Say This, Not That

Dear Ilana and Jess: Well, it’s time for Christmas shopping. My kids, both eleven, want to help shop for family members this year. The process is disorganized as it is. How can my husband and I make it better while incorporating the kids? — Louise

Dear Louise: There are lots of ways to organize Christmas shopping; the key is finding a setup that works best for you. Assigning each family member another to shop for can be a simple (and familiar) way to streamline the process. It will also allow you to cut costs. Another simple way to organize shopping is to have each family member write down their wish list. Set a budget and have everyone add gifts that are within range.

Now is the perfect time to teach your kids how to save their money. To make shopping more doable for them, you might ask that they each buy a gift for one parent, or pool their allowance together for a gift that can be enjoyed by the family. If the kids don’t have an allowance, you might have them do some chores around the house to earn their Christmas funds. It’s a great way to empower the kids to work toward an end goal and make their own contribution. If they want to participate in the shopping, let them run with it!

Finally, remember that any good plan begins with preparation. Before anyone starts to shop, sit down as a family to make it clear who will be responsible for what. Post a checklist in a communal area of the home and have everyone keep track of the steps they’ve fulfilled. If you have a lot of people to shop for, you might also consider creating a spreadsheet to track purchases and expenses.

Say This: (To the kids) “We’re so glad that you want to help out this year! Let’s talk about how this is going to work. First, create a wish list for yourselves; we’ll do the same.”

Not That: “We’ve got a lot going on during Christmas shopping. There’s really nothing for you two to do.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I have two young adult children: One is 22 and the other is 24. Both are considering having Thanksgiving with their significant others’ families. This would be the first year apart for us. How do we navigate this? — Ray

Dear Ray: Your family is approaching a major developmental milestone and it’s certainly bittersweet. As hard as it may be to let the “kids” go, so-to-speak, keep in mind that they’re doing what you’ve prepared them to: launch their own lives. Just as your family has established traditions through the years, your adult children are starting their own.

In order to be a part of the conversation about the holidays, you might want to start it. In the process, encourage your kids to enjoy this new chapter while honoring their commitment to your own family. Discuss how the holidays will be divided between families and be sure to keep an open mind. Flexibility goes a long way, here. For example, let’s say your family does a Christmas tree hunt the day after Thanksgiving. The kids may spend Thanksgiving with their significant others, then return to find a Christmas tree with you. Throughout the conversation, make sure you’re not placing unwavering demands. Share your expectations, while allowing the kids to create their own.

Say This: “We’re happy you’re happy and we want to make this as smooth as possible. Let’s talk about how we’re going to divide the holidays between families. We’ll tell you what our hopes are and we’d like to hear yours.”

Not That: “I can’t believe you’re not going to spend Thanksgiving with your family.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: Our family is going away for the first time this Thanksgiving. Normally, we have it at the house, but we thought we would try something different this year. The kids have had mixed emotions about it and we’re not sure how it’s going to go. How can we make this trip successful? — Roxanne

Dear Roxanne: A lot of factors make for a successful trip, but keep in mind that you can’t control everything. Since this is a first attempt, consider it experimental. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be good.

Because holidays are centered on tradition, you’ll probably want to preserve your own, despite the change in location. If you can, have the same Thanksgiving meal (the kids may have a harder time adjusting if that changes). Either way, you should also maintain some of the same holiday rituals. For example, if at home you decorate for the rest of the holiday season on or after Thanksgiving, bring a little bit of decor to your hotel. You might find a special ornament to commemorate the year you went to ______.

Prime your kids to keep an open mind by using hopeful language. For example, if the kids complain or dismiss the plans, teach them how to think differently: “Since we haven’t done this before, we want to give it a real try and be open to new experiences. Instead of saying, ‘I’m not going to like it,’ I want you to say; ‘I’m not sure if I’ll like it, but I won’t know until I try’”

Finally, lay out the basic expectations and plans before you go. If the kids know what’s likely to happen, there’s less room for disappointment. Making it clear in advance what will and will not occur will help them adjust to the changes.

Say This: “Since we haven’t done this before, we want to give it a real try and be open to new experiences. Instead of saying, ‘I’m not going to like it,’ I want you to say; ‘I’m not sure if I’ll like it, but I won’t know until I try’”

Not That: “You should just appreciate the fact that we get to go on a trip!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION