Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 35-year-old woman, and I’ve been married for 10 years, together for 12. My husband and I have always had a good sex life, but it’s always been very standard, and, if I’m honest, a little stale. I was always a little nervous about bringing this up to my husband, but then a twist of fate meant that we had the conversation anyway.

One night, after a few glasses of wine and an edible, he actually brought up that he had been getting bored with our sex life as well and wanted to shake things up. I was surprised to find out that he felt the same way, but I wasn’t exactly upset to have him bring up the topic first and it felt like it freed us to talk about this more honestly and about what we might want to do.  

Lately, we’ve been talking about pushing our boundaries beyond things like  sexy lingerie or romantic overnight hotel stays, and one topic that came up was about going to a play party or sex party together. My husband’s excited about the idea and while I’m definitely curious and willing to give it a try, I’m also feeling a bit nervous and unsure about what to expect.

I think a lot of it is that I’m not sure what to expect or what I’d be expected to do. I know neither of us is interested in some sort of partner swap and an orgy feels like it would be far too extreme, but I don’t know what other options there are. I’ve never been to a sex party before, and I know next to nothing about them that I didn’t see in movies or hear about on daytime television. I’m not sure what the mood is like, what’s expected of me, or even how I’m supposed to act. Am I expected to be open to whatever is offered to me? Do I have to be comfortable with people touching me or my husband without saying anything? How do we dress, how do we interact with other people… I feel like I’m going to make some sort of faux pas and get us both in trouble by accident 

How do people navigate these kinds of things? What do I need to know before we go, and how can I make sure we both feel comfortable while also having fun?

Thanks in advance,

First Time Jitters

DEAR FIRST TIME JITTERS: I don’t want to overstate things, FTJ, but sex parties are incredibly impactful; one wrong move at a sex party can literally change who ends up being president of the United States. 

(I kid, but only slightly… do a quick search for how Jeri Ryan’s divorce lead to Obama getting elected to the senate).

OK, let’s actually be serious now. It’s understandable that you’re a little nervous, FTJ, especially if you’re picturing something that’s somewhere between Eyes Wide Shut and Caligula. The expectations people have is that these sorts of parties are either wall-to-wall piles of naked or nearly naked bodies in multiple configurations or something that looks like a bondage club mixed with the blood rave from Blade, all filled with people who look like Playboy models and extremely waxed men with 3% body fat and an HGH habit.

The reality tends to be a lot more mundane and a lot less exotic; unless you’re going to a party that’s very exclusive and has an extensive vetting process, a lot of the people you’re likely to encounter are going to be in their 30s to 50s, in average shape, and from various walks of life. Most of the time, there will either be an even mix of men and women, or it’ll tilt slightly more towards having more female guests than male. Just about every play party or sex party knows that they live or die by how many women are in attendance, so men are rarely allowed entry without a female partner, while women are allowed to come solo or with other friends. Women also often either get in for free, or with a discount if there’s a ticket or cover charge.

The venue itself can vary as well; some are hosted in apartments or Airbnb’s, some are in hotel suites or rented out clubs, some may be in the local BDSM dungeon, and some have a permanent location. There may be a theme to the party or a focus on particular kinks or fetishes; a bondage party, for example will likely have setups for different scenes or experiences. Most places tend to have a changing room (or at the very least, a place to stash your coats and purses), an area for general mingling and hanging out, and areas where the action happens. In some, especially permanent or established venues, there may be rooms set aside for specific purposes – these for privacy, these for folks who are cool with an audience and so on.

Some people will be dressed in fetish gear, some will be wearing sexy lingerie, some people will be butt-ass naked or wearing just enough to sit comfortably without needing to wipe down the furniture, and more than a few people will be dressed normally. Many parties will have guidelines about the dress code and what is or isn’t expected – especially if the party is happening in a residential area. Some, for example, may request that you either arrive in street-clothes or wear a coat or cover-up if you’re wearing fetish gear or lingerie; it isn’t good for anyone involved if the neighbors see folks in bondage gear descending on a house like Lord Humungous’ raiding party.

What you won’t see or experience – at least, if the party is even vaguely well run and organized – are people just groping others at random or pulling folks away. Just as the ratio of men to women at the parties can make or break them, party organizers also understand that if women don’t feel safe and comfortable at these events, they won’t go. If women won’t go, the events die. Any sex party worth going to is going to have very strict rules of conduct and safety that everyone is expected to adhere to, that are carefully enforced, and these rules tend to be made clear well in advance and often at the venue itself as well.

While the specifics can vary, there’re a few rules that you’re likely to find. First, there’s almost always a “no phones, cameras or video” policy for obvious reasons; people are encouraged to either leave their devices at home, in the car or securely locked up (if there’re accommodations for it).  

You’re also likely to find that people are expected to ask for consent – not just in general but spelled out; you’re down to do X, Y or Z but not M, N or L, S is a maybe-so-ask-later, but B and G are hard no’s under any circumstance. Random touching without consent isn’t cool, and tends to be the sort of thing that gets people bounced out post-haste. Condoms are almost always mandatory for any sort of penetration; if they aren’t, you’re better off turning around and leaving. Some parties will allow for oral sex without condoms, others won’t. Everyone is also expected to be cool with being turned down; being at a sex party or paying a cover charge doesn’t entitle someone to sex or access to other people’s bodies. Some parties or clubs will have an ask-once-and-only once policy; some don’t. Regardless, making a scene because someone doesn’t want to play is a great way to ensure that not only do you get kicked out of the party but excluded from all future parties as well… and word tends to travel fast in the community if someone’s a problem or a habitual line-stepper.

An important thing to understand is that you’re not expected to participate in anything that you don’t want to. Most well-organized parties understand that some folks are going to be new and may want to get acclimated; after all, if people feel pressured or don’t feel comfortable with the scene, they’ll stop going. So, there’ll often be events that cater to first-timers and others work with the understanding that some folks are there to observe, maybe dip a toe in here or there, but aren’t ready or willing to dive in yet. Any party where participation is expected tends to spell that out in advance; the odds that you’re going to be surprised by some Fight-Club-esque “if it’s your first night here, you have to f--k” rule is very, very low.

And if they spring that on you, you can turn around and walk the f--k away. You may have to eat a cover fee, but it’s still better to consider that the learning-tax than to deal with being pressured into anything you don’t want to do. The same goes if you don’t like the vibe, if people make you feel uncomfortable, or you realize that it’s just really not your thing and you want to go. If you’re not digging it, you’re not obligated to stay. The number one rule is, as always: if it sucks, hit da bricks. 

If and when you and your husband do attend, there’s nothing wrong with just soak in the vibe without necessarily playing – either together or with anyone else. However, I would strongly suggest that the two of you lay out the ground rules for what you’re both cool with doing well in advance and stick to them. It’s helpful to establish these boundaries before you go for the first time, because it will make it that much easier for you to say “no thanks” or “I’m not into that” or even “maybe later” if anyone comes up.

This also helps ensure a smoother and more enjoyable time for you and your husband, without any unwelcome last-minute surprises to have to deal with. Much as with threesomes, the last thing either of you want is to have the other suddenly try to renegotiate the agreement in the moment. If you change your mind and want to try something… well, better to save that for the next party and enjoy all the antici…

…

…

…pation.

That being said: it can be helpful to build in a certain amount of pre-agreed-to wiggle-room on the off chance that something strikes your fancy. I’ve been at a few parties where someone who thought they were just there to hang out suddenly decided they wanted to be put up on a St. Andrews Cross or try nipple clamps for the first time.

The last thing I would suggest is that if you go, stay sober, especially your first time. Once you have a better handle on what you are or aren’t up for and feel more comfortable at the party, it’ll be easier to relax with a drink. However, don’t go overboard; if you’ve had too much to drink, you also can’t give meaningful consent.

The most important thing though is to remember that you’re both planning on going to this to have fun and help keep the spark going in your connection. Think of this as a fun adventure you’re having with your partner in crime, rather than something that needs to happen a certain way, or that you need to have a particular experience for it to be worth it. If a sex party or play part is not for you, it’s not for you and that’s fine. An experiment that doesn’t work the way you hoped or expected isn’t a failure; it means you and your husband learned something about yourselves. Just trying those new things can help bring some more excitement and new energy into the mix, even if it didn’t play out the way you thought.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was interested on a coworker (26F) but it was hard to communicate with her: if we were alone, she would ignore me and if I started a conversation, she would talk, but in a nonchalant and disinterested way. However, when I was talking with other people, especially other girls, than she would barge into the conversation, flirt, tell a lot of jokes, etc.

I eventually found out that she is seeing/dating someone, so I decided to move on.

To make the process easier, since I see her every day at work, I decided to keep communication to a minimum (only work related) and avoid her. She looked a bit curious/confused about why I stopped contact, but did not make any approach. Everything was fine…

…until we have group talks. Then, she keeps her tendency of barging into my conversations with other people. This is kinda frustrating me, because not only ruins my avoidance strategy but also interferes with my communication with other people.

Why does she do this and what should I do? I don`t want to be impolite to her, but I need my distance.

Crush Recovery Zone

DEAR CRUSH RECOVERY ZONE: I can see how this would be frustrating, CRZ, but it’s hard for me to say what’s going on. After all, I’m not there to watch these and it’s not like I can subpoena all of you and put you under oath while I take your depositions. So even under the best of circumstances, all I’ve got is speculation and conjecture.

Having said that, I think there’re a couple important details that you left out that would make it easier to make an educated guess about what she’s up to.

To start with: when you were talking with her alone and she was acting disinterested, what were you talking about? Is it possible that she was less interested in the topic than you and was staying in the conversation to be polite?

Similarly, how were you behaving with her? If you were being overt (or at least, unsubtle) with your interest, she may have been trying to give you the wave-off without actually drawing attention to the fact that she was doing this. A lot of women will act withdrawn or uninterested in hopes that the guy who’s clearly crushing on them will get the message without them having to say it – especially if the guy hasn’t said anything definitively himself.

For that matter, are you sure she was uninterested or nonchalant but simply not reacting in a way that you’d see as being “interested”? Depending on what you were talking about, she may have had a more restrained reaction simply because it would be less appropriate to be effervescent and cheery than in some of the things you were talking to others about.

In fact, when you were talking with others and she would butt in, was it when you were talking with one person or a group? Does she do this with other people, or only with you?  When you’re talking with others, especially in group conversations, it’s certainly possible that you were talking about topics that she found more interesting or could engage with and actually had something she could sink her teeth into. She might also have felt more secure in participating in a group conversation simply because it meant that you would be less likely to steer things in a flirty or dating direction.

By that same token, who is she directing all this attention towards? Is she flirting with you? Or is she just behaving in a way that you would describe as “flirty” that isn’t necessarily directed at anyone or could be directed at everyone in the conversation? Is it possible that she’s friends with other people in the groups you’re talking to and is just joining the conversations with them that you happen to be having? Or is she actively seeking you out and only does this when you are having these group chats?

And while I’m asking: does she know you had a crush on her and you’re trying to get over it by spending less time with her? Or is this a decision that you made without making a production about it?

These are important, because they provide some much-needed context to both her behavior and yours. What seems inexplicable can make far more sense when context clues are factored into it. Otherwise, it’s just a lot of stabs in the dark and educated guesses.

It’s certainly possible, for example, that she’s the sort of person who likes knowing that someone’s into them, while not ever being interested in actually pursuing something with them. After all, just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy the validation that other people think you’re attractive. If that were the case, she might also be the sort of person who likes keeping that attention going. Reminding you that she’s there and throwing some salt on your game to keep your options narrow would be one way of making sure that you’re going to keep dancing in attendance on her.

It’s not likely, but it’s certainly possible.

It’s also possible that she is behaving as she always has, simply because not much has changed as far as she’s concerned. If the only difference is that you aren’t talking to her one-on-one as frequently as you used to (especially if she’d been giving you the subtle wave-off), then the main reason why this feels impactful to you is because you’re the only person who feels the difference. To her, it’s Tuesday.

Or it could be that she’s unsure why you suddenly stopped talking to her and feels a little hurt but isn’t going to make A Thing about it because who needs the drama? It’s easier to just continue as normal with others, and hope that either things get less uncomfortable or that you get over whatever is bothering you and start talking to her again.

I suspect the issue here is that you’re reading too much into this and you’re taking it personally because your feelings are involved. I don’t think she’s doing this at you, nor do I think she’s trying to keep you on the hook. You feel this sting because it hits directly in the crush you’re trying to let go of, but I highly doubt there’s anything nefarious or even tricksy going on. I’d be willing to bet that this is just her being her and you’re reading more into it than is actually there.

That having been said: if she’s actually being rude or disrupting conversations that you’re trying to have with friends, that’s absolutely something to comment on. There’s nothing wrong with saying “hey, we were in the middle of something” if she’s butting in with no regard.

But as it is? I think you’re making far more assumptions about what she knows and understands you to be doing than is warranted. If you went from making a point of chatting to her to suddenly keeping it strictly business, it’s understandable that she’d be a little confused and possibly hurt.

It doesn’t sound to me like this was a deep or distracting crush and I don’t think you need to avoid her. Just treat her like normal, acknowledge your feelings to yourself without needing to do anything about it and redirect your attention when it flares up. The crush will fade on its own in time, and you can get back to business as usual.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve stumbled upon your blog and account every now and then. I always end up reading at least one of your posts, sometimes more. Never as a subscriber though because some of this stuff gets heavy. Anywho, I realized after reading today’s piece that I too can ask for advice. Like, that is a possibility! So, this is me doing that.��I don’t know how to go about it really but the thing I struggle with is the fact that I feel like a Monster because I am a man. With all the high-profile cases of abuse you see, the casual sexism and misogyny in online spaces from random, to seeing men in my own life just being s--tty to women, I just can’t help but feel that I am a monster because I am a man. And this isn’t me putting the blame on women, that’s not what I feel, nor is it the intent of me expressing what I’m feeling here. This is very much an issue that stems from patriarchy and a mix of other things, at least in my mind. But yeah, I feel like a monster who should never love because doing so can only mean hurt and I have no intention of hurting anyone.��I’m sure that I haven’t been the best man to women as I was growing up and despite me recognizing and acknowledging that, there is no way for me to prove that I’ve grown for this and nor should there be, I simply just have to because I want to and not because it would please others, although I am a people pleaser but that’s a different thing I feel? Maybe not, I don’t know.��What comes with this feeling of being a monster, is this profound feeling of loneliness and shame. I feel very alone because I don’t have companionship, even though in my mind I should never seek it because I would just be a bad partner. There’s a shame that comes from things like self-pleasure, the notion of even imagining what it would be like to feel loved and just existing as a man. I don’t like both these things.��I’m not into the whole manosphere s--t, I think it’s mostly wolves leading sheep in wolves clothing but the harm they do is real and fundamentally impacts our modern-day society in many ways. I’m not like them, at least, I think I’m not. I think what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to be like those dudes.��I go to therapy and talk about this, and I keep getting reassured that I shouldn’t be thinking like this from her but that feeling is rooted so deep, it just doesn’t go. It’s always there, lingering.��But yeah, I don’t know what to do about this feeling of being a monster. Current plan is to isolate myself from feeling love forever and just put on a happy face. Any advice? 

This Man, This Monster

DEAR THIS MAN, THIS MONSTER: Well, it’s been a while since I’ve gotten one of these.

Ok, TM2, I’m going to say this as gently as I can: you have what sounds a LOT like a personality disorder and you need to be talking to a doctor about it. And quite possibly a different one than you’ve been seeing, since you don’t seem to be getting any relief or help from your current therapist. If you haven’t talked to them – or they haven’t talked to you – about the possibility of all of this being a symptom of something like borderline-personality disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder (especially with the intrusive thoughts you’re experiencing), then that should probably be on the top of your to-do list. If there’s a history of trauma with your family that could be influencing this, that could also be a factor that needs to be discussed. You should also talk to them about looking into alternative therapies, since what you’re currently doing clearly isn’t working.

But beyond the fact that you should be talking to your therapist about different approaches and therapies, there’s something else at play here that I think is important.

I’m going to go off on a bit of a tangent but stick with me for a second. Back in the Before Times, the Long Long Ago (aka the 90s), as second-wave feminism was giving way to third-wave feminism, there was a particular trope of the Overly Sensitive Male Feminist. Much like with the weird anti-“woke” strawmen of today, the details would vary somewhat (and somewhat inexplicably would often involve Alan Alda or Phil Donahue – ask your parents, kids), but the overall image was of a man in his 30s or so, weeping and wailing, gnashing his teeth and rending his clothing at the horror of being A Man and all the horrors that being A Man meant that they were responsible for.

Whenever The Overly Sensitive Male Feminist was portrayed, there were always tears and self-recrimination and over-the-top proclamations about how awful they were and how much they wished they weren’t born male and so on and so forth. The idea, of course, was to mock the idea of men who thought that maybe feminism had a point and that striving for a more equitable and just society without artificial, hegemonic strictures based around gender was a good thing were, frankly, performatively whiny little babies who bought into the beliefs of the Straw Feminists that many self-proclaimed defenders of The Natural Order would tilt against.

It was very much a case of cultural backlash, trying to push back against what a lot of people in power saw as an overreach and – as is so often the case – trying to leverage toxic ideas around masculinity in order to shame people into falling in line. The message to men was “the only people who believe this are whinging little beta cucks and you should be ashamed for being even vaguely like them,” and that apologizing or feeling bad for being a man made you weak and pathetic.

Now here’s the thing: this is a case of “being somewhat right, but for the wrong reasons”. Not because Real Men Don’t Cry or Men Who Agree With Feminists are Gender Traitors, but because this is not about being sorry for being a man. If we accept that people like you, TM2 or other cases in the “I respect women so much I avoid them entirely” genre are being honest and legitimate in their sorrow at what their gender has done, then what they’re doing isn’t harm mitigation or trying to make amends; it’s centering their performative sadness in a discussion about the actual issues regarding gender equality and undoing actual harms that institutional sexism, racism, homophobia and transphobia have done. It’s very akin to the dudes who, upon seeing someone complain about what a man or men had done to them, would leap into the conversation to proclaim “#notallmen”. If they weren’t just trying to derail the discussion, they were demanding special cookies and head-pats for Not Being The Worst and acknowledgement that they were One Of The Good Ones.

What they weren’t doing was, y’know: actually trying to make things better.

So, if we take it as given that this isn’t strictly a mental health issue and that this is coming from a place of regret or excess empathy, here is my question for you TM2: what good is any of this doing? How is beating yourself up like a flagellant monk changing the world for the better? How is hiding yourself away like The Beast, declaring that you don’t deserve to feel love helping to push back against the same forces you decry?

If you aren’t causing harm already – and let’s be honest, just existing isn’t causing harm – then this is just maintaining the status quo. Your isolating yourself and making yourself miserable for the sake of being miserable doesn’t manifestly change anything. Simple absence isn’t creating a net-positive, and you don’t even get that sweet-ass Jean Cocteau castle in the bargain.

If, again, we go with the idea that this isn’t a mental health problem, then all of this is really just an abdication of agency at best, a refusal of responsibility at worst. You’re coming to this from the assumption that your existence is inherently harmful – it’s absolutely not, but that’s the belief you seem to be holding – and there’s nothing that can be done about it. That, in and of itself, is basically just an objection mindset. It’s functionally your saying “well, I’ve tried nothing and I’m all out of ideas”, and that ain’t how we roll ’round here.

So let me ask you, TM2: what sins do you think you’ve committed and what atrocities do you think you’re responsible for? You don’t list any and you pepper your description with qualifiers like “I’m sure that” and “I feel that”, which tells me that this is a feels-not-reals sort of situation. For that matter: what are you hoping to gain here? Are you looking for head-pats that you are, in fact, the worst? To inspire a screed from me about how men are evil and you’ve got the right idea?

Or maybe, just maybe, you’re hoping that someone will help you recognize what’s wrong and walk you back from the ledge? 

If that’s the case, then maybe it’s time to stop with the flagellation and start actually thinking about what you’re actually doing.

Now, there’re two things in your letter leapt out at me that I think is important. First, there’s this: “[…] I simply just have to because I want to and not because it would please others, although I am a people pleaser but that’s a different thing I feel?”

Let me stop you right there. No, this isn’t a different thing. People pleasing is the sort of behavior that sounds neutral-to-good – you want to make people happy – but quickly can become malignant. A lot of chronic people pleasers have weak boundaries and a tendency to take on responsibility that isn’t theirs; they feel like they have to because… well, because. Your behavior is emphatically people-pleasing taken to an absurd extreme; you just think that the key to pleasing people is to avoid everyone because that’s the only thing you can do to make people happy.

This, in and of itself, is the sort of thing you should be telling your therapist, not assuming that “nah, this must be some other thing entirely.” It’s a perverse way of trying to prove your value to others, working from the assumption that you’re a black hole of worth, a singularity so dense that no amount of self-compassion, pride or confidence can escape.

But then there’s this: “there is no way for me to prove that I’ve grown for this and nor should there be”. This prompts a whole host of questions; prove what and to whom? You’re already saying that you assume you have committed sins against others, but you don’t bring any up. It seems like a safe bet that you can’t actually name any, which makes it all the weirder. I mean, going by your letter, I’m willing to wager five bucks American that you can’t be more than 25. What unforgivable crimes could you supposedly commit as a child that you seem to be unaware of?

For that matter, who is the judge that you would be pleading before? Other women who didn’t know you back then? What is this impossible-to-prove issue? That you’ve grown and changed past who you were when you were younger? Are you seriously saying that there’s no difference between the person you are now and the person you were in, say, middle-school? What do you think you would need, a signed affidavit from every woman and AFAB non-binary person you ever met? Why would “I don’t act like I did when I was 14” not be an example of having grown or changed? And why shouldn’t there be some way of demonstrating that you’re different from when you were younger?

Obviously, none of this is logical, but we’re not dealing with logic, as us Earth mortals would understand it; we’re dealing with emotional weirdness, and trying to apply logic to it is missing the point. If we took what you say seriously, we’d have to assume that you’re doing an IRL Dark Urge run and you shouldn’t be trusted to breathe free air. Hell, if we took it all as being true and accurate and extended the logic to its natural endpoint, really the only answer would be a Ra’s Al-Ghul-style campaign of extermination, wiping out men like a zealot trying to kill all the other Bhaalspawn before committing ritual self-sacrifice to end the line for good.

But we’re not taking it seriously, because none of that’s true. This is you saying “there’s no such thing as growth, improvement, redemption or making things better, not for me”, rather than making any sort of coherent point. You’re not a monster wearing a fleshsuit or the spawn of a dead god of murder; you’re a guy who’s talking about punching yourself in the face because you think you should be punched for the sin of having a face. And that suggests to me that this is less about other people, and more about just beating yourself up because F--K YOU, THAT’S WHY. And honestly, that’s exhausting for me to read about; I have to imagine it’s even more exhausting for you to live with.

So what do we do about this? I really should get a macro to reply to letters like this automatically, because once again, the first and most obvious answer is: get the f--k off social media. I mean, I’m not exactly shocked, shocked to see all the hints that your FYP roll on TikTok is a toxic stew, and I would bet more cash money that half your social feed are reels of people doing stitch-replies to the grievance-peddling masculinity grifters who think choking on cigars and acting like dicks is a substitute for a personality. Deleting all your social media profiles would probably be the best thing you could do for yourself; at the very least, an algorithmic cleanse, a timeline high-colonic and follow list detox would at least cut down on some of the emotional knives you have available for all the psychic self-harm you’re doing.

The next thing I would suggest is maybe instead of smacking yourself in the face over and over again with a rolled-up photo of Andrea Dworkin, you might want to, y’know, just work on being the kind of man that Mr. Rogers – Steve or Fred, dealer’s choice – you could be. There’re lots of ways to be a man, after all, from Mr. Rogers’ love and acceptance to Bob Ross’ pastoral creativity, gentleness and calm; Steve Rogers’ courage as protector of the weak and helpless to T’challa’s nobility, duty and honor; Steve Irwin’s enthusiasm and environmental stewardship to LeVar Burton encouraging a love of reading and exploration… the list goes on and on.

The same thing would apply to actually understanding issues regarding patriarchy and toxic masculinity. Instead of rending your clothes and pulling your hair about it, maybe start by reading bell hooks’ The Will To Change or watching The Mask You Live In.

Do you want to make the world a better, safer place for women and push back the toxicity of a patriarchal society? Now’s a good time to volunteer with a rape crisis hotline or warmline for LGBTQ people who’re under threat and dealing with the understandable terror of s--theads who’re trying to legislate them out of existence. Sign up to be an escort at a reproductive health facility and be the shield between vulnerable people needing health care and assholes trying to scare them, trick them and roll back their rights. Find the mutual aid organizations in your area and help people connect to networks that serve the most vulnerable. Join the organizations that’re doing the hard work of pushing back against the tidal wave of choleric bulls--t the current administration is trying to generate. Phonebank with others to keep pressure on your elected representatives, including on the state and municipal level and demand that they take a stand for truth, justice, freedom, reasonably priced love and a hard-boiled egg.

I can already hear the objections coming from you so let’s put this to bed right off the bat: none of these actions would be your buying carbon offsets for your supposed sins. If you genuinely feel that your existence is harmful because of your gender, then you shouldn’t be trying to “prove” anything; you should be out there doing the work to make the world a better place, simply because it’s the right thing to do.

But like I said: this really is a disorder that you’re struggling with, and you need to treat it like one. Talk to your therapist about how this current treatment isn’t working and what your options are. Ask about the possibility that you’re dealing with something like OCD or BPD and whether you need to look into getting a formal diagnosis.

That’s going to help far more than throwing your hands up and declaring that you’re an abomination in the eyes of God and Man and there’s nothing to be done about it.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com