Q: My wife and I have three teenage daughters and I'm dreading the drama that comes with Valentine's Day. They are already talking about not having boyfriends for Valentine's Day. As a father, how do I help them weather all of the focus on romance and boyfriends?

Juli: I think every woman can remember the sting of those teenage years -- the highs of being in love and the lows of feeling unwanted and unloved. Valentine's Day definitely accentuates both the highs and the lows!

I'd encourage you to reclaim Valentine's Day to be about more than sweethearts, but about love instead. Let your daughters know how much you love them with a special dinner, a note or a little gift. They may roll their eyes, but the love you express to them will make deep deposits for them emotionally. In fact, when a dad is involved in his daughter's life, she is less likely to fall into destructive dating relationships.

Also, challenge your daughters to think about how they can show love to others. When I was in high school, the cheerleaders sold carnations for $1 that were delivered in homeroom on Valentine's Day. Popular kids carried around dozens of flowers while other students didn't receive any. My senior year I decided not to mope about how many flowers I had, but to show kindness to other kids. I bought 10 carnations and had them sent anonymously to kids I knew wouldn't receive any. Showing love to other people will boost your daughters' self esteem and lessen the focus on their longing to be loved.

In the midst of this, don't forget to shower your wife with love. Not only will it make her Valentine's Day special, but also it will model for your daughters a love that's worth waiting for!

Q: Our New Year's resolution was to tighten up our family budget, but we've already failed miserably. Honestly, we can't even agree on what a "good budget" is supposed to look like. How can we get our act together?

Jim: At least you realize that living on a budget is important. Prior to the recession, USA Today reported that only one in five people even used a monthly budget. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling found that the number had improved to more than two in five Americans (43 percent) as of last year, but still, 56 percent of us do not use a budget at all, and as a result, many are swimming in debt.

Here are some basic guidelines for allocating your monthly expenses, courtesy of the experts at Crown Financial Ministries. The percentages are for a four-member family with an annual gross income of $130,000 or less. Net Spendable Income (NSI) is money available after charitable giving and taxes:

-- 38 percent of your monthly budget toward housing.

-- 15 percent toward transportation, including the purchase and maintenance of vehicles.

-- 12 percent toward food.

Then, five percent of your NSI should be applied to each of the following categories:

-- Debt relief

-- Insurance (other than medical coverage)

-- Recreation and entertainment

-- Clothing

-- Medical and dental expenses

-- Savings

Now, these are general guidelines, and your own situation may look different. You might spend less than 38 percent on housing but more than 15 percent on transportation. You'll also notice that the categories only add up to 95 percent, which will give you five percent of "wiggle room" as you craft your budget.

The important thing is that you allocate your money wisely in these categories, even if the percentages are slightly different. If you're spending too much in one area, the others will suffer and you'll go over your budget. Crafting a realistic plan and sticking with it is what a healthy budget is all about.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: My son and daughter-in-law say they have no plans to celebrate Valentine's Day because it just doesn't interest them. They've been married less than a year, and I'd think they'd jump at the chance to celebrate a romantic holiday. Should I be worried?

Jim: It depends on what they mean when they say Valentine's Day doesn't "interest" them. I know many deeply religious people who aren't eager to celebrate Christmas, either, because of how materialistic it has become.

The real measure of your son and daughter-in-law's relationship comes in how they treat and relate to each other the other 364 days a year. The same should be true for all of us. There's nothing inherently wrong with cards and chocolates on Valentine's Day. I can think of worse things than having a day set aside to proclaim undying love for your spouse.

But married couples should make an effort to inject that same passion into their relationship on a (BEGIN ITALS)regular(END ITALS) basis. That doesn't mean we have to break out the fine china and have a candlelight dinner every night. But there are countless ways we can and (BEGIN ITALS)should(END ITALS) express our devotion. We can set aside a regular date night, or send a quick e-mail during the day to say, "I love you and I'm thinking about you." I can guarantee that something along those lines will mean more in July or September than it does on Feb. 14!

This is something that my wife, Jean, and I try to bear in mind even when we're running at a frantic pace and trying to catch up with our boys. If your son and his wife are endeavoring to keep the spark alive throughout the year, that's much more important than whether they participate in Valentine's Day.

Q: I dread Valentine's Day. All of the hype about love and romance only reminds me that none of it exists in my marriage. I gave up hoping for a card or flowers years ago. I'm tired of trying to breathe life into a dead marriage, but I don't believe in divorce.

Juli: Marriage can feel like the loneliest place on earth, especially around Valentine's Day. When you're single, you expect to be lonely, but not when you have a ring on your finger.

There are many reasons why love in marriage fades. Serious problems like addiction, abuse, extramarital affairs and mental illness can certainly extinguish feelings of romance. However, most people "fall out of love" for less sinister reasons. The busyness and stress of work, kids and finances cause a couple to drift apart over the years. One day they wake up to find the only thing they have in common is a tube of toothpaste.

If this is where you and your husband find yourselves, don't give up. There are many things you can do to get your marriage back on track, but sitting back and waiting for flowers isn't one of them!

Marriage counseling is an excellent way to improve your communication and resolve conflicts, but you also need to relearn how to have fun together. Tell your husband how much you miss him. When you do this, be sure to make it sound like an invitation, not a complaint. Reminisce about what caused you to fall in love with him in the first place and tell him what still attracts you to him.

Regardless of how busy you are, make time to play together. This might feel awkward at first, but it will become more comfortable with time. Pursue a new hobby like hiking, cooking classes or volunteering. Don't fall for the line that the grass would be greener in another marriage. Every marriage has dry spells. The grass is actually greener where you water it!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: We have a 7-year-old daughter who has started stealing sweets from the kitchen. This is new behavior, and we're at a loss about discipline for her. She's already lost all of her dessert privileges. What else can we do?

Juli: One of the things that may be complicating your response to your daughter's sweet tooth is that there are really two different parenting issues to deal with. The more obvious issue is your concern about your daughter's diet. It's natural for kids to crave sugary snacks. At 7, your daughter doesn't have the self-control or maturity to limit her intake of unhealthy food. I wouldn't overreact to her desire to eat sweets. Food can easily become a control issue, which can become a precursor for disordered eating in the future. Just be sure that you are modeling moderation in your own diet.

The more serious issue involving your daughter's behavior is trust. Sneaking is a form of deception. That's a big deal. Rather than scolding your daughter about the sweets, I would talk seriously with her about trust in your relationship. Explain to her that if she wants something to eat, all she has to do is ask. Even though you may sometimes say "no" when she asks for a doughnut right before dinner, assure her that you will be sensitive to her needs.

Instead of disciplining her behavior with no dessert, which emphasizes the food issue, consider a consequence that has more to do with building trust in your relationship.

Q: Can you suggest some ways I can connect with my daughter? It's one of my goals for the New Year. She has a good relationship with her mom because they're interested in the same "girl stuff." But she's just about to reach the teen years, and I want her to have a strong bond with her dad, too, especially before she starts dating.

Jim: I can't think of a more worthwhile New Year's resolution! Generally speaking, the most effective thing you can do to strengthen ties with your daughter is to make time for her -- in both quality and quantity. According to my friend, Dr. Kevin Leman, the bond fathers develop with their daughters during times of real conversation and connection can pay huge dividends.

This is especially true for girls in the "tween" years. Dr. Leman advises that dads with daughters in this age group (BEGIN ITALS)date(END ITALS) them on a regular basis. Showing your daughter that she's a high priority is essential for many reasons. For one thing, it will help her seek out men who will respect her later in life. Affirming your daughter's femininity and treating her special says to her, "Honey, seek out someone who will treat you right." In other words, if you can demonstrate for your daughter what a true gentleman is like -- someone who honors her, respects her and values her -- she'll be more likely to gravitate toward men like that when she enters the dating world.

On a regular basis, make an effort to take your daughter out to dinner, a movie, a round of miniature golf -- or whatever interests her. I know it's tough, especially when you're likely working full time and you also need to make room on your calendar to date your wife. But it's so important. The investment you make in your daughter now will impact her for the rest of her life.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.