Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over a year now, and we get along great in most areas. However, I’ve noticed that we have different approaches to money. I’m focused on saving, investing and planning for the future, while he prefers to live in the moment and spend freely. He likes to buy random infomercial items off of the internet or spontaneously buy new items like expensive appliances.

I told him that these aren’t smart financial decisions, and he told me to not worry. I worry that our financial differences could lead to conflict down the road, especially when it comes to major life decisions like buying a home, traveling or retirement planning. I love my boyfriend, but I don’t want money to become a constant source of stress. How do I determine if this is something we can work through? -- Conflicting Values

DEAR CONFLICTING VALUES: Talk about your views on money in the context of your desires for the future. Ask your boyfriend how he sees his life in five to 10 years. Does he want to buy a home? What type of work will he do? Does he want to travel? Whatever you care about, ask him his views on it. Then describe to him your dreams and interests and your thoughts on how to manifest them.

Bring up your ideas on saving and investing in the future. Ask him if he is willing to work with you to make a plan that includes putting money away rather than spending it. Perhaps you can agree to create a joint account for savings or investing, to which you each deposit a fixed monthly amount. This can allow him to continue to have some money to spend as he pleases while also contributing to the plans for the future.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I love my friends, but I can’t help feeling like the least impressive one in the group. They’re all beautiful, stylish and successful. They have great jobs and exciting social lives and always seem so confident. When we go out together, I feel like I fade into the background. Guys approach them first. People compliment them more, and I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t measure up. It’s not that I’m unhappy with myself, but being around them sometimes makes me question my own worth. I start picking apart my looks, my career progress and even my personality.

I know they don’t intentionally make me feel this way. They’re supportive and kind, but I still find myself struggling with insecurity whenever we’re together. I hate feeling like I’m in constant comparison mode, and I don’t want my self-doubt to ruin these friendships. How do I stop feeling like the least impressive friend? How can I build my confidence without distancing myself from the people I love? -- Less Than

DEAR LESS THAN: Take a step back and assess your attributes. What is special about you? Be honest. Then look in the mirror and remind yourself of those qualities. You have to love yourself first.

Consider expanding your friend group. You don’t have to dump your current group of friends, but open your eyes and notice other people with similar interests who aren’t part of that clique. See if you can be comfortable around other people without too much self-judgment. If so, continue to spend time with them.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I think one of my friends might be working for a pyramid scheme. I can’t be sure, but he basically plays the role of a financial adviser and “helps” people invest their money. When they turn a profit, he gets a percentage. The more they invest, the more he gets paid. He offered me his services recently -- encouraging me, really pushing me, to take the leap and invest. I felt uneasy about it, so I did some research, and the company has a horrible reputation according to reviews on Google and the Better Business Bureau. I’m upset because it feels like he was hoping to profit off of my ignorance, but he doesn’t seem to get it. How can I explain to him that his company is taking advantage of vulnerable people? -- Dodging Scams

DEAR DODGING SCAMS: Talk to your friend and keep it personal. Tell him that you wanted to be able to support him in his new business, but something felt off about it to you, so you did some research. Show him what you found. Pull up the Better Business Bureau and Google records. Don’t just tell him your concerns. Let him see for himself what the reviews have been. Express your genuine concern that he is trying to get innocent people, friends even -- just like you -- to invest in something that does not seem safe. Tell him you are uninterested, and further, that you feel it is unethical for him to do this considering what you have learned about the company.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am coming up on the one-year anniversary of losing my mom. I’ve never lost someone so close to me before, and I’m really not all that close with the rest of my family. Part of me wants to do something in her honor. The year went by so fast, perhaps because I’m still grieving. I just don’t know what to do, though. She was cremated, so there’s no burial site to visit, and a party seems weird, but I don’t just want to sit at home alone on the day in question. Have you ever put together any anniversary memorials? What can I do that’s small and intimate, celebratory but still respectful? -- Grieving Son

DEAR GRIEVING SON: Do you have friends or other loved ones who knew your mother? Perhaps you can create a small gathering with people who know you well and would appreciate honoring your mother. Host a small dinner where you serve her favorite foods and have a toast in her honor.

What you do doesn’t have to be fancy. It truly is the thought that counts. You may also want to extend the invitation to family members. You may be surprised that some may want to attend. Your mother’s passing could turn into a renewal of closeness in your family. Who knows?

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently went to see a musical that I had been looking forward to for months. The theater was packed, and the performance was absolutely amazing. About halfway through the show, though, I realized I needed to use the restroom. I tried to hold it until intermission, but eventually I just couldn’t wait any longer. Since the theater was dark, I carefully made my way out of my row, trying not to disturb anyone, but as I was walking down the aisle, I didn’t see a small step in the dim lighting. Before I knew it, I lost my balance, stumbled forward and fell hard.

The pain was immediate, and as I tried to stand back up, I realized something was seriously wrong with my ankle. An usher came to help me, and I was eventually taken to the lobby, where staff gave me ice and advised me to seek medical attention. It turns out I sprained my ankle pretty badly. Not only did I miss the rest of the show, but I also had to hobble around in pain for days afterward. The theater didn’t do anything else for me at all, and I can’t help but wonder if legally or morally they should have done more. Am I just being entitled? -- Slip-Up

DEAR SLIP-UP: The theater actually did do something for you: You said they helped you immediately and gave you guidance. It is understandable that you are frustrated, but don’t take your feelings out on them. Unfortunately, you chose to get up and walk around in the dark. What happened is your responsibility, not theirs.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Lately, I’ve noticed that I don’t enjoy going out with my friends as much as I used to. A year ago, I would have jumped at the chance to grab drinks, go to parties or stay out late just to have fun and socialize. Now, however, when they invite me out, I often find myself making excuses or feeling relieved when plans fall through. It’s not that I don’t like my friends -- I still care about them, but I just don’t feel the same excitement about going out anymore.

At first, I thought maybe I was just tired or going through a phase, but this feeling has been consistent for a while now. I don’t necessarily think this change is a bad thing, but at the same time, I realize that I’ve eliminated something from my life that used to be a fun outlet for me. Going out gave me a break from stress, let me unwind and helped me feel connected to people. Now that I don’t do it as much, I worry that I’m isolating myself or that I might eventually lose touch with my friends altogether. How do I adjust to this change without feeling like I’m missing out or distancing myself from the people I care about? -- Isolated

DEAR ISOLATED: Invite your friends to do other things with you. Host a cocktail party at your home. Call on friends individually to check in. It’s OK to evolve. If you want to keep all or just some of your friends, figure out new ways to stay in touch.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)