DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom has always been emotionally distant, and now that I’m an adult, I’m realizing just how much that’s shaped our relationship. Growing up, she wasn’t unkind. She made sure we were fed, clothed and cared for, but she rarely showed affection or talked about feelings. If I ever brought up something emotional or difficult, she would shut down or change the subject. I learned quickly that vulnerability made her uncomfortable, so I stopped trying. Now, as an adult, I want a deeper relationship with her. I try to ask her about her life, her past and her emotions, but she either laughs it off or deflects my questions. It feels like there's a wall between us that I can’t climb over, and I’m left feeling rejected. My sisters and I have talked about this, and they feel it, too, but we don’t know how to approach her without pushing her away even more. How can I have a relationship with someone who avoids closeness? -- Close the Divide

DEAR CLOSE THE DIVIDE: You may have to accept the relationship that you do have with your mother. If she has always been guarded, you are not likely to be able to do anything to get her to change. You can ask her, of course, and tell her how much you long for emotional intimacy with her. Don’t count on getting it. Instead, build close relationships with your siblings and your friends.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My parents have long been divorced, but over time they became friends. All of their children are adults, which made it easier for them to get along -- they have less to bicker about now. My dad asked my mom for a favor a few months ago when he fell on hard times. He asked if he could stay with her until he found a more affordable housing option for himself. She didn’t like being his first option, so she asked if he’d be able to offer a small fee for the time he’d be with her. He wasn’t in a position to offer a fixed amount, but he agreed to contribute to a bill, groceries and housekeeping whenever he could.

Two months went by, and he didn’t do any of those things. Then he heard my mom needed to repaint her living room and kitchen, and he offered to do it for her. My mom agreed, thinking he was finally making good on his offer to contribute. Once he began painting, he gave my mother an invoice for his services. I am offended! She paid him and said she doesn’t want to be petty by putting him out. I don’t want to meddle, but I think I should say something to my dad. -- Unpaid Dues

DEAR UNPAID DUES: Your mother should not have paid him. Instead, she should have given him an itemized bill for what she thinks would be fair compensation for his contribution to the household while he was there, from which she might deduct his painting fee.

Yes, you should say something to your father, namely that he took advantage of your mother’s kindness. He should apologize and repay her when he has the funds.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: Many of you may know that I rarely use this space to make personal statements. I am writing today to tell you that my mother, Doris Irene Freeland Cole, has passed away at age 95. Many of you may have already experienced the loss of your mother, while plenty more continue to be blessed with a mother ready to share wisdom, love and advice.

My mother has joined the ancestors. While my sisters and I knew this day was near, nothing totally prepares you for it. In my broadcasts and speaking engagements, I often talk about the legacy that my mother has left me. As a former kindergarten teacher, Doris Cole delighted in awakening curiosity and clarity in others. She walked with grace and radiated joy. People often described her as a beam of light; they gravitated to her. I will never forget when she visited me on campus during my college days; young men flocked around us in order to follow her -- something they did not do for me when she wasn’t around!

Doris Cole taught me everything that I teach and share today: how to be thoughtful, how to honor others, how to communicate effectively and how to move through space with dignity and ease. She shared key information and examples illuminating how to achieve those ways of being on a need-to-know basis. She did not brag or demand attention, yet she was exquisitely beautiful and kind. She taught us that beauty is as beauty does.

I have a world of lessons swirling in my being right now that she poured into me. My sister Susan said recently that she taught us how to live with grace at the end of life just as she had exemplified it throughout our lives. My sister Stephanie, the hands-on caregiver in our family, says that Mama’s lessons and love flowed from her into everyone she encountered every single day. Among those lessons: Do not complain. Practice kindness. Recognize the goodness in yourself and others. Have faith. Keep good company. Stand up for what you believe. Be able to support yourself. Be beautiful from the inside out.

As I honor my mother, the daughter of a porter and a maid -- who lived to be 101 and who stopped working at 93 -- who ultimately became part of Baltimore’s Black elite, I acknowledge her legacy. She grew up during segregation. She lived through World War II, Jim Crow, the Civil Rights Movement and the election of a Black president. She married a man who would become the first Black state senator in Maryland and the first Black judge on the Maryland Court of Appeals, Harry Augustus Cole. Our family became Black Baltimore royalty. I say it that way because our city was racially divided. We were honored because our parents were honorable. That is the life I do my best to live -- to fulfill their legacy. Through all of the work that I do, my intention is to bring goodness, strength, clarity and inspiration to all whom I touch.

I take this moment to honor Doris Irene Freeland Cole and to invite you to remember those in your life who have passed on and to reconnect to those loved ones who are still here.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m working as a nanny for a family I really enjoy. The position has been a good fit. The child is wonderful, the hours are manageable and I’ve developed a positive relationship with the rest of the family. However, there’s one issue that’s starting to create some stress for me: Part of my responsibilities include driving the child to and from activities, school and playdates, all using my personal car. When I accepted the job, I assumed that any driving expenses -- like gas and wear and tear on my vehicle -- would be reimbursed, which has been standard in past nanny jobs. However, when I brought up the subject of gas reimbursement with the parents, they brushed it off and said they weren’t willing to cover those costs. While I enjoy working with this family, I can’t afford to cover the cost of gas out of my own pocket. I feel stuck between wanting to continue in a job I love and needing to advocate for fair compensation for my work and expenses. What should I do? -- Expenses Paid

DEAR EXPENSES PAID: Let the family know that as much as you love your job and their child, you cannot afford to finance the child’s transportation. If they are unwilling to pay for their child’s rides, you will need to find another job. Start looking as they consider their options.

DEAR HARRIETTE: When I read your letter to “Day Care Woes,” in which the mother said her son can't stop crying when dropped off at day care, I was reminded of my own experience with a child who wouldn't stop crying.

I was a single mother. When I dropped off my 2-year-old daughter at day care, she wouldn't stop crying unless I held and comforted her for 20 to 30 minutes -- and sometimes longer. I didn't want to leave her in emotional distress. After each day's comforting, eventually my daughter would stop crying and be comfortable enough to walk away.

Every day, the day care worker told me to “just leave.” She said my daughter would be all right eventually. But I trusted my intuition and continued to stay as long as needed. I arrived early enough to comfort my daughter and not be late to work. In a month, my daughter no longer needed comforting and would run happily into the caretaker's house.

Six months later, the caretaker apologized, saying her advice had been wrong. Turns out another of her charges had been doing the same thing -- crying inconsolably at being dropped off -- and the caretaker had given the mother the same advice to just leave him and he'll get over it.

Only then, six months later, he had never gotten over it and would cry for a long time after being dropped off. The caretaker said she was sorry she'd ever given the advice to the other mother because it now looked like the crying was never going to end.

I wonder if “Day Care Woes” was also given bad advice, and if she only needs to take the time to comfort her son each day until he calms down. I imagine that being moved from day care to day care is upsetting the boy as well. His continual crying could be something else, but it might be worth a try. -- Second Opinion

DEAR SECOND OPINION: Great illustration of the value of trusting your gut.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)