Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighborhood grocery store has recently begun featuring a guitar-playing singer during busier shopping times. His makeshift stage is just by the door, so one is in his field of vision upon entering and exiting the store, as well as while browsing the produce.

While the songs aren’t offensive, loud or bothersome in any way, I find the whole arrangement awkward and generally try to avoid eye contact. Am I being rude? How should one respond to a live entertainer when shopping for necessaries?

GENTLE READER: Placing a performer in such a situation is one of many thoughtless ideas that occur to modern employers with alarming regularity. Miss Manners’ sympathy is with the musician, whose predicament is worse than yours.

But as these people have agreed to do this -- and are presumably being paid -- your own responsibilities are limited to a brief acknowledgment in passing, and refraining from dumping mayonnaise on their instruments.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My spouse and I were invited to dinner at the house of a couple with whom we are very close. Another couple, whom we didn’t know well, was actually cooking the dinner.

Before dinner, I made some remarks about how hungry I was and couldn’t wait to eat. When we sat down for dinner, I was three bites into my dressing when I discovered a hair in the food. I discreetly removed it from my mouth with my napkin, but was repulsed and couldn’t eat any more.

My hosts kept asking why I wasn’t eating when I had just recently proclaimed how hungry I was. I responded by saying I was full or I had had enough.

On our way home, my spouse asked me why I had stopped eating. When I told him, he was upset that I continued to let him eat the food, knowing what I had found.

If the food had been prepared by our friends, I could’ve been honest with them about what I found and even laughed it off. Since the food was prepared by the couple we didn’t know, I did not say anything. Was I in a no-win situation?

GENTLE READER: More than one, as your husband will attest. Miss Manners hopes that your husband will accept your apology and come to see the humor of the situation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the polite response when served more than one can eat?

I visited my son, who had cooked a nice meal. Without prompting or asking, he served me and my guest what I consider to be huge portions of food. Neither of us were able to eat all we were served.

My son says that not to eat it all was wasteful and rude. I consider serving someone more than they can eat to be wasteful and rude.

GENTLE READER: Hosts, even sons, who attempt to force-feed their guests must be dealt with firmly. Protest -- and, if your host persists, continue to protest -- that while the food is excellent, you simply cannot eat another bite. Entering into specifics (“I ate a big lunch,”; ”I’m allergic to eggplant,”; ”It’s too fattening”) only invites an argument -- just as eating the overgenerous portion only invites seconds.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A male friend sent me a very nice Christmas card describing our friendship. It was pretty accurate; however, a very nice pair of earrings was sent along with the card.

We are both married (to other people) and he is considerably older than me. I am fond of him, but only as a friend. I thanked him for the card and the gift, but told him I could not accept a gift like that and that it made me uncomfortable.

I offended him. Was there a better way for me to have handled this situation?

GENTLE READER: It does not matter whether his indignation is because your assumption -- that the gift suggested something more than friendship -- is right or wrong.

As in many etiquette situations, Miss Manners warns you that you will have to take the blame upon yourself: You are so embarrassed, it is just the way you were brought up, etc. As your parents will not be present to defend themselves, your friend will have to accept this answer if he wishes to maintain the friendship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve known my brother-in-law since he was a teenager. So recently, when he was telling his daughters about job offers he’d had in his youth, I knew the only truth to what he said was the location and time frame. The rest was absolutely ridiculous.

Then, at a family party, when we were discussing his daughter’s new job, her sister said she was “teaching classes”; her mother said she was “teaching classes and was in charge of the curriculum”; and when my brother-in-law caught me, he said, “My daughter’s boss is having her run the entire company.”

What is the protocol for dealing with these massive exaggerations?!

GENTLE READER: The proper protocol is a big smile. Whether you are smiling to acknowledge how important the job is or to indicate that you realize that your brother-in-law is exaggerating for effect should, Miss Manners cautions you, be ambiguous to everyone but yourself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our group of ladies gets together every couple of months for lunch, to reminisce and catch up. If there is a noteworthy occasion coming up, one of the members always appears with a sweet concoction: pie, ice cream cake, etc. After the meal, she produces it, then asks the waitress for a knife, extra plates, forks and napkins.

I am always uneasy. Do we think the restaurant sweets are unworthy? How can we ask for implements for food they haven’t provided? I generally decline the treat, pleading diet or some such.

GENTLE READER: Restaurants, like hosts, provide food. Miss Manners reminds everyone that it is impolite to pack your own, something the restaurant has no doubt already told your friends if they are so unwise as to pull this trick more than once at the same establishment.

Declining the treat does not relieve you of all responsibility. It is better privately to convince one or two members of your circle, who can then help you bring the rest around to a better policy for future celebrations.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During the time I was with my now-ex-fiance, I treated his kids like my own and purchased small gifts for Valentine’s, birthdays, Easter, Christmas, etc. I bought his ex-wife a small box of chocolates one Christmas, and a tin of flavored popcorn the next year as a gesture of politeness.

I did such because despite my parents having had a nasty divorce, they never bad-mouthed each other and made certain the other had a gift from my brother and me. So, I was raised seeing that positive and mature behavior from my parents.

While the kids said thank you, I never received a thank-you from the ex-wife -- she never told my fiance to thank me, never told her kids to tell me on her behalf, nor did I receive such via a holiday card.

To clarify, I didn’t expect a gift in return from the ex-wife or kids. I realize that the ex-wife might have taken my gesture as an attempt to suck up to her, which it wasn’t. Yet I find it incredibly rude that she never said thank you on any level.

Now I am dating again. What should I do if I find myself in the same situation? Were my past actions too nice?

GENTLE READER: “Too nice” is not a concept with which Miss Manners is familiar, and she never wants to discourage generosity. But there is a difference between keeping up customs with someone you have divorced and doing so with a stranger that someone else has.

If the presents were intended to come from the children, the ex-wife would have had no reason to thank you. But if you considered her indebted to you for providing them, you would have given the lie to that and left her understandably flummoxed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We’ve been close friends with a couple for over 15 years, frequently going out for dinner together, spending weekends away together and hosting each other in our homes. We’ve always spent a few days away celebrating New Year’s with them.

This year, I asked if there were plans, and hadn’t heard anything for about a week, so I just asked again. They replied four hours later, stating that they were away with another couple for the weekend and they would be home on New Year’s Eve, late afternoon, if we wanted to go to a party they were invited to. They wanted us to tag along.

I am disappointed that they so casually tossed us aside like this after so many years of being together! What and how should I respond when they text us to see if we are able to go with them? I prefer not to even answer, I’m so hurt, but my husband says it’s rude to ignore them.

GENTLE READER: And also to expect that they were bound forever to a standing date.

Miss Manners agrees that they handled this awkwardly by not responding to your first inquiry. Perhaps we can allow for the possibility that their travel prevented them from getting your message.

But asking you to attend a party to which you were not invited by the hosts is beyond awkward. Of course you cannot go. A polite response that would force your friends to rekindle normal social relations with you would be to send good wishes for the New Year.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)