DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a problem I don’t think I’ve seen anyone tackle before and I hope you can help me.

I’ll start out by being real with you: I’m pretty conventionally attractive. I’m not bragging about this, I’m only saying it because I think it’s relevant to my problem.

I’m a grad student and there’s a guy in my program who I think is pretty damn hot. He’s funny, he’s smart, he’s a hard worker, he’s got hands that make me think very spicy thoughts when I’m supposed to be teaching or grading papers. He’s also fat. He’s not chunky, hefty or husky, he’s fat. That’s not the problem at all – I’m into him at least partially because of it, not despite it.

I’m not someone who wastes time when I see something I want. If I’m attracted to you, I’m going to let you know in a respectful way. If I want to date you, I’m not going to wait, I’m going to say something first. So I want him, and I said so. I waited around after he wrapped up the class he was TAing for and said that I wanted to take him out on a date. I was clear that I wanted a date (I remember you mentioning this was important), proposed going out to a cute wine bar I know about, having a drink or two and seeing where things went, if he was interested.

I’d hoped he’d say yes and off we’d go. Instead he just looked at me for a moment, turned around and walked off without saying anything. Doctor, that’s not normal for what our vibe used to be. Most of the time, when we talk, it’s very chatty. We joke, we banter, we tease. I’d even go so far as to say that we were flirting. Everything’s been tense and awkward since then and I’m worried that his walking away like that is because he thinks I was making fun of him.

I know he’s had issues with feeling attractive and dating because of his weight, and I think he’s afraid I’m just another person who’s taking the opportunity to tease the fatty, when what I WANT is to ride that boy like a pony. Maybe he thinks that someone who’s more like society’s ideal couldn’t be into someone like him? Maybe he thinks my being friendly to him was a long set up for a mean practical joke? I guess he could just not be into me, too but I would expect at least a rejection if that was it.

Doctor, is it likely that I’m right and he thinks I’m making fun of him? If so, how do I convince him that I’m absolutely sincere about being into him because I think he’s got a hot body, not despite his body?

Dad Bod More Like Father Figure

DEAR DAD BOD MORE LIKE FATHER FIGURE: The problem with trying to decode someone’s reaction at a distance – say, days after and entirely second hand via a letter – is that there’s an almost infinite number of possibilities to why they may have shut things down. ��Maybe you’re not his type. Or you might not be his preferred gender or sexuality. He might have blue-screened at the thought that you were into him and he basically walked off on automatic because there were no thoughts, just modem noises. Or he was having a s--tty day and somehow your asking him on a date was just the final thing that just made him “Nope” his way out of the building and back home.

But if I’m being honest – and based on a time when a girl in high-school did something similar to me and I reacted much like your crush did – I’m going to guess that he didn’t believe you.  

Here’s the thing: if you’re someone who’s been taught, explicitly and implicitly by people you’ve crushed on, by society in general, even by just good old fashioned pop culture, to believe that you’re not desirable or dateable, folks showing interest often feels like a trap. It goes so counter to what you have been trained to expect, that you can’t help but see the possibility of danger, even when no danger actually exists.

If you’ve been pranked by people showing interest because they thought it would be funny to make you think you had a chance (and I’m speaking from experience here), it’s entirely possible – likely, even – that someone showing you genuine interest is going to still ring false to you. And believe me, it was bad enough before the ubiquity of everyone having video cameras in their pocket and it didn’t follow you everywhere you went. If you came up in the era of smartphones and social media, there’s a good chance that your being excited about a date is about to make you LOLCow fodder online somewhere. Or worse, the possibility of it going viral means that you would never be able to escape it. So, better to gray rock it, give no reaction and just refuse to give them anything that could be used for content fodder. The only way to win, after all, is not to play.

Of course, this sort of trained defensiveness is precisely the sort of thing that makes it hard to believe that someone’s being sincere. It even causes a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy; the target’s reaction reads (somewhat correctly) as rejection, so the person doing the asking likely wouldn’t try again… which would then just confirm to the target that this was all just a cruel prank.

So. Odds are good that your crush has had people, especially people who he’d been taught to believe are “out of his league”, would not be interested in him romantically. Because of that, that any signs of interest is suspect at best and an active deceit at worst. Small wonder that he just walked off.

I think, at the very least, you should make an effort to reach out, in person, to your prospective beaux and tell him that you’re worried you offended and upset him and you want to apologize if you had. But when you do come to apologize, make it clear that you’re apologizing for possibly upsetting him because you genuinely like him and you’re worried that you’ve hurt his feelings or damaged the friendship. You can even say “my offer still stands, I absolutely want to take you out on a date, but I am completely cool with things if you’re not interested. I just wanted to make sure to apologize if said something wrong or offended you.”

What I wouldn’t do is bring up the idea that you’re worried that he rejected you because he thinks you couldn’t like a fat guy or that you were pranking him. While I think that’s the likely reason – it certainly seems in keeping with his behavior – it may not be the case. And honestly, whether it is or it isn’t, I don’t think any good would be served by bringing it up. Either you risk planting the idea if it weren’t there before, or else it can end up feeling like some sort of weird double-backflip-reverse-twist way of extending the prank and make it worse. And either way, you don’t really want to put a spotlight on something he may well be self-conscious about in the first place. After all, it’s not as though the world is going to let him somehow forget that he’s fat.

I’d also let him be the one to initiate any “let’s talk out the awkward” moments, incidentally. You don’t want to start trying to unpack feelings he doesn’t have or tell him how he feels about something. If it is about his weight, he can be the one to bring it up. If it’s not… well, same story. Extend the olive branch and opportunity to talk if he wants, but let him be the one to set the time, place and terms.

If he does want to talk it out, and it turns out he has a hard time believing that you could be into him because of his body (rather than despite it), then tell him what you’ve told me; tell him you like that he’s funny and smart, tell him about his hands and that you think he’s sexy. You can bring up his weight, but I’d phrase it more along the lines of “you look like how hugs feel” – things that make it clear that yes you like his mind but you want him for his ass. It’s easier to tell someone you’re into their body when you’re making it about them as a holistic person ��– body included – rather than just a piece of meat. It’s great when people want you for the things that make you stand out or make you unique, but it can feel dehumanizing if that feels like the only thing you care about.

Ultimately, the way to convince him that you’re sincere – assuming that he’s interested in you, too – would be to act sincere. Deeds, not words is the rule here. After you apologize, continue to behave normally with him. If you were flirty before, when things were cool, you can try being flirty again. You may want to take it slow and give a few light pings before you get back to where you were to make sure he’s still cool with it. If you were hanging out in groups with the other grad students after classes or office hours, keep doing so. But once you’ve made your peace and made it clear that you’re still interested in a date if he is, the ball’s in his court. It’ll be up to him to take you up on it or not.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m currently in a situationship and facing a dilemma I never thought I’d have to face: she’s giving signs that she wants this to evolve into a relationship, and I can’t make up my mind about it. I was simply looking for someone that didn’t reject me.

For some context, I’ve had a pretty terrible dating experience through most of my life. My first success ever came at the late age of 26, 4 years ago, when I met my ex-girlfriend. I was merely looking for someone that didn’t reject me, and it ended badly. I have never even once rejected or dumped a girl, it’s ALWAYS been the other way around. My ex dumped me, as well as the sparse hookups I’ve had since then, that all ended when they vanished.

So now I come to face this dilemma and I have a thousand questions going through my head as I feel as inexperienced as a teenager. Do I even love her that way? I haven’t felt NRE when meeting her, but is that something I should take into account? We have a good time together in person, but texting hasn’t been very exciting, does that even matter or not? She is cute but overweight, should I believe that she’ll lose weight or should I not count on that? We share tastes in nerdy stuff but not at all in music, can that work out anyways? We share some political beliefs but she doesn’t nearly care about it as much as I do, is that okay? She’s not accomplished much in life and works at a dead-end job that she hates, but should I even care about that or not?

And then, even the fact that I have those questions lead to me to even more questions. Do I even want to date someone or am I looking for casual hookups? Are my standards way too high? If I decide to let her go, does that not mean I’m just looking for the next best thing? Or am I supposed to have certain standards and not backing down? Am I being an asshole for thinking that way?

Thank you.�Where Do We Go From Here?

DEAR WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE: Ooof.

Setting aside my general dislike of the term “situationship”,  WDWGFH, I’m going to be blunt: you made a mistake by setting your standard to “I want someone who isn’t going to reject me”. Honestly, the fact that it bit you in the ass the first time should’ve been a tell that maybe you should aim just a little higher. But unfortunately, you didn’t, and now here you are.

First, I’m going to skip to the end: break up with her. You don’t want to be in a more serious relationship with her. You already know this. If you’re having to think about it, you’ve already got the answer. Especially with the hemming and hawing you’re doing in your letter. This isn’t a question of “do I love her, do I think this relationship has what it takes to go the distance, do we have enough in common that I would want to mix my DNA with hers…”, it’s you wrestling with being in a relationship with someone you’re not into vs. the fear of being alone.

Well, I can tell you from personal experience: it’s far better to be single and alone than to be in a relationship with the wrong person. And you’ve made it abundantly clear that this is the wrong person.

Most of the stuff you’re focused on – different tastes in music, different levels of passion when it comes to politics – those aren’t big deals. You and any theoretical partner don’t need to line up exactly in your interests or how intensely you feel about them; what matters is that you can respect and appreciate the interests you don’t share, while enjoying the ones you do. It’s more important that you’re on the same page when it comes to core values – what you prioritize in life, what you feel is important morally and spiritually and socially, and so on. If you’re a staunch libertarian who believes in laissez-faire capitalism and she’s a devoted progressive who believes in the state’s responsibility to protect and guard the least among us… that’s going to be a problem. Your liking Amon Amarth while she’s into Jason Mraz is much less of one (at least until you end up fighting about who gets to control the AUX cable on a road trip).

But when you weren’t excited about her during the honeymoon period of the relationship and your attraction to her is conditional based on whether she loses weight in the future? When you’re comparing accomplishments or weighing her job in your questions about whether you want to stay with her? Yeah, those are pretty solid indications that this is about justifying staying with someone because you find being alone to be worse.

And, quite frankly, this is unfair to her. She’s clearly in this relationship in good faith and wants something that you’re not prepared or apparently able to give her. Staying in this and keeping her on the hook simply because the alternative is having to be single again is just cruel. If you actually care for her, then you really should be setting her free in order to find someone who can give her what she wants and who will care for her the way she deserves. Right now, you’re just wasting time – hers and yours.

What I’m finding somewhat… let’s be charitable and say “confounding”, is the question of whether you think your standards are too high when the standard you chose to make your sole priority was “won’t reject me”. If you’ve been a reader of mine for any time, I’m sure you’ve seen me talk about the peril of trying to find someone to fill the hole in your life marked “girlfriend”. Well… this is why. You end up with a relationship that isn’t meeting your needs, isn’t making you happy and is ultimately not great for you or the person you’re dating.

While yes, in general you should try to figure out what you want from dating… honestly, I don’t think you’re really at a place where that should be what you’re focusing on. I think what you really need, more than anything else is to focus on your relationship to yourself. The thing about having standards is that they say a lot about how you feel about yourself. And right now… you don’t seem to feel like you have the right to have standards.

While passion ebbs and flows over time in every relationship, everyone does have the right to seek out a relationship with someone they’re actually attracted to. If you’re an allosexual person, then that’s going to be something that folks are going to expect to have come standard. You, on the other hand, set yourself up so that the people you date are the ones where you or she say “enh, you’ll do”, and then you wonder why those relationships don’t work.

If you don’t feel like you’re someone who can pursue a relationship with people you’re actually attracted to, then you need to be working on your self-esteem and your own beliefs about yourself before you worry too much about dating. It doesn’t do you – or your dates, for that matter – any good to keep going for people who you feel lukewarm about at best. And while yes, this would mean that you’re going to be single for a while – especially while you’re working on yourself – it’s still a better use of your time and energy, and it’s far kinder to the people you might be dating otherwise.

So my recommendation right now is that you should be focusing on yourself. You want to do things that help you believe – not think, not pretend, believe – that you have more options than “you’ll do”. Finding things that make you feel like you matter is going to be important; possibly even more than the things that make you feel like a sexy bad-ass. Feeling like you make a positive difference in the world, that you’re part of something bigger than yourself… these are all important parts of improving your self-esteem and being proud of who you are.

Now, when the day comes that you are ready to start dating again, do yourself a favor: focus on meeting someone you’re excited to date. You don’t want to date someone for their “potential” if they make all kinds of changes, you want to date someone who you like in the here and now. Apply the “f--k yes/f--k no” test; if they’re not a “f--k yes, I want to date them”, then they’re a “no”.

But for now? Let this woman go. She deserves better than what she’s currently getting. And so do you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DOCTOR’S NOTE: Today’s column involves the discussion of sexual assault and description of various acts. Reader discretion is advised.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am reaching out because I am having trouble comprehending whether I was assaulted, or if am a cheater. After visiting a bar and having a few drinks on an empty stomach, I decided to get a ride from my friend. When he was taking me home, mid-way before getting to my house. He asked if I would be down to go to the hot tub (it’s a public place we sneak into) obviously since I was already buzzed. I said yes enthusiastically. I was supposed to Facetime my long distance boyfriend that night too but I completely ignored that and still went out. Didn’t give him a heads up because then he would get mad.

He (my friend) then asked if I wanted more drinks and I said yes. I felt comfortable drinking around him b/c he’s a trusted friend and knows I’m in a relationship. Then we get to the hot tub and drink more. At this point, I am already out of it. So he asked let’s go skinny dipping. I said why not. Which I did, I just covered myself with my hands and jumped in. He then tries to make a move and I quickly push him off and say “woah” and he goes “ oh” and moves back right next to me in the hot tub. I told him “no, please go all the way to the other side of the hub tub pls and stay there” He then apologizes and says sorry I didn’t know u felt that way. I then said it’s okay just don’t do that again.

We drank some more, I don’t remember exactly what he said after but he came back next to me in the hot tub again. At this point, I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t paying attention. He then told me “are u thinking what I’m thinking?” I told him no. Then he confessed he liked me and I told him “I don’t like u.” Meanwhile when I said that he went in for a kiss but I didn’t notice it until the morning of. He never touched my lips as I was talking. I told him to stop because I care about my boyfriend and he then said “F--k him. You’re going to break up with him anyways” and I later said stop I care about my friend (this was his ex) and he said f--k her, she’s already f--king other dudes. He kept grabbing me and tucking at me until he got me on his lap, where he penetrated me and I just sat there smiling and looking away. I said stop again and he finally did and said fine you want to go to the house then. He never said MY house so I said yes! Thinking I’m going home. I was so happy, I was smiling. Happy it was over.

I don’t remember walking to his car or the car drive there, I was just saying why would you do that, pls don’t tell anyone. He told me “I won’t say anything, I’m not trying to ruin your life.” Finally the car stopped and I got out so fast, and was looking down watching my steps. Until I heard the car door behind me and him following me. I looked up and noticed it wasn’t my house. I told him “This is isn’t my house”. He goes no it’s okay come in, no one’s home. (He was also drunk so I don’t know if he heard me.) I told him no someone’s going to see, is my friend here( he lives with roommates). Like I knew what was going to happen but at that point, I felt like an out of experience.

I didn’t feel like, I went in the house. I remember feeling stuck and wanting to run upstairs to my friends room. Instead I followed, I did what he said. I took off my clothes and laid down. I told myself if I don’t touch him or kiss him, it’s not like it happened. So I just laid there, I felt really out of it. I then remember passing out and waking up, looking at my bare naked body and seeing him. I said my boyfriend’s name and no response. I told him to stop 3x which he didn’t. I kicked him off of me and he kept back trying again. I rolled my body over and cried. I had a whole panic attack in that room. He told me I wanted it, I’m just crying because I regret it. Manipulated me while drunk and I believed it. He finally drove me back to my house because I was hysterically crying.

This is the part where it gets weird. I remember going numb and saying a whole bunch of weird things. He still kept saying it’s okay making me think it’s okay. I asked him if he wanted to finish (I don’t know if it was about the talking or the other part) he said yes and pulled over really fast in front of someone’s driveway. I told him why in someone’s driveway so he moved. He then told me to get in the backseat. I said no ( I felt stuck) and I told him I’m staying here.

I don’t remember him getting on top of me but he was at this point. Apparently I took my shorts off and laid there, I remembering feeling numb but feeling so far away from home even though I was there. I snapped out of once he penetrated me and started hurting me. I told him to stop again and he didn’t until I pushed him with my hands. He took me home and I acted like I was okay. I woke up in the morning wishing it was a dream until I woke up and saw a Snapchat from him saying he had fun. I didn’t cry, I texted back telling him please don’t tell anyone. I then went in the shower and started crying my eyes out when I was looking at myself naked. It was so gross the idea that I let him.

I then messaged him later that night and told him he took advantage of me, and asked why he didn’t listen to my no’s. Anyways I confessed to my boyfriend everything and he told me it was consensual and told me I was a disgusting human being. He told me it’s all my fault. I cried even more after that.

Is this my fault? I don’t know how to feel.

Devastated

DEAR DEVASTATED: Before we get to anything else, let me cut straight to the heart of the matter: yes, this was unquestionably sexual assault. No, you’re not a cheater. Your boyfriend is being incredibly s--tty. Your “friend” raped you. You didn’t consent to anything that happened, and, in point of fact, you couldn’t consent to it. You were legally and effectively incapable of giving consent at this point and were, in fact, telling him to stop, repeatedly.   

You were raped. Your only “fault” here (for suitably low definitions of “fault”) is that you trusted someone who ultimately proved untrustworthy. That’s on him, not on you. He’s the one who took advantage of your friendship, encouraged you to get even drunker and, importantly, made the decision to assault you.  That is not your fault.  You didn’t do this, you didn’t “deserve” this and you didn’t “allow” this to happen. 

Now, there’s a lot that happened over the course of your experience that has left you very understandably confused and reeling. I want to explain a little of what happened and why you responded the way that you did. The experiences you had are normal and very common reactions to finding yourself in a situation like this. I want you to understand your responses and what they meant, because right now you’re feeling a lot of guilt and confusion and you have nothing to feel guilty about. ��First and foremost: you were drinking on an empty stomach, which means the booze is going to hit faster than it would if you had food with it (to slow the absorption) or drank water (which would dilute the alcohol before you processed it through your system). One thing about drinking, especially on an empty stomach, is that it takes time to process the alcohol. The physical sensations of intoxication can be subtle, especially if you had a couple drinks in rapid succession, and will stack over time. This means that you may not feel noticeably intoxicated at first, but you’re likely much drunker than you realize. The fact that you were feeling buzzed after several drinks wasn’t an indicator of how drunk you actually were in that moment; it was just the first of the sensations that you recognized as intoxication.

Second, getting in the hot tub while drunk had a multiplying effect on the alcohol. The heat of the water in the hot tub dilates your blood vessels, which means that any alcohol that you may have been drinking will reach your bloodstream at a much faster rate. Similarly, the temperature of the water and the intoxicating effects of booze means you’re more likely to be drowsy, dehydrated and otherwise leaving you more impaired than you realized. All of this was going to have an intensifying effect on the alcohol in your system and make you feel even more disoriented than you would have if you hadn’t gotten in.

Under the best of circumstances, you weren’t going to have full be operating in top form. You were already intoxicated and had more to drink under circumstances that would increase the rate that further alcohol would affect you. But this was hardly the best of circumstances; you had someone who was determined to take advantage of your impaired state and he did.

Which leads us to the way you behaved once it became clear that your “friend” was trying to take advantage of you. Again, I want to emphasize: these are normal and well-documented reactions to dangerous situations, including sexual assault and rape, not proof that you weren’t bothered by what happened or that it was ok. These are psychological behaviors that happen to everyone in dangerous situations and frequently require training to avoid. ��I’m sure you’ve heard of the “fight or flight” response. Well, that’s actually something of a misnomer; it’s more accurately known as “Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn”. You were having what’s known as the “fawn” response – that is, you found yourself going along, trying to de-escalate the situation and generally doing the best you could to get out of the situation with as little harm as possible. This was your brain trying to keep you safe by not angering or upsetting the person who had you at his mercy. By smiling, not making more of a fuss or otherwise just not fighting, you were trying to avoid provoking him and turning this into something much more violent or potentially even fatal for you.

Again, I can’t emphasize this enough: this was you trying to protect yourself. Your unconscious was trying to keep you alive and doing what was necessary to do so. The goal was to make sure you survived and stayed intact; the way it made you feel was something to deal with after you survived. Our brains are designed to prioritize survival, not happiness.

Similarly, the way you describe acting during the act at his house and after all are very common responses and behaviors that other rape victims have described. The smiling, the asking for reassurance, the not moving or fighting, making seeming token protests… these are all part of self-preservation in the face of an incredibly volatile and dangerous situation. The out-of-body sensation and foggy memory aren’t just because of the booze; they’re part of what’s known as “disassociation”.  Again, this is an attempt by your brain to protect you from what’s happening and keep you calm and avoiding panic. Panic kills in a crisis; staying calm makes survival possible.

Notice very carefully how you were acting changed as soon as you were away from him. That wasn’t because you suddenly changed your mind about what happened, that was because you were finally safe. You were now in a place where you weren’t in immediate danger and could react much more appropriately to the circumstances. Yes, you were still disoriented – that’s entirely understandable considering both the intoxication and the assault – but your change in behavior was due to having gotten away.  You succeeded in your primary goal: you survived and you were safe again. It was only then that you could start to process everything that happened. You quite literally didn’t have the available bandwidth to do so in the moment; everything that wasn’t critical to survival and getting through that were going to be turned down so that you could make it out. ��What’s pernicious about all of this is that people who don’t understand how sexual assault survivors behave in the moment and afterwards will take these behaviors as “proof” that it “wasn’t so bad” or “you were ultimately OK with it”, rather than a natural survival instinct that’s part of the “Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn” response. You know. Like your boyfriend is doing. He’s being unquestionably s--tty to you about what is ultimately a horrific experience that you survived and pinning the blame on you because hey, there was booze and sex and now you’re saying it’s not your fault but that can’t be true because reasons. So, frankly, f--k him.

If he comes around, accepts what happened and realizes how abominable he’s acting to you, then he’s going to need to do some very f--king serious apologizing just to start.

But honestly, he’s not important in all of this, and that’s not what you need to focus on right now. This is: this was not your fault. You were raped by someone you trusted. This was NOT your fault. I want you to repeat that every time you think about this: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. This was something that was done TO you. You didn’t consent, you couldn’t consent, and what was done was a crime.

This was NOT. Your. Fault.��If you haven’t talked to a rape counselor already, I would strongly recommend that you call the National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1-800-656-4673 –  or you can visit them at RAINN.org and use their online chat if that would be easier for you. Whichever way you choose, there are trained advocates available 24/7 who will talk you through what happened, assist you in getting local resources for your own health and safety, talk you through your options and otherwise help you deal with all of this.��Again, THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. I literally can’t repeat this enough. THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.  This was something that was done *to* you. THIS. WAS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT.��Call the hotline and talk to a counselor. They’ll help you figure out your next steps, help connect you with resources for recovery and give you the information you need to decide what you will do next and how you can work on moving towards recovery. This was a horrific experience and I’m so, so sorry you went through it. But you survived. You may have metaphorical scars after this,  but scars are the sign of a survivor. They’re a mark of strength, and you are strong. ��You’re going to be OK. I promise.��All will be well.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com