DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am at my wits end trying to suss out why men only see me as worthy for sex, and not a relationship. I see you advise many men on being awkward and asperger-y, but if there’s a woman one related to my issues well I’ve missed it. I’d kill for some advice.

Grew up in rural hell, overweight since age of 8, relentless teasing followed and a spate of boys asking me out as a ‘joke’. My sisters say “toxic masculinity”, but the day it started to feel more personal was when I changed schools hours apart, lost weight, AND IT HAPPENED AGAIN. So no dating for me as a teen despite wanting is ever so badly.

Hit 18, move far away to the city, get down to a respectable 140lbs and feel it’s time to come into my own. Only skeevy men (like 60 year old bar flys and 50 year old tow truck drivers) ask me out, usually hinting it’s less out than in, and I become disillusioned. After hitting clubs, becoming more confident, and even asking a guy out I liked (only to have him lick my face like a dog) I decided this wasn’t the time.

I end up in NYC, gain the weight back to about 200, and a weird version of my prior problems begins again. Men asking me out, not as a joke, but only for sex and lying about actually wanting more than pussy (I mean, yeah I know it’s not uncommon). I’m young, naive, fall for it all, finally have sex, and get into two 1.5 month relationships. The final one ends when I find out he actually had never broken up with his prior girlfriend.

My life… gets worse. An unrelated GamerGate-like situation happens and my life is ruined, I gain PTSD and an anxiety disorder, also jump to about 220 lbs higher than ever before. I try counseling, first guy is great…the rest are awful.

I end up back in NYC last year, met a man I swore I was going to marry. I finally felt good about myself and my prospects for the first time in years. It had been about 4 years between the prior 1.5 and this man. We have similar interests, I find him wildly attractive, he challenges me without putting me down, and he doesn’t do anything wildly inappropriate when we meet.

We date but once again, it’s a secret. I set a boundary: okay fine cuz I’m crazy about you, but at the 3 month mark its either real or done. First month I swear by that BS about ‘something good comes after the rain’ but then it slowly becomes my worst nightmare. Turns out in retrospect I truly believe for various reasons he is a sociopath, and he was mimicking my emotions with no sincere care or feelings of his own.

It becomes emotionally abusive and I’m stunned in my 30s with all the work I’d done on myself that I’d fall for this crap. I no longer feel good about myself, he’s constantly mocking my weight, ptsd, and fact I’m just plain not good enough. He even went to meet my family, then claimed it was never serious and I shouldn’t have read into it!!! Shockingly I ended it after watching Archer and seeing him be that way to Pam, who my asshole ex was sure Archer would never sleep with.

We unfortunately are around each other, not by choice, despite the end, and I lose all my sanity within months. He gets a new gf and tells me how she’s thin and better than me. He continues mocking the fact I was alone, so sets me up with a friend of his thats only a friends with benefit thing. That ends not badly but because that’s just not my scene man.

I have a nervous breakdown. I move away again. I see a new therapist. She seems great until one day she declares I should have just kept my legs shut then abuser wouldn’t have been a problem! I swear off therapy forever as this is not the first bad incident I’ve had (the prior good guy was like 1 in 5 attempts). I go for the weed and prozac. And now I’m alone, 32, and in rural hell again.

When I was a kid they mocked me because I wasn’t good enough. Now I’m too good at what I shouldn’t be (have traveled, have done things out in the world when they haven’t left the state line), and still bad at what I should be (weight). I seriously pursued bariatric surgery after the breakdown, but I have a hard time believing I should seriously curtail my ability to eat and drink in life so maybe a few more bar flys will find me worthy.

Online dating sucks in the city and in rural hell. I am succinct and put no hookups, all I get is hookups despite the app, the area, the pictures chosen. And frankly not having kids and not loving Trump already made the replies low in this place.

All I can conclude now is that through a decade, through thin and fat, confident and not confident, good and sane and now broken, city and rural, the only constant is me. And it must be something wrong with me. I have literally never been asked out in a manner that didn’t imply it was going right to the bedroom (or just out and out said it). The only time in my life I could get interest is when I was looking for hookups to screw the pain away over my abuser. I can go to bars, concerts, lectures, book stores, whatev and nobody ever engages me. The last guy to engage me in a thrift store told me I should wear the thin shawl I was looking at for Halloween, and only it. When I quipped that would be mighty cold he laughed and told me to tell ‘him’ (bf/husband I assume?) he tried. He had to be over 55 and looked like the old barflys.

Dr. NerdLove I am seriously at my wits end. I’m lonely, bad at reading social cues anyway (the conclusion is I’m probably on the spectrum; but no one has ever done a full test), and absolutely baffled as to why I am so unworthy of genuine love. And I’d like to stress I find older men (of good taste, not barflys of course) handsome, fat and thin I’ve been with, white and black and latino. Most of my dates I end up paying my share (the last one the guy tried to sneak his beers on my tab… I just let it slide because it was so awful and I wanted it to end). I can’t imagine wanting a clean (hygiene and appearance) guy between 25 and 60 is such a high standard. The last tinder convo I had asked me if *I* was clean STD wise…after agreeing they weren’t looking for sex. I deleted it. I’ve done POF, Match and OkCupid too.

I’m lonely as hell and about to resign to it. Please help.

Fantastic Frustrated Female 

DEAR FANTASTIC FRUSTRATED FEMALE: So here’s a secret of the advice industry, F3: sometimes it’s really hard to give an answer for people’s problems because their problem ultimately is “hey, society blows.” It’s not a satisfying answer because, well, it’s less advice and more just the advice-equivalent of a shrug. But at the same time, it can be comforting to know the problem isn’t you.

And that’s what’s happening here, F3. You’re feeling this frustration and despair because you’re a reasonable person in an unreasonable situation.

But your problem here – the thing that’s causing you the most distress – is that you’re taking things the wrong way. I’m an advocate that when you are trying to solve your dating problems, you should look for commonalities in your experiences. And, yes, sometimes the only common denominator is going to be you. But it’s incredibly easy to skip several steps and land straight on “it’s all my fault,” particularly when you have issues with depression or your self-esteem. Like Trying To Make A Choice from a few columns back, you’ve got the right data, but you’re drawing the wrong conclusions from it.

There’s a saying that I feel is relevant here: “Before you diagnose yourself with depression, first make sure that you’re not surrounded by assholes.” I would suggest a correllary: “Before you decide that you’re unlovable, first make sure you haven’t been dating assholes.” This is important because one of the commonalities you’ve discounted is that you’re dealing with a lot of assholes. And like demons of old, they are called Legion for they are many. This is in no small part because we live in a culture and society that has empowered assholes to be assholes with no real consequences. In fact, acting like an asshole is something that’s both tacitly and explicitly encouraged in men. Every time people laugh admiringly at the guy who “took his shot” by making an inappropriate comment at a woman or who backslap bros for crappy, harassing jokes, they spread the message: it’s ok to act like this. Hell, it’s cool to act like this.

And that social conditioning is a motherf

ker, because it teaches guys to not just act in ways that alienate women but it screws themselves over too. Take, for example, the guys who were into you when you were at your heavier weight. One thing larger women encounter all the time are guys who want to sleep with fat women but don’t want to date them. Sometimes it’s because they’ve been convinced that BBWs are “easier” or “desperate” and will put up with s

t that more conventionally attractive women won’t in the name of finding and keeping a man. Other times it’s because they’re legitimately attracted to large women but society has done a whammy on them; they’re more concerned about what their friends will think than owning their preferences like a goddamn adult. So they’re cool with banging a fat woman on the down-low but are embarrassed to be seen with them romantically.

And just as importantly is the fact that guys are taught that their value is in getting laid as often as possible, with as many people as possible, without getting tied down. Guys will treat you as good enough to screw but not good enough to “wife” because they’ve been taught to treat sex as a commodities exchange. It’s all part of the commodity model of sex, where women supposedly “set the price” while guys are supposed to pay as little as they get away with. So the name of the game becomes “what is the bare minimum I can give to get laid”, not “what do the two of us bring to the table that would make this great for both of us?” Combine that with the contempt guys are taught to have for women and hey, look, it’s why dating can be like dunking your head in a barrel of toxic waste.

So, yeah. You’re dealing with a lot of entitled s

theads, because society has taught guys it’s ok to act like that. The guys who feel entitled to ignore things like “not here for hook-ups” in dating profiles, the guys who think that showing up and saying “hey” is all they need to do before proposing sex, that harassing women on social media for the LULz is awesome and who think that making sexual jokes to strangers is the height of wit. Small wonder, then, that you feel lower than a snake’s ass in a drainage ditch.

Here’s what I suggest. First and foremost: TAKE A BREAK FROM DATING. I realize that you’re lonely and want companionship and love. But right now, you have been slamming your head into the wall so many times that you’re on the verge of giving yourself a concussion. You have a lot of willpower, emotional reserves and strength, but you’ve emptied the tank and you need to let them refill. That’s not going to happen as long as you’re throwing your heart and soul into the woodchipper. So put this on pause. Think of it as taking time to let an injury heal instead of continuing to aggravate it.

Next: Find a therapist that you like, who you have the right chemistry with and focus on your mental and emotional health. One of the things that a lot of people forget is that therapy is, in it own way, like dating. If you don’t have chemistry, then you’re just frustrating yourself. So make sure that you and your therapist actually have a vibe that feels right to you, that you feel like they understand you, where you’re coming from and what you’re going through. It may help to find one who’s sex-positive and has training with issues like emotional and sexual trauma. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a referral directory on their site that can help you find a certified therapist in your area. And if there are none in your area, you may be able to find one who will do sessions over Skype or Facetime. You need to focus on healing before you dive back into the dating pool. Just as taking a break from dating is letting your wounds heal, think of this as doing the work to get back into your fighting shape. It’s much easier to deal with the slings and arrows of outrageous bulls

t when you’ve taken care of yourself first.

Of course, you’re also lonely, so what do you do about this? What I suggest is that you focus on finding your people, your Team You. The people who love you, support you and have your back. These are your family of choice, the people who you bring into your life because they’ve proven to be good and kind and caring. Focusing on finding good friends and building solid, supportive social circles will help ease that loneliness you feel. But, I hear you say, that’s not the same as love or sex. And you’re right. But by putting your focus on making friends and building your social networks, you put yourself into a better position to find love – or something close enough to it – without having to jump into the shark tank. Most people find their partners, not through trawling bars or online dating, but through their friends and their activities. By prioritizing friendship – and character, and kindness – you’ll be meeting people who may not be the love of your life, but may be able to introduce you to him. And because these are good friends, people you trust, then the people you meet through them are more vetted and less likely to be the gaping rectal fissures that you’ve encountered before.

Just as importantly: take your time to get to know people before pursuing a relationship with them. While you can’t completely a

hole-proof your love-life, taking things slowly and getting to know people makes it easier to weed out the zeros and find the heroes. Finding the guys who are worth your time may take some time, but it’s better to invest those hours and days than it is to latch on to yet another asshat who’s idea of a good time is to shred your soul.

And if you decide to go back to online dating, then choose your apps carefully. Different apps have different cultures and goals. OKCupid and Tinder may be the 800 lb gorillas of online dating, but they’re also more generally oriented towards casual relationships and hook-ups. An app like Bumble that prioritizes women taking the initiative or Hinge, which is more relationship-oriented, may be far more your speed.

But more than anything else: take care of your heart and your soul. Being willing to step away because things are too much isn’t weakness or an admission of failure. It’s recognizing that you are important and that your health and happiness come before any bulls

t cultural meme about how being alone is the worst thing in the world. Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. Give yourself the love and healing that you need.

There are sh

birds out there and they are legion. But there are good people too. Finding them can take time and it can be frustrating. Many times, you may feel like you’re doomed to be forever alone. But I will tell you this truth: I have known many people who’ve been in your exact situation. Who’ve been stuck with guy after guy who told them that they were only good enough to sleep with. And you know what? They took their time, they took care of themselves and they found love. Real, genuine, lasting love.

It can be frustrating. It can be heart breaking. It can be infuriating. But love is out there. Just don’t let despair destroy you first.

You’ve got this, F3. You’re stronger than you know. Write back to let us know how you’re doing.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I know you normally do dating advice, but I’ve seen you do marriage advice too.

I have been married to my husband for 9 years. We have three kids together.

Back when he and I were dating, I went to visit him out of town (same town where my parents lived) where he had an internship. He wanted to fool around and we really didn’t have a place to go (he was living with my parents for free during his internship) and so he wanted to fool around in the car. When we finally found an empty dark parking lot, he said he wanted to get in the backseat and I told him specifically that I didn’t want to. My ex had sexually assaulted me in a car, and although I didn’t understand that’s what happened at the time, I told my (then) boyfriend that my ex had been “gross” with me in a car and it made me gross out to mess around. This made my boyfriend snap and he started yelling at me “we better not have come out all this way for nothing!” For various reasons I complied. I was scared of losing him, I didn’t know anything about consent, so I just laid there looking at the ceiling while he helped himself to a hand job from me. I wanted to break up with him, but coming from a very abusive home, I quickly blocked what happened and moved on. And we got married. And our marriage sucked but I got pregnant right away.

Fast forward to 2016 during Trump’s election and I finally have the words for what he did to me and I confront him. We fight for weeks but he owns up to it and apologizes sincerely. On New Years Eve we have sex for probably one out of three times that year and I get pregnant. Things are still rough but my hope is that with everything in the open, a new baby on the way, we can turn over a new leaf. We don’t. Once, when we were going to go see a movie with a couple that he knew (he worked with the girl) we got into a fight and he asked what I wanted to do. Crying, I said, “Please, let’s just go home” Well, he pulls up to the movie theatre, gets out and tells me that the couple will drive him home. 

Then I find out that the girl he is working with is moving away. He and I were always very comfortable with each other having opposite sex friends, and he goes to three different going away parties for this girl. I am exhausted and pregnant, plus I am also childcare for our other kids so I stay home. He tells me he’s a social person and when I come home from work and lie in bed, it’s hard on him. So he goes out. Once, while we were watching a movie on his phone, the girl who left his work is lighting up his phone and it’s almost 10pm. She’s sending text after text. I don’t know what they say. But the next day, I look at the texts. Husband and I have always felt fine with having the password for each other’s phones. Once or twice a week, we’d lose a phone and use the other’s phone to call the missing phone. I’d grab his phone if it was close to look stuff up etc.

I see texts that talk about them having lunch together. Daily. She’s talking about crying because she doesn’t want to leave. He tells her he hopes our daughters grow up to be like her. He talks about feminist theory with her. Etc. Nothing sexual. But he did lie. He told me they rarely spent time together. I pressed him on several details about the time they spent together. He lied. And after I asked a few questions about her (he didn’t know I looked through his phone) the next day, he changed his password of two years.

Once I saw that he changed his phone I told him I had seen their conversations. I told him that he had been lying about how much time they were spending together. I told him to stop texting her.

He didn’t. I caught him replying to a text she sent him about something innocuous. And then magically, she didn’t text him anymore. There were other text convos in his phone with other women. One where he told her he likes having deep conversations and low key flirting, but I can tell that she was trying to keep things friendly so I wasn’t as worried about that.

Here’s the thing. He says he didn’t sleep with the woman who he became glued to while I was pregnant. He says he didn’t have feelings for her but when I press, he doesn’t say she didn’t have feelings for him. But he lied and lied and lied to me about how much time they spent together until I told him I read his texts, and his face turned white. “Believe what you want but nothing happened.” And he was trying to making me feel like I was crazy until I had black and white proof. So I have no idea if he really took it too far with this girl.

There are very, very complicated reasons why I haven’t left, but I need to know, from a guy’s perspective, am I making this too much of a big deal?

- Doubting

DEAR DOUBTING:  I realize that you’ve got complicated reasons why you haven’t left but… Jesus H. Zombie, you really need to leave this guy. Honestly, I think you would be infinitely happier if you’d dumped him when he freaked out at you for not wanting to fool around in a way that triggered memories of having been sexually assaulted. This relationship is profoundly toxic under the most generous interpretation and it’s clearly been getting worse over time.

But hey, that’s not what you’re asking me about. You’re asking me about your husband’s behavior and if you’re blowing things out of proportion.

And honestly? I don’t think you are. Leaving my opinions about whether you should stay married to this guy aside, this is some hinky crap under the most generous of readings. Now, I’m a big believer in the value of close, emotionally intimate friendships, even when they’re between opposite sex friends. If someone is socially inexperienced, this can occasionally cause issues. Because straight men are taught that emotional intimacy is a precursor to (or equivalent to) romantic attraction, and we’re taught that women are the only people we’re allowed to be emotionally intimate with, then this can blur lines. Straight guys will often round up their friendship with women to attraction because… well, we’re actually able to be close with them. It’s not a feeling that a lot of men experience.

There’s also a phenomena known as “work spouses” – people who from an intimate (but platonic) relationship at work. There’s a closeness that can echo a romantic relationship, even when there’s no actual sex or romance involved. But to an outside observer, it could very well seem like they’re an actual couple.

So, under other circumstances, I could see why a really close friendship between a man and a woman could be read as a potential affair or even an emotional affair, even when it’s nothing of the sort.

But these aren’t those circumstances.

First there’s the fact that this has been going on during your pregnancy, at a time when you’re doing all of the work around the house and managing the kids. He’s complaining that your exhaustion is a problem for him because he’s oh so social. That alone is some lousy behavior on his part. Marriage and parenthood are, amongst other things, a series of compromises. Some of those compromises include understanding that when you have kids – and another on the way – then things change. The sex is going to be more infrequent and less involved because nobody’s got the time or the energy. Similarly, socializing is going to take a back seat to child care and household responsibilities. And while it’s good to make time so that you both don’t lose your minds in the process… well, the fact that he’s laying the blame at your feet for not entertaining him after you’ve been working yourself to exhaustion is thoughtless and selfish at best. At worst, it’s contemptuous of you.

The fact that he’s prioritizing his relationship with this woman is telling because it’s coming at a period where he feels he’s not getting his emotional, social and (presumably) sexual needs met. So it seems fairly clear that he’s decided to get those needs met elsewhere.

Now under other circumstances, this could be seen as a smidge selfish but ultimately harmless. But your husband’s behavior isn’t that of someone having a harmless, even slightly flirty friendship with someone he works with. To start with, there’s the contempt he treats you with, including bailing out of the car and declaring that she and her partner would take them home. Then there’s the way he talks with her, sharing intimacy, jokes and the like. This wouldn’t be such a big deal, except for the fact that this is intimacy and closeness that he’s denying to you. He’s neglecting you in order to pursue this relationship with his coworker.

And then there’s the lying. While I’m a believer that even married people have their right to privacy and secrecy from their partners, the fact that he lied to you about the duration and nature of his relationship with her is a pretty big goddamn sign that he knows he’s crossing a line. There’s keeping a secret because you know it would cause unnecessary drama with one’s partner, and then there’s keeping secrets because you know that you’ve breaking someone’s trust. He may not be sleeping with her – and to be honest, I question that – but he knows that what he’s doing ain’t kosher.

This is, of course, compounded by the fact that he’s been texting with other women, including one where he was pretty clearly fishing for more than just conversation. Sure, one can have flirty friendships without compromising a monogamous commitment… but again, this is part of a continuous pattern of behavior on the part of your husband.

But most of all there’s the fact that he’s low-key gaslighting you over this. The insistences that you’re crazy, that you’re overreacting, making too big of a deal of something that’s clearly innocent and moving the goal posts on what “proof” is acceptable all compound his behavior into one giant, toxic sundae.

So, yes, Doubting. This is a big goddamn deal. He may never have put any part of himself into any part of her (and I’m willing to bet that he has), but this is behavior I would be willing to call an emotional affair. If we take his behavior in isolation, then at best, he’s been neglecting you in order to pursue an intimate relationship with someone else. At best. However, we can’t separate it from his history of behavior with you, the contempt he treats you with and the callous disregard for your feelings and the relationship that the two of you share.

So from this guy’s perspective, yeah, you have every right to be pissed about all of this. This is awful, toxic behavior that’s in line with awful, toxic behavior he’s been exhibiting for the duration of your relationship.

This isn’t going to get better. No amount of love, effort or children are going to fix a relationship when one partner has so contemptuously checked out. I’m really hoping that you’re asking for my opinion because you’re looking for a casus belli to finally pull the trigger and leave his ass, Doubting. I hope this is the motivation to de-complicate things because, bluntly, you need to DTMFA and GTFO.

Good luck. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 13 year old, in 7th grade. Recently, I wrote an a note to my best friend anonymously in my 3rd period and stuck it in his locker. He read it, and because we’ve been best friends for 4 years, he knew my handwriting and told me he knew it was me…

Not only did I not think about my handwriting, but I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS HIS LOCKER COMBO! So he immediately knew it was me. I told him is was a dare so he shrugged it off and we were still hanging out. Then he gave me his number, which is a huge step because he’s not allowed to have girl’s phone numbers, but his parents made an exception for me. So I don’t know whether to ask him out and risk my friendship or not ask him out. I really do like him and we have A LOT in common. I mean, heck, both of us have both of us have all 3 of our electives together. Band, Jazz Band, and Spanish. So IDK what to do…

You tell me…

Crushed Out

DEAR CRUSHED OUT: Honestly, CO, I’m a believer in getting in the habit of owning your feelings for people and being up front about it. Now to be fair: when you’re 13, attraction can feel complicated and weird. Thirteen year olds don’t have a lot of experience on top of the social craziness of junior high and the swirling mass of hormones and your brains changing and maturing. It’s like trying to play chess while riding a rollercoaster at the same time. So you’re not entirely wrong in that confessing your feelings for him might risk your friendship; the teen years are frustrating that way.

But here’s the thing. First of all: you’ve been best friends for years. That’s a pretty solid bond, especially at your age. That makes me think the two of you could pull this off. Second: he gave you his number after he found your note. Something tells me that he didn’t buy your line about it just being a dare. I suspect that he’s low-key trying to tell you he’s kinda into you too. So that’s a positive sign too.

Most importantly though: I think that getting used to telling people you like them instead of hiding it like a deep dark secret will serve you well growing up. Getting in the habit of being willing to act on your feelings early on helps keep you from situations where you’ve had a crush on someone for months or years and now you’re afraid to do anything because you’ve felt this way for so long that it feels like it would destroy you to be turned down. Telling someone you’re interested in them early on or asking them out on a date helps keep you from getting stuck in the middle of wanting to say something but being afraid to. Plus: acting sooner rather than later means that you don’t run the risk of someone else asking them out first.

I’m just sayin’, a whole lotta drama could be avoided if people spoke up about their crushes a lot freaking sooner.

Anyway, I’d suggest telling him you’d like to go out with him and if he’s not interested, hey that’s cool too, nothing’s going to have to change. People will take their lead from how you act. If you don’t act like it’s a big deal, then he won’t treat it like a big deal. And if he says no… well, maybe things will be awkward for a bit, but the two of you can push through that awkwardness and come through as friends on the other side.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This is going to be a question that has been talked about a lot all over the internet; I’m writing this since I trust your judgement more than random dudes on Reddit or whatever.

I’m a straight/cis geeky guy from Finland (so sorry about my possibly weird English). I’m 27 and a virgin by pretty much any standard — that is, no physical or emotional intimacy with anyone ever.

To offer some background, I’ve always been really passionate about (and successful with) my studies, work and hobbies, but for the longest I had some serious social anxiety and probably also some form of depression (but I never sought help for it); for most of my university years I didn’t even have any friends. In early 2015 I started to seriously work on my social skills and style (your site and book have certainly helped me with this!) and seeing a therapist. It was roughly a year ago when I started getting actual compliments from my friends at work, sometimes from random people in bars etc.

So I thought about trying online dating and created a profile on OkCupid. Around here OKC is basically known as a dating site that’s especially popular among people who care about issues like feminism and social justice, and are generally left-wing/green, and this is why I joined OKC too.

I found lots of people who looked awesome based on their profiles (and who had high match percentages with me), but looking at their questions, I would very nearly always find that I have a serious red flag in my answers: any question about dating virgins or dealing with virginity comes up as a conflict or mismatch.

In my area I found *one* (1) woman who had a fair amount of answers and didn’t seem to consider virginity a deal-breaker, but I had a very low match percentage with her for other reasons.

So my virginity is a huge, huge deal. I should mention that apart from some Muslim immigrants, there are basically no people in my country who abstain from sex for religious reasons, which maybe explains why it’s unheard-of to be a virgin in your 20s, unlike in the US. I was really discouraged by this experience and ended up not messaging anyone.

So what should I do? I’m obviously not going to pick up some random girl from a nightclub who is too drunk to notice that I’m inexperienced, nor would I expect to learn anything from an experience like that. Is it unethical to try to seriously date someone while you’re hiding something that you KNOW would be a dealbreaker if they knew?

Never Been Kissed

DEAR NEVER BEEN KISSED: First of all, I want to give you full credit, NBK: you’re doing everything right. You’ve made a lot of improvements to your life and you’re dealing with some of those emotional issues in the best way possible. So, straight up: congratulations. You’ve made a lot of progress, and you should be proud of what you’ve achieved and the work you’ve been putting in. I want to see you continue to improve, so let’s get you over this particular hurdle.

As is frequently common, I think the problem you’re having is different from the problems you think you’re having, NBK. You seem to be having a lot more issues with things in theory rather than in practice. Right now, you’re letting your impression of how people may react get in the way of taking the plunge and starting some conversations. And hey, I get it; you’ve been living with the idea that being a virgin is shameful for a long time and it can seem like these mismatches are giant dealbreakers. To which I would say… maybe they are. But maybe they aren’t.

Now, before I get too deep into the weeds with OKCupid’s system (which, in fairness, gets tweaked fairly often), let’s talk a little about virginity and disclosure.

First: there’s really nothing shameful about being an older virgin. Most of the stigma surrounding virginity tends to spring from toxic ideas surrounding masculinity – though God knows that women get hit with this too. Some people are late bloomers. Some people had life-circumstances that precluded sex or relationships. A very good friend of mine was a virgin until marriage; he and his wife are deliriously happy and have a horde adorable kids now. Life is nothing if not full of wondrous variety.

But here’s the thing: right now, the only person who’s really getting on your case about your virginity… is you. There’s a lot of self-directed shame here, and I think you’ve absorbed a lot of BS myths surrounding being a virgin. You had a later start than people and that’s fine. Life’s not a race and there aren’t any prizes for being on the left side of the loss-of-virginity bell curve. It’s not going to make that much of a difference in your relationships; everyone starts from the same place, and any relationship is a learning process. Your lack of experience is only going to be as much of a detriment as you let it be. Even when it comes to the physical side of things, as long as you’re willing to listen, take directions and be as mindful of your partner’s pleasure as your own, you can still be an amazing lover.

So should you tell people? Or should you conceal it?

As a general rule, I’m pro-disclosure. If there’s something about you that might be polarizing – which could be anything from severe food allergies, to having kids, to being in an open relationship, to whether you have herpes – then yes, I usually suggest being up front about it and mentioning it so that people can make informed decisions about whether or not they may want to date you.

However!

I’m also conscious that stigma is a thing and can often cause people to recoil reflexively from folks who might be a great partner if the first person didn’t have that knee-jerk reaction. So while I’m pro-disclosure, I tend to give a certain amount of wiggle-room. I don’t necessarily feel that everything needs to be disclosed up front. I think that it’s not unreasonable, especially on the first or second date, to not bring things up that aren’t immediately relevant. That’s not to say that you get carte blanche to hide it or lie about it or never bring it up… but to my mind, it’s not unreasonable to give someone the chance to get to know you before they make their decision about said issue. Obviously, you do disclose to them – you want to give them the option to decide whether to continue seeing you or not – but sometimes getting to know a person helps break through the stereotype of “People who do/have X are all like this!” Or it might help them realize that said deal-breaker isn’t quite as important in the scheme of things with this particular person.

So, I don’t think that you’re committing any great sin by leaving the fact that you’re a virgin off your dating profile. You have my blessing to ditch all your answers and start over.

One of the nice things about OKCupid’s questions is that you can skip them if they’re likely to decrease your match percentages.

I think that if you want to hold off on talking about your virginity until you and your date have had a chance to connect and see if there’s any chemistry, you’re well within your right to do so. Just remember: when you do bring it up, don’t roll it out like it’s something awful that you’re ashamed of. It’s not a drawback, it’s a bonus. Like I always say: people tend to take their cues about issues from you. If you present it as no big deal – hey, you were focused on school! – then 9 times out of 10, they won’t treat it like a big deal either. And the 1 out of 10 who does have a bad reaction? They’ve shown that they were someone you didn’t want to be dating in the first place. They learned one thing about you and you learned everything about them.

But let’s talk about those matches you haven’t been messaging. See, one of the things about OKCupid’s match percentage calculations is that people can weight their responses. They can say that an issue is Very Important, Somewhat Important or A Little Important. The heavier they weight their answer, the more it subtracts from your match percentage. So if you have a high match score with someone, but your questions about sexual experience don’t line up? It’s pretty clear that these issues don’t rank so highly in their list of Must-Haves that it throws you out of the running. For all you know, they very well may be thrilled by the idea of being somebody’s first… but now you’ll never have a chance to find out because you decided that they could never be into you.

So whether you do or don’t change your answers, don’t let your pre-suppositions about how other people will react keep you from taking a chance. If you never ask anyone out, you’ll never find the awesome people who aren’t concerned with how many people you have or haven’t slept with.

TL;DR – If you want to leave out that you’re a virgin, then go ahead. But your virginity is nothing to be ashamed of, and you really shouldn’t let your fear keep you from simply trying to start those conversations.

Good luck, NBK. And write back to let us know how things are going for you.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a freshman (19 years old) at a small American liberal arts college. So far, college life has been going really well for me; I’m making friends, engaging myself academically, and doing extracurriculars. But there’s still something I can’t figure out.

I never dated in high school, and I can’t get myself to ask anyone out here at school either. I guess a lot of it comes from a pathological desire not to be creepy; since I can’t be 100% sure that girls are interested in me, I don’t want to ask anyone I know out. Making people uncomfortable is the last thing I want to do.

I’m a little worried. It seems like lots of people are really sexually active; like everyone I know but me is getting it on all the time. Does the fact that I haven’t engaged anyone romantically yet mean that I’m somehow a bad person or that I need help? My college does offer free therapy, but I’d feel bad using that resource if it takes time away from those who need it more than I do. I guess I’m just confused and a little worried about my future, in terms of sexuality and romantic stuff.

Slightly Worried College Kid

DEAR SLIGHTLY WORRIED COLLEGE KID: First of all, SWCK: use the resources you have available to you. College can be a confusing, stressful time. Most people are out on their own for the first time and that can leave a lot of people feeling lost and adrift. Those counselors are there specifically to help you unpack these issues and develop the skills to navigate this strange new world you’re in. So don’t hesitate to take advantage of them – especially now when it’s free.

Second: aside from having some needless anxiety, there’s really nothing wrong with you. Like I was telling Never Been Kissed: the fact that you don’t have much relationship experience doesn’t mean anything other than “you don’t have much relationship experience,” and that’s not a bad thing. Some folks come to it later than others. I didn’t lose my virginity until well into my sophomore year, so you’re hardly the last American virgin.

And something to keep in mind: college isn’t the all-encompassing sex-fest that a lot of people think it is. It sure as hell can feel like it, especially when you feel like you’re being left out of the party. But the fact you’re not neck deep in strange doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you or that you’re the only person who’s not taking part.

But let’s talk creepers for a second. There’s nothing creepy about wanting sex, nor is there anything creepy about asking somebody out on a date, even if you’re not 100% sure they’re into you. You have to use your best judgement and take a chance. And if you get shot down… well, it stings, but it’s not the end of the world. Plus: part of the way you learn to read people and develop your ability to tell who’s into you and who isn’t is by asking and seeing who says yes and who says no.

I’ve covered the topic of creepers in almost exhaustive detail at this point, but there’s a fairly simple way to avoid being creepy: just be mindful of the person you’re talking to. And if you realize you’re making someone uncomfortable, then just apologize and adjust your behavior accordingly. I talked about how you can avoid creepy behavior on a recent episode of the podcast, so go give it a listen.

So talk to your counselors about your anxiety, and go out and be social. You’ll be just fine.

I promise.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)