Say This, Not That

Dear Ilana and Jess: I have a pretty specific problem. My friend and I recently went out for lunch, and at the end of the meal, she realized she didn’t have her wallet. I offered to foot the bill, with the understanding that she’d Venmo me back later. (Yes, we discussed and agreed to this.) That was over a week ago, and she hasn’t responded to any of my texts since. What do I do now? - Audrey

Dear Audrey: When money changes hands (or bank accounts via electronic transmission), things can get a little awkward. Apps like Venmo spare us the impracticalities of splitting a bill with multiple credit cards, but they don’t cut any social costs. For future, we suggest asking that your friend Venmo you then and there, before you give your card to pay the bill. When the check comes, look at it together, decide how to split it, and ask her to Venmo you before you part ways.

For now, there’s a few things you can do. First, stay on top of this, and address it as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the more awkward it gets, and the more strain it can place on your friendship. When you text your friend, are you reminding her to reimburse you? If not, then you should.

Be kind, but direct and assertive. Make sure when you’re asking for reimbursement, you’re specific about the amount owed. That way, no one can claim confusion. Venmo allows you to send a virtual request for money. If you haven’t done so already, you might want to send your friend a nudge through the app.

While we’re sure you’re feeling frustrated, don’t jump to conclusions. Your friend might have forgotten, or she may be tight on money. Keep in mind that everyone’s financial circumstances are different, and that some people don’t feel comfortable discussing money, even with close friends. Encourage your friend to be honest with you, and see if you can both agree on a date that she can pay you back by, if she can’t do so right away. If you prefer, make things “even” by letting your friend treat you the next time you grab a meal. Find an opportunity for her to cover a cost of equal value in the near future and let her know she can get you next time.

Whether you prefer direct reimbursement or trading off on treating each other, it’s important that you both feel equal and respected in your relationship. While it can be awkward to address money, it’s worse for the friendship if you let this issue go unaddressed. Make sure that you clear the air and come up with a solution you’re both comfortable with.

Say This: “Hey! I haven’t heard from you since I asked you to Venmo me. I hope you’re not feeling uncomfortable. If you can’t pay me back right away, I understand, we’ll just set a date for you to pay me back/you can get me next time.”

Not That: “Are you avoiding me? Don’t worry about paying me back.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: Valentine’s Day is around the corner and I’m ready to admit defeat. My wife and I have only been married for 5 years, but we’re fresh out of romantic ideas. How do I keep things loving and exciting, when there’s really nothing new to learn about each other? -Jeremy

Dear Jeremy: With all due respect, you’ve got that wrong. No matter how well you know a person, it’s impossible to know everything about them. We’re all dynamic; constantly evolving with the chaos and change of life. Successful marriages require both partners to pursue and study each other through the years. As you’re experiencing, most often it’s not neglect or disinterest that sidelines a marriage. The daily humdrum displaces the enthusiasm we begin with, and it can starve us for passion, if we let it. On any given weekday, there are checklists and obligations that consume our time. When we’re caught up in minutia, it’s easy to lose the forest in the trees.

With that said, there are many, simple things you can do to keep romance alive. Not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day.

Look each other in the eyes. This may seem like a given - until you find yourself at the dinner table, responding to your fourteenth consecutive email. Sometimes, we’re so consumed by work and screens that we don’t realize we’re ignoring one another. While the effects of this distraction aren’t always felt in the moment, they accumulate. When we’re distracted, it may be impersonal. But our partners may still receive it as dismissal and rejection. Be selective with your attention and look your wife in the eyes when she speaks with you. (Of course, she needs to do the same for you). If you find yourself inevitably distracted, acknowledge it. Tell your wife, “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to ignore you. I just got an urgent email and I’ll feel stressed if I don’t get back to them right away.”

Take a break from talking about logistics. When all of your interactions are information exchange, communication becomes boring and routine. Your spouse is your co-captain, but that is not their sum total. When you’re done addressing the humdrum, ask your wife what brought her joy today. Ask her for her most unpopular opinion. Then let her ask you. (Hint: This is a good Valentine’s Day dinner exercise).

Learn and serve together. The same brain chemistry at play in the early stages of romance can be reinvigorated by new experiences. Many couples reach a romantic stalemate when they think to themselves, “we know everything about each other.” So, turn your mutual (or individual) interests outward and learn something new. Find a cooking class, learn a new sport or language together, or, teach your wife how to do something you’re already good at and let her teach you something she enjoys. Dare to have some fun!

Happy Valentine’s Day, All!

Say This: “If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be and why?”

Not That: “What do you want to do for dinner tonight?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I’m not a parent, but I am a college senior. I’ve done well over the last four years and expect to graduate cum laude in May. I want to start thinking seriously about my job prospects now. (I’m afraid that I’m probably already a little behind). Where should I be looking and how can I get hired ASAP after graduation? - Nora

Dear Nora: First, kudos and advanced congratulations. We love to hear from young adults (parents or not). Your instincts are correct: Now is the time to get serious about the job search. The best time to prepare for a career is well before you have one. More than just finding a job, you should be focused on landing a position that is relevant, interesting, and holds potential to become a career launchpad. Right now, this means using the job search to build habits and skills that will be necessary in your professional life.

First, know what you don’t know. When you can’t figure out how to begin, making a list of what you need to begin is a good way to start. For example, let’s say you don’t know how to find jobs in your area of choice. What you need, then, is more information about how to locate jobs in your field. Once you know what it is you need, you can take steps to get it. Following this example, you might schedule a meeting with the career center, visit your department chair during office hours, and/or speak with your advisor. Go through each item on your “needs list” until you have whatever’s necessary to take your next steps. Then repeat the process as needed. (No pun intended).

Treat the job search like its own part-time job. What do we mean by that? Simply put, approach it with the same vigor, consistency, and time commitment you would an actual job. Designate specific and routine days and times to job-search-related tasks. Be specific about the steps you’re taking, as well as your daily and weekly goals. For example, you might develop the goal of applying to four jobs in your field, per week. Keep in mind that you should apply this disciplined approach to any official or unofficial project that needs to get done. Just because something isn’t urgent - i.e. getting a job NOW - doesn’t mean it isn’t important. You’ll never have an infinite amount of time.

Get a LinkedIn account (if you don’t have one already). This is a simple step that can help you gain greater exposure and build some connections. The basic account is free and serves as an easy platform for finding employers/recruiters; and for them to find you. Make sure your account is professional and includes your most impressive, recent, and relevant experiences. It’s always best to include a professional photo of yourself, too. Sites like LinkedIn and Indeed can also be used to help you identify industry terms and buzzwords that will streamline your Google searches.

Use your connections. We’ve talked about this before, but it bears repeating: One of the best tools you can use in your job search is your existing network. Reach out to everyone you know and ask if they know anyone who works in your field or a related field. Don’t exclude people like friends and family, regardless of their profession(s). You never know who knows somebody that knows somebody. Plus, the closer the loved one, the more likely they are to think of you, and the more motivated they might be to help. We wish you the best of luck!

Say This: “I’ve got time every Monday and Wednesday afternoon to devote to the job search. For this week, I’m going to make a list of what I need to move forward, including information. Then I’m going to update my LinkedIn and reach out to at least 5 people who might be able to help me along.”

Not That: “I don’t even know where to begin.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION