Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: Last month, I received some concerning news about my health, and it made me realize that I need to take better care of myself. I want to start working out, meditating and eating healthier, but honestly, I don’t know where to begin. The idea of completely changing my lifestyle feels overwhelming, and I’ve never been great at sticking to a routine when it comes to fitness or healthy eating. I worry that I’ll start strong but lose motivation quickly, especially when life gets busy or when I don’t see immediate results. I also don’t want to fall into an all-or-nothing mindset where I feel guilty if I slip up. How can I create a realistic, sustainable wellness journey that allows me to build better habits without feeling like I have to be perfect? Where should I start so that this process feels manageable rather than intimidating? -- Choosing Fitness

DEAR CHOOSING FITNESS: Find out if your insurance will give you support through a dietician. Having professional guidance when designing an eating plan could be a helpful first step in creating a workable strategy to meet your goals. Either way, map out what you will eat and plan your meals weekly. This will help to establish discipline around what you ingest.

Similarly, schedule a weekly fitness routine. What are you willing to do each day for your health? Can you walk for 20 minutes? Go to the gym three times a week? Turn on music and dance on a daily basis? Get an accountability partner who will help you stay true to your fitness goals? Figure out something that you can and will do to establish a fitness routine, and stay on track.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m writing this in response to “No Hope,” the person dating a guy with no money who was less than forthcoming to her about his circumstances. You suggested that the guy is in some sort of crisis mode, and that No Hope should be nice and remain friends with him to help him through this unfortunate rough patch. She is not a social worker nor a therapist, and she should not be a bottomless well of understanding and compassion.

Even if No Hope has deep pockets and doesn't mind paying for every single little thing this guy needs or wants, eventually the guy will suck every single ounce of kindness and patience right out of her soul.

I think that No Hope is getting played, plain and simple. I would suggest an end to the relationship. It's just a few months in, and No Hope is already confused and not thinking with a clear head. Some hard truths, kindly delivered, will help No Hope decide whether the situation is worth one more second.

For what it's worth, I think that you usually respond to the people who write to you with reason and wisdom. This time, not so much. -- Think Again

DEAR THINK AGAIN: I have to admit that you are making good points here. I was thinking about all the people these days who have lost their jobs and are struggling, and I wanted to have compassion for them. That doesn’t give them a pass to put one over on others. Thanks for the reality check!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have been blessed with five children. When we got married, we didn’t plan for this many. We’ve decided that we are happy with our family size as is and do not want to have any more children. We both had the bright idea that the other person should undergo the necessary procedure to make that happen. Since we couldn’t agree, I suggested that we both go through with it. If he expects me to get my tubes tied, I think a vasectomy makes sense on his end. He refuses. I don’t know how to feel about him wanting to make changes to my body without making the same sacrifice to his own. -- No More Babies

DEAR NO MORE BABIES: Your husband is being unfair. One way to get him to pay attention to your request is to draw a line in the sand: No more sex until you both have undergone the procedures. This will get him to take you seriously. It is not fair for you to bear the burden on your own.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Why won’t my parents treat me like an adult? I am 18 now, and I’m the oldest of my siblings. I have my own car and a job and lots of responsibilities, but my parents still try to be in control. They don’t approve of my job and think I only wanted to get a job so that they can’t tell me what to do. They constantly remind me that as my parents, their job is to tell me what to do. If I do everything I can to prove I’m responsible, when will my parents trust me? How can I get them to understand how I feel? -- Young Adult

DEAR YOUNG ADULT: Congratulations on taking on so much responsibility in your family. As the oldest child, you certainly have done a lot already to be independent and strong. You are also very young. From your parents’ perspectives, they are probably concerned that you are becoming independent too fast. Parents want to protect their children and guide their steps. Their rules seem controlling to you now -- and they very well may be -- but their intentions are likely to protect you. What you can do is ask them to give you some space and observe what you are doing. Ask them to support you as you build your independence. Be open to suggestions from them; they have lots of life experience, after all.

As you are maturing, your relationship with your parents is naturally changing. Give it time to evolve into something more comfortable. Continue to be respectful to them. Listen to their wisdom. Consider what they are saying. While you live with them, know that you should be following their directions. As you become more independent, maintain respect even as you start making your own decisions over time. Believe it or not, they know a lot about life. While it is excellent that you are taking steps to be able to care for yourself, you are fortunate to have them to help guide you along the path. Remember that, especially when they say things that annoy you. Take a deep breath and listen.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am going through a tough time emotionally. My mom is in hospice care, which means she is nearing the end of her life. We are very close. It is obvious that she has a limited time to live, but it’s still hard to witness.

When I talk to friends about it, I realize that most people don’t listen. I have called my closest friends just to be able to share with them, and inevitably they will jump in with advice or a story of their own -- without taking the time to hear what I am saying. I know that people do this, and usually I just go along and let them interrupt me, sometimes getting back to whatever I was saying and sometimes not, but I am not inclined to allow this butting in right now. I have pushed back a bit, asking them to let me finish my point before they jump in. A couple of friends have been taken aback because I don’t normally do that. Am I wrong to stand up for myself and ask my friends to listen for a change? -- Shut Up and Listen

DEAR SHUT UP AND LISTEN: Many people are bad listeners. Plus, out of love for you and discomfort about the situation, some automatically try to figure out solutions to whatever problems they are hearing and rush to offer support. In reality, the support you need is a compassionate listening ear, not words -- at least not immediately.

It is perfectly OK for you to speak up and say what you need. When they jump in to offer advice before you have completed a sentence, stop them and say, “Wait a minute. Let me finish my thought, please.” If they jump in with advice on how to handle a situation and that’s not what you need, tell them what you need most is for them to listen. You don’t have the capacity to hear their advice right now.

You will also likely find that some friends are not the best people to contact right now. Those who cannot or will not be willing to just be present for you are not the ones to engage at this tender moment.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I owe a friend a sizable amount of money, and it is time to pay -- but I don’t have it. It’s not because I am being negligent. I have been out of work for an extended period of time. The bills have been piling up, and I don’t have any money. That doesn’t change the fact that I owe this friend money. I have been dodging him for weeks now, but that’s not like me. I don’t want to be the kind of person who doesn’t face their responsibilities. What do I say to my friend when I can’t cough up a check? -- In Debt

DEAR IN DEBT: Tell your friend the truth. Apologize for not being able to honor your commitment to pay them back at this time. Make it clear that it is not your intention to miss the deadline to pay them back. Explain your circumstances -- namely, that you are still out of work without any means of earning money at this time. Promise to begin paying them back the moment you start earning money again.

Look for different sources of income, too. Check to see if there is any government assistance that can help you in the short term. Look for jobs outside your area of expertise. Don’t give up.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)