DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: After 13 years of marriage, I find myself divorced and single again at 40. After making sure I was okay with myself after a year I started opening up to the idea of dating again. I joined some dating sites and started going out again.

When I was out at the Apple store getting my iPhone fixed, I was sitting up at the counter next to this young, attractive redhead. She seemed a little young for me so I didn’t strike up a conversation, although I did make eye contact and smile. To my surprise she started a conversation with me. After about 10 minutes of enjoyable small talk she got her phone back and she left, but not before saying good bye to me. There was definitely interest there, but I kept myself from closing the deal because I thought the age gap might be too big; my guess is that she was 25 at most.

My brother in law was with me, and he confirmed that she was indeed flirting with me. I told him that I didn’t ask for her number or invite her to coffee because of our age difference. But is the age difference that important? I read everywhere that age is just a number, but is there a threshold? Ironically, later that night the subject of Patrick Stewart came up and my sister mentioned that he is married to someone 40 years his junior. My counter-argument of course was that he’s freaking Captain Picard and he can marry anyone he wants to.

So tell me doctor, should I just go after any opening I’m given, torpedoes be damned? This young lady was intelligent, well spoken and seemed mature. I’m sure I would have been attracted even if we were the same age. Is age really just a number?

– Arizona Four-Oh

DEAR ARIZONA FOUR-OH: As a wise man once said: it ain’t the years, it’s the mileage.

Age gaps tend to tricky in that it is both important AND unimportant and it carries some significant baggage. One of the unpleasant truths is that our society fetishizes the young, especially young women. We’re all taught that a woman’s sexual capital (ugh) is at it’s highest when she’s young and older women are seen as less desirable. When you look at online dating, you’ll notice a lot of older men who’re unwilling to consider a woman around the same age they are, opting instead to pursue someone considerably younger… and society tends to approve of this. While there is the fear of the stigma of being “the old dude in the club” or “dirty old man”, there are far more examples of May-December romances with an older male partner than a female one.

I bring this up because this is part of the dynamic that affects dating as an older man and it’s worth keeping that in mind.

Now, with all of that having been said…

If we assume everybody is ethical and on the up and up – both parties are on the same page, the older partner is careful about any potential difference in power in the relationship, etc. – then the biggest issue when there’s a significant age gap is simply the ability to relate. Someone who’s in their early to mid-20s tends to be in a very different place than someone who’s in their 40s; the younger person is frequently just starting out while the older is more established. There will be a number of differences in terms of cultural touchstones and lived experiences that can make it hard to relate. At the same time however, emotional maturity makes a difference as well – I’ve known a lot of incredibly mature and centered 20-somethings and 50 year olds who acted like they were still 19 year old frat boys. It all depends on the individuals involved and where they are in their lives.

In your specific situation, this woman initiated a conversation with you. If she was indeed flirting – and I’m willing to believe she was – then there’s nothing wrong with simply saying “hey, I had a great time talking to you and I’d love to continue this later,” and either asking her to coffee or to connect over Facebook or what-have-you.

(Ask if you can add her on Facebook instead of just tracking her down, by the way. The former is polite and considerate, the latter is creepy)

You seem like a down-to-earth, cool and considerate guy, AFO. I’d advise being careful not to ignore the amazing women who’re closer to your age, but if someone younger than you is expressing interest, then there’s really no harm in at least going on a date or two and seeing if you’re compatible. It’s all going to depend on the individual in question.

And just for the record: the key to telling whether she’s just friendly or flirting is to look for clusters of signs of interest – several signs of interest occurring in close proximity if not simultaneously.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I dated a guy for two and half years (I’m 24, he’s 23). It took me a long time to realize that he was a very emotionally immature person and as a result, selfish and unable to prioritize me. He was always pushing my physical boundaries and could never respect that I hate PDA. He never had any drive. I got a new job and moved away and the relationship went south from there (it had been on the rocks for awhile). However, there were many aspects that were positive: he knew some dark secrets of mine and didn’t judge, we were really comfortable around each other, I felt I could tell him anything, and some of our life goals aligned like kids and traveling.

Most of the things I was dissatisfied with or that were detrimental to the relationship I think stemmed from his emotional immaturity. He’d never follow through on what he’d say he would do (like going back to school). He never seemed able to stand up for himself or actually lay out what he was feeling honestly. The relationship began to feel very one-sided: I would make sacrifices but he’s never follow through. He’s never do something unpleasant in the short-term in order for a better long-term future. It was always words and no actions.

My question is this: am I wasting my time thinking that he can gain emotional maturity and that if he does, the relationship is worth trying again? Or should I accept that he never prioritized me and so he’s never going to?

(We’re not together now and he seems to have gotten that he needs to get his s

t together but I won’t buy it unless I see real progress, but I don’t want to keep him in my life however tiny an amount and keep waiting and hoping if it’s just not going to happen.)

I am so confused and conflicted because there were so many things that made is seem like the right guy and the right relationship. I’m terrified of trying again and it STILL not working out and putting myself through all that again. I’m really worried what my family would think if I were to try again only to have it fail again. How do I know if he’s going to suck forever, or if he has a chance to be better? How do I get over this conflict and move on if it’s not worth it? At first I felt used and thrown away by him but then we talked and he says he still wants me and never meant to throw me away. He wants to fix it. Since we talked now I just am so confused and conflicted. I don’t know what to do. Should I try again or find a way to move past this and hold out for someone better?

Thank you,

Second Verse, Same As The First

DEAR SECOND VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST: There’re a few questions you should answer to before you try getting back with your ex, SVSAF.  And the first question is why you want to get back together with your ex in the first place?

I’m not being snarky or asking a rhetorical question, SVSAF. It’s one thing if you’ve had a significant time apart – time to grow and change as a person and to gain some much-needed perspective on life and your relationship – and you’re ready to give him a second chance. It’s another entirely if what you’re really looking for is the comfort of the familiar. Part of what make our exes so alluring (at least, assuming you parted on semi-decent terms) is that they’re a known quantity. When you date someone for long enough, your life’s rhythms get intertwined with theirs. This is part of why break-ups suck: you’re trying to re-establish your personal equilibrium and it can be challenging.

It also doesn’t hurt that we all have emotional filters that affect our memories. It’s very easy to let the warm glow of nostalgia gloss over the rough patches of a relationship or make them seem smaller and less important than they were while you were actually together.

The next is to ask how much the circumstances of both of your lives have changed. How aware is he of his past behavior? Does he realize that he was treating you badly (and hoo boy, pushing your boundaries is really bad behavior)? Has he shown any evidence that he’s not as selfish and self-involved? It’s all well and good to say he didn’t mean to throw you away, but words are nothing but hot air and empty promises without actual deeds behind them. Promises to fix things mean sweet f

k-all if he hasn’t actually taken concrete steps already. If he’s not already working to improve his life without the intention of winning you back, then the odds are that no, he hasn’t grown and matured and going back would be just an invitation to Break Up 2 – Electric Boogaloo.

Are you willing to put up with his behavior again if he hasn’t changed?  One thing I see very often in messed up relationships is that somebody will promise to fix things and be on their best behavior for weeks or months… and then slowly start to slip back into their old patterns. Before you know it, you’re the metaphorical frog in the boiling pot. Do you have the wherewithal to call him on his BS – and make it stick – if he does?

But I’m gonna be honest here: I’m thinking the answer to all of this is “no”. It feels like you haven’t had enough distance and perspective on things and the wounds are still fresh and raw. This is one of the reasons why I always advocate the nuclear option of (at least temporarily) cutting contact when it comes to break-ups – it’s impossible to heal when you (or your ex) keeps picking at the wounds. I think this conflict you’re feeling is the lure of nostalgia versus what your gut is telling you: that this is a bad idea and nothing has actually changed.

I suggest listening to your gut.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am currently in the process of ending a 4-year relationship that has been a marriage for the past year. I am confident in my decision to end the marriage; we have been drifting apart, the sex is rare and uninteresting, we have fundamentally different interests and values, we have different attitudes towards our careers, and I feel she’s holding me back in terms of my attempts to eat healthier, exercise more and improve myself (I ask her to help me eat better, she buys two tubs of ice cream; etc.). 

Perhaps most importantly, where I used to care for her in the past I only feel cold emptiness and an urgent desire to get away. I don’t love her anymore, she’s been feeling unfulfilled and alone, and we should both be looking for people we work better with.

That said, in my country, there are legal issues with divorce – namely, I need to wait 12 months after our separation before the divorce can be finalized and I can be officially not-married again (there are no kids, cars, houses, etc – we are both still mostly-jobless students). That seems like a long time. Once she has moved out and I am a de facto bachelor again, I am worried about how to interact with women I may be interest in in the next 12 months. What is the proper etiquette? A one-night-stand doesn’t need to know, I assume, but what about dates I meet online? What about women I meet more than once? When should I tell someone I’m into that I’m still legally married and waiting for the divorce to be granted next year? 

Or should I just sit down and prepare myself for 12 months of celibacy? Is that the right thing to do? I’m really confused and unsure of what I should be doing with my life.

Thanks for your time, and any advice you can give me.

Sincerely,

Recently Separated

DEAR RECENTLY SEPARATED: From the sounds of things, it’s good that you’re getting out of this relationship. While I’m a believer in trying to fix a relationship rather than just cutting the thread, many times there’s just nothing there to fix and even less interest on both sides to make the attempt (or re-attempt). Far better to call it quits and break things off before whatever warm feelings you may still have for one another curdle into bitterness and hate, especially when there is relatively little to make the process more complicated. So here’s to hoping that this can be as painless and amicable a process as it can be under the circumstances.

Now, when it comes to handling dating during a separation, there are a couple issues that you will want to consider.

First and most importantly is whether or not dating someone while legally separated may cause issues with your divorce. In the U.S., individual states tend to have laws that can turn dating during divorce proceedings into a minefield, especially if you’re in one of the states that doesn’t offer a no-fault divorce. If one of you is filing for alienation of affection, for example, your love life may suddenly get dragged into the court case. It can also anger your spouse and turn what used to be an amicable proceeding into a long and expensive ordeal as he or she intentionally causes problems, drags their feet or refuses to settle as a way of getting revenge. I’ve seen this more happen more than a few times amongst my friends, unfortunately; even a simple divorce that didn’t involve children or division of property suddenly turned into a massive quagmire when one spouse suddenly decided that they’d been wronged.

However, I have to make the obvious disclaimer: not only is Dr. NerdLove not a doctor, he is also most certainly not a lawyer (especially when it comes to international divorce law). It might not be a bad idea to make sure that you have a long talk with your lawyer to make sure that you wouldn’t be stepping on any potential land mines if and when you start dating during the mandatory year.

Now that we’ve gotten the potential (and unlikely) nightmare scenarios out of the way, let’s talk about how to handle dating while you’re waiting on your divorce to be finalized.

You don’t necessarily want to include “Bee tee dubs, still technically married” in your online dating profile or drop on somebody on your first date, but it should be something you bring up sooner rather than later. If you’re going to be seeing this person more than once or if you’re not just getting together for some hot sex before going your separate ways, then it’s information they’re definitely going to want, especially if there’s the potential of a serious or committed relationship in the future.

The way you roll it out is important, though. You don’t want to make it sound like it’s something shameful that you would hide otherwise; that’s just going to make your dates wonder what other secrets you’re hiding. Just present it like it’s no big deal: she’s moved out, you’ve gone through the proceedings and all that’s left is to wait out the mandatory X months remaining before it’s finalized. It’s important that you bring it up in the context of “getting divorced”, not “we’re separated”; separated implies that it’s a temporary situation and there’s still a chance that the two of you may get back together.  In addition, many guys have used “we’re separated” as a way of covering up that they’re cheating on their spouses; a common example is when it turned out that the wife was out of town for work rather than, y’know, moved out. Getting divorced means that papers have been filed and there is a firm deadline when the legal side of the relationship is over. It says that you’ve actively ended the relationship, rather than dragging your heels because reasons.

The other issue is when you’re discussing what happened to keep it simple: there was nothing salacious or dramatic, you just grew apart. That’s all your date really needs to know; dating isn’t a deposition and unless your ex is likely to be prominently involved in your life, the details are ultimately unimportant. Don’t bash your ex either; even if she’s most horrible person north, west, south and east of the Pecos, all that complaining about her will do is make you sound as though you’re not over her. It’s hard to go wrong by being classy about an otherwise ugly situation.

My only other advice is not to leap too deep into the dating pool. While everyone gets over a divorce at different speeds – some people are well and truly over it long before they even file the papers – you are going through a break-up and it can take some time before you’re actually ready to date rather than rebounding. By all means, go on dates, go hook-up. But I would advise you not to get into a serious relationship until you’ve had time to process everything following the divorce. You’ll know better than I would when that will be, so just pay attention to how you’re actually feeling rather than how you think you should feel.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need your opinion. The thing is I led quite a sheltered life for a long time. I knew theoretically that people my age were supposed to go on dates, build relationships and have sex. And that it was supposed to be fun. I also knew that there were some rules about first date being this romantic thing while after the third date people might get to the sex part. At the time it seemed logical as why would anyone want to have sex with complete stranger? So when I was asked out by an interesting guy from my college (he was the same age as me) to go to a museum on Sunday morning it never occurred to me that plans for the day might involve something else. During the date the guy annoyed me a lot (he was late, he couldn’t keep an interesting conversation and was very condescending to my opinions) and when I finally came up with a good reason to end the boring day (after the museum we walked aimlessly through the city for a while barely talking) he suddenly got very touchy-feely and invited me to his place.

That made me very uncomfortable as I did no longer find the guy attractive and, as I knew nothing about “it’s ok to want sex” then and was a virgin I was greatly insulted by insinuation that I would sleep with the guy I barely knew. So I made my escape (though politely). 

The next day I got a text from him with some verses along the lines that it’s spring and so high time to “give it” to him. I was infuriated and the next time I saw him I said that I disliked him and so we should stop seeing each other. As I felt violated I tried avoiding him ever since. I feel deep hostility towards him even now.

Saying all that, now I am somewhat less ignorant about sex and relationships and I’m starting to question my previous behaviour. I mean at the time it seemed that the guy thought I was easy, that he was “tolerating” me to get laid and so on. I felt accosted but then again after I told him in no uncertain tone that I disliked him he left me alone without troubles. And though I’m pretty sure I gave him plenty non-verbal hints that his advances were not welcomed during the date I can’t say that I made it clear. So now I am wondering whether I judged the guy unnecessary harshly. 

What I’m interested in is whether there is some dating etiquette or not. Whether I should have been insulted by being propositioned on the first date even if there were zero chemistry or was I just overreacting and should have explained that I am only open for slow approach from the start? And whether agreeing to go on a date equals agreeing to get grabbed at or not? I know it must all sound very childish but I’m really confused.

Lost Girl

DEAR LOST GIRL: Wanting to get laid in and of itself isn’t a bad thing. Hoping that you’re with someone who might be open to hooking up on a first date is, likewise, not inherently a bad thing. Neither is preferring to proceed at a pace you feel comfortable with.

Acting like a a

le, on the other hand, totally is, and that’s where your would-be suitor went wrong.

While there is dating etiquette (which mostly boils down to “don’t be a jerk”),  the big issue here is about respecting boundaries, being able to read social cues and respond to them appropriately… and your date failed at all of these.  He evidently didn’t pick up on (or decided to ignore) the fact that you weren’t into him at all and decided to go for broke at the end when you decided to cut things off early. It’s bad behavior and a sign of low social intelligence to proposition someone, even someone you’re on a date with, when there’s been absolutely no indication that she’s into you at all – no hand holding, no make-outs, nothing. The vast majority of people aren’t going to be cool by going from zero to “bang me” with nothing in between.

There are ways to go about making a move or gauging whether a person is or isn’t up for hooking up on a first date. This guy apparently did none of them. Homeboy should learn how to actually tell if a woman is interested in him before making a move, to not just suddenly start getting touchy-feely (I’m assuming you didn’t mean that he actually tried to grope you, which is a s

thead of a different color) out of nowhere, especially if there hasn’t been any indication that physical contact would be welcomed. He also needs to learn that less (going for a good night kiss, working outward from there if she responds with vigor) is decidedly a better goal than more (trying to get you to go home with him), especially if there’s any question about how you’re feeling. If I were more charitably inclined, I might be willing to say that he’s ignorant, not malicious; he’s has some serious growing up to do and shouldn’t really be dating until he figures it out.

However, it’s the passive aggressive “give it up to me already” text that pushes him from “ignorant” to “a

*e”.

Now that being said: I think being deeply hostile to him may be giving him too much importance. If he’s not actively in your life or social circle – and judging by the way you haven’t heard from him after you told him to go the hell away, I’m guessing he isn’t – then I’m of the opinion that you shouldn’t waste the mental bandwidth thinking about him at all. You have a limited number of f

*s to give and he deserves none of them.

You didn’t do anything wrong on your date. Going on a date isn’t a binding contract;  you’re not obligated to put up with a guy doing anything that you aren’t comfortable with and you’re well within your rights to tell him to f

*k right off if he acts like a jackass about it. You have your boundaries and it’s your right to set them where you see fit.

People wanting sex is all fine and dandy. It’s good to want things. But people also want to have their boundaries respected and it’s where these two desires intersect that you separate the assholes from the gentlemen. It’s entirely possible to make overtures while still being respectful, even if they’re not sure whether there’s chemistry or not. Someone who understands this is also going to recognize and respect that person’s answer, whether that’s a “yes”, a “no” or “I want to take things slowly” and not respond by pouting, pressuring or acting like they’re entitled to it.

It can take a little experience to find the good guys (as opposed to the Nice GuysTM) , but they’re well worth the effort.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question that is somewhat outside of the normal range, but I respect your view point and I have no one else to ask. In brief-ish, narcissist gas lighting mother is dating the guy that molested me as a small (under 5) child. I haven’t spoken to her in three years, and my dad in almost as long as his response when I tried to talk to him about it was “get over it already.” He is 2nd adoptive step-father, so he wasn’t around at the time. I am 36 and I have three younger siblings, 31, 24, and 18. The youngest is a senior in high-school, the 24 is so stunted (thanks mom!) he might as well be. The oldest has already once broken my rule about providing our mother with my contact info. That’s the history.

Here is the problem. I am getting married next spring. My initial urge is to not tell anyone. But I very much want at least one person at the wedding that has known me longer than 3 years. At my first (baaaaaaad choice) wedding, my sister closest in age was a giant a

le about the whole thing. Admittedly she was 14, but that’s just how she is about most stuff. In her 20s she threw fit on Christmas because the baby of the family got one more present than she did. She counted 15 vs 16. She is also the only person who could arrange for the younger ones to be here, as I live 1,000 miles away and have no money. I would also like to have my dad there, but I don’t know that I can trust him not to tell my mom. He is the epitome of the religious right wing privileged white man. Been supporting Huckabee since I was a teenager. Which is gross, but he does love me and would definitely hold a massive freaking grudge if he finds out later.

So….what do I do? Get drama llama sister involved? Sneak out the younger ones and hope they can keep a secret? Risk my mother crashing my wedding? I’ve spent the last three years undoing a ton of damage to my psyche and I desperately don’t want to invite all the BS back in. But I love my siblings very much. If none of them come, it will just be me and my partner’s friends and family. I don’t have any close friends, it’s hard to meet people when you are either crying or having panic attacks and can’t trust anyone.

Sorry so long and off topic, thank you for your time.

Something Blue

DEAR SOMETHING BLUE: I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through with your family and the damage that it’s done to you over the years. It’s a tragedy when the people who are supposed to love and support you unconditionally are the ones who’ve hurt you the worst and the deepest. It’s entirely understandable that you cut off contact with your folks and that you have to keep the remainder at arm’s length; if you can’t trust them to respect your boundaries or not to leak your information to your mother, then keeping them at a distance is a necessary form of psychic self-defense. It’s sad that this is what you have to do to be healthy and happy, but frankly you have to put you first.

Before I get to your wedding questions, I hope that you’re seeking help with a counselor or a therapist. I understand that money is tight, but many counselors will work with you in terms of payment, and Captain Awkward has an excellent guide for finding low-cost (or even free) mental health care options.

Now with that out of the way, let’s talk about your wedding questions. Your wedding is ultimately about you and your fiancee. As such, you get to decide what it means, how it’s going to happen and who gets to be there. If you want to have a simple signing of the license and call it good, then whip out the pen and get it done. If you want to have a private ceremony for just you and your partner and a backyard barbecue later for your nearest and dearest, then go for it! If you want the full fairy-tale wedding, then knock yourself out. This right to define your terms includes who gets to know beforehand and who gets to be on the guest list. Somebody else’s hurt fee-fees don’t trump your right to celebrate things the way you want and once you get into obligation invites, things can spiral out of control before you know it.

Now from a personal experience, I have had a close friend get married who had a family member that she absolutely did not want to come; this was a person who had committed actual assault on other members of her family at a similar gathering. The catch: this person was married to her uncle, whom my friend loved to pieces and would have been heartbroken not to have at the ceremony. So when she invited her Uncle, not only was his name the only one that was on the invitation, but she reached out to him privately and explained that while he was welcome, his wife was not and if that meant that he couldn’t come, then she understood. Not having her uncle come was going to be the price of not dealing with the stress, drama and potential danger of having her at the wedding.

You have the right to do this too. You can invite the siblings and family members you trust and specifically leave out the ones you don’t, with instructions not to let them know until it’s fait accompli. There will probably be grumbles, but if you can live with that then that’s the price that comes with having them there. If you want to weigh the chances, you can reach out some tentative feelers to those family members you would want to attend – have some conversations about your relationship, your relationship with your mother and how this affects your plans for the future and see how they respond. If you feel secure in trusting them with more information, then you can make with the actual invitations.

Alternately, you are also perfectly welcome to give a carefully edited version of the truth (or just straight up lie): circumstances and monetary limitations mean an incredibly small wedding and limited guest-list of people who were already there; then you can have a simple post-wedding get together for select friends and family later when finances allow. I suspect this may be easier than convoluted levels of skullduggery, especially when you can’t trust certain members of your family to not leak the information to your mother.

I’m sorry I don’t have anything more concrete for you. You’re in an awful situation and there really aren’t any clean-cut or easy answers to your predicament. I just want to you make sure that you take care of yourself first and foremost; you don’t need the toxic members of your family doing any more damage to you than they already have.

But there’s other thing I want you to consider: we have two families in life. We have our family by blood and our family by choice. Sometimes the two are the same. Sometimes they are not. Part of the point of a wedding is that you’re joining your partner’s family, just as they’re joining yours. I presume (and I hope) that your partner’s family loves and respects you and that you love and respect them – this is part of what makes them your family by choice. While I totally understand not wanting your side of the metaphorical aisle to be empty, if you can’t risk the damage it does to you then it’s not worth it to have them there.

But their absence doesn’t mean that your family won’t be there… it just may be that it won’t be the ones you share blood with.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I have a problem (or more likely, a laundry list of them, haha): I can’t stay interested in a guy for longer than a couple of months after we start a relationship. And it’s not just losing sexual interest. In the beginning, I am completely happy to boink like bunnies at every available opportunity. But at the end, my sex drive is still high and totally functioning, I just don’t want his assistance anymore. Most of it is that all the things that seemed minor and easy to look past in the beginning while everything was sunshine and puppies starts to really drive me nuts and seem like insurmountable obstacles that, frankly, I don’t have the emotional investment to even want to try. Like the fact that a guy (like my current BF) just doesn’t have an opinion on anything or initiate anything. I’m as happy as the next girl to get to do what I want sometimes, but I hate being the one who has to make ALL of the decisions (including big things like being the one to ask him out or little things like what to have for dinner EVERY. SINGLE. TIME we go out). And I know that a solution could be reached, but I’m just not motivated enough to keep him to try.

And this happens every time I try a relationship. And it isn’t that I just don’t know them beforehand. Even with casual encounters I prefer to be friends first, much less trying a relationship. So I’ll have been friends with the guy and crushing on him for a month or two before I ever agree or try to initiate something more. And for a couple of months, it’ll go pretty well. But it takes me a long time to get truly attached to people. And in every relationship I’ve had, the man gets way more emotionally invested way quicker. And then they usually start to get upset that I don’t want to spend as much time with them as they do with me (even though I’ve told them from the outset that it takes me a while and that I’m one of those introverts who requires several human-free hours a day to unwind). And I resent their demands though I try to accommodate, and then get irritated over little things, and then run for the hills of singledom.

I’ve never even been in love. It’s starting to get me worried that I’m defective or something. Surely a 25 year old with an otherwise healthy social life and plenty of romantic opportunities should have fallen for somebody at some point by now, right?

I thought that maybe it was just that maybe I needed another introvert and the magic would happen. Current BF has the same level of social interest, is a great guy, and we even geekgasm over the same things. Plus I’d known and been friends with (and totally crushing on) him for a little less than two months before I asked him out. And the beginning was so promising! But yet again, after three months, I’ve hit that wall where I’m thinking, y’know, I’m not really that interesting. I have never, even in the beginning of any relationship when things are happy-fuzzy-funtimes, been emotionally invested enough to muster more than a vague sense of disappointment at the thought of a breakup. Am I broken?

I know that I do have some issues with emotional intimacy. My first real relationship threatened suicide if I ever left him within the first month of dating. (And really, what does it say about me that I left anyways?) The next one wanted both a mother and a girlfriend all rolled into one. (Which really bothered me since I’ve been completely self sufficient since 19 and am proud of it. I really value my own and any partner’s independence.) He repeatedly told me that I was the only reason he wasn’t getting back into drugs, and I had to very carefully extricate myself from that one, since he was also very emotionally fragile. So guys getting really emotionally attached rather quickly really freaks me out. And I’ve told everyone that I’ve tried to date this. I’m rather upfront about it. And they insist on doing it anyways. And once they start showing obvious signs, I get irritated at that, and then at everything, and then I just want to escape.

So any advice, Doc? Any way that I can possibly have a relationship that lasts into the longterm? Because while I’m not one of those girls who can’t be happy single, I do at times think I’d like to have a partner in life. Which results in me trying the whole relationship thing over instead of ignoring my crushes, which inevitably ends up with me feeling like a bitch for breaking up with yet another guy after just a few months. Am I doomed to serial short-term monogamy?

—Maybe I’m a Robot?

DEAR MAYBE I’M A ROBOT: I don’t think you’re defective, MIaR, I think you’re still working on your relationship style and needs. When someone is right for you, it doesn’t mean that they’re going to be right for you forever. Not every relationship is meant to be a long-term one, and the fact that you broke up didn’t mean that the relationship is a failure. Some relationships are just short-term by their nature; that doesn’t make them lesser or not valid. You may well just be a serial monogamist who has short-term flings and gets her emotional needs met through other means besides a long-term partner, and that’s totally cool, as long as you’re cool with it.

Now with all that being said: if you’re seeing patterns in every relationship you have, then you need to look at what they all have in common. And sometimes the only common denominator is you. And if you’re having the same issue over and over again, I think a lot comes down to who you’re picking and why. It seems to me that -based on what you’ve told me here – that you hold yourself back in relationships. It’s not without reason; your first two relationships were pretty bad, and you don’t want to get hung up in a bad situation again. Totally understandable. It could also be that there’s some part of you that thinks that you don’t deserve to be happy or to let someone in. This is a different situation entirely, and something you may need to work out with a counselor.

But regardless of the root cause, I have to wonder if you’re not necessarily dating people out of a sense of obligation that you should be dating someone and you end up picking people who’ll do, rather than someone you really connect with. If that’s the case, then I’m not surprised that you’re continually finding deal-breakers; you may well be subconsciously choosing people you know on some level aren’t a good fit because it makes it easier to leave them later. 

And if I’m right – and you’ll have to tell me, since you know yourself better than I do – then it’s no real wonder that your boyfriends get more attached than you do. After all, if you’re holding yourself back from opening up and really connecting with someone, then of course they’re going to fall for you faster and get more invested than you do.

If that’s the case, then the first thing I would suggest is to change your dating style until you’re ready to let people in. Right now, your boyfriends are going into this with the assumption that you’re both on the same page and looking for something that has the potential to be long-term. If you aren’t letting yourself open up to connecting and caring for them… well, you’re kinda dating in bad faith, and that’s not fair to them. It may be easier all around to stick to more casual dating then aiming for something more committed; without the pressure and/or expectation to be “official”, you may find that your interest lasts long enough that you feel comfortable opening up and investing in them.

Or, like I said, it could just be that you’re 25 and this is how you date for now. As long as you’re cool with it – and upfront with your potential partners about how you work so they can make an informed decision – there’s no real reason why you need to change if you don’t want to. The fact that this is how you’re dating now doesn’t mean that you’re going to be dating like this for the rest of your life, and it may be a while before you’re in a place where you’re ready for a long-term partner. There’s no cut-off point where you’re no longer able to have a life-partner and finding one in your late 20s (or 30s or 40s or any age) doesn’t make it any less meaningful or special.

So unless this really bothers you – not just in a “I should have an LTR” way – then it’s really not that big of a deal. If it does bother you and you want to change things, then do some soul searching, maybe talk with someone and work on it. If not then, hey, you do you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)