DEAR MISS MANNERS: We just received wonderful news: Our 34-year-daughter and her husband are expecting their first child. She was born with cerebral palsy that mostly affected her legs; life hasn’t always been easy for her, but she’s able to get around and has lived a mostly normal life.

What really galls me is that I’ve told a few people my daughter is pregnant and they actually said to me, “Is she going to be OK? Can she actually have a child?”

I was floored when they said that. I said, “I’m not sure what you mean. Do you want to explain --” and then they would say, “Oh, nothing, we just thought because of her condition ...”

Comments like that really anger me, and I’m not sure how to respond without really blowing a gasket. I think they are rude and make it sound like my daughter is “damaged” in some way. How should I handle these insensitive comments?

GENTLE READER: As you have discovered, it is a bad idea to ask such people to explain, because then they do. Rather, you should make it clear that you will not tolerate that line of questioning.

The civil way to do this is to respond to their words, not their meaning. So to the question about whether your daughter can have a child, Miss Manners suggests, “That is the usual result of pregnancy, isn’t it?” Other references to her “condition” would entitle you to explain, “Her condition has been diagnosed as pregnancy.” Then, as a prompt to what the reaction should have been: “... and we are all thrilled.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At what rank should we discontinue addressing people with honorifics after they are no longer in the role? Presidents seemingly remain presidents forever. Diplomats are ambassadors for life. Congress people, ditto. Generals and admirals seem to get the same treatment. So should we call our acquaintance John Smith “lieutenant” or “sergeant”?

GENTLE READER: Well, the rule is that unique titles, such as president of the United States, are held by only one person at the same time. Nobody follows this rule, least of all former presidents, who always address one another by that title.

Miss Manners would have thought that if one has been president, everyone knows it, and it is charmingly modest to revert to a nonexclusive title -- as, for example, did Gen. Washington. (Military officers retain their titles.)

But in these political, acrimonious times, she supposes that it would seem like a slur not to do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Using a knife and fork to eat crispy bacon causes it to shatter. It is then difficult to pick up the shards and crumbles on the fork. Is it ever appropriate to eat crispy bacon by picking it up with the fingers?

GENTLE READER: Both of these phenomena are true. Miss Manners recognizes that you make an excellent argument for eating breakfast alone.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Pre-COVID, my large family had parties all the time, since it was always someone’s birthday, anniversary or other milestone. We would get together, celebrate and go home; nothing else happened.

However, I have one family member who would graciously offer to throw a party for someone in her own home, then instruct guests to bring a specific dish or a bottle of wine (usually both).

We usually all chipped in to make these dinner parties happen. But a couple days after the event, she would send a message to all the guests to find out how much everyone had spent on their dish. She would then include her own costs for decorations and the like, and charge all guests a payment.

This usually ranged from $30 to $50 -- which, when added to what I spent at the grocery store and the time spent preparing food, wound up close to $100. I would rather just go to a restaurant. This charge always came as a surprise to me, because it was only ever mentioned after the party was done with.

As someone who hosts friends for dinner, I’ve never expected them to pay me back. I usually don’t even ask for wine or alcohol, but will suggest something if someone offers to bring a bottle.

The issue with my relative has gotten to the point that my partner won’t go to events at her home anymore, and I don’t want to invite any friends because I don’t want the embarrassment of sending them charges on her behalf. I rarely want to go myself, because I don’t want to go through the effort of preparing food and being charged, as well.

I know she doesn’t have a lot of money, but the general consensus is that if you can’t afford the cost of a party, don’t throw the party.

COVID has allowed me to skip nearly every event she’s thrown this year, but I recently decided to attend a gathering of seven people. Lo and behold, the next day I was asked how much I had spent on food, and then was told to send her money.

My partner can continue to skip all these gatherings for the rest of his life for all I care, but I can’t always say no to seeing my family. Is there anything I can say to this relative to let her know that we don’t appreciate these surprises from a host, and would rather not attend if she’s going to keep doing this?

GENTLE READER: Yes: You can invite her to a party that you throw, exercising proper hospitality. That way you get to see your friends, your partner will attend and you can have what Miss Manners trusts will be the pleasure of telling that relative not to bring anything, as you are the host.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 29-year-old daughter has “unfriended” my husband and me on social media, and most likely blocked our phone numbers. We haven’t talked, texted or anything in over a month.

The reason is that she has a resale business where she buys furniture in other cities, then brings it back to our city and sells it for a profit. She has asked multiple times to borrow our cars, which have gotten dinged up from putting furniture in them. And the last time she used my car, a rock hit my window.

She did not offer to fix it, and got mad at me when I asked her to make a claim on her insurance, since she was driving. When I asked her to pay for the deductible on my insurance, she got mad at us and said the only thing we ever talked about was money.

Am I wrong that when you borrow something and it gets damaged, you are responsible? The money isn’t the issue; it is the disrespect toward me! We addressed the issue before she unfriended us.

Obviously this isn’t a huge amount of money. We’d like to have a relationship with our daughter, but don’t want to be walked on. Any suggestions on repairing this situation since she blocked us out?

GENTLE READER: Write a letter. It has the advantage of being both disarming in its novelty and also one-sided.

Keep it simple and do not cast or accept blame: “We are sorry that the situation with the car got out of hand. Now that we have resolved it, let us all take pains to do better in the future. We miss you.”

Miss Manners cannot promise that your daughter will respond to or even read it, but at least she will have to take greater measures if she wants to block or unfriend the mail system.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Pre-pandemic, two longtime friends invited me for dinner at their home once or twice a year. In the thank-you notes I’ve sent afterwards, I’ve mentioned that I’ve had a wonderful time -- the atmosphere is warm, and they’re good company -- and that the meal was delicious (I’ve made specific reference to at least one dish each time). But I’m worried that my notes are repetitive.

I realize that sincere (if repetitive) notes are better than none, and I have no intention of not sending a note should they, or anyone else, make a meal for me in the future. But I wonder whether I am overlooking some additional element that should be included.

GENTLE READER: How about the conversation? “I am so glad that we were able to shed some light on the subject of sea turtle preservation. Freya really made me think about my position and now I am deep into a study of their migration habits.”

A thank-you letter at all is a rare thing. A good one, even more so. Miss Manners commends you for your efforts -- and assures you that making yours thoughtful and specific will, at the very least, increase your desirability as a delightful dinner guest.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)