Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: There is someone in my life I care about deeply. She is kind to me and encourages me to pursue my dreams, travel more, explore new hobbies and a whole lot more. I show up for her, too, and do my best to be supportive, but I struggle with romance and affection. I’ve never been good at those things, and it never felt like a priority to change that. But I think it’s taking a toll on her. I want her to know that I love her, but I really don’t know how to express myself. -- No Romance

DEAR NO ROMANCE: Your letter is somewhat vague. Are you dating this woman? Is this supposed to be a romantic relationship, but it is not because you haven’t taken a romantic step with her? It sounds like you need to decide what you want this relationship to be and talk to her about your intentions.

You say that you have never been good at romance or affection. Why? Did something happen in your life that shut down that part of you? Do you want to be close to this woman? Is she expecting a romantic overture? Is the type of relationship you want strictly platonic? Whatever your intentions are, you need to make it clear to her so that she’s not waiting and wondering. If you need help sorting it out, engage a therapist who can assist you in unpacking whatever is going on in your inner world.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father and I are estranged and have been my entire life. He and my mom had me when they were young -- 19 or 20, I believe. My mom loved me and did the best she could with me, and her mother helped do the job as well. Eventually I realized who my father was and that a lot of people in my town knew him and his new family. He is married and has a few other children, apparently. Recently, he reached out and sent me a letter that basically explained all the reasons he never showed up for me, none of which seemed valid to me -- he was too young, his mom didn’t approve, he didn’t know how to be a dad, etc. For some reason, though, my mom really wants me to give him a chance. Why is that? -- Absent Dad

DEAR ABSENT DAD: The fact that you have a dad who is now reaching out means something, even though you don’t know him. It doesn’t require you to do anything, but aren’t you curious? Who is this man? As an adult who has made many different choices since he and your mother created you as teenagers, he has built a life. What can you learn from him? It could be beneficial to you simply to meet him and learn a bit about him. You can do that without expectations. You have a complete life without him, so you don’t need to go into the meeting hoping for anything. Go and listen to what he has to say. Learn who he is. Just be present. After you meet him, if you decide you want to get to know him, great. If not, you don’t have an obligation to do anything more.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Last month, I received some concerning news about my health, and it made me realize that I need to take better care of myself. I want to start working out, meditating and eating healthier, but honestly, I don’t know where to begin. The idea of completely changing my lifestyle feels overwhelming, and I’ve never been great at sticking to a routine when it comes to fitness or healthy eating. I worry that I’ll start strong but lose motivation quickly, especially when life gets busy or when I don’t see immediate results. I also don’t want to fall into an all-or-nothing mindset where I feel guilty if I slip up. How can I create a realistic, sustainable wellness journey that allows me to build better habits without feeling like I have to be perfect? Where should I start so that this process feels manageable rather than intimidating? -- Choosing Fitness

DEAR CHOOSING FITNESS: Find out if your insurance will give you support through a dietician. Having professional guidance when designing an eating plan could be a helpful first step in creating a workable strategy to meet your goals. Either way, map out what you will eat and plan your meals weekly. This will help to establish discipline around what you ingest.

Similarly, schedule a weekly fitness routine. What are you willing to do each day for your health? Can you walk for 20 minutes? Go to the gym three times a week? Turn on music and dance on a daily basis? Get an accountability partner who will help you stay true to your fitness goals? Figure out something that you can and will do to establish a fitness routine, and stay on track.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m writing this in response to “No Hope,” the person dating a guy with no money who was less than forthcoming to her about his circumstances. You suggested that the guy is in some sort of crisis mode, and that No Hope should be nice and remain friends with him to help him through this unfortunate rough patch. She is not a social worker nor a therapist, and she should not be a bottomless well of understanding and compassion.

Even if No Hope has deep pockets and doesn't mind paying for every single little thing this guy needs or wants, eventually the guy will suck every single ounce of kindness and patience right out of her soul.

I think that No Hope is getting played, plain and simple. I would suggest an end to the relationship. It's just a few months in, and No Hope is already confused and not thinking with a clear head. Some hard truths, kindly delivered, will help No Hope decide whether the situation is worth one more second.

For what it's worth, I think that you usually respond to the people who write to you with reason and wisdom. This time, not so much. -- Think Again

DEAR THINK AGAIN: I have to admit that you are making good points here. I was thinking about all the people these days who have lost their jobs and are struggling, and I wanted to have compassion for them. That doesn’t give them a pass to put one over on others. Thanks for the reality check!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have been blessed with five children. When we got married, we didn’t plan for this many. We’ve decided that we are happy with our family size as is and do not want to have any more children. We both had the bright idea that the other person should undergo the necessary procedure to make that happen. Since we couldn’t agree, I suggested that we both go through with it. If he expects me to get my tubes tied, I think a vasectomy makes sense on his end. He refuses. I don’t know how to feel about him wanting to make changes to my body without making the same sacrifice to his own. -- No More Babies

DEAR NO MORE BABIES: Your husband is being unfair. One way to get him to pay attention to your request is to draw a line in the sand: No more sex until you both have undergone the procedures. This will get him to take you seriously. It is not fair for you to bear the burden on your own.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Why won’t my parents treat me like an adult? I am 18 now, and I’m the oldest of my siblings. I have my own car and a job and lots of responsibilities, but my parents still try to be in control. They don’t approve of my job and think I only wanted to get a job so that they can’t tell me what to do. They constantly remind me that as my parents, their job is to tell me what to do. If I do everything I can to prove I’m responsible, when will my parents trust me? How can I get them to understand how I feel? -- Young Adult

DEAR YOUNG ADULT: Congratulations on taking on so much responsibility in your family. As the oldest child, you certainly have done a lot already to be independent and strong. You are also very young. From your parents’ perspectives, they are probably concerned that you are becoming independent too fast. Parents want to protect their children and guide their steps. Their rules seem controlling to you now -- and they very well may be -- but their intentions are likely to protect you. What you can do is ask them to give you some space and observe what you are doing. Ask them to support you as you build your independence. Be open to suggestions from them; they have lots of life experience, after all.

As you are maturing, your relationship with your parents is naturally changing. Give it time to evolve into something more comfortable. Continue to be respectful to them. Listen to their wisdom. Consider what they are saying. While you live with them, know that you should be following their directions. As you become more independent, maintain respect even as you start making your own decisions over time. Believe it or not, they know a lot about life. While it is excellent that you are taking steps to be able to care for yourself, you are fortunate to have them to help guide you along the path. Remember that, especially when they say things that annoy you. Take a deep breath and listen.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)