DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ll admit, this isn’t a question related to romantic relationships, but rather to familial relationships, although I do believe that the advice I’ll receive could be generalized to friendships and other relationships:

I’ve finished university, I’ve started a job hunt, I’m moving into a place that I’ve found, and I’m ready to get out into the world and be An Adult (TM). Unfortunately, one of my parents does not appear to be ready for that. Parents, they worry, right? And they wonder what their kids are up to, right? Well, I think there is an extent to which a parent can worry before it becomes excessive AND MY MOTHER HAS CROSSED THAT THRESHOLD SEVERAL TIMES OVER.

I’ve lived away from home for the entire decade I spent in university, yet I get “Catch a taxi or a bus home, don’t walk; let me know when you get home.” texts even though I know the city well enough to know when and where I can walk alone safely. Heck, I’m expected to text “Good night” every single night.

I receive texts multiple times per day, every day. Each answered text often leads to a flood of buzzing as I end up in a text version of “Twenty Questions”. And heaven forbid if I choose to ignore a text. “Hello?” “HELLO?” “HELLOOOOOOO”. Then come the phone calls. And more texts until I answer. Heck, today I decided to stop responding to a line of questioning to take a dump and grab a shower. Twenty minutes – five phone calls (three to my cell, two to the landline) and multiple texts.

Nothing is off limits. How was my day? What am I doing? Where am I? Am I at home? How was such-and-such-thing I mentioned doing? Have I done this or that thing that I’m supposed to do? And, in the case of the latter, CONSTANT AND REPETITIVE REMINDERS TO DO THESE THINGS. Deep down, I’m convinced that she genuinely does not believe me to be capable of doing ANYTHING without these reminders and without hand-holding through the entire process.

And the automatic justification “It’s a mother thing.” that brushes off any and all inappropriate behaviour. And there’s no reasoning with her. In one ear and out the other. “Mothers, they worry” just wipes away the dependency and anxiety issues that literally everyone I know comments about when I tell them anything that she does.

Anyways, now that I’m moving to a new place and entering a new phase in my life, I believe it’s essential that I create and enforce A LOT OF BOUNDARIES. So I’m looking for some advice as to how to do so effectively. I don’t want to cut her out of my life entirely, but I would like for her to not be a constant, nagging presence. “Do you miss me?” “No, I can’t miss you. You won’t leave me alone!”

Regards,

– My Beloved Smother

DEAR MY BELOVED SMOTHER: One of the hardest parts of enforcing your boundaries is dealing with the people who think that they’re the exception to the rule. There will always be people who are offended that not only do you have boundaries, but that those boundaries apply to them. They’ll be the ones who will argue with you about why you shouldn’t object to pushing the line and making inappropriate demands on you. Why are you being such a jerk, don’t be such a killjoy, it’s only a joke, people are having fun, I’m your mother, I’m allowed to do this.

What makes it tricky is how often we all give in to the (admittedly understandable) temptation to explain or argue with them about why the thing they did isn’t cool or why you’re not being a jerk for telling them no. Problem is that once you start arguing with them about why you’re saying no and why it’s not cool of them to push, then you’ve been put on the defensive. By arguing with them, you’ve tacitly accepted their terms – that you now need to justify your right to have those boundaries in the first place. The moment you start to justify or explain why, then you’ve entered into the first stages of negotiation. Now they’re going to pound the “come on, be reasonable” argument at you and the “It’s not that bad” argument and the “but we’re family” exception until you feel like the jerk for saying “no” in the first place.

The key then, is simple: you don’t explain and you don’t rationalize. You don’t need to justify your boundaries’ existence. You don’t need to explain why you think their behavior is inappropriate or unwelcome. You don’t need to give a sufficient reason why they can’t call you at all hours or make demands that you take on responsibilities that aren’t yours in the first place. All they need to know is that you have said “no”.

The hard part is saying “no” and making it stick. This can be especially hard when you’re dealing with parents, who can throw parental concern at you. Can’t you see how you’re making your poor mother suffer like this? How can you be so inconsiderate?

Now the answer is “very easily”, because they’re being inconsiderate of you. But in practice it’s difficult. We’re all taught not to be rude, to be considerate and that saying “no” so bluntly is rude. But it’s what you need to do.

Since she’s not going to respect your boundaries, you have to be the one to make it clear that her behavior isn’t welcome and that it’s not going to work. That means that you  have to tell her that she can’t text you at all hours or insist that you call as soon as you get home. And after you do, then you don’t respond to her constant calls and texts. She gets one response: “I told you I’m busy and I’ll talk to you later”. After that, she doesn’t get any responses from you. That means you ignore those calls and texts until you decide it’s time to call back. If that means muting your phone, assigning a silent ringtone to their contact or hiding alerts from them, then so be it. You made it clear where you stood and how this would work. If she doesn’t want to respect that, then she can deal with the frustration of not hearing from you.

Of course, when you do call her back – on your schedule – she’s going to get in your face. She’s going to make a fuss about how could you be so rude and inconsiderate. You can’t let yourself get drawn into a discussion about why it’s bad for you to ignore your mother or make her worry. The only thing you can say is “I’m sorry you worry, but I told you I’m not responding to texts or calls until X time.” “I’m sorry you feel that way but I told you how this was going to work.” Regardless of how she argues, regardless of what she throws at you, the only thing you should do is reaffirm that boundary in the first place. Not “here’s why”, not “here’s a compromise” but “I told you X, so it’s going to be X and I’m sorry if you don’t like that.” As angry as she may get, as much guilt as she may throw at you, stay strong and just be a broken record. Eventually she will get the hint. And if she doesn’t, then she can be the one who gets frustrated by your refusal to budge.

You need to draw the lines very, very clearly for your mother and stick to them. The first time you give in on the rules you set and the boundaries you establish, people will understand that your boundaries are optional, not mandatory. So you have to remain firm, no matter how difficult it may be or how guilty you feel about it. “No” is a complete sentence, but sometimes it’s the hardest one to say.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have this guy friend that I’ve been hooking up with on-and-off for years. Basically I kind of used him as an ego boost when I was way less mentally healthy or getting rejected by someone. Not great behavior on my end, I know, but I was dumber and had such low self-esteem that anyone finding me attractive was a miracle.

Anyway, I’m in a much healthier place mentally and have a great new boyfriend who I do actually like a lot. This former FWB knows it (he Facebook liked it anyway).

For the next part to make sense, I’m bisexual. Anyway, today I was out and a girl who set off my gaydar complimented my dress. I posted about it on Twitter and former FWB said “make out with her to show your thanks”. First of all, I hate my bisexuality being fetishised. Secondly, I know he’s joking, but it also demonstrates that he’d be into me making out with a random lesbian because he’d find it hot. And this isn’t the first time he’s made me uncomfortable. He’s just been overly touchy when I’m not interested anymore.

And I know he hits on basically any girl around. One of our mutual friends (who I’m closer to than this dude) gets hit on by him and she’s married. I feel like if I ever brought my new boyfriend around this group he’d either hit on me or be an asshole to him (I’ve seen him be really cold to another guy I dated).

Honestly, I would just stop talking to this guy except for our mutual friends. I do have several friends that are also his friends, and I really only get to see them when we’re in a group, in which he’s always there. I don’t know how to tell this dude he kind of creeps me out. Any advice?

– Awkward Ex Attack

DEAR AWKWARD EX ATTACK: Honestly, the best thing you can do is just be blunt and say “dude, you’re acting like a creep.” One of the reasons why the creeper friends and Missing Stairs tend to linger in social circles is because nobody ever calls them out on their bulls

t. People get caught up in the Geek Social Fallacies that say we’re supposed to accept people exactly as they are and that ostracizing people for being weird or awkward is inherently bad. There’s an understandable desire to avoid “drama”, even if we tend to blame people who point out the drama instead of the ones causing it. But the fact is, unless someone steps up and says “Hey, not cool”, this guy’s going to keep going to be being an annoying sex-pest. Some folks are habitual line-steppers and they’re never going to change until someone smacks them across the nose and says “NO! BAD!”

And if nobody else is going to do it, then it may as well be you.

So the next time he starts acting like a jackass, call him on it. Let your face get serious and say “That’s not cool, knock that off.” “That’s not funny, knock it off.” “She doesn’t appreciate your hitting on her, cut it out.” “You’re making people uncomfortable, stop it.” As with My Beloved Smother, you don’t need to explain or indulge his defenses. He’ll tell you it’s just a joke. You say “it’s not funny and nobody likes it, stop doing that.” He’ll ask you why you’re being a bitch. You say “Nobody appreciates that, knock it off.” What’s wrong, you used to be cool. “You’re acting like a creep, cut it out.” She didn’t tell me to stop. “I’m telling you it’s inappropriate, so stop.”

There’s going to be that awkward moment at first when you’re taking a stand where nobody else has before. You’re going to feel like you’re out there on your own. That’s a risk. But I’m more than willing to bet that others in your social circle – especially the other women – will appreciate someone speaking up. I’m willing to bet that once someone has broken the silence, the dam will burst and other folks will feel empowered to say something too.

It may also be worth reaching out to your other friends to talk about your ex FWB before the next time you all get together. A lot of times, people will assume that nobody really has a problem with the Creepy Friend because nobody has said anything up until now. Your bringing your discomfort to the group’s attention may well be the first step to finally doing something about that particular Missing Stair.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I… have a problem with disappearing and I think I need the Chair Leg of Truth. I keep having to deal with other people’s very, very inconvenient crushes on me. 

Example #1: I gave up my the forums of my beloved hobby when Married Sad Boner Dude “fell in love” with me. He refused to stop talking about how in love with me he was, or work on his relationship with his wife, so I faded. Not before he threatened to kill himself and implied that I, his True Love could save him by encouraging him to make an intercontinental move to court me.

Example #2: I moved away from my hometown when College Experiment with Heterosexuality Sad Boner Dude was “uncomfortable” with the fact that I insisted upon living near him (which is to say: living with my mother, two hours away). I’m not attending reunions and I donate anonymously to my college, because OMG what if the poor dear gets triggered by seeing my name the way he was when he saw me from the train that one day? (To be fair, we did have a serious case of the zombie relationship, and I don’t blame him for being relieved to see my toxic-to-him ass retreating.) I gave up all my college friends that had any association with him, too. That hurts to this day.

Example #3: I started working remotely when Sad Boner Co-Worker got a crush on me and started acting in a frightening and quasi-stalkery manner. Good luck advancing in my career without being allowed to come into the office more than once a month!

Example #4: I faded from a local con and skipped the workshop I’d paid for last year when Sad Boner Dance Dude decided that I was The One and refused to let me talk to my friends and tried to follow me to my hotel at 3 a.m. I am going back to that con this year. Maybe. I dunno.

Example #5: I just f-locked the archives and all entries for the foreseeable future on my blog, which was middling popular, because another Married Sad Boner dude kept defiantly trampling my boundaries, getting angry when I refused to chat with him while I was busy at work or at dinner with my daughter, trying to sexually dominate me and requesting to see my ass on video chat.

Doctor Nerdlove, I don’t know what to do.

I am RIGHT UPFRONT about being lesbian, about not being even remotely interested in romantic relationships and kind of disgusted by sex with anyone but myself. By PUA standards, I’m a Midwest two when I make the effort, and I never, ever make the effort. I guess I’m kind and friendly and a little funny, and I try to appreciate how awesome every individual is in their own right, but I mention that I’m not available or interested in romance in any way, shape or form. I’ve even tried not bringing it up. That makes it worse. Not saying “not interested” at the beginning and end of every sentence to a Sad Boner Dude feels like he’s going to pounce and say, “Aha! You didn’t say ‘Simon Says,’ NOW YOU HAVE TO MARRY ME. Or at least let me call you my fiancée until I lose interest and wander off.”

The worst thing is, these are good men. They’d be horrified if they read this letter. They’d write me eight-page SAD PANTSFEELS LETTERS about how it wasn’t like that! If you publish this letter, readers of yours will be curling up like they’ve been nutkicked because they’ve done something that remotely resembles this and they feel personally attacked.

But for me, it is like that. Suicide threats. Being followed at night. Getting cornered at the office by a nightmarish 6’3″ ex-cop who keeps telling everyone about how women make things about abuse up, who then turns up in your parking lot at one in the morning blaring Barry White because he “finds you attractive.” Getting badgered because I’m hanging out with my family instead of worshiping the boner, even though a boner, for me, is a Lovecraftian Elder God with whom I want no truck. Eight-page SAD PANTSFEELS letters.

How do I prevent guys getting crushes on me and mistaking them for an excuse to ignore clearly stated boundaries? Look, I’m sure women do this too, but it’s not a problem I’ve run into with women. And for that matter, what do I do with these Sad Boner Men? When guys do get crushes on me, is there a more constructive response than “three strikes, and I run screaming, because it’s super-mean to exist and not want to be someone’s prize, even though I’ve skipped to the end of that particular book and, spoiler, horrific ruins for everyone and no-one has any fun getting there and the car chases suck”? It feels like I’m cruel to keep visibly existing, but it’s almost always in my own space. Also, I feel like this is one of the reasons you don’t see women in male-dominated fields: there’s this thing where guys fixate on women and the women leave. I really hate the thought of contributing to that. I want to grow a spine, but dang. It’s mean to them and sometimes feels dangerous to me to hang around. I want my blog back. I want my forums back. My mom wants me to visit her.

Is there something I’m missing here? I already carry a taser. Or am I being unreasonable? You’d tell me if I was being unreasonable, right?

Thanks,

The (Vanishing) Villain in the Rom Com

DEAR (VANISHING) VILLAIN IN THE ROM COM: Let’s get this out of the way up front, VVRC: there’s really nothing you can do to prevent someone else from feeling things. Unless you’re secretly Killgrave from Jessica Jones, you can’t control other people’s emotions or feelings. You can lay out the reasons why you’ll never, ever, ever be into them. You can tell them all the reasons why trying to pursue you is a horrible idea. But at the end of the day, people have free will. That means that people are capable of choosing to make incredibly stupid decisions – even when everyone else is yelling at them not to.

Sometimes it’s a case of dudes who’re choosing to chase someone they instinctively know are “safe” – people who they know will never love them, so they never have to deal with the paradoxical fear of success. Other times, they feel like “saving” someone is the way to “earn” a relationship. It doesn’t matter that there’s nothing to actually “save” her from – they see things like being asexual or aromantic as a mighty quest. And it certainly doesn’t help that we grow up steeped in pop culture that tells us persistence and stalker-like behavior are the keys to women’s hearts.

Now with that in mind, one of the things I’m always saying is “once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy act^H^H^H something you’re doing wrong.” When somebody is dealing with a recurring issue with people in their lives, they need to start looking at what all of those relationships have in common. And sometimes the only common denominator is… well, you. I’m not saying that you’re doing anything wrong, per se, but it’s worth examining the similarities with those men and your relationship with them. If, for example, you’re dealing with people who are poorly socialized or who are extremely awkward, then you may have your first indicator of what’s wrong. There are some people who will take any sign of friendliness as romantic interest and create a massive fantasy about how you are Their One True Love out of thin air. It doesn’t matter that they’re the wrong gender or that sex is completely off the table for you; it’s their fantasy and you’re stuck going along for the ride.

Or it could well be that behavior you see as friendly is coming off as flirting with intent. There’re plenty of people who didn’t realize that what was normal behavior in their small social circle would be seen as a mating call anywhere else. If, for example,  you’re an especially touchy-feely person or someone who likes having cuddle-buddies, you might be confusing people who try to gloss over your homosexuality or asexuality with d

kful thinking. This is a time when it is useful to check in with friends. How would they describe your behavior with these dudes? Is it exactly as you’re saying? Or are you giving off the wrong signals, signals you may not even realize exist?

But sometimes it really isn’t anything you’re doing. You could be sending off every “piss off” signal in the world and they’d blithely ignore it all.

Unfortunately, the answer may well lie in adjusting where you spend your time and who you spend your time with. If this is so consistent, you may have to dial back any friendliness and work on your Resting Bitch Face until you can be assured that you’re dealing with someone who’s got their emotional s

t together. It may also mean that you have to be less open to friends until they’ve proven themselves to be emotionally intelligent, grown-ass adults.

This also means that you can’t be subtle or less than completely blunt with folks if you suspect that they’re starting to get pantsfeels. This means that you can’t just hint at previous girlfriends or that sex makes your skin crawl, it means stating it unambiguously. Forget the Chair Leg of Truth, you need the Mallet of Driving The Point Home. And even then, there will be people who will let their fantasies override their rational brains.

And that’s when you have to enforce your boundaries, with fire, razorwire and knives. You do a lot of running away when it may be better to go on the offensive. Someone who persists in sending you long rambling messages gets blocked. Someone acting inappropriately at work gets a report – or several – to HR. Someone who gets all BUT WHAT ABOUT MY PANTSFEELS on chat, social media or the blog gets SUPER blocked. They get introduced to your alter ego: Queen Bitch, First of Her Name, Lady of Don’t Touch Me Or You Pull Back a Bleeding Stump. It may feel mean, but you know what? Sometimes the only way to get someone to give up on their fantasy is to stomp a muddy hole into it with the Dream-Stomping Boots of Reality. It may be cruel, but it’s kinder in the long run… to you at the very least.

None of this is easy, or particularly fun. But if this is happening so often that it chases you away from everything you do, then it’s time to spit in your hands choke up on the Chair Leg and dispensing some brutal honesty about the head and shoulders.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: The other day, I went to a Comic-Con cosplay event. No big deal, I regularly go to these kinds of things, it’s fine. During the run-up to the event, I learned out that a former high-school classmate, “L”, is also going. Since I’d always had a minor crush on her, this struck me as an awesome opportunity. I think maybe we can catch up, reminisce, whatever.  But when the night rolled around, I ended up freezing in place instead.

I thought I was prepared, but during the qualifier for the cosplay championship started, I watched L make an astounding entrance, all  dressed up and ready to rock! I tried to talk, but I choked. I couldn’t handle the  double-whammy of a) seeing her on stage like a celebrity and b) for the rest of the night, she was surrounded by other people and that intimidated me.

I was fine with everyone else during the party afterwards, but  when it comes to L, it feels like I reverted back to my high school days, emotionally.  It certainly didn’t help that she had this mischievous sly grin whenever she glanced my way. Every single time it was like getting a bullet of butterflies to my gut.

A few hours after the party, I sent L a text that said that I wanted to approach her and talk, but got nervous cause of the setting. I proposed that we meet somewhere quieter.

Should I have sent that, is it weird, is it too ambiguous and should I follow up with a firm date and time?

Thanks for listening, 

Flipped, Reversed, Confused

DEAR FLIPPED, REVERSED, CONFUSED: One of the things you leave out of your letter FRC, is whether you and she actually had plans to hang out and catch up or if this was just something you were hoping to make happen. If it was the former, there’s nothing wrong with saying “hey, you seemed like you were busy with an adoring crowd and I didn’t feel like it’d be a good time to catch up. Would you like to grab coffee this weekend?”

If it’s the latter… well, that’s a slightly trickier needle to thread. It’d be better to have said “Hey, I saw you at the cosplay contest, way to rock it! Wanted to come say ‘hi’ afterwards, but you were surrounded by people and I’m not great with crowds. I’d love to catch up; would you like to grab coffee and chat later on this weekend when things are less busy? How’s Sunday afternoon for you?” than to say “hey, let’s get together when there aren’t as many people around” out of the clear blue sky.

As a general rule, if you’re making first contact – or reinitiating contact after a long time apart – then it’s better to suggest a specific activity at a specific place and time. The local coffeeshop or tea house on a slow afternoon, for example, is easier to say “yes” to than just “some place quieter” and “some time”. Plus, proposing to meet some place quieter when you didn’t have previous plans and aren’t normally in contact can seem a bit much; not “I’d like to wear your flesh like a suit” weird, but a smidge presumptuous.

But it is what it is and you can’t un-send a text. So the only thing to do now is wait and see if she replies and what she says. If she says sure, then respond with a specific place and time. Otherwise? You took your shot, and it didn’t work the way you hoped. Take this as a soft “no” and resolve to not let the crowds intimidate you so much next time.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I read your article from a while back titled Cutoff Culture And the Myth of Closure (nrdlv.co/2zycfwy), and you said in it that people don’t have the right to expect you to talk to them after a breakup under any circumstance. You also said that and that no one is obligated to give closure to another person. I can sympathize with that opinion, but I wonder if it in your opinion also extends to people having the right to end friendships with no need to explain themselves? See, I’ve been seeing this girl for like 6 years. Nothing too serious, we would go out like every 2 months or so (both lazy and not too eager to call first), but then suddenly she said she started seeing someone else, but had been hesitant to tell me. I never minded her seeing other people (which she claims she didn’t do throughout our time going out) – all that mattered to me was that she’d still be available to me. Alas, she said she no longer wanted to do stuff with me. Of course she threw in the classic line about wanting to still be friends and meet up and spend time platonically.

After careful consideration I decided I didn’t want that – I’ve gotten so used to hanging out with her for not just friendly talks but also hanky-panky, that I found such a downgrade unbearable. I texted her some time afterward and she said she wasn’t seeing anyone at the moment, but that she still didn’t want to get back to doing stuff with me. She gave me several reasons, like us not seeing each other often enough (never spoke up about it earlier, I swear!), and me seeing other girls – to which she only made her dismay apparent very shortly before the “breakup”.

Of course I’m not like all those “nice guys” who feel entitled to something. She had every right to not want to do anything with me anymore. But it hurt me, it hurt me bad. I only then realized I had grown really attached to that girl. We both claimed not to want a relationship (which perplexes me all the more considering her sudden desire for exclusivity, while at the same time it not being a relationship, lol), but seeing each other for so long was bound to make at least one of us emotionally attached. Anyway, what I decided to do is to not accept her continuing friendship, but to cut off altogether. As I mentioned earlier, I find this sort of downgrade unbearably degrading, because I don’t really see any value in the relationship, unless it maintains its sexual component. Call it Friend Zone anxiety or whatever – I know many guys do reluctantly keep such friendship and torment themselves, but I just thought it would be better for me (was tempted to say “both of us” for a minute there, but I’m not that noble) to just distance myself from her and forget about her.

The thing is, this reaction was most strongly fueled by pride and dignity (rooted in insecurity, perhaps?). I realize that this rationalization of mine is probably quite misplaced, since the chick had been into me and does consider me attractive. Still, for some reason this fact doesn’t make me feel any less humiliated, and I still feel as if she wanted to Friend Zone me. I know, I know, women don’t Friend Zone men, men do it to themselves for not having the balls to just go away – which I’m trying to do. But some people would also perhaps say that through my own aloofness I’m jeopardizing a valuable friendship. Well the problem is that I don’t do male-female friendship strictly out of the conviction that if a woman sees you as a friend, you’re not good enough to be a lover. And yeah, it’s humiliating too.

So yeah, of course I’m not entitled to sex or even interest from any women, but I believe it’s therefore only fair to say that they are not entitled to my friendship, emotional support etc. I do have the right to refuse to continue a relationship that I feel drains and hurts me. Call it selfish, call it childish, but I just can’t get over the fact that I’m no longer sexually fit for a woman who used to think I was just fine not too long ago.

I just very recently had a similar experience with a long-term “friendship” that started with texting on Badoo, then we met, hugged and kissed and slept in one bed (for some reason I opted not to initiate intercourse, but not sure to what degree it’s a problem in this case), and then I thought that would be the status quo – to my disappointment it turns out that after her recent breakup she doesn’t wanna do stuff with me anymore. We live in different cities so we haven’t seen each other since that last visit, and it’s been almost 2 years. She said she’s not looking for anyone at the moment, that she’s growing jaded and has been through too much. I’m not even sure whether to believe her or she’s just sayin that stuff to not have to tell me she’s not attracted to me anymore (if she ever was). But it disappoints me a lot. She also gave me those classic, humiliating lines like “i really value our friendship, you’re a great human being but I guess that’s it” – and that was my cue to leave.

So tell me – is it wrong for me to have maintained a long distance relationship working entirely on the assumption that I’d be able to sleep with that chick in the future, which I totally wouldn’t have done hadn’t I thought she’d let me? I also like her as a person, but obviously I’m cutting off too, which I do feel bad about. But I don’t want a strictly platonic relationship with that girl, I couldn’t bear it. Is what I’m doing within the limits of acceptable behavior here? Or is this the behavior of a damaged person?

I don’t want a platonic relationship with any woman for that matter (except lesbians), as all I’d ever think about when I’m with them is “I wasn’t good enough to be this woman’s lover”. It would bother me even if I wasn’t really attracted to that girl in the first place, it’s more of a pride thing. I just take it as a personal affront if a girl doesn’t find me attractive. I try to handle it with class, never lashing out or saying mean things etc, just saying that in this case there’s nothing more for me here, and leaving. But it’s the principle that I’m more concerned about. Is this sort of pride normal, or is it some artifact of a deep insecurity? Please help!!

Thanks in advance! 

Pride Only Hurts, Never Helps

DEAR PRIDE ONLY HURTS, NEVER HELPS: First of all PJHNH, I think you kind of missed the point of my column on so-called “cutoff culture”. It’s not about “you don’t have the right to expect anyone to talk to you ever again after a break up”, it’s about the demands that many people put on the person who’s breaking up with them. In that case, the aforementioned author was demanding that his ex – someone who, ended their relationship – do more emotional work for him. He was insisting that he had a right to her time and attention because she didn’t break up with him the right way and owed him closure.

Which, frankly, is bulls

t. Much like people who demand closure or explanations from their exes. While I don’t doubt that there are many people who legitimately think they want an explanation (and no, they wouldn’t be happy if they knew), most people use that demand as a way to try to relitigate the relationship and the break up. It becomes a way to keep the break up from being final and keeping their ex in their lives.

So no: you don’t get to set terms on a break up and the person dumping you owes you neither explanation nor closure. It’s nice if they care to give an explanation, but they’re not required to do so, nor do they have obligations to you after the end of the relationship outside of logistical ones like returning property.

But I think that misreading leading into the issue you’re having here. You’ve functionally set yourself up for failure with a lot of your future relationships.

In a lot of letters there comes a sentence that you can literally point to and say “Well there’s your problem”. And hey wouldn’t you know it, there’s this line right here:

“I don’t really see any value in the relationship, unless it maintains its sexual component. ” 

Well, there’s your problem, PJHNH. Your attitude, frankly f

king sucks. You’re treating friendship as a step down from a sexual or romantic relationship with someone. Not only is that not true, but most women who are legitimately offering you friendship are going to be insulted by the idea. That’s a great way to close a lot of doors in your life.

Take, for example, your FWB of six years. When she ultimately decided that she wanted to commit to another guy, you made it clear that her relationship with you was contingent on your being able to sleep with her. In that moment you told her that while you may have enjoyed spending time with her platonically, her primary value to you was as someone you could stick your dick in. That’s going to hurt. A lot. Small wonder that, once she was single again, she didn’t want to fool around with you.

And no, there really wasn’t any contradiction there. She may not have wanted exclusivity with you. Alternately, she may have wanted it but felt like she couldn’t ask for it… and when she found someone who was open for it, she decided to go for them instead. And once your belief clear that male-female friendships are only worth it if sex is an option… well, that’s not really going to charm women into dropping their panties for you, bro. You say you don’t believe that you’re entitled to sex, but goddamn, “I just take it as a personal affront if a girl doesn’t find me attractive” sure as s

t says otherwise.

She didn’t Friend Zone you, my dude. Congratulations: you Friend Zoned yourself.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you have to be friends with people, or that you have to be friends with someone who gives you the LJBF speech. Not all of those offers are legit; some really are for politeness’ sake. If you feel that, emotionally,  you couldn’t handle being friends with someone you’re attracted to, that’s just fine. A lot of people feel that way, and their feeling are completely legitimate.

Similarly, if you feel like it’s just not worth having any sort of a relationship with women if you can’t bang them, that’s legitimate. That’s your belief and you’re welcome to have it.

It’s a STUPID belief, but you do you.

But you’re also going to have to accept that the idea that a strictly platonic friendship is saying “you’re not good enough” is going to cut you off from a lot of relationships – platonic and otherwise. Because here’s the thing dude. Sex isn’t the Super Saiyan form of friendship. The two are entirely separate.

A woman wanting to be friends doesn’t mean that you’re not good enough to screw. Hell, there are plenty of women out there who’ll sleep with a guy but not want to be friends with him. Being friends with someone – real friends, not just acquaintances – means a level of trust and intimacy that other people don’t get. It means that they feel that you’re someone valuable, someone they want in their life. A good friend is rare. Dick, however, is abundant and of low value. And whether that particular woman is interested in you or not, other women will recognize the attitude you’re giving off too. And that’s going to shut down more potential sexual encounters than opening the conversation with “Nice drapes, do they match the carpet, or is it original hardwood?”

If you want to start having relationships that don’t go down in flames, you’re going to have to start recognizing that this prideful idea that a friend is someone who’s not good enough to f

k is bulls

t. The fact that a woman isn’t interested in your dick lower her value, nor does it devalue you. The attitude you cop about it, however, sure as s

t does.

The next time a woman offers you her friendship – without access to her body – and you feel that sting, then you need to realize: that’s just your pride f

king with you. You can either go with your pride, or you can take a chance and interact with that woman like she’s a person.

And like you suggest: that kind of pride never helps. It just hurts.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)