DEAR HARRIETTE: Six months ago, my boyfriend broke up with me, and I’m embarrassed to admit that I still can’t seem to get over him. The truth is that he wasn’t even that great of a boyfriend. He was inconsistent with his communication, dismissive of my feelings and didn’t do much to show me that he cared about me. Even knowing all of that, I find myself stuck on the good memories and the “what-ifs.”

My friends keep telling me I deserve better and should move on, but I feel like I’m caught in this loop of replaying everything in my head and wondering if I made mistakes that ruined the relationship. I’ve tried dating again, but I end up comparing every new person to him, which makes me feel worse. Part of me worries that if I couldn’t make it work with him, maybe I’ll never make it work with anyone. I want to heal and move forward, but I don’t know where to start. Sometimes I wonder if holding on to him is just an excuse to avoid facing the fear of being alone. -- Holding On

DEAR HOLDING ON: Make a list of the qualities you want in a partner. What values are important to you? What traits spark your interest? Think of all of the characteristics that appeal to you and write them down. Next, list the behaviors that irk you. What do you want to avoid in a relationship? Feel free to think about your ex and use what didn’t work with him, but don't limit your list to only his attributes. Now reference your lists and look around. Who in your world reflects what you have listed? If you don’t see anyone, expand your horizons. Put yourself out there to meet other people.

When you think of your ex, remember the ways in which he did not measure up, even as you notice certain good qualities on your list that he does have. You deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you. Whenever you start to long for him, return your list. Did he truly measure up, or do you just miss the idea of him?

DEAR HARRIETTE: Every time I go back home for the holidays, it turns into a shouting match because my parents and I have opposing political views. What starts as small talk always ends up in heated debates that leave me feeling drained and resentful. I’ve tried avoiding certain topics, but my parents bring them up and push until I feel cornered into responding. Holidays that used to be fun now feel like emotional battlegrounds, and I’ve started dreading them instead of looking forward to spending time together. Sometimes I make excuses to leave early, just to avoid another round of arguing. My siblings usually stay quiet, which makes me feel even more singled out when the spotlight lands on me. I don’t want to cut ties with my family, but I also don’t want to spend every visit bracing myself for arguments. How can I keep the peace and protect my mental health while still staying connected to them? -- Need a Truce

DEAR NEED A TRUCE: You can decide that some topics are off-limits when you are with your family. When they come up, remind your parents that you love them and, therefore, you have decided not to talk about these controversial topics. If they don’t stop, walk out of the room. Do not engage.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex and I dated for about three years while we were in college. When we broke up, we maintained our friendship and shared many things, like our friend group. Fast-forward to the present day -- five years post-college -- and we are still in the same friend circle, but it’s becoming an issue. I started dating someone recently who went to our college. While she knows my ex, they are not really friends and have never been close. Even though I thought it was OK to date this person, I was not upfront with my ex, and she found out while we were all at a birthday celebration. She was shocked, to say the least, and left abruptly, claiming that my new girlfriend and I embarrassed her and should have given her a heads-up. I feel like I'm still trapped in a relationship that I haven’t been in for years! Do I really owe my ex an explanation on who’s new in my love life? How do I set boundaries without bruising the integrity of our friendship? -- New Flame

DEAR NEW FLAME: Something inside of you told you that this might be an awkward situation -- that’s why you didn’t tell your ex about your new love interest in the first place. Since you decided to stay in communication with your ex for all these years, it would have been kind to let her know that you are dating someone she knows.

You should apologize to her. Speak to her privately and let her know that you had no intention of upsetting or unsettling her. You realize it would have been thoughtful for you to tell her about your new girlfriend, but it is important to you that you have the freedom to be with whoever you want -- as it should be for her, as well.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am experiencing a financial rough patch. I’ve been working as a freelancer and doing some odd jobs on the side to secure income. Recently, while at a friends-and-family gathering, I received an email asking if I were available to come in and work an event that night. I agreed. I would have to leave my family gathering a bit early, but I’d been at the event for three hours at that point. When I announced that I had to leave earlier than expected, my sister spent the rest of the evening complaining. Why was I leaving? Why did I even want to work that job? Why was I ditching her? It was frustrating. It is not my preference to miss out on family moments, but it was what I needed to do at the time. Having to carry the weight of someone else’s selfish needs makes everything harder. How can I manage my family’s expectations better? -- Putting Me First

DEAR PUTTING ME FIRST: Ask your sister to back off. Remind her that you love her and that the family and you show up whenever you can. When work calls -- especially during this time of financial uncertainty -- you must answer. You hope she can understand that.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend is incredibly generous when it comes to friends, family and even strangers, but when it comes to me, he’s surprisingly stingy, whether it’s time, attention or small gestures of affection. I feel unappreciated, hurt and confused because I don’t understand why I’m being treated differently, especially since I try to support and give to him in every way I can. I’ve thought about bringing it up, but I’m worried that if I do, it might come across as nagging or start an argument. At the same time, I don’t want to continue feeling undervalued in my own relationship. How can I talk to him honestly about how his behavior affects me without creating tension or making him feel attacked? I just want to feel seen and appreciated for once. I worry that if this continues, it could build resentment between us over time. -- Stingy Boyfriend

DEAR STINGY BOYFRIEND: This man doesn’t deserve to be your boyfriend if he doesn’t treat you right. Speak up! Point out to him that you have noticed how generous and thoughtful he is with others and how attractive you find that in his personality. This makes it all the more perplexing that he does not afford you the same thoughtfulness and attention. Give him examples of times when you wish he had said or done something that acknowledged or supported you when he didn’t. Tell him it hurts your feelings when he seems to overlook your needs and desires. Ask him if he realizes he does this.

If he shrugs it off and diminishes your concerns, push back. Tell him you need him to take your feelings seriously. The way he responds will tell you all you need to know about whether he is the guy for you. Don’t stay if he is unwilling to shine some of his loving generosity directly on you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been an attorney for about five years. I work at a tight-knit boutique firm representing major artists, entertainers and record labels. Since my career started, I have brought myriad new clients to the firm and exceeded my annual goals on a regular basis. It feels like my firm upholds a hierarchy that is less about performance or value and more about tenure. The people who have been at the firm longer feel entitled to all of the bigger clients, even if I am the one who brokered the relationship or scouted them out. I often feel undermined because some of the managing attorneys speak over me (and other young attorneys) during client meetings. And God forbid I make a mistake or miscommunicate with a client -- as opposed to constructive conversations, my manager is condescending. I tried giving feedback about the hostility that comes with this hierarchy they abide by, but my more seasoned colleagues accused my generation of being sensitive and assured me that it’s nothing they didn’t experience. I never expected that this kind of hazing would be prevalent in the professional world. Is this what it’s like for all young professionals across all industries? -- Corporate Ladder

DEAR CORPORATE LADDER: Every industry is different, but what’s happening to you isn’t right. Work on building relationships with individual leaders in your business so they get to know you and are exposed to your work ethic and results. Building and strengthening one-on-one relationships is the way to grow and defend yourself.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)