QUESTION: Everyone knows that divorce is tough on children. What about parent-child separation that occurs for reasons other than divorce? Is the pain any less intense for kids when a parent has a good reason to be away?

DR. DOBSON: Research confirms that the consequences of any parent-child separation can be severe. In one study of fathers whose jobs required them to be away from their families for long periods of time, the children tended to experience numerous negative reactions, including anger, rejection, depression, low self-esteem, and commonly, a decline in school performance. Those findings have been confirmed in other contexts, as well.

Some of those conclusions were presented at a White House conference at which I spoke a few years ago. The other speaker was Dr. Armand Nicholi, professor of psychiatry at Harvard University. That day, Dr. Nicholi explained how family circumstances that make parents inaccessible to their children produce some of the same effects as divorce itself.

Cross-cultural studies make it clear that parents in the United States spend less time with their children than parents in almost any other nation in the world. For decades, millions of fathers have devoted themselves exclusively to their occupations and activities away from home. More recently, mothers have joined the workforce in huge numbers, rendering themselves exhausted at night and burdened with domestic duties on weekends.

The result: No one is at home to meet the needs of millions of lonely preschoolers and latchkey children. Dr. Nicholi expressed regret that his comments would make many parents feel uncomfortable and guilty. However, he felt obligated to report the facts as he saw them.

Most important (and the point of his address), Dr. Nicholi stressed the undeniable link between the interruption of parent-child relationships and the escalation of psychiatric problems that we were then seeing and that are even more pronounced today. If the numbers of dysfunctional families and absentee parents continued to escalate, he said, serious national health problems were inevitable.

One-half of all hospital beds in the United States at that time were taken up by psychiatric patients. That figure could hit 95 percent if the incidence of divorce, child abuse, child molestation and child neglect continue to soar. In that event, Dr. Nicholi said, we would also see vast increases in teen suicide, already up more than 300 percent in twenty-five years, drug abuse, crimes of violence and problems related to sexual disorientation.

I have reason to understand a measure of the pain spoken of by Dr. Nicholi. I experienced it when I was six years old. My mother and father left me with my aunt for six months while they traveled. That last night together, I sat on my mother's lap while she told me how much she loved me and that she and my father would come back for me as soon as they could. Then they drove away as the sun dropped below the horizon. I sat on the floor in the dark for an unknown period of time, fighting back the tears as depression engulfed me. That sorrowful evening was so intense that its pain can be recalled instantly today, almost seven decades later.

In short, even when parent-child separation occurs for valid reasons in a loving home, a boy or girl frequently interprets parental departure as evidence of rejection. If we have any choice in the matter, we should not put them through that painful experience.

QUESTION: What would your recommendation be to a young wife and mother whose husband is extremely violent and frequently abuses her and their children?

QUESTION: I've always thought a man should be willing to work and sacrifice to reach his goals. I've heard you say cool the passion and postpone the dream. That isn't the way I was taught.

DR. DOBSON: There's nothing wrong with having a passion and a dream. It should, however, be kept in balance with other valuable components of your life -- your family and your relationship with God being chief among them.

Let me illustrate that need to keep the various components of our lives in perspective. I read an article in the Los Angeles Times about a man named J.R. Buffington. His goal in life was to produce lemons of record-breaking size from the tree in his backyard. He came up with a formula to do just that. He fertilized the tree with ashes from the fireplace, some rabbit-goat manure, a few rusty nails and plenty of water. That spring, the scrawny little tree produced two gigantic lemons, one weighing over five pounds. But every other lemon on the tree was shriveled and misshapen. Mr. Buffington is still working on his formula.

Isn't that the way it is in life? Great investments in a particular endeavor tend to rob others of their potential. I'd rather have a tree covered with juicy lemons than a record-breaking but freakish crop, wouldn't you? Balance is the word. It is the key to successful living ... and parenting.

Husbands and wives who fill their lives with never-ending volumes of work are too exhausted to take walks together, to share their deeper feelings, to understand and meet each other's needs. This breathless pace predominates in millions of households, leaving every member of the family frazzled and irritable. Husbands are moonlighting to bring home more money. Wives are on their own busy career track. Their children are often ignored, and life goes speeding by in a deadly routine. Even some grandparents are too busy to keep the grandkids. I see this kind of overcommitment as the quickest route to the destruction of the family. And there simply must be a better way.

Some friends of mine recently sold their house and moved into a smaller and less expensive place just so they could lower their payments and reduce the hours required in the workplace. That kind of downward mobility is almost unheard of today -- it's almost un-American. But when we reach the end of our lives and we look back on the things that mattered most, those precious relationships with people we love will rank at the top of the list.

If friends and family will be a treasure to us then, why not live like we believe it today? That may be the best advice I have ever given anyone -- and the most difficult to implement.

So keep your dream and your passion. Work hard to achieve the success you crave. But don't let it become a five-pound lemon that destroys the rest of your crop. You'll regret it if you do!

QUESTION: What are the most common causes of depression in women?

DR. DOBSON: I asked that question of more than ten thousand women who completed a questionnaire entitled, "Sources of Depression in Women." The most frequently reported concern was low self-esteem. More than 50 percent of an initial test group placed this problem at the top of the list, and 80 percent put it in the top five.

QUESTION: I've heard that ADHD is controversial and that it may not even exist. You obviously disagree and believe that ADHD does exist.

DR. DOBSON: Yes, I disagree, although the disorder has become faddish and tends to be overdiagnosed. But when a child actually has this problem, I assure you that his or her parents and teachers don't have to be convinced.

QUESTION: My marriage to my husband has been a very unsatisfying thing for me. I would divorce him if it were not for my concern for our three children. What does the research say about the impact of divorce on kids?

DR. DOBSON: It's now known that emotional development in children is directly related to the presence of warm, nurturing, sustained and continuous interaction with both parents. Anything that interferes with the vital relationship with either mother or father can have lasting consequences for the child.

One landmark study revealed that 90 percent of children from divorced homes suffered from an acute sense of shock when the separation occurred, including profound grieving and irrational fears. Fifty percent reported feeling rejected and abandoned, and indeed, half of the fathers never came to see their children three years after the divorce. One-third of the boys and girls feared abandonment by the remaining parent, and 66 percent experienced yearning for the absent parent with an intensity that researchers described as overwhelming. Most significant, 37 percent of the children were even more unhappy and dissatisfied five years after the divorce than they had been at 18 months. In other words, time did not heal their wounds.

That's the real meaning of divorce. It is certainly what I think about, with righteous indignation, when I see infidelity and marital deceit portrayed on television as some kind of exciting game for two.

The bottom line is that you are right to consider the welfare of your children in deciding whether or not to seek a divorce. As empty as the marital relationship continues to be for you, it is likely, from what I know of your circumstances, that your kids will fare better if you choose to stick it out.

QUESTION: My children are still in elementary school, and I want to avoid adolescent rebellion in the future if I can. What can you tell me to help me get ready for this scary time?

DR. DOBSON: I can understand why you look toward the adolescent years with some apprehension. This is a tough time to raise kids. Many youngsters sail right through that period with no unusual stresses and problems, but others get caught in a pattern of rebellion that disrupts families and scares their moms and dads to death. I've spent several decades trying to understand that phenomenon and how to prevent it. The encouraging thing is that the most rebellious teens usually grow up to be responsible and stable adults who can't remember why they were so angry in earlier days.

I once devoted a radio program to a panel of formerly rebellious teens that included three successful ministers, Rev. Raul Ries, Pastor Mike MacIntosh, and Rev. Franklin Graham, son of Dr. Billy and Ruth Graham. Each of them had been a difficult adolescent who gave his parents fits. With the exception of Raul, who had been abused at home, the other two couldn't recall what motivated their misbehavior or why they didn't just go along and get along. That is often the way with adolescence. It's like a tornado that drops unexpectedly out of a dark sky, tyrannizes a family, shakes up the community, and then blows on by. Then the sun comes out and spreads its warmth again.