Q: Our daughter just recently started to cut herself. We are in counseling and trying to get help for her. What are your thoughts on why teens want to hurt themselves in this manner?

Juli: Human beings are wired to avoid pain. So it is difficult to understand why your daughter would intentionally cut herself.

Imagine that your daughter's emotional well-being is like a bank account with deposits and withdrawals. Deposits are aspects in your daughter's life that make her feel secure and help her cope. Deposits might include a stable home life, solid friendships, accomplishments, exercise and getting enough sleep. Withdrawals are internal or external stresses like being rejected by a friend, bullying, going through divorce, failing (even perceived failure!), and dramatic changes in daily life.

Teens who injure themselves have an "overdrawn" emotional bank account. Their level of distress is greater than their ability to cope. Cutting is an attempt to control and express overwhelming pain. That pain might be the result of a traumatic event, like a friend's death or being sexually abused. Other sensitive teens can become overwhelmed by the "normal" challenges of adolescence. Cutting can also be triggered by underlying mental illness, such as depression, bipolar disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Helping your daughter through this crisis involves three steps: identifying the source of her distress, minimizing her distress, and giving her healthier ways to cope. Getting her into counseling will help do all three of these things. At home, you can be a source of encouragement and support. You can also model and help her develop healthy coping skills such as exercise, prayer and journaling.

Jim: Advocates of co-sleeping claim that it gives infants a greater sense of security and comfort and eliminates the need for parents to get out of bed for midnight feedings. Nevertheless, most reputable family counselors and child development experts advise against it.

For example, research indicates that babies sleeping with Mom and Dad are at greater risk for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), because adult bedding materials are not safe for sleeping newborns. The Journal of Pediatrics asserts that the risk of suffocation increases 20-fold when babies are placed in adult beds rather than in their own cribs.

There is also plenty of anecdotal evidence to support the theory that, once established, the habit of co-sleeping can be hard to break. It can actually become a commitment of many years if children are reluctant to transition out of their parents' bed.

Finally, there's the issue of marital intimacy. Couples who are looking to resume sexual activity after a pregnancy won't find the "family bed" particularly conducive to their design. One of the best things you can do for your child is maintain a close, healthy marriage.

For these reasons, we agree with pediatricians who maintain that children need to learn to fall asleep by themselves, in their own crib or bed. At the same time, we know that in some cases, it can be helpful to keep a baby in a bassinet next to the parents' bed for the first few months of his or her life. And you can always get the benefits of the family bed experience by snuggling with your child in bed after everyone is awake in the morning. My boys still do this even at 9 and 11, and it's a highlight of the day!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: I worked at the same job for 23 years, and was just recently laid off. It's been so long since I've had to "market" myself, I don't even know where to begin.

Jim: I'm sorry to learn about your unemployment. This is a reality facing more and more Americans.

Greg Pepe and Jim Vigorito, members of the team here at Focus on the Family, have addressed the challenges inherent to a job search. They write: "There's no sugarcoating it -- looking for a job can be one of the most challenging experiences you'll ever endure. It demands mental discipline, emotional resilience and even physical stamina. You'll have days when you are feeling encouraged and hopeful; you'll also have times when you think it's impossible even to get an interview."

But there is hope! For example, Greg and Jim recommend that job seekers ask for feedback about their skills, talents and gifts. You've probably gained unique abilities during your 23 years of employment. Don't be afraid to seek assistance in putting an impressive-looking resume together.

Greg and Jim also suggest doing some active networking. When you were last in the job market, tools such as LinkedIn, Facebook and Monster.com didn't even exist. It might be tough for someone who hasn't kept up with the latest technology, but using these tools to connect with other people in your field can be invaluable.

Other practical suggestions include making yourself open to temporary assignments until a full-time job comes along; becoming as knowledgeable as you can about a potential employer before an interview takes place; and perhaps most importantly, being yourself and maintaining a positive attitude throughout the job search process.

For Greg and Jim's full list of recommendations for job seekers, visit focusonthefamily.com. Best wishes to you in your search!

Juli: Obsessive gaming and computer use is quickly becoming a common marriage-killer. Although it doesn't appear to be as sinister as porn or gambling, it's a legitimate problem.

Guys get pulled into obsessive gaming because it provides an escape from the stress of real life. Like going to a movie or watching TV, gaming in moderation is a fun form of entertainment and temporary escape. However, it becomes an addiction when it's used to "self-medicate" or to tune out of life. Video games provide a virtual reality that is far more exciting than real life. A 120-pound guy who works in tech support during the day can be a conquering super-stud in the virtual world. Where real life seems mundane and depressing, video games provide endless frontiers to explore and "do-overs" when you fail.

I would start with a serious conversation with your husband about your concerns. Don't just nag him when you see him playing or yell at him when he's not helping out with the boys. Set aside a time to talk about it when there are no distractions. Tell him that you care about him, about your kids and about your marriage. Ask him to agree to some parameters to his computer use and to commit to investing more in the family.

If he doesn't agree, you need to involve a third party. Ask him to meet with a counselor or an older couple to help you work through the disagreement. If he won't see someone, you should meet with a counselor to determine how you should respond.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: Valentine's Day was a lot of fun when I was a kid. But that was a more innocent time. I'd like my child to have the same experience, but I don't want to reinforce our culture's misguided ideas about romance. What can I do?

Jim: In December I encouraged parents to diffuse the materialism of Christmas by teaching their kids about the historical St. Nicholas. And I'm pleased to report that history can also be your ally when it comes to Valentine's Day!

According to Catholic Online, the original St. Valentine, Valentinus, lived during the reign of Emperor Claudius II at a time when the Roman army was involved in many bloody and unpopular military campaigns. Claudius was having difficulty recruiting soldiers, and he believed the reason was that men did not want to leave their lovers or families. As a result, he cancelled all marriages and engagements in Rome. Valentinus was a Christian priest who performed secret marriages in defiance of the emperor's decree. As a result, he was apprehended and condemned to death, suffering martyrdom on Feb. 14, around the year 270 (www.catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=159).

While there is certainly something "romantic" about this story, it is not the self-centered, boyfriend- or girlfriend-obsessed brand of romance that we associate with the modern observance of St. Valentine's Day. Valentinus' life exemplified a very different set of values, namely selflessness and sacrifice. And those are character traits that are certainly worth encouraging in your child.

With that in mind, you might also consider a few other activities to help your child maintain a healthy perspective on Valentine's Day. For example, list a few characteristics that distinguish true love from mere infatuation. Place the lists side by side and have your child decide which set of qualities he or she most wants to characterize his or her life. Or, sit down and talk with your child about a romantic movie or TV show. Are the characters demonstrating infatuation or real love? Shallow feelings or genuine intimacy?

With a little guidance and creativity from you, Valentine's Day can be both fun and educational for your kids. Supplementing your discussion with chocolate wouldn't hurt, either!

Q: My mother-in-law is extremely controlling and critical of my parenting. My husband seems oblivious to how much stress she causes me. How should I handle this?

Juli: One reason why "in-law tension" can be so difficult is because it is not primarily your relationship. Anything you do or say will impact your mother-in-law's relationship with your husband, so you probably feel like you are between a rock and a hard place.

I would first encourage you to view this as a marriage issue. You and your husband must decide together how you want to interact with his mother. How often should she come over? What comments will you tolerate? How will you respond if she is critical? Your question implies that you and your husband disagree about how you would answer these questions. Because your husband probably doesn't recognize how controlling and critical his mother is of you, you may need to meet with a third party (such as a counselor or mentor) to talk this through.

I would also encourage you to consider why your mother-in-law acts the way she does. Her controlling and critical behavior is most likely a reaction to her fears and insecurities. Perhaps she views you as a threat to her relationship with her son. Or she may even be reacting to her own parenting failures. Remembering this may help you to respond with empathy rather than anger.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)