Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: There is a woman in my building who is constantly acting like community watch or building security. We have a group chat, mainly for updates and maintenance announcement purposes, but she is always writing things in there and telling our building manager what to do. “There is an umbrella left in the lobby. Can we check the cameras to see whose it is?” “Did someone leave the parking garage open? It’s been a few minutes.” “Someone left their garbage on the ground next to the dumpster. Does anyone know who that was?” Even though I haven’t been the culprit, she makes me feel like a prisoner! How do I end this madness? -- Home Arrest

DEAR HOME ARREST: My guess is that this woman is retired or otherwise unemployed and has time to be attentive to the public areas of the building -- that, or she has suffered a tragedy that makes her worried. Either way, it is not your problem. Your super is responsible for reacting to any concerns that people have about your building. Do your best to ignore her. Sadly, she could turn out to be like the boy who cried wolf: If ever there is a serious issue, nobody may be listening.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A few weeks ago, I snapped and called my dad a deadbeat. I’ve never even thought of him that way before, but it came out in an argument. Our relationship has always been kind of distant. He and my mom had me when they were 18 and broke up when I was pretty young. He’s been there for me, just not emotionally. We don’t live together, so he plays more of the “provider” role.

The day of our fight, I asked him if he could drop me off somewhere and pick me up afterward because it was too far to take the train. He sounded annoyed and asked, “How much money do you need?” He acted like he didn’t hear my request at all. He was complaining about how he didn’t plan for this, and he’s busy, and now he has to reconfigure his schedule, blah blah blah -- I just lost it. I called him a deadbeat and the rest of that phone call was ugly. Is it possible for a person to be absent while also being in your life? -- Father-Daughter Relationship

DEAR FATHER-DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP: It can be difficult to be in sync, especially when you don’t live with your father. In this case, it sounds like you two didn’t communicate well, and you allowed your emotions to get the best of you. You should call and apologize to your father for the hurtful words you used, because -- as you have said -- he doesn’t sound like a deadbeat. Explain to him that you wanted his help in the moment, and because it was difficult for him to rearrange his schedule, you got frustrated.

Know, too, that just because your father wasn’t readily able to drive you back and forth to your destination doesn’t mean he’s absent or inattentive. You need to appreciate that he has a schedule and may not be able to drop it immediately when you ask. That doesn’t make him a bad person. It does mean you two need to talk and plan ahead. Get past the sting of this encounter, and do your best to talk to him more.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am struggling to help my mother, who is a hoarder. Growing up, our house was always cluttered, but it has gotten significantly worse over the years. Every room is packed with boxes, old furniture and things she refuses to throw away. It’s to the point where she can barely move around her home, and I worry about her safety. I’ve tried talking to her about cleaning, but she gets defensive and insists that everything has value or that she’ll get to it eventually. I’ve even offered to help organize things or hire a professional, but she shuts down the conversation immediately. I know hoarding is often tied to deeper emotional issues and I don’t want to make her feel attacked, but I also can’t stand by and watch her live like this. How can I support her without pushing too hard? -- Hoarder Mom

DEAR HOARDER MOM: You are right to be concerned -- people do get hurt when they live in unsafe environments. Your mother needs professional help. Will she welcome it? Probably not. Do your research and find a compassionate local counselor who specializes in hoarding disorder and work with them to stage an intervention for your mother. If there are loved ones besides you who are willing to participate, that will help. It will likely be ugly at first, but you may be able to get through to your mother and have her take some steps toward purging her environment. Stay strong. This won’t be easy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My twin sister just got engaged. She met her fiance about two years ago. He is close friends with some of our cousins who live in New Jersey. We live in Florida and have our whole lives, meaning for the entire time they were dating, they were long-distance. They’d see each other every three or four months, which isn’t often enough in my opinion. Of the two of us, people usually say I’m more reserved or more cautious, but I have valid concerns. I want to be happy for my sister, but I want her to take her time in making a decision that will impact the rest of her life. How do I share my concerns without sounding like the jealous twin who’s not ready to lose her sister? -- Concerned Twin

DEAR CONCERNED TWIN: You cannot control your sister’s behavior. What you can do is talk to her. Without showing any worry -- that may drive her away -- ask her about their plans for the future. Where does she plan to live? What do they want for their lives together? Do they plan to have children? Get her to open up about her long-term thoughts and whether she has a sense of where he stands on these topics. To the extent that you can get her to open up in a relaxed manner and share her thoughts about their future, you will be giving her the gift of letting her articulate her intentions. If something sounds off or worrisome, bring it to her attention.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve made some questionable decisions over the years that had a negative impact on my credit. Many of those mistakes were things I did when I didn’t fully understand the concept of credit and financial responsibility. Now my bad credit is haunting me. I’ve been trying to take all of the steps to diminish debt and rectify certain things, but as you probably know, building good credit just takes time. I’m in a serious relationship now, and my boyfriend really wants to buy a house together, but I’m scared to admit my credit issues. The way I see it, I can either stall him until my credit improves or come clean and likely have to wait to purchase anyway. Is stalling a bad idea? -- Bad Credit

DEAR BAD CREDIT: Yes, stalling is bad. Own up to your life. Tell him that you are working on improving your credit, but you have a way to go. Be honest about your irresponsible spending in the past, and tell him what your goals are for the future. Tell him you aren’t sure if you would be eligible to buy a house today but that you hope to be there soon. Let him know that you want to build your credit and a life with him. See how he responds.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been going out with this woman I really like for about four months now. We have a great connection, and I enjoy spending time with her. The issue is that she is moving from our hometown in the Midwest to New York City in a few months. She has been upfront about her plans from the beginning, and she recently told me that she would like to keep seeing me until she leaves this summer. My dilemma is that I want to be more intentional with who I am dating because I am at a point in my life where I want to settle down, get married and start a family.

While I really like this woman, I can’t shake the feeling that continuing to date her when she has no plans to stay might be setting myself up for heartbreak. At the same time, I don’t want to walk away from something that makes me happy just because of an uncertain future. I’m torn between enjoying the time we have left together and cutting things off now to protect myself from getting even more attached. Is it a bad idea to stay in a relationship that likely has an expiration date, or should I take things one day at a time and see where it leads? -- Moving On

DEAR MOVING ON: It is good that this person was honest with you about her plans from the start, but have you two discussed her intentions for the distant future? Is this woman leaving home for good, or is she leaving to build her resume? Do both of you want to be together? You need to figure that out. Plenty of couples have waited while one partner gets advanced education or work experience before they settle down. What do you two want? Find out if you are on the same page. If not, decide if you want to soak up the last months before she goes or cut your losses now.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)