Q: My teenage daughter wasn't asked to the prom, and she's devastated. As a father, what can I do to encourage her?

Jim: First of all, try to avoid making a big issue of her disappointment. Prom night is one of the most overhyped experiences of adolescence. Your daughter's friends, the media and the prevailing culture have all told her that she's missing out on the biggest evening of her life, and it probably won't do much good to try to convince her otherwise. But it's just as unhelpful to say or do anything that might foster or prolong her melancholy mood.

That's not to say that you should ignore or make light of her feelings. The emotions she's going through are very real, and they have nothing to do with the intrinsic value of the prom. They're primarily related to her sense of self-worth. So be sensitive. Don't try to apply a quick-fix solution. Give her time to be sad and withdrawn. Back off if you get the impression that she's unwilling to discuss the matter.

When she does come to the point of opening up, take time to listen. Reaffirm her as a person, reinforce the importance of character as opposed to mere popularity and social standing, and remind her that she will have something to offer a fortunate young man when the time is right. And as opportunities arise, help her gain a more realistic view of events like the prom.

On a more practical level, you might consider recommending an alternate activity for the evening. If some of her friends are free, host a movie night. If everybody else is at the prom, propose a "Dad date" at a location of her choosing. If she decides to stay home, encourage her to call a friend far away (and don't worry about the minutes). And whatever you do, take pains to reassure her of your love.

Q: Our 7-year-old is negative all the time. He's the youngest of four boys, and we always try to encourage him and build up his self-esteem. Nothing seems to be enough. How can we help him to be more positive?

Juli: Helping your son become more positive may have less to do with making him feel better about himself and more to do with how he interacts with the rest of the world. The positive–thinking, self-esteem movement has shown, in many cases, to be doing more harm than good for kids. Building a child's self-esteem only through encouragement can feel like blowing up a balloon that has a hole in it. No matter how much air you put in, it will still leak out.

Try getting your son involved in helping and encouraging others through a family mission trip or volunteering at a local nonprofit organization. This will do two things that build genuine self-esteem and self-respect: instill gratitude and show him that he can make a difference.

When your son sees others who have difficulties greater than his own, it will help him realize how much he has to be grateful for. Meeting people who live with much less than he does is far more powerful than words that encourage gratefulness. You can't really complain about having brown eyes when you meet someone who is blind.

Your son will also see that his efforts to help others are a unique contribution to the world. You won't have to persuade him that he is talented or smart. Seeing that he's helped someone less fortunate will be enough to convince him that his life can make a difference.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: I'll be graduating from high school next week, and even though I won't leave for college for several months, my mom is already freaking out. Sometimes I think she's going to have a panic attack. I'm afraid she won't be able to handle it when I finally leave. What should I do?

Jim: Try seeing this situation from your mom's perspective. Remember the anxiety you felt before your first date, or the jitters of standing up before an audience for the first time? Your mom is facing a similar situation right now. Her precious baby is about to leave the nest, and she's not quite sure what to expect. She wants the best for you, but she fears the potential dangers that she suspects may be lying in wait for you out in the world. This brand of protectiveness is entirely healthy and natural for any mom.

At the same time, some parents do have a tendency to overprotect their kids and engage in "helicopter parenting." Your reference to panic attacks may be cause for concern as well. Healthy anxiety is one thing -- it's designed to help us cope with the challenges of life and to perform at a higher level. But an anxiety disorder is an entirely different matter. This happens when normal anxiety grows and mutates to the point where it does the opposite of what it's intended to do. Rather than helping people cope, the anxiety actually prevents them from functioning.

If you think your mom is suffering from more than just a general sense of nervousness at your departure, then respectfully and lovingly suggest that she seek help. There are a number of treatments available for anxiety disorders. A member of Focus on the Family's counseling team will be able to speak with you about this issue and identify a qualified counselor in your area. In the meantime, shower her with lots of love and make sure that these final few months at home are memorable for both of you.

Q: Our 21-year-old son is living with us. He has struggled to find employment and become independent. How do we encourage him to take the necessary steps to find a job, a place to live and his own way in life without making him feel unloved or unwanted?

Juli: To address this issue with your son, you must begin by asking the question, "What does it mean to love him?" Although it might seem unloving to push your son out of the comfort of your home, it is actually a very loving thing to do.

Your son, like many young adults in our society, is stuck in a delayed adolescence instead of launching into adult responsibilities. It is unloving to be part of keeping him stuck.

Here's a suggested plan of action. Give your son a reasonable date by which you expect him to be out of the house. Explain to him that he is always welcome to visit, but that he is a man now and needs to become responsible for himself. Offer to help him plan financially, strategize to find a job and other necessary steps toward independence.

Be firm on the date that you set! Your natural tendency may be to show grace if the date comes and goes and your son is still stuck. You are doing him no favors by shielding him from responsibility.

One option for your son to consider is joining the military. The armed forces are wonderful for providing direction, self-confidence and maturity for young men and women who are struggling to find their way out of adolescence.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: My 11-year-old daughter is constantly talking back, is disrespectful, and has to be reminded all the time of basic daily responsibilities. How can I help her be more responsible and accountable for her actions?

Juli: It's normal for an 11-year-old girl to be pushing the boundaries like your daughter is. Unfortunately, it's also common for parents not to do anything about it. So thank you for asking the question!

As the parent of an 11-year-old, you hold all the cards. Your daughter lives under your care, watches your TV, and talks on a phone that you're paying for. You probably also pay for and drive her to extracurricular activities and social events. You need to use these basic privileges as leverage to teach her responsibility and respect.

Many parents of teens get into power struggles by saying, "Don't you dare talk to me like that." Teens and preteens know how to push buttons! Instead of reacting emotionally, use the privileges mentioned above as the currency to teach life lessons your daughter needs to learn. You want her to display responsibility. She wants freedom and privileges. Make it clear that freedom is always tied to maturity.

Instead of getting angry when she doesn't do her chores, just let her know that you won't be driving her to volleyball practice as a consequence. When she does her jobs, you are happy to go the extra mile to provide fun things for her to do.

I recommend two books that do an excellent job of spelling these principles out: "Have a New Teenager by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Lehman and "Parenting Teens With Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay.

Jim: Focus on the Family has done a lot of the work for you by assembling a list of licensed marriage and family therapists that have been thoroughly vetted by our own counseling team. For more information, visit www.focusonthefamily.com.

However, if you want to research the matter yourself, here are some guidelines:

1) The counselor should be a good "match" for you and your spouse in terms of personality, temperament and beliefs. (Note: The counselors on Focus on the Family's referral list all embrace a Judeo-Christian perspective on marriage and family.)

2) Find a skilled professional -- not one of your buddies. You wouldn't call on your best friend to treat your cancer, no matter how caring and sincere he might be.

3) Go to a specialist. As in the medical profession, in counseling there are some practitioners who are "generalists." They may have experience working with common issues, but little competency in your particular area of need.

4) Avoid choosing a counselor who simply focuses on "fixing" your spouse's behavior. Rarely can the blame for a dysfunctional marriage be laid entirely at the feet of one spouse. Counseling must be undertaken with a willingness on the part of both partners to take an honest look at their issues.

5) Beware of counselors who automatically assume that long-term treatment is necessary. They may try to string you along for months or even years in order to hang on to your "business." It's true that therapy must be thorough and comprehensive, but that doesn't always mean years of counseling.

6) Don't select a counselor on the basis of fees. You wouldn't go bargain shopping for a brain surgeon, and cost shouldn't be a primary consideration when your marriage hangs in the balance.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)