Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have been blessed with five children. When we got married, we didn’t plan for this many. We’ve decided that we are happy with our family size as is and do not want to have any more children. We both had the bright idea that the other person should undergo the necessary procedure to make that happen. Since we couldn’t agree, I suggested that we both go through with it. If he expects me to get my tubes tied, I think a vasectomy makes sense on his end. He refuses. I don’t know how to feel about him wanting to make changes to my body without making the same sacrifice to his own. -- No More Babies

DEAR NO MORE BABIES: Your husband is being unfair. One way to get him to pay attention to your request is to draw a line in the sand: No more sex until you both have undergone the procedures. This will get him to take you seriously. It is not fair for you to bear the burden on your own.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Why won’t my parents treat me like an adult? I am 18 now, and I’m the oldest of my siblings. I have my own car and a job and lots of responsibilities, but my parents still try to be in control. They don’t approve of my job and think I only wanted to get a job so that they can’t tell me what to do. They constantly remind me that as my parents, their job is to tell me what to do. If I do everything I can to prove I’m responsible, when will my parents trust me? How can I get them to understand how I feel? -- Young Adult

DEAR YOUNG ADULT: Congratulations on taking on so much responsibility in your family. As the oldest child, you certainly have done a lot already to be independent and strong. You are also very young. From your parents’ perspectives, they are probably concerned that you are becoming independent too fast. Parents want to protect their children and guide their steps. Their rules seem controlling to you now -- and they very well may be -- but their intentions are likely to protect you. What you can do is ask them to give you some space and observe what you are doing. Ask them to support you as you build your independence. Be open to suggestions from them; they have lots of life experience, after all.

As you are maturing, your relationship with your parents is naturally changing. Give it time to evolve into something more comfortable. Continue to be respectful to them. Listen to their wisdom. Consider what they are saying. While you live with them, know that you should be following their directions. As you become more independent, maintain respect even as you start making your own decisions over time. Believe it or not, they know a lot about life. While it is excellent that you are taking steps to be able to care for yourself, you are fortunate to have them to help guide you along the path. Remember that, especially when they say things that annoy you. Take a deep breath and listen.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am going through a tough time emotionally. My mom is in hospice care, which means she is nearing the end of her life. We are very close. It is obvious that she has a limited time to live, but it’s still hard to witness.

When I talk to friends about it, I realize that most people don’t listen. I have called my closest friends just to be able to share with them, and inevitably they will jump in with advice or a story of their own -- without taking the time to hear what I am saying. I know that people do this, and usually I just go along and let them interrupt me, sometimes getting back to whatever I was saying and sometimes not, but I am not inclined to allow this butting in right now. I have pushed back a bit, asking them to let me finish my point before they jump in. A couple of friends have been taken aback because I don’t normally do that. Am I wrong to stand up for myself and ask my friends to listen for a change? -- Shut Up and Listen

DEAR SHUT UP AND LISTEN: Many people are bad listeners. Plus, out of love for you and discomfort about the situation, some automatically try to figure out solutions to whatever problems they are hearing and rush to offer support. In reality, the support you need is a compassionate listening ear, not words -- at least not immediately.

It is perfectly OK for you to speak up and say what you need. When they jump in to offer advice before you have completed a sentence, stop them and say, “Wait a minute. Let me finish my thought, please.” If they jump in with advice on how to handle a situation and that’s not what you need, tell them what you need most is for them to listen. You don’t have the capacity to hear their advice right now.

You will also likely find that some friends are not the best people to contact right now. Those who cannot or will not be willing to just be present for you are not the ones to engage at this tender moment.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I owe a friend a sizable amount of money, and it is time to pay -- but I don’t have it. It’s not because I am being negligent. I have been out of work for an extended period of time. The bills have been piling up, and I don’t have any money. That doesn’t change the fact that I owe this friend money. I have been dodging him for weeks now, but that’s not like me. I don’t want to be the kind of person who doesn’t face their responsibilities. What do I say to my friend when I can’t cough up a check? -- In Debt

DEAR IN DEBT: Tell your friend the truth. Apologize for not being able to honor your commitment to pay them back at this time. Make it clear that it is not your intention to miss the deadline to pay them back. Explain your circumstances -- namely, that you are still out of work without any means of earning money at this time. Promise to begin paying them back the moment you start earning money again.

Look for different sources of income, too. Check to see if there is any government assistance that can help you in the short term. Look for jobs outside your area of expertise. Don’t give up.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I threw my 2-year-old daughter a birthday party last week and invited my husband’s family and my family. I was so excited to have everyone together to celebrate, but the day quickly turned stressful when our mothers got into a heated argument. It started as a few passive-aggressive comments, but it escalated when my mother-in-law made a remark about how she spends more time with my daughter and knows her routine better. My mom fired back, saying she’s just as much of a grandmother and doesn’t need to compete for affection. Before I knew it, they were going back and forth, bringing up old grievances and accusing each other of being the “worse” grandmother. They completely lost sight of the fact that this was supposed to be a joyful day for our little girl.

The tension became so unbearable that some guests left early. Now both of them are acting like they were the victim, expecting my husband and me to take their side. How can I set boundaries with our mothers and ensure my daughter’s special moments aren’t overshadowed by their issues? -- Too Much Bickering

DEAR TOO MUCH BICKERING: Together, you and your husband should reach out to each of your mothers and express your profound disappointment in their behavior at your daughter’s party. Remind them that the party was for her, and their focus should have been on her happiness. Instead, you watched them derail the party with their petty competition. Tell them that if they expect to spend time with their granddaughter in the future, they have to stop, figure out a way to make up with each other and behave civilly moving forward.

When they try to deflect and blame the other grandmother for the incident, stand firmly and say that you saw it all and know it was both of them. They must stop now.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A few months ago, I was dating a guy I really liked. We got along well; we had great conversation and similar values, and I genuinely saw potential for something serious. Then, out of nowhere, he completely ghosted me. No explanation, no closure -- he just stopped calling and texting. I was hurt and confused, especially since things had been going so well. Now, out of the blue again, he’s reached out, acting like nothing happened. He says he’s been busy and that he regrets how things ended. From what I can tell, he’s doing really well career-wise, and part of me wonders if he’s in a better place to be in a relationship now.

I still have feelings for this man, but I can’t ignore how disrespectful it was for him to disappear like that. Should I hear him out and see if things could be different this time, or is it a mistake to let someone back into my life who treated me that way? -- Can I Trust Him?

DEAR CAN I TRUST HIM?: Before resuming a relationship with this guy, find out what happened. Don’t let him off the hook. Why did he disappear? Did he have another girlfriend? What obligations took him away? Why did he think it was acceptable to ghost you without a word of explanation? You deserve to know what happened. Otherwise, you will be showing him that even when he treats you wrong, you will still take him back.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)