Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I know this isn’t particularly about dating and relationship but I just really need some third party advice right now. A best mate of mine has been online dating ever since he got separated from his wife after having found out she had been cheating on him. 1-2 months into the separation, he met this girl online who is a lot younger than he (he’s middle-aged). After a few months of them chatting and talking on phone, he told me he was falling in love with her and they were going to meet in real life very soon. I personally don’t ever believe in falling in love with someone I have never met in person. Connection, yes. But love? I’m skeptical. But in saying that, being a good friend to him, I told myself not to judge and impose my own opinion on him because we’re all different after all. So I just congratulated him and said that I was very happy for him (given his recent broken home situation).

Then came the day she was supposed to fly over to see him (they live in different state), she pulled the pin a few days earlier due to some medical issue. I grew suspicious but still gave her the benefit of the doubt because it was only the first time. But I asked him anyway, that if he had ever Skyped her yet. And he said yes, they Skyped once. So I was certain that at least her identity (appearance-wise) was real. Then her medical condition got more dramatic in that she would have to go to hospital for treatment every weekend. So that sort of makes it challenging for him to even fly over to see her himself. Her excuse is that she would never know when she would be next in order to meet him because she has to constantly move back and forth between home and hospital (a few hours each way). After hearing this, I asked him to be cautious in that he should stop investing more into this ‘relationship’ emotionally until he can actually see her in real life. I went as far as stating that she may be real, but her circumstances may not. And I could see him taking offences by that, though he did not say it out loud. He just said that they had been talking on phone for one and a half hours everyday. I personally thought that that meant nothing but stopped pushing anyway, knowing that since he had started to get defensive, it would only get worse if I kept being pushy.

So my question is, do you have any advice as to what I should do? Should I just let him be or try to push harder? Because to me, he seems to really want to believe in this relationship, even though there’s little chance of them meeting any time soon. He does understand that the longer he waits, the more he would start to idealize her, which is a bad thing. But other than that, I still don’t know how I can advice him to not invest more into this before meeting her in person.

Will really appreciate your advice

A Concerned Mate

DEAR A CONCERNED MATE: You have a good heart, ACM. The problem is your friend’s heart. Specifically: the fact that he’s listening to that and not his brain. Your buddy has been handed a fantasy and he wants to believe it. And therein lies the problem. See, right now he has two choices: he can either buy into the fantasy that this amazing, younger woman loves him and needs him and only the vagaries of fate keep them apart… or he can listen to nagging part of his brain (and, by extension, you) and think that this mysterious long-distance lover is actually a cruel trick. Considering his real life circumstances, I’m not terribly surprised he’s choosing to believe in the beautiful dream.

And the problem is… you can’t really do anything about it. Unfortunately, Sam Cooke’s “When A Man Loves A Woman” is pretty much a documentary, especially the lyric “turn his back on his best friend who puts her down.” Your buddy wants to believe, ACM because she offers him hope that there’s life and love after having his heart broken.

You are right to be incredibly suspicious. Those last minute swerves of “I can’t see you because REASONS” are a hallmark of catfishing. So too is the fact that her life seems to have more drama than a Lifetime made-for-tv movie. Were I you, I would start playing a little Internet Detective on her and her background. Start with the basics. What do you find if you do a basic Google search? Does she have any sort of a digital footprint at all? What about social media? Does she have a Facebook account? What about Twitter or Instagram? How active is she, and does she have friends who aren’t obvious bots? Do a reverse Google Image search on her photos and see what comes up.

If you want to go the extra mile, I’d start asking questions. Ask to talk to her next time your friend brings her up. Or friend her on Facebook. I would also ask more questions about your buddy’s Skype session with her. Did he actually see her? Or was it just a voice chat because “her webcam doesn’t work”?  Or perhaps a seriously janky video connection that froze a lot?

I would suggest keeping a file – screenshots, links, etc. – of what you find and sit on it. Right now, it sucks that somebody is playing a game on your friend, but until he is willing to question things, there’s not much you can do. However, if this starts to escalate – if, for example, she suddenly has “bills” she can’t pay or is in dire straights because of her “health issues”, then it’s time to take your friend aside with the file and have an intervention. A broken heart is painful, but you can recover from it. Giving money, on the other hand, takes things to another level. Some catfishers prey on lonely men and women and scam them for money they can ill-afford to lose. If it gets to that point – or he’s going to pay for her to come see him or fly to go see her – then it’s time to give him all the proof you have that she’s fake.

He won’t appreciate it. He’ll probably be pissed at you. But better that you risk a friendship that you can repair later than he end up throwing money at a fraudulent fantasy.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently started having this relationship with a girl, who was friend of a friend. We like each other and we have a lot in common. After going out a few times and kissing and having a little physical contact,we ended up having a talk about we wanted this relationship to go. I thought it was obvious, we both have expressed that we like each other and feel very comfortable with each other.

Turns out that in the past she has dated a few jerks that have either just left her at random or cheated on her. And after months being “at something,” she is still insecure about starting a formal relationship. She says that it´s not because she wants to have something casual or that she doesn’t want to get involved, but she has a hard time getting into a relationship.

I know that it must be hard for her, but this relationship is getting too friendly, and it’s already been four months. I’m starting to get insecure about us and about her, and I really believe that it’s getting toxic and might end up killing this relationship if neither just goes from being friends with benefits to an actual couple. I’ve talked with her if this is just a casual thing for her, yet she insists that she has strong feelings for me.

So, how do I turn all this friendliness into a romance, and this “we are at something” situation into a relationship? Thanks a lot in advance,  

Wanting More

DEAR WANTING MORE: I’m not entirely sure what the problem is here, WM. Your not-quite girlfriend has made it pretty clear that she really likes you, she likes spending time with you, she likes making out with you…  so it’s just the label that’s the problem? Seriously?

Look, dude, she’s been hurt before and now she’s a little gun-shy. She just needs time to feel secure before being in a full-blown, Facebook-official relationship. Pushing to upgrade your status to “at something” to “boyfriend/girlfriend” isn’t going to make her feel more comfortable with you; in fact, it’ll do the opposite and push her away.

Right now, the best thing you can do is lay out how you feel for her without giving her demands. Tell her, for the record, that you really like her, you want this relationship to be more serious/committed/official. Then let it go, so she can do her thing and get more comfortable with both you and the possibility of being in a for real, changed-the-relationship-status-and-everything relationship with you. The way you can turn this “at something” into a full-blown romance is prove to her that you’re someone she can trust and let her guard down around. And the way to do that? Give her the room and space she needs.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m completely nuts for a girl and she seems to be completely nuts for me. She’s smart, funny, gets excited by the littlest things, is a complete geek, and is seriously beautiful. I think she is about the best woman I’ve ever had a relationship with and I’d totally consider her to be marriage worthy. However you knew there was a “but” coming and here it is: she is pretty religious and wants to be married prior to engaging in *any* sexual activity. That includes just about any form of physical contact beyond some heavy petting… that is any heavy petting is okay so long as it doesn’t directly bring a digital member in contact with a genital member. This in itself isn’t that scary… I’m fairly traditional in a lot of ways myself… and I appreciate that she doesn’t hold others to her standards, being accepting of people who don’t feel that way.  She’s also super liberal when it comes to social mores and doesn’t worry about gay marriage and all of that.. she’s just attempting to stay true to “her walk” and as such she doesn’t want to have sex until she is married.

My concern is, what if I marry her and there is no sex? What if she finds I’m not right for her in a pants-feel type of way? Before her I’ve only had one sexual partner, and that only lasted for a few months and wasn’t that great so I know that that can happen. My own libido is maybe middling on a scale of ravenous to frigid, but I’m just afraid her’s is going to be on the frigid end and it means that by marrying her I’ll gain an awesome friend-life-partner to do cool stuff with but I’ll never get the physical aspect of it except very rarely (as in she wants to conceive, or it’s my birthday, and then I have to worry about her just lying back and thinking of England as it were, the whole time) and that’s just it. I’d be fine with a couple of times a month; I’m not a crazed sex machine who is constantly rock hard and raring to go. I actually fully agree with her in fact that I want to be completely head over heels with any person I’m having sex with because otherwise I don’t feel like either of us would be getting the full experience that both of us have said we need. I’ve talked with her a bit about this and that’s how we know we both are on the same page about how we are feeling. I think what is scaring me is that I’ve expressed how much she turns me on, how sexually she excites me, (something she has commented on recognizing due to certain things popping up between us…) and her responses to that are always deflection or to tell me how smart she thinks I am, or how much fun I am to watch movies and do geeky stuff with. To me it feels as though she wants us to stay in the early stage dating experience forever, and I’m desperate for it to become more physical at least occasionally, beyond hand holding and cuddling on the sofa..

I just don’t know what to do Doc, she’s everything I could want in a partner but I’m afraid to commit because I’m afraid that means I’m resigning myself to being a celibate life partner, not a romantic and sexual partner… but at the same time i don’t want to throw away a good thing. I just can’t seem to balance if sex is more important to me than companionship and she seems reluctant to talk about it.

Sex Or Love

DEAR SEX OR LOVE: The problem isn’t that she doesn’t want to talk about it, SoL, it’s that she’s told you how she feels and you keep pushing the subject. The reason why she’s continually deflecting you or trying to change the subject is because you keep talking about how much you want to sleep with her and she doesn’t want to have sex right now.

Now here’s the thing: sexual compatibility and sexual satisfaction is an integral part of a relationship. Personally, I think waiting until marriage is an incredibly bad idea for precisely that reason. If you and your honey aren’t compatible or able to find a working compromise, your relationship is going to fall apart. It’s completely understandable that you’re worried about your future sexual compatibility with your girlfriend. It’s a legitimate fear and you’re well within your rights to want to be physically intimate with the person you’re dating.

That having been said: people have a right to set their boundaries wherever they want, and one of hers is “no sex before marriage.” You and I can disagree with her choice, but that’s totally her prerogative and it’s as valid as your wanting to have sex before marriage. But right now you aren’t respecting her boundaries. You may be framing it as being afraid of what your sex life will be after you’re married but the fact of the matter is, you’re constantly pushing her to change her mind and give in and that is NOT cool. Concern trolling about whether this is going to lead to a sexless marriage doesn’t make your badgering her any more acceptable. The fact that she wants to wait has absolutely nothing to do with the state of her libido. Maybe she’s asexual. Maybe she’s a raging goddamn inferno of horniness and she keeps it under control through levels of willpower that would impress the Green Lantern Corps. Maybe she’s somewhere in between like most people are. But all that doesn’t matter. She’s told you how she feels and why.  That’s the price of entry. You can respect her boundaries and accept that dating her means no sex before marriage or you can break up with her.

I’ll be honest with you: breaking up with her because she won’t have sex with you is going to sound like a dick move to a lot of people. There will be a lot of people who give you crap for it… and they’ll be wrong. If you have mutually incompatible needs, then breaking up is the BEST thing you can do. You want to have sex now. She does not. That’s the state of play. Sticking around pushing her to change her mind is an awful thing to do to someone you care about. Sticking around in a relationship that ultimately leaves you frustrated and upset is an awful thing to do to yourself.

There are other women out there, women who are just as wonderful who also want to have sex without necessarily saying “I do” first. If you’re not willing to wait until marriage, then you’re better off finding one of those women who’re on the same page as you and letting your girlfriend find a guy who’s on the same page as her.

Good luck.

Oh, and one more thing: there are times when a partner will offer to make changes that he or she doesn’t ACTUALLY want in the face of an impending break-up. If you do move to break up with her and she offers to sleep with you in order to keep you from leaving? If you take her up on that offer you will be one of the biggest a

holes possible and go to the Special Hell reserved for child molesters and people who talk in the theater.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a female virgin in my late 20s and I need some advice. One of the biggest issues I’ve run into is men fetishizing my sex life. Men either run away, view it as a challenge and want to “plant their flag”/Conquer me, or view me as their Manic Pixie Virgin Girl (if you start using that, I want royalties). The majority of “advice” I’ve been given surrounding this is “don’t tell a guy until after you’ve had sex with him”

This is obviously awful awful advice for a whole host of reasons.

I think it’s important to note here, that I’m not a virgin for any reason other than lack of opportunities. It doesn’t come from religion, or some idea of “saving myself” or Mr.Right. I’m not looking for LTR necessarily. There’s nothing “wrong” with me, I’m not broken, or traumatized. I’m a sex-positive person. Kinda just laying out all the reasons I’ve had people tell me I must be a virgin because XYZ.

The issue isn’t the why, or why men react the way they do (Say it with me everyone: SOCIETY IS THE WORST) Quite frankly I think the idea of virginity is pretty antiquated, nothing about me is going to really change. A penis doesn’t have the power to change who I am.

Question is: how do I approach this with men to avoid the aforementioned reactions?

Sincerely,

Not Your Manic Pixie Nerd Girl

DEAR NOT YOUR MANIC PIXIE NERD GIRL: Honestly, NYMPNG? You lay it out the way you told me and my readers: “I haven’t had PIV sex, no biggie.” This tells people exactly one thing about you: that you haven’t had a particular experience. How they react to that information, on the other hand, tells you everything about them.

The thing is, you can’t control people’s reactions. You can lay the groundwork as best you can, lay things out in a “this is not a big deal” manner and generally show that you’re pretty chill about the whole virgin thing but they’ll still react however they’re going to because the problem ultimately lies within them.

We as a society are all kinds of messed up over the concept of sex and virginity and the assorted double-standards and social traps that are associated with sex just make it worse. Men are shamed for being virgins and expected to be mindless satyrs that’ll bang everything that moves, while women are shamed for having too much sex, but also shamed for not being desirable enough to sleep with in the first place. And while things have improved, we’re in that weird transitional place where women are encouraged to own their sexuality and buy vibrators in bulk but not be too slutty because women aren’t supposed to f

k like men. Meanwhile, women who are still virgins are both fetishized and to be feared because “bro, if you bang a virgin she’s gonna wanna, like marry you and s

t and you never get away from that,” because as we all know, when you’re a virgin’s first, they imprint on you like a baby gosling.

(Amusingly, but not really, I’ve seen some women worry about being a man’s first for the exact same reason. Yay, equally sh

ty treatment for all genders!)

So getting back to your question: there’s only so much you can do to avoid people having weird issues around virginity. They’re still an unfortunate part of our cultural background radiation. You can do your best to mitigate it, but you can’t entirely eliminate the possibility. For the most part, people will take their lead from you.  The more chill you are, the more likely to get a chill reaction from the people you talk to, but there will still be people who get weird about it no matter what you say. Some folks will, given half a chance and an opportunity to talk things out a bit like the grown-ass adult they are, recognize they’re being ridiculous and get over it. Whether you are willing to be their emotional Sherpa on this particular issue is up to you; if they’re an otherwise cool guy you really dig, it may be worth your time to help smooth over that particular rough edge. Your call. Others will – as you have experienced – try to mansplain your own sexuality to you; these dudes can and should be kicked to the curb at your most immediate opportunity.

But on the whole: keep it simple, keep it chill. The less of a big deal it is to you, the less of a big deal it will be to anyone worth dating.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ll admit, this isn’t a question related to romantic relationships, but rather to familial relationships, although I do believe that the advice I’ll receive could be generalized to friendships and other relationships:

I’ve finished university, I’ve started a job hunt, I’m moving into a place that I’ve found, and I’m ready to get out into the world and be An Adult (TM). Unfortunately, one of my parents does not appear to be ready for that. Parents, they worry, right? And they wonder what their kids are up to, right? Well, I think there is an extent to which a parent can worry before it becomes excessive AND MY MOTHER HAS CROSSED THAT THRESHOLD SEVERAL TIMES OVER.

I’ve lived away from home for the entire decade I spent in university, yet I get “Catch a taxi or a bus home, don’t walk; let me know when you get home.” texts even though I know the city well enough to know when and where I can walk alone safely. Heck, I’m expected to text “Good night” every single night.

I receive texts multiple times per day, every day. Each answered text often leads to a flood of buzzing as I end up in a text version of “Twenty Questions”. And heaven forbid if I choose to ignore a text. “Hello?” “HELLO?” “HELLOOOOOOO”. Then come the phone calls. And more texts until I answer. Heck, today I decided to stop responding to a line of questioning to take a dump and grab a shower. Twenty minutes – five phone calls (three to my cell, two to the landline) and multiple texts.

Nothing is off limits. How was my day? What am I doing? Where am I? Am I at home? How was such-and-such-thing I mentioned doing? Have I done this or that thing that I’m supposed to do? And, in the case of the latter, CONSTANT AND REPETITIVE REMINDERS TO DO THESE THINGS. Deep down, I’m convinced that she genuinely does not believe me to be capable of doing ANYTHING without these reminders and without hand-holding through the entire process.

And the automatic justification “It’s a mother thing.” that brushes off any and all inappropriate behaviour. And there’s no reasoning with her. In one ear and out the other. “Mothers, they worry” just wipes away the dependency and anxiety issues that literally everyone I know comments about when I tell them anything that she does.

Anyways, now that I’m moving to a new place and entering a new phase in my life, I believe it’s essential that I create and enforce A LOT OF BOUNDARIES. So I’m looking for some advice as to how to do so effectively. I don’t want to cut her out of my life entirely, but I would like for her to not be a constant, nagging presence. “Do you miss me?” “No, I can’t miss you. You won’t leave me alone!”

Regards,

– My Beloved Smother

DEAR MY BELOVED SMOTHER: One of the hardest parts of enforcing your boundaries is dealing with the people who think that they’re the exception to the rule. There will always be people who are offended that not only do you have boundaries, but that those boundaries apply to them. They’ll be the ones who will argue with you about why you shouldn’t object to pushing the line and making inappropriate demands on you. Why are you being such a jerk, don’t be such a killjoy, it’s only a joke, people are having fun, I’m your mother, I’m allowed to do this.

What makes it tricky is how often we all give in to the (admittedly understandable) temptation to explain or argue with them about why the thing they did isn’t cool or why you’re not being a jerk for telling them no. Problem is that once you start arguing with them about why you’re saying no and why it’s not cool of them to push, then you’ve been put on the defensive. By arguing with them, you’ve tacitly accepted their terms – that you now need to justify your right to have those boundaries in the first place. The moment you start to justify or explain why, then you’ve entered into the first stages of negotiation. Now they’re going to pound the “come on, be reasonable” argument at you and the “It’s not that bad” argument and the “but we’re family” exception until you feel like the jerk for saying “no” in the first place.

The key then, is simple: you don’t explain and you don’t rationalize. You don’t need to justify your boundaries’ existence. You don’t need to explain why you think their behavior is inappropriate or unwelcome. You don’t need to give a sufficient reason why they can’t call you at all hours or make demands that you take on responsibilities that aren’t yours in the first place. All they need to know is that you have said “no”.

The hard part is saying “no” and making it stick. This can be especially hard when you’re dealing with parents, who can throw parental concern at you. Can’t you see how you’re making your poor mother suffer like this? How can you be so inconsiderate?

Now the answer is “very easily”, because they’re being inconsiderate of you. But in practice it’s difficult. We’re all taught not to be rude, to be considerate and that saying “no” so bluntly is rude. But it’s what you need to do.

Since she’s not going to respect your boundaries, you have to be the one to make it clear that her behavior isn’t welcome and that it’s not going to work. That means that you  have to tell her that she can’t text you at all hours or insist that you call as soon as you get home. And after you do, then you don’t respond to her constant calls and texts. She gets one response: “I told you I’m busy and I’ll talk to you later”. After that, she doesn’t get any responses from you. That means you ignore those calls and texts until you decide it’s time to call back. If that means muting your phone, assigning a silent ringtone to their contact or hiding alerts from them, then so be it. You made it clear where you stood and how this would work. If she doesn’t want to respect that, then she can deal with the frustration of not hearing from you.

Of course, when you do call her back – on your schedule – she’s going to get in your face. She’s going to make a fuss about how could you be so rude and inconsiderate. You can’t let yourself get drawn into a discussion about why it’s bad for you to ignore your mother or make her worry. The only thing you can say is “I’m sorry you worry, but I told you I’m not responding to texts or calls until X time.” “I’m sorry you feel that way but I told you how this was going to work.” Regardless of how she argues, regardless of what she throws at you, the only thing you should do is reaffirm that boundary in the first place. Not “here’s why”, not “here’s a compromise” but “I told you X, so it’s going to be X and I’m sorry if you don’t like that.” As angry as she may get, as much guilt as she may throw at you, stay strong and just be a broken record. Eventually she will get the hint. And if she doesn’t, then she can be the one who gets frustrated by your refusal to budge.

You need to draw the lines very, very clearly for your mother and stick to them. The first time you give in on the rules you set and the boundaries you establish, people will understand that your boundaries are optional, not mandatory. So you have to remain firm, no matter how difficult it may be or how guilty you feel about it. “No” is a complete sentence, but sometimes it’s the hardest one to say.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have this guy friend that I’ve been hooking up with on-and-off for years. Basically I kind of used him as an ego boost when I was way less mentally healthy or getting rejected by someone. Not great behavior on my end, I know, but I was dumber and had such low self-esteem that anyone finding me attractive was a miracle.

Anyway, I’m in a much healthier place mentally and have a great new boyfriend who I do actually like a lot. This former FWB knows it (he Facebook liked it anyway).

For the next part to make sense, I’m bisexual. Anyway, today I was out and a girl who set off my gaydar complimented my dress. I posted about it on Twitter and former FWB said “make out with her to show your thanks”. First of all, I hate my bisexuality being fetishised. Secondly, I know he’s joking, but it also demonstrates that he’d be into me making out with a random lesbian because he’d find it hot. And this isn’t the first time he’s made me uncomfortable. He’s just been overly touchy when I’m not interested anymore.

And I know he hits on basically any girl around. One of our mutual friends (who I’m closer to than this dude) gets hit on by him and she’s married. I feel like if I ever brought my new boyfriend around this group he’d either hit on me or be an asshole to him (I’ve seen him be really cold to another guy I dated).

Honestly, I would just stop talking to this guy except for our mutual friends. I do have several friends that are also his friends, and I really only get to see them when we’re in a group, in which he’s always there. I don’t know how to tell this dude he kind of creeps me out. Any advice?

– Awkward Ex Attack

DEAR AWKWARD EX ATTACK: Honestly, the best thing you can do is just be blunt and say “dude, you’re acting like a creep.” One of the reasons why the creeper friends and Missing Stairs tend to linger in social circles is because nobody ever calls them out on their bulls

t. People get caught up in the Geek Social Fallacies that say we’re supposed to accept people exactly as they are and that ostracizing people for being weird or awkward is inherently bad. There’s an understandable desire to avoid “drama”, even if we tend to blame people who point out the drama instead of the ones causing it. But the fact is, unless someone steps up and says “Hey, not cool”, this guy’s going to keep going to be being an annoying sex-pest. Some folks are habitual line-steppers and they’re never going to change until someone smacks them across the nose and says “NO! BAD!”

And if nobody else is going to do it, then it may as well be you.

So the next time he starts acting like a jackass, call him on it. Let your face get serious and say “That’s not cool, knock that off.” “That’s not funny, knock it off.” “She doesn’t appreciate your hitting on her, cut it out.” “You’re making people uncomfortable, stop it.” As with My Beloved Smother, you don’t need to explain or indulge his defenses. He’ll tell you it’s just a joke. You say “it’s not funny and nobody likes it, stop doing that.” He’ll ask you why you’re being a bitch. You say “Nobody appreciates that, knock it off.” What’s wrong, you used to be cool. “You’re acting like a creep, cut it out.” She didn’t tell me to stop. “I’m telling you it’s inappropriate, so stop.”

There’s going to be that awkward moment at first when you’re taking a stand where nobody else has before. You’re going to feel like you’re out there on your own. That’s a risk. But I’m more than willing to bet that others in your social circle – especially the other women – will appreciate someone speaking up. I’m willing to bet that once someone has broken the silence, the dam will burst and other folks will feel empowered to say something too.

It may also be worth reaching out to your other friends to talk about your ex FWB before the next time you all get together. A lot of times, people will assume that nobody really has a problem with the Creepy Friend because nobody has said anything up until now. Your bringing your discomfort to the group’s attention may well be the first step to finally doing something about that particular Missing Stair.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)