The Adair family of Deerfield Beach, Florida, were startled awake on July 15 by the sound of something meaty crashing onto their roof. When they investigated, they found two packages of Italian pork sausage in the side yard, and three more packages still on the roof. The sausages were in bags marked with the name of a land-clearing company in Alabama. Austin Adair called the company to inquire about the wayward sausages, but "the guy had no idea what I was talking about and probably thought I was crazy," he said, and the mystery remains unsolved. "I would love to know what really happened," said Jennie Adair, "because it's just so, so odd." [WPLG 10 News, 7/17/2017]

The Naked Truth

-- Summers are hot in Lawrence, Kansas, and Christopher Steven Carlson, 34, of Riley took advantage of the warm temperatures on July 30 to stroll down a sidewalk in the busy college town in his birthday suit -- twice. Police first arrested Carlson around 2 p.m. in downtown Lawrence for indecent exposure, after which he paid his $500 fine and was released. He caught a taxi from the Douglas County Jail back to the downtown area, where he stiffed the driver, left his clothes in the car and resumed his in-the-buff constitutional. Local business owner Meg Heriford said: "Our customers were not alarmed. It was more like, 'Hey, there's a naked guy.'" [Kansas City Star, 7/31/2017]

-- Nakedness does leave one a bit vulnerable, as Travis Tingler, 32, found out on July 16 as he stood unclothed outside his girlfriend's house in Manitowoc, Wisconsin, shouting and threatening to hurt the people inside. When police arrived, they tried and failed to get Tingler back into his pants, so they handcuffed him. As they struggled to put him in the police car, Tingler picked up a lighter off the ground, and a probe from an officer's stun gun struck the lighter, igniting Tingler's chest and beard hairs. An officer was able to pat the fire out. [NY Daily News, 7/18/2017]

-- Nudity, like everything else, is more fun when you can share it with friends. Or so it appeared to drivers along route A66 in Workington, Cumbria, in England, who spied four "shame-faced" men walking along the road wearing nothing but sneakers on July 30. The four "protected their modesty with cupped hands" and appeared to be walking quickly, according to Kathryn Lynn, 50, who drove by with her husband and daughter and snapped a photo of the odd group. "It was a bit of a shock to see," she said. [Daily Mail, 8/4/2017]

The Continuing Crisis

Out of eight candidates for Detroit mayor in the Aug. 8 primary, half were convicted felons, the Detroit News reported. Three women and one man have convictions including gun crimes and assault with intent to commit murder. "Black marks on your record show you have lived a little and have overcome some challenges," opined political consultant Greg Bowens. Michigan law allows convicted felons to vote and run for office unless they are currently incarcerated, or if their offenses are fraud-related or constitute a breach of public trust. (Update: None of the felons advanced to the general election.) [Detroit News, 8/2/2017]

Ironies

In Green Bay, Wisconsin, the Spartans of Vincent T. Lombardi Middle School won't be playing football this year because of a lack of coaches. Jim Van Abel, principal of the school named after the revered coach of the Green Bay Packers, told parents in a letter that the district had been advertising for coaching positions since April, to no avail. Student Alex Coniff said last year about 55 students played on the school's two football teams. (Interestingly, the district was also unable to provide a representative to be interviewed for the story.) [FOX 11 News, 8/1/2017]

The Perfect Name

Weedville, Pennsylvania, more than lived up to its name on July 31 when the North Central Municipal Drug Task Force busted Tiffany R. Potts, 23, and James Michael Dunshie, 30, at their home. The pair were caught with heroin, methamphetamines, hallucinogenic mushrooms, firearms and drug paraphernalia -- but, apparently, no weed. [The Courier Express, 8/4/2017]

The Job of the Researcher

Sexing certain species of turtles used to be an invasive process, sometimes requiring surgery on the little guy or gal. But Donald McKnight, a Ph.D. student at James Cook University in Queensland, Australia, has perfected a method that speeds up the process -- and presumably pleases the shelled reptile. McKnight uses a vibrator to stimulate the underside of the turtle, which causes a male to "reveal himself," sometimes in as little as 4 seconds. McKnight did his research in Oklahoma on threatened western chicken turtles. [ABC Sunshine Coast, 8/3/2017]

Readers' Choice

Dilworth, Minnesota, police officer Brad Browning suffered a bout of bad luck on Aug. 2 after he pulled over a car with a burned-out headlight. The driver, Stephen Hietala, 27, of Perham, had a warrant out for his arrest. When officers tried to handcuff Hietala, he resisted, prompting one officer to fire his Taser, which missed Heitala and hit Officer Browning instead. Hietala took off running, with Browning chasing on foot. Soon a sheriff's deputy arrived with a police dog, but as Browning cornered Hietala in an alley, the dog bit Browning instead of the criminal. Officers finally arrested Hietala for fleeing a police officer and drug possession. [Minneapolis Star-Tribune, 8/5/2017]

Bright Idea

In Munich, Germany, Benjamin David has found a unique way to drown his commuting sorrows. He swims to work. "When I was on my bike, I would yell at cars," David said. "When I was on foot, I would yell at cyclists. ... (J)ust a few metres to the side of (the road) is the (Isar) river, and if you just swim down that, it's completely relaxed and refreshing." David stores his work clothes, laptop and mobile phone in a waterproof bag, and the river's current sometimes allows him to float along his 1.2-mile route and enjoy the scenery -- including bystanders on bridges. [CBC Radio, 8/4/2017]

Awesome!

Two Subway sandwich shop workers in Coventry, Rhode Island, frustrated a potential robber on July 25 by acting like teenagers -- ignoring his demands for money until he finally gave up and left the store. Police told a local news station that the robber, caught on security cameras, looked "exasperated" and "mumbled something under his breath as he walked out of the business." [NBC News, 7/30/2017]

Oops!

A Hartford City, Indiana, man was outed to police by a tattoo on the back of his neck as he tried to use an alias on July 28. The incident started when James Jason Buck, 33, pounded on the door of a Muncie home, demanding a drink, and homeowners called the police. At first, the man said he was Robert Dill, 37, of Florida. But when an officer noticed his tattoo, "Buck," and called him Mr. Buck, he confessed his real name and date of birth. Mr. Buck also had a plastic bag with crystal methamphetamine, and, officers discovered, a rather long rap sheet. [The Star Press, 7/29/2017]

It's Important to Have Goals

When federal agents turned up in May 2016 with a search warrant at the Miami home of 19-year-old Phyllistone Termine, they interrupted the teenager as he crafted a summer fraud to-do list. Items on the list included buying credit card numbers and security codes on the "dark web." Between March 2015 and his arrest, Termine had used stolen Social Security numbers from more than 1,000 victims to collect unemployment benefits in excess of $1 million. Next to his bed were blank white credit cards with magnetic strips and equipment to encode those strips. In July, Termine was sentenced to 4 1/2 years in federal prison, where his organizational skills may be put to some more legal purpose. [Miami Herald, 7/30/2017]

Odessa, Texas, resident Ernesto Baeza Acosta, 34, has legally changed his name to Ernesto Trump and declared himself the son of President Trump. His NSFW Facebook page features photographs of Ernesto wearing a Trump-like wig and asks viewers to "Please share this so that my Dad your president can see this and spend time with me." Ernesto is a fan of President Trump, but his immigrant mother is unamused about his name change. [Dallas Morning News, 6/22/2017]

Bright Ideas

Alana Nicole Donahue, 27, of Springfield, Oregon, just wanted to entertain her children and nephew with a joy ride around the neighborhood. But on July 12, as she pulled the kids (ages 2, 4 and 8) behind her Ford Taurus in a plastic red wagon, she was arrested for reckless endangerment. Donahue told police she was just "showing the kids a good time." However, horrified witnesses saw the car going about 30 mph as the wagon went up on two wheels going around a busy traffic circle at rush hour. [The Oregonian, 7/15/2017]

Unclear on the Concept

David Blackmon identified himself as a drug dealer when he called the Okaloosa (Florida) County Sheriff's Office on July 16 to report that $50 in cash and a quarter-ounce of cocaine had been stolen from his car. When officers investigated, they found a baggie with "suspected cocaine," a crack pipe and a crack rock in the car. Blackmon was charged with possession of cocaine and drug paraphernalia. [WKRG News 5, 7/17/2017]

Compelling Explanations

Everett Lee Compton Jr., 49, told Siloam Springs, Arkansas, police that marijuana "makes him do sick things" after they apprehended him for abusing female donkeys. The donkeys' owners, Emert and Joyce Whitaker, had set up a surveillance camera and recorded Compton on three occasions putting a bag over a donkey's head and placing his pelvis against its rear end. "It just made me sick to my stomach," said Joyce Whitaker. "To know that she couldn't tell nobody and that she was having to go through this." [40/29TV News, 8/2/2017]

Technology Run Amok

A security robot named Steve suffered a soggy fatal error on July 17 when it tumbled down several steps and into a fountain in Washington, D.C. New to the job, the robot had been patrolling the Washington Harbour area of Georgetown, mapping out its features in an effort to prevent just such an accident. "He looked so happy and healthy," an area mourner tweeted after the incident. Another observer was less sympathetic. "Robots: 0; humans: 1," he tweeted. [CBS Philly, 7/19/2017]

Least Competent Criminals

-- The Pink Panther, he ain't. Police in Wayne County, North Carolina, are looking for a careless cat burglar who keeps waking people up as he robs them. At least one victim awakened by the slender white man in early July has seen him wearing a pink polka-dot beach towel around his head. Police aren't sure if he's actually gotten away with any loot. [The Charlotte News & Observer, 7/3/2017]

-- Three heads are apparently not better than one, as three China Grove, North Carolina, masterminds demonstrated on July 12. Rex Allen Farmer, his son, Rex Carlo Farmer, and the younger man's girlfriend, Kayla Nicole Price, cooked up a scheme to rob the Mooresville gas station where the elder Farmer worked. Surveillance video showed Carlo, disguised in a woman's dress and wig, emptying the cash register as his father, the clerk on duty, stood by. Carlo then ran outside and removed the dress and wig, setting them on fire next to the building. However, the fire spread to a meter on the building and a privacy fence, thus summoning authorities. Police soon caught up to all three and arrested them. [Salisbury Post, 7/12/2017]

The Animal Kingdom

-- An African grey parrot named Bud may have been the key witness in convicting 49-year-old Glenna Duram of White Cloud, Michigan, in the shooting death of her husband, Martin Duram, 46. The investigation of the 2015 shooting dragged on for a year before Martin's first wife, who inherited the parrot, shared with a local TV station a videotape of Bud imitating two people having an argument, including the words "Don't (expletive) shoot." Three weeks later, Glenna Duram was arrested and charged with first-degree murder, and on July 19, she was found guilty. [Detroit News, 7/19/2017]

-- Fire department dispatchers in Branson, Missouri, must have thought they were being punked on July 22, when they received a call to rescue a bird from a tree. But it was no joke. A ladder truck was dispatched to rescue a parrot that had escaped and became tangled in its leash 50 feet up in a tree. (Bonus: The firefighter who braved the 50-foot climb was Colt Boldman.) [KY3, 7/22/2017]

Anger Management

Two AT&T utility workers apparently didn't work fast enough on lines outside the home of Jorge Jove, 64, of Hialeah, Florida, on July 19. After confronting the workers, Jove went back into his house, came out carrying a gun and began shooting at the AT&T trucks, deflating the tires. Jove reloaded twice and shot at the trucks' engines before aiming at Gilberto Ramos, a service worker who was up on a utility pole. Jove was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. [WSVN 7 News, 7/19/2017]

Government in Action

-- Adi Astl, 73, took it upon himself to solve a safety problem in Tom Riley Park in the Etobicoke area of Toronto, Ontario. Accessing the park meant navigating a steep hill, and Astl felt it was dangerous. The city balked at building a staircase, citing a cost between $65,000 and $150,000. So Astl, a retired mechanic, built it himself, with the help of a homeless man -- for $550. Responding to the resulting media storm, the city now plans to build a regulation staircase costing $10,000. "Bureaucrats, bureaucrats, bureaucrats," Astl concluded. [Toronto Star, 7/21/2017]

-- Meanwhile, in British Columbia's New Westminster, the city has constructed, at a cost of $200,000, an unfinished stairway to nowhere. The structure was originally intended to replace a required fire escape on a building, but was left incomplete and unattached to the building when concerns arose about wires overhead. "I thought it was an artwork, but I don't think it makes that much sense," said passerby Lawrence Kong. [Global News, 7/23/2017]

New World Order

-- Move over, Mace. Women in China are buying "anti-pervert flamethrowers" that can be carried discreetly in a handbag and launch a scorching rebuff up to 50cm (about 20 inches) when needed. Chinese police have warned that the devices are illegal, but one vendor called them a "legal, non-lethal tool." [The Telegraph, 7/18/2017]

-- Also in China, the Global Harbour mall in Shanghai has introduced husband storage facilities for bored men who have accompanied their wives shopping. The glass pods include a chair, monitor, computer and game pad where parked husbands can play vintage video games while their wives shop. Reaction from pod dwellers has been mixed, with one man saying the lack of ventilation left him "drenched in sweat." [BBC, 7/14/2017]

Law and Order

About a week after police in Minneapolis killed unarmed Justine Ruszczyk after she called to report an assault, orange signs began popping up on streetside poles depicting a jumping police officer with a gun in each hand and the warning, "Twin Cities Police Officers Easily Startled." Minneapolis police department spokeswoman Sgt. Catherine Michal said on July 24 that public works employees were removing the signs, which were made of metal and resembled traffic signs. [CNN, 7/24/2017]

People Different From Us

Barbara Rogers, 42, of Coolbaugh Township, Pennsylvania, said she was just following directions when she shot her boyfriend, Steven Mineo, 32, in the forehead on July 15. Rogers said Mineo asked her to kill him because he thought a cult they belonged to was led by a reptilian pretending to be a human. Rogers called 911 to report the shooting, after which she was charged with criminal homicide. [The Morning Call, 7/19/2017]

A local chapter of the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees in Battle Creek, Michigan, is butting heads with Western Michigan University this summer after the school brought in a goat crew to clean up an overgrown woodlot on campus, leaving union workers without jobs. The AFSCME's grievance cites a collective bargaining agreement with WMU, but university officials counter that "the area is rife with poison ivy and other invasive species," which are difficult for humans to remove. The 20-goat crew, rented from Munchers on Hooves in Coldwater, Michigan, is ahead of schedule in clearing a 15-acre area. [Battle Creek Enquirer, 7/6/2017]

With Friends Like These ...

Robert Kanoff, 49, celebrated Independence Day in an unusual way: High on drugs, he was dropped off in his birthday suit at a Tempe, Arizona, Walmart by two people who thought it would be "funny to see him naked," said police. There he walked around the store wearing only shoes and carrying methamphetamines. Maricopa County sheriff's officers caught up with him around 10 p.m. across the street from the store. [The Arizona Republic, 7/7/2017]

The Entrepreneurial Spirit

First bikes, then cars ... now umbrellas. Maybe. Sharing E Umbrella hit the streets of 11 Chinese cities in April with more than 300,000 umbrellas for rent from subway and bus stations. Unfortunately, the company's founder, Zhao Shuping, didn't provide instructions about returning the rentals after use, and most of the umbrellas have disappeared. Zhao noted his mistake, saying, "Umbrellas are different from bicycles. ... With an umbrella you need railings or a fence to hang it on." He plans to replenish his stock with 30 million umbrellas nationwide by the end of the year. [The Straits Times, 7/7/2017]

Questionable Judgments

The Do Son Buffalo Fighting Festival, in which water buffalo are pitted against each other, has been a tradition in Hai Phong, Vietnam, since the 18th century. But on July 1, buffalo trainer Dinh Xuan Huong, 46, met his doom when his own bull turned on him. The buffalo first knocked Dinh to the ground, then flipped him over its head, goring Dinh's leg with its horn. Dinh later died at the Vietnam-Czech Friendship Hospital. Buffalo fighting was stopped in the country during the Vietnam War, but the fights resumed in 1990. [Daily Mail, 7/5/2017]

Under the Influence

-- Police in Slidell, Louisiana, stopped a "car full of drunks" on July 8 and arrested the driver for driving while intoxicated. The car's passengers rode home in a taxi, but one of the women then drove back to the police station to bail out the driver. Slidell officers arrested the woman for DWI, and she joined her friend in jail. "Lesson of the day," Slidell officers posted on their Facebook page: "Don't drive drunk to a police station in order to bail out your drunk friend!" [United Press International, 7/11/2017]

-- Police in Swansea, Illinois, suspect the heir to a brewery fortune has graduated from driving drunk to flying high. August Adolphus Busch IV, 53, landed his helicopter around noon on July 10 in an office complex parking lot outside St. Louis. Police and FAA investigators were still trying to determine why he had landed there and whether any aviation laws had been broken when they were called back to the parking lot around 8 p.m., where Busch, appearing to be intoxicated, was trying unsuccessfully to take off. Swansea police reported that Busch failed field sobriety tests but passed a breath test, and after they secured a warrant, Busch was taken to a local hospital for blood tests. (Also found in the helicopter: four loaded guns, several prescription pill bottles and eight dogs.) At press time, no charges had been filed. [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 7/12/2017]

Lacking a Filter

Baseball fans at the Los Angeles Dodgers-Kansas City Royals game in Dodger Stadium on July 8 were treated to some righteous moves on the dance cam by "Rally Granny," an older fan who capped her performance by flashing her bra at the 40,000-plus spectators. "You don't see THAT much at a baseball stadium," deadpanned Dodgers first baseman Cody Bellinger (who actually missed the spectacle). [The Associated Press, 7/9/2017]

From Bad to Worse

Two women in Arlington, Texas, called police for help on July 10 as a mentally ill man doused himself with gasoline in preparation to commit suicide. When responding officers began talking with the distraught man, he poured more gasoline on himself and appeared to be holding a lighter in his hand. Hoping to subdue him, one of the officers used his Taser on the man and the gasoline ignited, engulfing him in flames. Officers wrapped him in blankets and removed him from the house. His family reports he was severely burned, and at press time he was in critical condition. [NBC DFW, 7/11/2017]

Now You Have Our Attention

-- On July 6, IRS workers in Ogden, Utah, received a fake bomb from Normand Lariviere, 68, of Olympia, Washington. The U.S. Navy veteran and former civilian defense contractor has been disgruntled with the Department of Defense since his dismissal in the 1990s and has a history of mailing disturbing objects to the IRS to protest paying taxes. In 2016, Lariviere sent one of his fingers, a bullet and a marijuana joint to tax collectors. "Many things I could do," he threatened. "I'm not going to tip my hand." [Seattle PI, 7/10/2017]

-- Drivers speeding down Bedford Street in Lakeville, Massachusetts, may touch the brakes when they spot a parked police cruiser at the side of the road. But the "vehicle," a plywood and aluminum sign painted to look like a Crown Victoria black-and-white, is a ruse perpetrated by resident Kelly Tufts to get drivers to slow down. Tufts parks the "car" in his driveway, especially on weekends, to protect dogs and kids from speeding traffic. "We've had some people give us the one finger," Tufts said. "If it was their neighborhood, they'd enjoy it." [Boston 25 News, 7/11/2017]

Awesome!

A mathematician in Bucharest, Romania, scored a 44,900 euro profit when he made an exciting discovery at a flea market there: a rare World War II Enigma machine, used by the Nazis for encrypting messages. After paying the unwitting seller just 100 euros ($114 U.S.) for it, he took it into his care, cleaning and repairing it and learning how it worked. On July 11, a Bucharest auction house sold the machine for 45,000 euros ($51,500 U.S.) to an unnamed bidder. [CNN, 7/12/2017]

Bright Ideas

Why hire moving professionals for just one appliance? A man in Brisbane, Australia, gamely tried transporting his full-size refrigerator on a Queensland Rail car in April. He first rolled the fridge, strapped to a handcart, onto an elevator to the train platform. Shortly after guiding it into the train carriage, the man and his icebox were removed from the car by transit officers, who wrote him a $252 ticket. Apparently, his item would not fit under a seat, in an overhead rack or in a designated storage area, as Queensland Rail rules specify. [The Courier Mail, 7/11/2017]

Update

Zimbabwe's "sperm bandits" have reportedly struck again. An unnamed 39-year-old male teacher from Macheke was abducted as he waited for a bus on July 2, drugged and gang-raped by a gang of three women. Since 2011, the "semen harvesters" have struck several times, sexually assaulting their victims and collecting semen in condoms to sell later for "good luck." The latest victim told The Standard newspaper that for two days he was held against his will and subjected to further abuse under threat of being shot. Finally, his abductors dumped him by the side of the road. [The Standard, 7/9/2017]