adviser.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m thinking of moving to a new city. I’ve never done that before, but I’m in my 30s and tired of my hometown. I figure while I am still single and young and don’t have any property or small children to consider, now may be the best time for my big move. In planning a cross-country move, I’m also trying to figure out what kind of work I want to do. Outside of my corporate career, I do makeup, and I wonder if now is the time to bet on myself across the board: make a move and a career pivot. Is that too much change all at once? -- Big Move

DEAR BIG MOVE: Take some time to plan out these next few years. If you want to do makeup for a living, create a portfolio of images that show your work. Build a website to serve in that capacity. Get testimonials from clients whose makeup you have done. Think about how you want to begin a makeup business and what towns may welcome you. For example, you can look at small towns with younger populations. Proms, weddings and special events can be lucrative for makeup services. Larger cities may be more competitive, but they may also present larger markets and greater opportunities for clients.

Research places that interest you and who lives there. Also consider taking a corporate job but establishing a makeup business on the side -- one that focuses on offering services on the weekends and for special events.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My long-term partner and I have built a wonderful life together, but there’s one major issue we can’t seem to resolve, which is whether we want kids. He’s always wanted to have children, and I’ve always been sure that I don’t.

In the beginning of our relationship, this wasn’t a big topic of discussion, but now that we’re getting older, it’s becoming impossible to ignore. He’s made it clear that having a family is important to him, while I can’t imagine my life going in that direction. We love each other deeply and have a strong relationship in every other way, but I’m afraid this difference is too big to overcome. I don’t want to be the reason he gives up his dream of becoming a parent, but I also don’t want to force myself into a role I know I don’t want. Neither of us wants to break up, but I’m struggling to see how we can move forward without resentment or regret. Is there a way to find a compromise on something this big, or are we simply incompatible in the long run? -- At a Crossroads

DEAR AT A CROSSROADS: This is a tough one as it is fundamental to the creation of family. What’s most important is that you talk it out completely. Listen to each other, and see if there is a creative idea that may present a compromise. For example, can you be godparents to your friends’ or siblings’ children so that he can be as integrally involved in a child’s life as they will allow without you having to take on a responsibility that is beyond your capacity? I know people without children who have stepped into that role and experienced profound fulfillment.

If you two cannot come to a meeting of the minds, talk about parting ways. Make this decision together.

From my personal experience, I had decided that I was not going to have children, and my husband knew that. The short version of this story is that 10 years into our marriage, I got pregnant. I now have a 21-year-old daughter and could not be happier. I fully admit that I was wrong. I believe God intervened on my behalf. That said, don’t allow yourself to be forced into anything. That will not work.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been a journalist for a few years now. As you know, this line of work can be really unpredictable. About two years ago, I was laid off from my last full-time gig. Since then, I’ve been working freelance doing script writing and copywriting for three to four months at a time. I’ve also been taking brand partnerships as a social media influencer. The money is there, but it is a constant chase and hustle, and to be honest, I think I’m ready to throw in the towel. Journalism is my true love, but I’m considering going to law school and pursuing entertainment law. I’m in need of some stability, but I am 36, so I’d be a 40-year-old first-year lawyer. Should I wait out the storm or move on? -- Sad Journalist

DEAR SAD JOURNALIST: I like the idea of law school. That preparation is good for any career, including journalism, as it will make you an expert in a particular area. You don’t have to give up one to do the other.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)