DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 23 years old student, and I was pretty much the stereotypical, socially very awkward, shy guy back in high-school. Some bad familial stuff was messing with me since, well, forever, and my only true friend was my awesome little brother. I just wanted to get the hell out, to leave all this behind me. And I tried when I graduated and went to college.

Long story short, reality slapped me in the face, and my studies where halted for nearly two years. When I got back to college, I briefly considered suicide, spoke about it to my brother, and my mother and they basically dragged me out of this pit.

In the last three years, many things happened: I’ve stumbled upon your blog, and began to try to improve myself, to correct my views about relationships in particular and life in general, I finally returned to a theatre class, I started hitting the gym and I even had my first relationship! It was short-lived (like, two months), I made some mistakes (I’m quite ashamed of it but one of my reason for the break-up was the lack of physical intimacy) and I understood what you meant by “find someone right for you, not because you’re alone”. This was 2 years ago.

Today I’m still celibate and a virgin, but not alone anymore. I’ve a good circle of friends (awesome people), I’ve came to terms with my envy of my little brother’s achievements, and I’m not anymore obsessed with finding someone, anyone. I’m happy, truly happy, for the first time in my life

And here is the problem Doc : 99 % of my friends told me that the first time we met, before we even talked to each other, they thought I was cold and full of disdain. Many of them even told I looked constantly sad, and it became kind of a private joke. And as ridiculous as it sounds, it upsets me. I’ve always considered myself as a warm person. Introvert? Yes. Not so talkative when not joking Sure. Easily “disconnected”? I can’t deny it. My “sad” face? It’s my neutral expression!

Hell, I’ve been convinced for a very long time that there was something wrong with me (as a person), a “stain” in my personality that drove people away, but how can I correct my neutral expression?

I know it’s kind of ridiculous, but I don’t want to make people feel that way in my presence, Doc. I don’t want to be the guy-who-looks-so-sad-god-if-approach-him-I’m-gonna-fall-in-depression. I don’t want to be perceived as someone who is going to shut you down and humiliate you if you approach me, because it’s the opposite. Want to make my day? Approach me, talk to me.

So here is my question Doc: what can I do? Despite all my work, all my efforts, I’m still (inadvertently) driving off other people. Now, to be fair, I know I’m making a big deal of it, but every time I’m told this, I hear “All your efforts don’t matter, all your work doesn’t matter, you’re still a person that nobody wants to know or be with. You upset other people.”

Stressed About Descriptions

DEAR STRESSED ABOUT DESCRIPTIONS: First of all, SAD, I want to congratulate you on all the work you’ve been doing. You’ve been in a deep pit and clawing your way out of it isn’t easy. You’ve put in a lot of effort, you’ve worked incredibly hard and you should be proud of how much you’ve accomplished. You’ve even had your first relationship! Don’t downplay that dude, that’s huge!

So here’s what’s going on right now: all that work you’ve been putting in, has been paying off and you’ve leveled up. But reaching that new level comes with new challenges – challenges that you weren’t ready for previously. But now with all that work you’ve put in, you’re stronger, more resilient and – critically – emotionally healthier than you were before. So while it can seem daunting, it’s not insurmountable.

Now to break down what is going on here: your presentation is telling a specific story about you. It’s not necessarily any one thing, so much as a combination of things. From what you’re describing, it’s a combination of behavior and presentation that’s combining to send a particular vibe to the people around who don’t know you. And in all likelihood, it’s a matter of habits and presentation rather than anything inherently “set” about you. You’re quiet, you’re solitary, you’re serious and you have what would be described as a “melancholic temperament” in gothic romance novels. Which works great if you’re out on the moors, less so in major urban areas.

Besides, Heathcliff was a dick and Wuthering Heights was awful. THAT’S RIGHT. I SAID IT.

Ahem.

So what you want to do is focus on how to be more approachable and not give off that “sad boy” vibe. And to start with: consider how you’re presenting yourself outwardly. How are you dressing? Are you wearing clothes that you can hide in – hoodies, caps and sunglasses? Are you doing the Mr. Robot and folding yourself up into your hoodie?

What about your body language? When you walk, is your spine straight and your shoulders relaxed? Or are you hunched over and folded in on yourself? Do you tend to have your arms crossed, or are you letting your chest expand? If you’re sitting, are you bent over whatever you’re doing, or do you spread out and take up more space? The more you pull in on yourself, taking up as little space as possible and hiding in your clothes, the more you give off the “Don’t talk to me” vibe.

While we’re at it, let’s talk about your expression and your head. Are you making eye-contact with people, or are you trying to avoid people’s gaze? What are you doing with your face? You say that you’ve got resting sad face, which hey, happens. I can look overly serious if I’m thinking about things and that can make people worry if I’m upset. But if you’re both avoiding looking at people and you have a sad or upset look on your face, then people are going to think that you’re upset and give you a wide berth. Even the natural caretakers and nurturers aren’t going to necessarily want to step up to someone who seems like they’re determined to be alone with their demons.

Another big issue: are you putting barriers between you and the people you’re talking to? If you have a tendency to, say, put your backpack or messenger bag on the table in front of you, between you and the rest of the world, you’ve put up a literal wall. If you’re curled up around a book, your phone or your laptop, that’s another barrier.

And for that matter: are you out in the open where people can find you, or are you back in a corner somewhere? The more you’re out of the flow of traffic, as it were, the less people are even going to see you, never mind necessarily want to come over.

All of these things are part of how you signal that you don’t want to talk to people or that you’d rather be alone. Don’t want that? Then you need to start focusing on how to send the right signals. You know you’re a warm person, so you need to project that warmth.

Start with your expression. You don’t need to smile all the time – some cultures actually find that off-putting – but a lot of how we signal our mood and confidence comes from how we use our face. Keeping your eyes up and your eyebrows relaxed is a start. So is being willing to make eye-contact. You don’t need to stare people down, but not avoiding people’s eyes or looking away quickly if you do make eye-contact shows that you’re confident and outwardly focused. Look around you, acknowledge that other people are there. Give people a slight smile (one that reaches your eyes) and a nod when you see them.

While you’re at it, work on that confident, open body language. As you walk or sit, imagine that there’s an invisible thread attached to the crown of your skull, pulling ever so slightly upward. Let that pull your head up and straighten your spine, while your shoulders relax and your arms swing at your sides. If you’re sitting, don’t lean forward or hunch over. Lean back, even sprawl a little.

And be more expressive and responsive. You don’t need to be a chatterbox, but at the same time, you don’t want to be a statue either. Smiling, nodding and giving encouragers like “uh-huh” all show that you’re engaged and paying attention to the people you’re with. And openly smiling, snickering, laughing, shaking your head and what-not over things all send the sign that you may be quiet, but you’re not sullen or closed off.

Just as importantly though: if you want people to approach youBut giving some signals that it’s cool to come say “hi”?, you have to give them the signal that it’s ok to do so. Most people don’t want to intrude where they’re not welcome. That’s going to up the odds that somebody will take you up on your non-verbal invitation

Oh and one more thing: it’s a bit woo-woo-mind-hacky, but start cultivating the attitude that people already like you. This will utterly change how you behave around people and put you more at ease. And your being more at ease will make other people more at ease too.

This can all sound like a lot, I know SAD. But most of it is just a matter of habit – breaking out of old patterns and building new ones. Spend time consciously adopting these behaviors, especially when you realize you’re falling back into old habits, and soon it’ll be worked into your muscle memory.

Good luck

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I know you are not a “real doctor” but I don’t know if this is a medical, mental, or relationship problem and would like some outside perspective. This is my problem- my sex drive has cratered and I don’t know why and I want it back.

When I was in high school, I wanted all the sex all the time but abstained for a variety of reasons. When I got to college, I wanted sex all the time and frequently got it. I met my then-boyfriend, now husband, and we had a near- matching sex drive (if anything, I wanted it more frequently than his).

But as we’ve gotten older, both of us seemed to have slowed down, but mine has gone to “practically nonexistent”. I don’t think it’s a relationship problem- my spouse is still supportive, loving, game to try things, compliments me all the time and never pressures me to have sex. He does a pretty solid amount of chores (we’re both pretty suck at it, but he always does the dishes). He’s still sexy as hell. I am still deeply in love with him. But I just don’t find myself interested- and not just in my spouse. No guy seems to get me going, and I don’t spend time fantasizing about celebrities or enjoying idle crushes. We’re polyamorous, but I haven’t slept with another person for years nor wanted to. If I see an attractive person, it is more like appreciating them artistically rather than having any sort of heart palpitations or pants feelings. Self-exploration isn’t really on the agenda either. Now, sex just seems like too much effort to get involved in — it’s too much time to get in the mood and it’s too hard to stay in the mood during the moment. I find myself thinking of all the stuff I haven’t done and need to do. I find myself stuck on stuff I’ve watched or a news article in my head.

I’m fairly certain it isn’t medical- my last gynecological examine didn’t turn up anything unusual and I’m not on any hormonal birth control (though oddly, I was in college but I didn’t notice a dip when I went off it). I’m in my 30s, I feel like this is way to early for my sex drive to go away completely. Other than the fact that Trump’s in office, there isn’t anything terribly wrong in my life. We’re doing okay, my job’s okay and I get along with my coworkers. I have hobbies, we travel from time to time, we have friends, we go to events around the city and my routine is more than just work, come home, veg, repeat. And I really miss my college sex drive.

Any thoughts on how to get it back?

-Abstinence All Over Again

DEAR ABSTINENCE ALL OVER AGAIN: There’re a few things that will crater a person’s libido, AAOA, and figuring out the culprit tends to be as much a process of elimination as anything else. My usual suggestions is to start with a trip to the doctor and checking for any potential health or biochemical issues. Hormone levels could throw off your sex drive. So can a number of medications, especially if you’re taking an SSRI.

But the next question I’d ask is… how’s the sex you were having? Was it great? Or just pretty good? Was it exciting and vibrant, or just kinda routine? Did you vary it up, or was it the same thing every time? Because one of the things that will kill your libido deader than the dodo and faster than Barry Allen on a coffee buzz? Is boredom. 

This actually happens a lot, particularly with women; the sex is humdrum and the desire to keep having it… just kind of fades away. So it’s not just that the afflicted person doesn’t want to have sex with their spouse, it’s that they don’t want to have sex at all… right up until they get start banging someone new. Suddenly the novelty of it kickstarts the ol’ libido again and suddenly it’s like being 16 all over and having the house to yourself and the pay-per-view’s unscrambled.

So I would suggest changing things up in the bedroom… and since you’re poly, that might mean changing up the person. Going out and pursuing a date or two, even if it’s not necessarily what you want most in the world, may fire things up again. Many women’s arousal patterns are often reciprocal and responsive – being desired arouses your own desire.

If you don’t necessarily want to explore a new partner, than explore new forms of intimacy with your hubby. Make a point of exploring a fantasy that one (or both of you) hold. Try something different – maybe a light kink, maybe something as simple as a quickie during your lunch break. Breaking out of your routine and introducing novelty back into your sex life can bring that passion roaring back.

While you’re at it? Schedule a date night or two. One of the reasons why the passion fades in long-term relationships is that everybody settles in when they settle down. They stop trying quite as hard. But treating a date with your spouse as though it’s your first date and you want to make a great first impression? That can rekindle all kinds of old feelings.

And one last thing: do stuff with your husband that gets your heart pounding and stimulates the central nervous system. Humans are bad at understanding why we feel the way we do; we feel the physical sensations and assign meaning to them after the fact. So when you’re heart is pounding and you’re slightly out of breath and you’re excited because you just got off that roller coaster or because you’ve been out dancing?

Well… that excitement transfers to other areas too.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a woman in my early twenties. I work in a small office and go to classes at night to educate myself further. In the little free time I have I am active in a political organization and have a quite high rank there. On weekends I go out with friends because I am easily bored so I always try to busy myself with exciting activities instead of suffering from cabin fever. My interests are politics, culture (including nerd culture of course), traveling, food, etc. Pretty much the only things I can’t get into are sports. I do cardio and go for a run to keep in shape but other than that I really don’t care for the subject matter.

Knowing about my busy schedule you might have figured that my dating life is not really that great. I do have occasional hook ups but other than that it’s nothing but me, myself and I…

I consider myself an attractive woman, I am confident, I have a wide range of interests and I hold high ambitions. So why can’t I find a keeper?

A friend of mine once told me that some guys don’t approach me because my confidence is intimidating and guys like shy girls better. I have no problem with approaching guys and start flirting but some of their egos seem to be too fragile to handle women who take matters in their own hands. Also I was told that I’m too talkative or sassy or feminist or independent or bitchy or opinionated by guys online. And that is really infuriating and also a bit hurtful.

The only guys that seemingly can keep up with my attitude are “jocks” but those relationships fail because of our different interests.

I don’t blame the guys for not wanting to date me. It’s their decision and if I am not what they are looking for then by all means they should find happiness with the right girl.

But all that stuff leaves me wondering… am I too much? Should I change to be more appealing? Should I pretend to be shy and reveal certain aspects of my personality only after some time has passed? Or am I good the way I am and it’s just a matter of not having found the right kind of person yet?

Those concerns sound so unreasonable but I guess I’m just a little uncertain at the moment… I hope you can give me some advice.

Too Much Intimidation?

DEAR TOO MUCH INTIMIDATION: Your problem is a common one, TMI. A lot of women, especially women in their mid 20s who are confident and accomplished, have problems finding men who’re interested in more than a hook-up. In fact, that’s a core issue in Jenna Birch’s book The Love Gap: guys are out their saying they want to find someone who’s ambitious, confident and accomplished… yet they aren’t dating the women out there who meet those standards.

In fact, many of them are doing the opposite.

Part of this is that yes, to some men, the fact that you have so much going on in your life is going to be a turn-off. There are a lot of men who see attention and career achievement as a zero-sum game. Only one of you can really go on to succeed, and at the end of the day… they’re going to choose themselves because men are supposed to be the high-achievers. A woman who’s equally – if not more – successful than they are can feel threatening, even emasculating.

The same goes for women who are confident and forward. If a woman, for example, responds to a compliment with anything other than deflecting or downplaying the compliment, she’s often seen as arrogant. A simple “Thanks!” instead of “oh no, you’re just saying that…” tends to rile up men because she’s not following along with the script. Women, after all, aren’t supposed to be aware that they’re attractive.

And if a woman flaunts gender roles and takes the part of the aggressor instead of passively waiting… well, a lot of guys really don’t respond well to that.

Some of this is societal; those gender roles are still very much in force, even in the 21st century.But some of it is about maturity and how men tend to progress. One of the reasons why women in your position have a hard time finding guys who they work with is because those guys are still in development. Women tend to treat development like a web – working on several aspects of their life at once. Men tend to be lasers, taking things one at a time in order: first they want to develop their careers THEN they’re ready to date. Part of the problem here is that those guys tend to pass up on women they later turn around and realize they shouldn’t have passed up on.

This, incidentally, is why many women will find exes coming back, hat in hand years down the line. They weren’t ready then and didn’t realize what they had. Now that they do, they’re hoping the window hasn’t closed too firmly.

Once you understand where some of these issues come from, TMI, it becomes a question of “what do you do about it?” I mean, yes, you could always try to tone down your personality or pretend to be someone you’re not in order to get a boyfriend. But I question the wisdom in that; the guy who can’t handle you now isn’t likely to be any better able to do so when he finds out that you’ve been hiding a part of yourself. In fact, it’s more likely to cause problems… messily and all over the place.

And then there’s the fact that you likely aren’t going to like guys who prefer the softer, more submissive version of you. That’s fundamentally not who you actually are, and that conflict between  who you are and who you’re putting forth is going to cost you a lot of emotional energy and a string of incompatible boyfriends.

It may well be that your best option is to wait, while guys play catch up and try to get on your level. Or to wait and see if you can find someone who matches up with you now.

Now one thing I will say is maybe reconsider on some of those jocks. The fact that they’re jocks doesn’t mean that they can’t also be nerds; most sports nuts are just nerds in different clothing. And as I’m always telling guys: your interests don’t need to match up perfectly for the two of you to work; they just need to mesh well enough. Even if you two don’t share the same interests, can you try exploring the others’? Can you respect their interests and can they respect yours?

That’s a question only you can answer, MIT. But while the waiting may be frustrating… it’s still better than trying to force yourself into the wrong personality like you’re trying to force yourself into shoes that don’t fit. Finding the right partner can take time, but in the end, it’s worth it.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  My friend B [26F] has rotten luck with men. Some of it is her own doing with her unrealistic expectations of men and some of it appears to be what she’s attracted to.

B has had a thing for 50+ year old men with money for the past 5 years. These men are typically emotionally abusive, ignore her for weeks on end forcing her to chase them, don’t allow her to meet their friends or family, and string her along with promises for more. She typically portrays herself to be a take no bullshit type of person, but as soon as she gets involved with one of these men, all of that goes completely out of the window.

Last time I tried to bring this up to her, she threw it in my face that I’m married and don’t understand her loneliness – and that very well may be true. While I don’t understand what being that lonely is like, I do recognize really poor romantic decisions, and dating guys who make no time for you, force you to always come to them (literally, she dated a guy who forced her to fly once a month for a year to a completely different country and never even tried to visit her in her home city or meet her family, and the only time he actually supposedly attempted the trip, he missed his flight and makeup flights for two weeks straight).

I’m worried about her – these guys that she’s been seeing aren’t up to any good, don’t treat her with any respect, and she either intentionally or unintentionally ignores the signs of emotional abuse and manipulation and makes excuses for their misbehavior. I don’t know how to talk to her about this, but she’s coming up to stay with me in a couple weeks to meet another guy that’s she’s been talking to for three months and she doesn’t even know his last name. Do you have any recommendations for how I can approach this situation with her in a way that doesn’t end up imploding our otherwise great friendship?

On The Sidelines

DEAR ON THE SIDELINES: One of the problems with love is that love’s not just blind, it also tends to put its fingers in its ears and yell “LALALALALALALALALALALA” at the top of it’s lungs.

This is never more evident than when you’re watching a good friend about to go down with the HMS Douchebag for the third time in a row. 

It’s all the more frustrating because, honestly, there’s really not much you can do. Your friend is a grown woman. She’s got agency and the right to make her own choices. The fact that they’re stupid choices doesn’t change that.

The problem is that if you just straight up try to make her see what’s going on and that she’s been riding the jackass train for years, then all that’s going to happen is that she’s going to dig her heels in and double down. Nobody appreciates being told that the guy they’re currently sweating is the latest in a long line of asshats who’s going to chew her up and spit her out, just like the previous dude in the jackass conga line did.

This makes confronting her tricky, because you don’t want her to just ignore you and mess up even harder. The best thing you can do, especially in the wake of yet another car crash, is to sit down with her and try to get her to realize what’s going on. First, you have to see if you can get her to recognize that these relationships were toxic. Exploring the ways that these relationships have been bad for her may help her start to recognize the pattern.

It may also help to work out just why she’s dating these wastes of skin. There’s clearly a common denominator in these relationships besides douchebaggery; there’s something about these guys that appeals to her. Maybe these guys just so amazing in bed that she’s willing to put up with the rest of it. But the more that the two of you can zero in on why she picks these guys in particular, the more that you can hopefully nudge her in a different direction.

But then again, you could also lay all this out for her and still get nowhere. You can lead someone to clues, but you can’t make them think.

Of course, that all presumes that the common denominator isn’t just her and her damage.  There’s every possibility that she has her own emotional issues that leave her feeling like she deserves to be treated this way. And if that’s the case… well, just as she’s the one making those choices, she’s also the one who has to fix things. You can’t force someone into emotional health; they have to decide that. And this is one of the areas where Alcoholics Anonymous gets it right: some folks have to hit rock bottom before they change. And the only thing concerned friends can do is to try to help them limp to the ER afterwards and hope that maybe this time they’ll learn to avoid cliffs.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a 25 year old guy trying to get back into dating after a few months of hiatus following some unpleasantness with my ex.

Online dating is something I generally don’t enjoy and am not terribly successful at. I much prefer to meet women out in the world, and all my best relationships have started after meeting girls at school or through mutual friends, where we can get to know each other over multiple interactions and get comfortable.

Now that I’ve graduated and settled into my 8-5 life I’m naturally not meeting many single women my age (most coworkers are 40+, and dating coworkers seems unwise anyway).

I do sometimes meet women I’d like to ask out in the world, but they are often working, or on break, or reading, and one of my defining dating faults is my desperate desire not to be invasive or bothersome.

Do you have any words of wisdom about asking working women for their number? I include also reading women because as a book lover myself I’d like to date another but also know being distracted from a great book can be annoying. And I fear few things more than being an annoyance.

Thanks a ton, 

Hesitant to Bother

DEAR HESITANT TO BOTHER: The question you’re asking is a classic example of asking for the wrong thing. HTB.

Hang on, let me explain:

The best way to meet women is, honestly, the way you’re most comfortable with. We tend to bring our expectations with us to whatever method we choose and that inevitably affects the outcome. Expect to badly at cold-approaches and you guarantee you will. If you hate online dating, then you’re not only going to put in the effort or energy required, but you’re going to be miserable trying.

In your case, you’ve had the most success meeting women through warm approaches – that is, striking up conversations with women you’ve already had social connections with, whether it be classmates or mutual friends. This isn’t terribly surprising; that’s how most people meet their partners. It’s lower stakes and not as stressful as trying to approach a stranger in a bar.

The tricky part, however, is after you graduate from college, the pool of people you have those social connections with shrinks like a puddle in the Sahara. And as when the watering hole dries up, causing the local wildlife to wander further afield, when our social circles contract, we tend to look to other ways to meet people.

That brings us back to you, HTB. The issue here is that you’re asking for the wrong advice. Your best option isn’t approaching women at work.

The thing about approaching women at their place of employment is that they’re rarely in a place where they’re looking to meet someone. More often than not, their minds are focused on the needs of the day and they’d really rather get through without too much hassle. This doesn’t mean that you are a hassle, HTB but almost everywoman has a story about guys who approached her at times when she’d just really rather be left alone. When you combine this with women in service-industry professions who are professionally nice – that is, who will be friendly and flirty because it means the difference in a good tip and no tip – then you get folks who’ve been inundated with dudes who think that a smile is more than just a friendly gesture.

So while this doesn’t mean that you are necessarily a bother to them, HTB, the odds of your doing well with this approach are low enough that it likely isn’t worth the time and effort it’ll take. And while there are guys who buck the odds, they come in two flavors: the guys who got one-time lucky and the guys who are skilled, socially. The lucky ones’ success can’t be replicated and the ones who are skilled got there through time and experience.

This is why the best thing you can do isn’t doing cold approaches of women who aren’t giving you approach invitations, it’s to rebuild your social circles. Think about life in college: you were studying, sure, but you were also doing things. You were going to events on campus, you were hanging with your friends, you were going to the places where people were. This gave you the opportunity to meet people in locations and at times when the social contract said “yes, you’re not only allowed to talk to strangers, but it’s encouraged”. You can do that now.

Take the things that you’re passionate about and engage with them in ways that bring you in contact with other people. Check your local alt-weekly for events or get-togethers that strike your fancy. Check Facebook and Meetup.com for regular local groups that you’d like to try out and get to know the people there. And don’t just look to the folks who are attending as potential partners, think a few steps down the line. You may not meet someone you’d like to date just then… but the friends you make at the event may well have friends who are your type.

Approaching your love life this way will make things easier for you in the long run. Because it’s more in tune with your previous successes and your natural inclinations, you’ll not only be more comfortable meeting women like this, you’ll enjoy it more. That’ll help encourage you to keep working at it, instead of letting the frustration of rejection grind you down.

Plus: you’ll grow your social network and meet new and awesome people. So it’s win-win, really.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I met this girl online and we’re really attracted to each other. Problem is, due to a software issue in the dating service’s location settings (imagine selecting from a list that only has multiple entries of “Washington, United States”) we’re actually located in opposite ends of the country. She knows this since she was the one that approached me – a really happy accident, by the way.

We are about 6-9 hours by train away from each other depending on the rail connection. Neither has to drive because public transport is really good.

I planned a really nice date in a city that splits the travel time somewhat equally between the two of us (Plan A) but she’s currently busy and is unable to devote 4+ hours traveling there. Her official stance on this has been “wait and text”.

Since I have not visited her city before I was thinking of going up there for a weekend (fully announced) and having her show me around town. (Plan B)

Should I execute Plan B? I’ve been keeping it very cool and low-pressure so far and I’m afraid announcing Plan B shows hints of desperation – traveling across nearly the entire North-South span of Germany just for a first date feels like clingy behavior to me.

On the other hand, I really don’t want this to fizzle out over text! We have something really good going over text but small talk only goes so far before it has to be replaced by conversation about shared experiences and actual contact. I feel like I’m on a timer here.

Any advice you could offer is much appreciated.

Best Regards 

A Promising Start

DEAR A PROMISING START: My dude, I am going to save you a lot of heartache: never, NEVER just drop the “Hey, I’m about to be in your city next week, how about you show me around?” on someone when you’re long-distance. That’s going to put a lot of pressure on somebody to be your tour-guide and event coordinator, not just your date, and that’s before we get into the part about how she’s already busy.

You would be far better off getting an invite to come visit instead of just arriving - announced or not. This way you’re not just about to impose on her, it’s become an arranged event that she’s actually looking forward to.

Here’s how you set the stage to getting an invitation: next time you’re texting and talking about how you’d love to see each other, seed the idea of a visit. “Hey, you know I’d love to meet up in person and I’ve never been to $PLACE. How would you feel if I came up?” Now, instead of just announcing that you’re going to be there, you can actually make a date of it. If she likes the idea, you can even incorporate some low-key flirting into making plans: “So if I did come, where would we go? What is one place you think we should see?”

This lets the anticipation build and make things more interesting and exciting, instead of a sudden surprise. This way, when you do get off that train, it’s the culmination of the building of some delicious tension and excitement, not just pressure to perform.

And if she’s not feeling you coming to visit… well, now you’re not out the train tickets and an uncomfortable weekend.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)