Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am the mother of a wonderful, bright and kindhearted 10-year-old daughter who is autistic. She is creative and has a deep passion for animals and art, but she struggles with social interactions. Making friends has never been easy for her, and now that she’s in a new school, it seems even harder. She tells me often that other kids don’t understand her or that she feels left out. She wants friends but doesn’t always pick up on social cues, and I worry that she might be getting unintentionally excluded. It breaks my heart to see her come home disappointed when she tries to join in but isn’t welcomed.

I try to encourage my daughter and give her advice, but I can tell she’s starting to feel discouraged. I want to help her build friendships without making her feel like she needs to change who she is. How can I help her through these social issues? -- Need a Friend

DEAR NEED A FRIEND: Speak to your child’s teacher and guidance counselor for starters. Find out if they have any support at school for children who are not quick to make friends. Some schools offer accommodations to help students ease into life in and outside the classroom.

Don’t rely solely on school, though. Foster relationships with other people in your child’s life. If she has cousins or neighbors who enjoy spending time with her, set up playdates. If there are children in her class she likes, invite them over to play, thereby creating a more intimate setting in which to bond.

Consider working with a therapist to help your child develop a keener sense of human dynamics as she continues to grow. For more ideas on making friends, visit learnbehavioral.com/blog/five-steps-to-help-your-child-with-autism-make-friends.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friendship that feels very one-sided. I am there for him, but when I need him, he is usually unavailable. That’s so weird because right now he’s out of work. Yet, too often I find myself reaching out and waiting hours or even days before he hits me back. When I say something about it, he says that’s just how he is: He doesn’t always look at his phone or some such excuse. On the flip side, if he needs me, I always pick up the phone and do my best to respond quickly. I’m beginning to feel used. When I say something about it, he acts like I’m making a big deal out of nothing. He says I’m exaggerating. How can I get him to understand how I’m feeling and be more attentive? -- Iced Out

DEAR ICED OUT: Read the tea leaves. This person is not showing you the love and attention that you want. Stop trying to make him do more for you. Let go. Seriously! Stop responding immediately when he reaches out to you. He doesn’t deserve to have your undivided attention if he cannot offer you the same.

That being said, you should know that some people really are less engaged with their devices than others. You can't force him to look at his phone more often, but you can temper your own expectations about how quickly he'll notice a text. Pleading with him to be more present only looks like desperation, and that is a guaranteed repellent.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My youngest sister is in the process of applying and being accepted to colleges -- for the second time. She’s had some trouble in the past in terms of staying focused and prioritizing her degree and her education, and now as she’s applying to get back into college, she’s constantly consulting her friends. I won’t pass judgment on any of her friends because I don’t really know their track records all that well, but I worry that she is more concerned with going to the same school as friends than with using college as an opportunity to learn new things, meet new people and explore herself more. Having friends going through the same things as you can be great, but I don’t want her to be too dependent on others or use friends as a crutch out of fear. I don’t want to come off as controlling. I just don’t want to see her get distracted from another great opportunity. -- College Influences

DEAR COLLEGE INFLUENCES: Talk to your sister more, and offer to help her through the application process. Ask her what she wants to study and what she wants to do with her life. Encourage her to select schools that specialize in her interests as her top priority. In this way, she can prepare herself for her future.

Without being too judgy, point out that if it works for her to attend college with her friends, that’s fine, but it should not be her priority. Each person has a destiny, and now is the time to start determining what hers is. Remind her that being attached to her current friends is not necessarily part of it. You can tell her that many people who grow up together remain close even if they go to different schools, live in other cities and follow different paths. She doesn’t have to worry that she will lose her friends as she makes smart choices for her life.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Your response to “Sad Journalist,” the reader who was contemplating switching careers and going to law school, was good, but it didn't address the writer's concern about being a "40-year-old first-year lawyer." Take it from a (now retired) 42-year-old first-year accountant: Second careers can be highly successful and very fulfilling. Don't let the fact that all the other first-year lawyers are nearly 20 years younger concern you. In fact, you may find other first-year professionals starting their second -- or even third -- careers. -- Been There, Done That and So Happy I Did

DEAR BEEN THERE, DONE THAT AND SO HAPPY I DID: Thank you for sharing your experience. You are absolutely right. I meet so many people who are transitioning from one profession into another. It used to be that people had a job or career, it lasted for 40 years and they got a gold watch. Not so anymore. It is relatively common for people to pivot at different points in their lives. There’s no shame in that! Plus, the experience that you have gained along the way in other areas will support you in your new role.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: There is a woman in my building who is constantly acting like community watch or building security. We have a group chat, mainly for updates and maintenance announcement purposes, but she is always writing things in there and telling our building manager what to do. “There is an umbrella left in the lobby. Can we check the cameras to see whose it is?” “Did someone leave the parking garage open? It’s been a few minutes.” “Someone left their garbage on the ground next to the dumpster. Does anyone know who that was?” Even though I haven’t been the culprit, she makes me feel like a prisoner! How do I end this madness? -- Home Arrest

DEAR HOME ARREST: My guess is that this woman is retired or otherwise unemployed and has time to be attentive to the public areas of the building -- that, or she has suffered a tragedy that makes her worried. Either way, it is not your problem. Your super is responsible for reacting to any concerns that people have about your building. Do your best to ignore her. Sadly, she could turn out to be like the boy who cried wolf: If ever there is a serious issue, nobody may be listening.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A few weeks ago, I snapped and called my dad a deadbeat. I’ve never even thought of him that way before, but it came out in an argument. Our relationship has always been kind of distant. He and my mom had me when they were 18 and broke up when I was pretty young. He’s been there for me, just not emotionally. We don’t live together, so he plays more of the “provider” role.

The day of our fight, I asked him if he could drop me off somewhere and pick me up afterward because it was too far to take the train. He sounded annoyed and asked, “How much money do you need?” He acted like he didn’t hear my request at all. He was complaining about how he didn’t plan for this, and he’s busy, and now he has to reconfigure his schedule, blah blah blah -- I just lost it. I called him a deadbeat and the rest of that phone call was ugly. Is it possible for a person to be absent while also being in your life? -- Father-Daughter Relationship

DEAR FATHER-DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP: It can be difficult to be in sync, especially when you don’t live with your father. In this case, it sounds like you two didn’t communicate well, and you allowed your emotions to get the best of you. You should call and apologize to your father for the hurtful words you used, because -- as you have said -- he doesn’t sound like a deadbeat. Explain to him that you wanted his help in the moment, and because it was difficult for him to rearrange his schedule, you got frustrated.

Know, too, that just because your father wasn’t readily able to drive you back and forth to your destination doesn’t mean he’s absent or inattentive. You need to appreciate that he has a schedule and may not be able to drop it immediately when you ask. That doesn’t make him a bad person. It does mean you two need to talk and plan ahead. Get past the sting of this encounter, and do your best to talk to him more.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)