Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I currently live with my boyfriend -- in part because I have nowhere else to go. When we were first dating, I was living alone, but about two years into our relationship I lost my job, and my boyfriend graciously invited me to move in with him. At the time, it felt OK. I didn’t like being in a position of need, but that aside, things were going really well between us, so I felt OK with the change.

Now we’ve been living together for a little over a year. I still haven’t gotten a career job again, but things are starting to feel toxic. I have been working part-time jobs recently because I feel so overwhelmed, but I’m still not financially comfortable enough to move out. What can I do to get out of this situation? -- Toxic Roomie

DEAR TOXIC ROOMIE: Is there anywhere else you can live right now? With your parents? A sibling? Another friend? If you have any alternative, explore that right away so that you can create a situation where you don’t feel trapped or compromised. Explain to anyone you may be able to move in with exactly what your situation is and what you can currently contribute to the household.

Also, talk to your boyfriend. What exactly is toxic about your relationship now? Is it truly about him and his behavior, or could it be due to your personal stress, or a combination of both? Is this something you can talk through, or do you actually need to move? Now may be a time of reckoning for you to deal with reality out in the open. You will need to be vulnerable with him and yourself, which may be perfect. Even if you both agree that it is time for you to move, you can agree on a timeline. Bottom line: communicate.

Above all, if you feel you are in real danger, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Last year, I started partnering with a local business to put on events that allowed for people to get acquainted with new neighbors without all the awkwardness. I struggled piecing this together on my own, but I made it happen! A close friend of mine continued to show a major lack of support (not showing up when she said she would, showing up and being sour, being hyper judgmental about event turnouts, etc.). She told me my events weren’t really "her scene." The past year we’ve been more distant compared to years past.

A few days ago, she invited me to an event she will be hosting at a local business with an emphasis on icebreaking and meeting new people. I know this sounds childish, but I can’t help but feel offended. She was so judgmental toward me and my efforts, and now she is doing the same kind of work. How can I address this without sounding totally immature? -- Unsupported Friend

DEAR UNSUPPORTED FRIEND: Do some sleuthing first. Go to your friend’s event and see what she does. Hopefully she hasn’t stolen any of your ideas. After the event, schedule a time to talk to her. Tell her exactly how you feel -- unsupported during the entire time that you were building your business and duped after she chose to do something similar. Tell her that you do not feel like she has treated you like a friend.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I bought property a few years ago. I’m not happy about how my Realtor operated during that initial transaction, but I kept working with her. She has now asked me to share her details on my personal social pages to help her get more business. Honestly, I wouldn’t recommend her if someone asked me privately, so I don’t care to promote her publicly.

She has made efforts to forge a more personal relationship with me as of late since we have a few mutual friends. So, I don’t want to be blunt or hurtful, but I definitely do not want to promote her. I admit that it's possible she has changed or grown as a Realtor over the years. What should I do? -- Unhappy Client

DEAR UNHAPPY CLIENT: You owe it to yourself and her to tell her the truth about your experience working with her. She is a professional, and clearly she did some things that you did not feel were professionally handled. Tell her. Invite her to meet up with you so that you can talk face to face.

Point out that she has asked you to endorse her on social media, and this got you thinking. While you should have addressed your concerns long ago, you feel you must tell her now that you have apprehensions about her as a Realtor for some specific reasons. Be prepared to list each of your grievances clearly and succinctly so that she can fully understand what you are saying. Acknowledge that you should have told her before, but it felt awkward, so you left it alone. Now you realize it’s important for her to have some honest feedback.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Diabetes seems to be prevalent in my family. At least three people, young and old, in my lifetime alone have been affected. Most recently, one of my uncles had a heart attack that took his life. Ever since then, I’ve been trying to help my family recognize the importance of their health, but no one seems to take it seriously. They indulge in all kinds of bad habits, from fatty foods to unnecessary drinking, and even smoking for some. I am worried about what will happen to us if we continue down this road. How do I get them to prioritize their health? -- Health-Conscious

DEAR HEALTH-CONSCIOUS: You are right to want to sound an alarm for your family. I hope you also know that it takes effort on each person’s part to make a difference for that person’s life. Type 2 diabetes is quite common in this country. Being overweight and sedentary are key contributors to this condition. So, yes, there are things you and your family members can do to improve your overall health and potentially to avoid getting diabetes.

Sadly, our society’s overuse of screens -- computers, video games, television -- is only making us less active, which in turn may be leading more and more Americans into the potential for developing the health problems that love to afflict sedentary bodies. Tell your family. Encourage everyone to get up and move. Start a family walking group or regular exercise regimen. Create a social media group or text chain where you cheer each other on for making the effort to be healthy. Be an example yourself of good health practices.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: About a month ago, I accidentally got my friend sick. I had a bad cold and didn’t realize how contagious I was until she caught it from me. Unfortunately, her symptoms were even worse than mine. She had a high fever and was completely out of commission for days. The worst part is that she was supposed to go on a vacation she had been looking forward to for years. She had saved up for this trip for a long time, carefully planning every detail, but because of how sick she got, she was forced to cancel. Due to her packed schedule, she couldn’t reschedule, meaning all the money she had spent on flights, hotels and activities was lost.

I feel absolutely terrible about the situation. I never meant to ruin her plans, and I’ve tried reaching out multiple times to apologize and check on her, but she won’t respond. She hasn’t spoken to me at all since this happened, and I’m starting to think she’s cutting me out of her life. I don’t blame her for being upset, but I miss her and don’t want to lose our friendship over this. How do I make things right? -- Guilty

DEAR GUILTY: You cannot make your friend respond to you. What you can do is give her time. If you have the means, you could also offer to defray some of the cost of her dream trip. What you learned, unfortunately, is that illness is real. When people are sick, they should stay home and rest. Even if you don’t have COVID-19, what you have might be contagious and harmful to others. Don’t forget the lesson moving forward.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband recently got a well-deserved raise at work, and I am so proud of him. He has worked hard for this, putting in long hours and taking on extra responsibilities. When he told me the news, I was thrilled and suggested we do something special to celebrate together -- maybe go out for a nice dinner, take a weekend trip or even just have a fun night at home to acknowledge his accomplishment. To my surprise, he shut me down immediately. He seemed completely uninterested in celebrating with me and instead said he’d rather go out with his friends.

I understand that he wants to enjoy his success with them, but the way he dismissed my excitement hurt my feelings. It felt like I wasn’t even a part of his big moment, even though I’ve been supporting him through all the stress and late nights. I don’t want to seem needy or make a big deal out of this, but I can’t shake the feeling that he doesn’t prioritize me over others in his life. Am I overreacting? Should I talk to him about how I feel or just let it go? -- Snubbed

DEAR SNUBBED: You should definitely say something to your husband. Acknowledge that it is great for him to party with his friends, but let him know that you also want to do something special with him. Tell him that it hurt your feelings that he seemed uninterested. You can point out that you have been at his side throughout this process, and you want to celebrate with him. Ask him why he doesn’t want to do that.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)