DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been following your blog for a couple months now, and I think you could really help out with something, or someone in this case. 

I’m a cosplayer, and I like being connected with the cosplay community in my area. However, there is this one cosplay photographer (let’s call him J) who has a history of being problematic and frankly, a creeper.

To sum him up, J is in his mid-30’s, single, and really looking for a girlfriend. He uses his photography as an excuse to meet younger cosplay girls (some of them underage). He often asks for private photoshoots (usually in a public area, but still alone with a girl), offers to buy them things, or takes them out, usually for meals or a movie. 

I will admit that I was one of J’s… “targets” for a while, when I was fairly new to the cosplay scene. He would constantly message me on Facebook, to the point where I would only check Facebook for a few minutes before he had the chance to start chatting. He also would hover when I was at cosplay meet-ups, and asked for photoshoots that separated me from the group. One time I did cave to an offer to hang out, and there was some photos taken that made me feel uncomfortable, which I asked him to delete later. All his attention stopped as soon as I got a boyfriend though, which I’m grateful about. Other girls however, have had to deal with a lot worse.

J’s behavior has been going on for a while; it’s happened to enough girls that there’s a Facebook group all about him and trying to prevent him from creeping on other girls. Some of his guy friends are in said group too, but more because he has other problematic qualities that make him difficult to deal with. He invites himself along to group hangouts when he’s unwanted, he owes some of them a fair amount of money, and he often complains and makes himself out to be a victim.

This past summer, there was an intervention for J where a few friends pointed out his behavior, and asked him to start changing. He said he would work on it, and for a few months there didn’t seem to be any major new developments; no bad news, but not a lot of good news either. However, he seems to be up to his old ways and unwilling to change. His few friends are at the end of their ropes and want to cut ties all together.

How can you help someone who’s unwilling to change? How can you make him see that he has to change, or else alienate everybody he knows? Personally, I would like to just sit him down at a laptop and make him read the entire Doctor NerdLove archives, but hopefully you have a better solution.

Thanks,

Concerned Cosplayer

DEAR CONCERNED COSPLAYER: How do you help someone who’s unwilling to change?

You don’t.

You can’t make someone change against their will, nor is it your responsibility to try.

Lots of social groups have someone who can be creepy; often it’s just a case of the individual not knowing any better and having a firm come-to-Jesus meeting with him can set him straight. It’s the ones who refuse to change even after they’ve had their behavior pointed out to them who are worrisome… especially since many geeks don’t like confrontations.

You, Concerned Cosplayer, are not responsible for J’s behavior. You’re not his mom, his doctor, his girlfriend or his manic pixie dream girl sent by Heaven to shake him out of his rut and magically turn him from a creepy caterpillar to the beautiful sexy butterfly that exists deep within his soul. The only person who is responsible for J’s behavior is J. You can’t force him to change; the only way he’s going to change is if he wants to.

Now that being said: you can provide plenty of incentive to change… by not putting up with his shit and making a point to exclude his creepy ass. Quite frankly, this isn’t just creeper behavior; a lot of what you describe is PREDATORY behavior. Trying to get girls alone, especially young girls- and underage ones, what the actual hell –  who don’t know better is a HUGE goddamn red flag.

He’s abusing a position of trust – that of a pro or semi-pro photographer – as a way to try to find impressionable and potentially vulnerable women and that is not cool.

It’s not surprising that J’s targeting younger women – the sort of crap he’s pulling as a photographer would get him shut out of working with the modeling community. I’ve done my share of photography and let me tell you, the modeling community is small and very connected and they love nothing better than to make sure everybody knows not to work with the creepy assh

es.

This is exactly what you need to do: make sure word gets out far and wide about J until such a time that he’s proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that he’s reformed.

It can be difficult to make this stick. Lots of insular groups, especially ones composed of individuals who’ve been excluded or shunned, have a hard time with the idea of excluding someone even when they fucking deserve it. It’s a common geek social fallacy that ostracizers are inherently bad and this makes them prone to letting people get away with behavior other social groups would never put up with. Moreover, many people will insist that they don’t “do drama” – that is to say that they are hoping to involve the stress involved in confronting an uncomfortable situation. They may even turn against the people who bring it up because it’s their fault for “causing drama” and making people feel uncomfortable rather than the predator in their midst. It ends up silencing the people who are trying to help because they’re stirring s

t up and nobody wants to to handle the awkwardness of social confrontations.

This ultimately enables the predatory types; refusing to take a stand is de facto siding with them.

You’ve said that his friends have had discussions with him that went nowhere. Fine. Under different circumstances, I’d say having a second, much more pointed discussion – one with some very definite ultimatums – would be warranted but J is already showing signs that he refuses to man up and take responsibility for his actions. If his behavior has been as widespread as you say then it’s time to start limiting his ability to interact with people.

First and foremost, this means blocking him on your social networks – and encouraging others in the cosplay community to do so as well. Secondly: document EVERYTHING. Have people share their stories, with as much detail as possible, so that others understand what he’s like and why. Stick strictly to the facts – who said what, how they felt and why. The more people who share their stories, the harder it is for others to say that you’re exaggerating or overly sensitive, or that there was a simple misunderstanding. Remember, this isn’t just your imagination. you said it yourself – he pressured you into working outside of your comfort zone. Imagine some of the younger girls who may not have the strength that you had to say “Hey, I’m really uncomfortable with these photos, so please get rid of them.”

Third: you and your friends are going to have to be willing to be confrontational. I know it’s difficult – women are socialized to avoid confrontation and nerds are particularly conflict-averse – but you’re going to have to be willing to block the hell out of him. If you see him talking to a newbie to the scene, someone who doesn’t know better, move in and pull her aside to explain things – especially if you can share your experiences with her. Don’t let him separate people from the herd and make sure others know not to let him pull people away.

Don’t let him hover around you at cons or cosplay events. Go to security and tell them that he’s making you uncomfortable. Let them deal with him wherever possible. It’s also worth bringing him up to the head of con security and the event organizers.

Don’t let him force himself into being part of the group. You can’t just try to avoid him or hope he doesn’t find out – you have to be in his face and make sure he knows in no uncertain terms that he’s unwelcome and why. If he tries to come along or “just happens” to show up, tell him to leave – and have others back you up so he can’t appeal to the group by trying to make himself out to be the victim. Don’t debate him or argue with him or justify yourself – this only implies that you feel as though you’re doing something wrong, which he will take full advantage of. Stand your ground: he is not welcome and he needs to go away.

Frankly, his friends should cut ties; he’s proven that he’s not willing to listen to them and he’ll go back to the status-quo as soon as he sees the chance.

It says a lot about you that you want to help him and that you’re afraid that he’s going to alienate everyone he knows. You’re a good person at heart and your desire to help is admirable. In this case, it’s severely misplaced. It’s not your duty to fix him or to drag him kicking and screaming to the light. You’re afraid that he’s going to get shut out when that’s exactly what needs to happen.

If he’s not willing to change on his own, then you have to give him a reason – in this case, cutting him off from the social circle he’s trying to take advantage of.

He’s not misunderstood. He’s not being creepy by accident. And he refuses to change.

Cut him out.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I wanted to ask if you could help me out with something. This is my first time writing to you, although sadly this letter is probably a few years too late. I have done some terrible things.

A few years ago, I was talking to a girl on Twitter, she is the same age as me (18, at the time). I will just call her D. We have never met in person and live in different countries (I live in the UK and she lives in Norway) and had started talking a year earlier. It was obvious she only talked to me because she pitied me. I was very needy and insecure. I asked her out earlier that year, which was stupid as we live in different countries and couldn’t have dated anyway. She politely said no. I messaged her back but didn’t here back from her. I didn’t hear from her for about six months, until I created a twitter account just to get in touch with her.

Anyway, so it was later that year, and while talking to her as myself, I created a new twitter account under a fake name to talk to her. I originally created this in order to talk to her anonymously and not have to worry about what I wrote to her. Anyway, I couldn’t resist asking about her boyfriend. After, I asked about him once I couldn’t stop probing her about him. I asked to see a photograph of him, and then ignored her first attempts to refuse to give me that picture. Also, while I was doing this I hunted down a photograph some guy who she may or may not have been dating in order to compare myself to him. I asked some guy she was friends with on twitter tons of questions about D, such as whether or not they talked about me and even asked if he thought she and her best friend ever had sex. The exact question was ”Do you think D and her best friend ever lezzed off before?” At the time, I thought this was an okay thing to ask. He said that was creepy and refused to keep talking to me.

I eventually admitted to D that it was me and we stopped talking for a short while. I offered to leave her alone, and she then took me up on it. I eventually messaged her again anyway.

I was recently re-reading a conversation I had with a Woman on Quora about this (which is what inspired me to write to you). She was trying to convince me that this was cyber stalking and would have frightened her a lot. She even advised me to write to you. I didn’t want to believe I had stalked, as that would probably have meant I had no chance with her, and knew what you would say, so I refused. She said she knew I would do this, as I had too much staked on my self image as having not done so much harm. She eventually cut contact with me, as she promised she would if I messaged D or her friends, without letting her get in touch with me first.

A year from when I created that fake account, I insulted her as I was desperate for attention from her. I messaged many times after that and never got a response. I had bad day, and I logged on to the internet and began insulting a bunch of people. A bunch of people who had been good to me, including D. I regretted doing this and when I went to apologize she had already replied. She told me she had been busy with work and uni and a family member of hers had just died. She told me she was disappointed in me and said she no longer wanted to talk to me anymore.

I left her alone for two months, until I messaged her again. This time the message was much bigger and more insulting. In the message, I said things like how I only wanted to give her multiple orgasms (this was intended to be a ridiculous thing to say, not serious, but I didn’t realize it had rape connotations). I also told her how I was jealous of her boyfriend and wished I was more like him. I also called her boyfriend a “cuck” and insulted him several times and insulted D once. I didn’t think about what I was doing and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I originally was just some something ridiculous about her boyfriend and I thought I could provoke her into responding to me. I felt entitled to talk to her and couldn’t stand it that she didn’t want to talk to me.

The next morning, I tried to apologize and try to convince her not to block me. In the end, I ended up writing a bunch of nonsense, and then she blocked me anyway. Of course, I know I completely deserved to be blocked and I am probably lucky that’s all she did. At first I was okay with it. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. In the next hour or so, reality set in. I had realized what a terrible thing I had done and that I would never get a fix of my fantasy girl ever again. I panicked and created another twitter account and begged her to message me. She blocked me and I created another account. She ignored and then I gave up. I curled up into a ball for a while and it was one of the worst days of my life. I thought I was done, only do the same thing again a week later. I tweeted her the next morning on the third fake account, I apologized for what I did and promised never to contact her. again. That was at the beginning of a new year and the last time I contacted her. Although, I had been tempted to add her on Facebook messenger a few times, but I knew it was wrong and thought about she wanted for once. So I didn’t do it.

Again, not trying to paint myself as a victim here, but I do deeply regret what I did and I know that sort of behavior is completely unacceptable. She was very sweet person as well which makes my treatment towards her even worse. I have only been able to accept what I did was stalking until recently, when I knew I definitely wouldn’t hear from her again. I had too much staked on my self image as having not done the wrong thing I had done. Now that I have stopped lying to myself and accepted how poorly I treated her, all I feel is grief.

Anyway, I wanted to ask you

What do you think of my behavior?

Do you think she was frightened by how I behaved? Does she probably think I would beat and rape her if given the chance?( I wouldn’t obviously)

Also, do you have any advice for me to help make sure I never behave this way again?

Thanks a lot Doc!

Yours Sincerely

C-Creep-e-o

DEAR C-CREEP-E-O: Wow sport, when you f

k up, you don’t do it small, huh?

Well, you asked for the Chair Leg of Truth, so you’re going to get it. Better buckle up chief, because this ain’t going to be pretty.

Here’s what you did: you stalked someone, gaslight her, tried to drag her friends into enabling your stalking of her, created multiple accounts in order to get around her blocking you, sexually harassed her repeatedly, insulted her, insulted her boyfriend and continually begged for more access to her after doing all of the above, then proceeded to insult and harass her some more.

You manage to hit pretty much every single point on how to not talk to a woman on social media short of actually waving your d

k at them and frankly I’m kind of surprised you managed to leave that one out.

Literally everything about your interaction with her told her that you:

Have no concept of boundaries

Ask profoundly inappropriate questions of her friends

Say horrifically inappropriate things to her

Have no problem with stalking people

Have a hair-trigger temper and lash out at the slightest provocation

Will immediately turn around and beg forgiveness and swear that you didn’t mean it before doing it all again

Will work constantly to circumvent her attempts to shut you out of her life.

Congratulations, my dude, you hit “I’m A Violent Abuser” yahtzee! I can’t f

king IMAGINE why she didn’t want to talk to you.

You say you’d never hurt her. This may indeed be literally true. Too bad everything you write about in this letter has so many red flags it looks like a NASCAR race in Beijing. Women look at this behavior from a guy and assume the worst because, quite frankly, they’ve either experienced it personally before, or they know somebody who has. The Internet is littered with stories of women who had randos on the Internet lose their s

t at them to disastrous results. Even with thousands of miles between you, it’s not as though we don’t have an abundance of examples of how dudes used the Internet to punish women they were angry at.

Frankly, if you were in the same country, I’d imagine she’d be looking into protective orders to get you to leave her the hell alone.

So, yeah. She’s had reason to be afraid.

What do you need to do? You need to get your happy ass into therapy. You have a whole lot to learn about handling your emotions, appropriate ways of dealing with anger and frustration and a s

tload of emotional issues that I can’t deal with for you. And until you do, I suspect that it would be a very good idea to stay the f

k off the Internet so you don’t unleash this torrent of bulls

t behavior on your next crush.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, I started dating this guy about a month ago.

He is very nice, gentle, extremely considerate, sometimes v. cheesy (my analytical mind says), and if there is such a thing as doing everything right, I think he is probably doing everything right.

He introduced me to his friends by date three, we went out as a group by date four. And, he started planning tons of things to do for us for months to come.

I am so impressed by his attitude and personality, but having come out of a bad first relationship, I have a nagging voice telling me “what if this is just an act”. Although, how could someone act like that?

Anyways, here is the only problem so far:

We have kissed, with some heavy petting etc. I am a penis-in-vagina virgin. I haven’t had suitable opportunities in my short dating history to do that. I am also into developing an understanding, affection and care for a person before getting physical. I told him very early about these values, and the fact that I want to take my time. And I added that if and when I am ready, I will tell him, and I hope we both get tested, work on contraceptive and stuff to ensure that we are both safe. He agreed, and assured me that that was fine by him.

In the next few weeks, we ended up spending most of the time in his house, usually in his room. And what starts as a let’s watch this anime, or let’s make some tea and talk, ends up with us cuddling in his bed. I do like cuddling very much, but I feel as if that most of it is angling towards making both of us hot and bothered. And his pointing out a few times that ” I just need to say the word” or ” we might actually have sex sooner than you think”. I start feeling uncomfortable, but he is really nice and I feel bad refusing to go to his place. Also, he said we should get STD tested.

Recently, I told him that I still need time in order to have sex. I really don’t feel ready.

He said he is willing to wait, especially if there was some form of sexual relief (that didn’t have to be sexual intercourse). Inner red flags started appearing. Then he added, he was thinking that he can wait for a couple of months, but afterwards, he will probably start looking for someone else.

My reaction was to say that I understand. I reality, I am not sure (1) having been abstinent for years, I feel it shouldn’t be that difficult to do. (2) Having been abstinent for years, I feel may be I am not qualified to talk for people who are sexually active, and may be things are indeed different and people need sex at least every two months.

Frankly, I am confused. Part of me likes this person very much, and the other part is skeptic and now feeling very unsafe. May be it is also my problem for not being as sexually active at this age, and expectations are different.

Heck, I don’t know.

Is this guy saying something reasonable ? Or, is this my cue to an incompatibility between us?

Thank you very much

A Visitor From Planet Inexperienced

DEAR A VISITOR FROM PLANET INEXPERIENCED: He’s not willing to wait. He SAYS he’s willing, but all of his behavior is him pushing you to giving in and sleeping with him. I mean holy s

t, “We may be having sex sooner than you think”? While I don’t think that’s a threat, that’s not someone who’s patient and kind and giving you the space to feel comfortable and secure. That’s somebody who thinks that if he pushes you juuuust right he’ll get you to give him what he wants.

What you said about his using cuddling to get you hot and bothered? That is EXACTLY what he’s trying to do; he’s hoping that he’s going to get you to say “yes” by either turning you on so much that you throw your reservations out the window or you’ll feel his boner poking in your back and feel like you need to do something with it. And that bit about “Well, I’ll wait but only so long”, while honest, is meant to push you into being afraid to lose him.

So I’d say you need to call his bluff and – in the words of Dan Savage – DTMFA because this ain’t going anywhere good. And, let’s be honest: this isn’t someone worth losing your virginity to. Even if we leave out the whole “pushing you for sex”, the two of you are sexually incompatible. You have different drives and expectations and those aren’t going to line up in ways that’ll make you both happy.

But then there’s the fact that someone who’s this much of a dick about your feeling comfortable and secure isn’t good boyfriend material. They’re a case of Crouching Nice Guy, Hidden Douchebag and things are only going to get worse from here.

Here’s the thing: you have the right to go at your pace and what you feel comfortable with. Yes, people are more likely to want and expect sex at a pace that you aren’t cool with… but that does not mean that your comfort and desires are irrelevant. It may mean that you’re going to have to do more dating and more searching to find someone who is worth dating. There are dudes out there – especially demisexual guys – who’re a slow burn, just like you are. Finding someone who is on the same page as you or is actually willing to wait (instead of saying “OK, I’ll put up with oral sex for a while, but I expect you to give it up sooner rather than later” while poking you with his erection) is worth the effort.

And even if you decide to pick someone and just get it over with, you can do a metric ton better than this douche. Kick his ass to the curb and find someone who’s legitimately good, not a jackass in good-guy drag.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NEDLOVE: I’ve been with this guy for about 8 months now and I wouldn’t say I’m happy but it’s company. Recently I’ve been having sex dreams:

1. I was having sex with some girl (completely unknown)

2. I was having sex with an ex (I believe it’s because he reminds me of a movie character who I am attracted to and who’s movie I had recently rewatched)

3. I was pregnant by said same ex but the person he was in the dream was much better than who is was to me in real life

4. had sex with a cousins roommate because I had broken up with my boyfriend and needed to get him out of my head (in the dream it seemed like that was just an excuse to have sex with someone else)

(These are all in the past like week or two)

I guess it’s worth mentioning that I haven’t been having sex with him lately and we were at one point very sexually active (like 3-5 times a week; like 3-6 rounds through our time together). He is at the top of my best sex list and because he’s mine (doesn’t happen very often) so I can do more and feel more comfortable. I may have an idea of what these dreams may mean but I really need some second or more opinions….

Thank you

Hey Libido Bats in the Belfry

DEAR HEY LIBIDO BATS IN THE BELFRY: Here’s what sex dreams mean: your brain is doing weird s

t. Period. Maybe you’re feeling frustrated and horny and it’s getting pulled into the core dump your unconscious does when you sleep. But in terms of the people you’re having sex with? That’s just the weirdness of dreams.

If you let the randomness of who you find in your dreams take on too much meaning, you’ll lose your goddamn mind. People have dreams about sex with all kinds of random people, from folks outside your sexual orientation to family members or other people you’d never touch with a borrowed vagina and Ryan Gosling doing the pushing. It doesn’t mean anything other than dreams are goddamn weird.

You can dig into the Jungian analysis and what-not if you want, but honestly? It doesn’t mean much. If it’s making you think of an issue in your relationship, then it’s as good a motivation to go hash it out. But don’t get too deep into things before you start wondering if Father McGuilicutty is giving you the eye and also might look better as a merman.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This is going to seem like it’s coming out of left field, given how many questions you get are some form of “HOW DO I START HAVING SEX?”, but – honestly – I’m not ready. I want it eventually, but now is not that time. I’ve got my hang-ups and my issues, and they are mine to keep.

I think I’m finally starting to be ready to date – again, lots of reasons why I wasn’t dating before that aren’t important – but I’m not ready for sex yet and I have a feeling that any of the folks I start seeing will expect sex. How do I bring this up? When do I bring this up? I don’t really have much experience in general, but I’m expecting that the person that I’m going to coffee with eventually will want to have sex with me, especially given the questions about whether I’m a top, a bottom, or versatile…

I’m not ready. I will become ready in my own time; that’s not what I need help with. What I need help with is figuring out how to properly communicate it and what to expect when I do so. Should I lay it out in the open early on? Should I wait until sex comes up? Should I even put myself out there if I won’t be putting out?

What should I do?

– Put Out About Putting Out

DEAR PUT OUT ABOUT PUTTING OUT: First of all, POaPO, good for you for knowing what you are and aren’t up for. There’re a lot of people – men in particular – who feel the pressure to not just be up for sex that they don’t want but to be performative about how much sex they want. There’s a long-standing cultural narrative that if you’re of a certain age and just not ready (or interested) in sex, then there’s something wrong with you. The fact that you can recognize that you’re just not there and own it is commendable.

So let’s talk about what you do about it.

The first thing is that you’re going to want to relax about the question. While yes, it’s generally expected that sex will eventually be part of a romantic relationship, laying things out right off the bat can be a little… tricky. Telling somebody on the first date often isn’t appropriate and can feel presumptive. It’s a little off-putting for someone to say “Just on the off chance you thought you were going to get laid tonight, I just want to let you know that is not on the table” out of the clear blue sky.

At the same time, there’s an understandable impulse to want to give full disclosure early, so that potential partners can make an informed decision about whether they want to date you.

Here’s my thinking: it’s going to be context-dependent. In an online dating situation, it may be worthwhile to say something along the lines of “I take things slowly” or “I need to be comfortable/feel connected to someone before things get physical”. In a time when terms like demisexuality are starting to have greater penetration into the mainstream, more people are likely to understand that this means that sex isn’t likely on the third (or fourth, or…) date. Yes, this will cut down the number of people who contact you dramatically… but at the same time, these are people who are unlikely to be compatible with you in the first place.

For people you’ve met in person however… I’d bring it up when things start to get physical. You don’t need to give a speech about why you’re not ready, not if you don’t want to. But a simple “Hey, just so you know, here’s what I’m up for, here’s what I’m not up for and how about you?” can make things much simpler. That “and how about you?” is important; you’re sharing your limits and asking them to share theirs. Asking them for their wants and limits makes this a dialogue about consent, rather than just a talk about “why someone’s not getting head today”.

Just as importantly though: don’t frame this as though you’re damaged or broken. You’re not. You just know what you are and aren’t ready for and that’s fine. You’re showing that you know yourself well enough to know when something isn’t right for you – either for now or at all. You’re telling them the awesome things they do get, and isn’t that great?

Just remember: telling people about your limits is a superpower. You’re telling them one thing about you; their response tells you everything about them. Someone who either doesn’t respect your limits, who tries to argue you out of them or who is upset that you aren’t ready for sex is telling you what you need to know: that they aren’t right for you and better for you to go and find someone who is.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been totally blind my whole life, really struggle initiating sexual connections with women, and I believe the two are correlated.

To be clear: blindness doesn’t make me any less able to handle the sex itself (yes, people often ask), nor does it keep me from meeting women, building quality relationships, etc. It helps that I’m generally quite gregarious, love conversing with people, and have developed really strong verbal communication skills, both talking and listening, to compensate for my inability to see body language. In most life situations that’s enough, but when it comes to flirting and building sexual tension, I find it isn’t.

I’ve read many of your blog posts, and you often point out how most communication happens nonverbally, so you need to be able to read the body language women are using, whether they tense up when you lean in to initiate a kiss, get uncomfortable after being touched in a way they don’t want (which I can sometimes tell just by feel, but not always), or are even interested in being approached at all.

It’s also harder for me to feel comfortable breaking the touch barrier without being able to see how women respond, and it doesn’t help that I know I’ll sometimes screw it up and touch the wrong place. Turns out it’s actually kinda awkward when you go for the upper arm but accidentally graze breasts, or what should have been a hand on the lower back turns into an unintentional ass grab because you misjudged her height by a few crucial inches. This sort of thing is rare, but it does happen every now and then. I’m pretty sure people always know it’s an honest mistake, usually they can see how embarrassed I am and end up trying to pretend not to be amused for my benefit, (or they just start laughing their ass off, which makes me laugh my ass off, and everything’s fine) but it still makes me hesitant to be the one doing the touching, at least until I know a woman a little first.

Anyways, now that I’ve written you a novel about my situation, here are my questions. How can I help women feel comfortable using words to tell me the messages they’re already naturally sending with their body language, especially when we’re still just starting to get to know each other?

Obviously they know I’m blind, so it’s not like it’s hard for them to figure out the problem on their own if they take a second to think about it, but occasionally even friends who I’ve known for years will fail to respond to something I asked, stay silent for a few awkward seconds, and say “Oh, damn! I just nodded my head, that was dumb!”

Usually this isn’t a big deal with most life things, but it seems like half the point of flirting is being able to figure out what the other person is showing us, so we don’t have to be constantly talking about whether it’s okay if we make that next move deeper into their personal space bubble, or if we’re now comfortable enough to try a more intimate form of touching.

Is there a reliable substitute for being able to see nonverbal cues and respond accordingly? Finally, speaking of touching, how can I get better at touching the women I’m flirting with, knowing I’m at a disadvantage without being able to see everything they’re doing, and also knowing I’ll occasionally touch the wrong place and there’s really nothing I can do about that? Is it just a matter of trusting them to tell me if I’m making them uncomfortable, or is there something else I can do to gauge whether more touching is wanted without actually trying it?

I’d appreciate any insight you can give me, I look forward to your take on all this. 

Sincerely,

I’m Not Daredevil

DEAR I’M NOT DAREDEVIL: Gotta hand it to you, IND, you’ve given me quite the puzzler. Obviously, I’m sighted, which means that I’m not going to have the same perspective on these issues, so take my advice with appropriate levels of salt.

But here’s something worth noting, IND: being blind hasn’t kept people from being successful in love. Ray Charles was a notorious ladies man, able to charm the literal pants off many, many women, even if he couldn’t see them.

Now it’s true, a lot of my advice focuses on picking up on physical cues, like watching for the triangle-gaze or body language cues like orienting or preening. However, there are still many sighted people who can’t read body language effectively. Fortunately, there are other methods. Some of it will be to rely on your other senses. If you’ve ever listened to books on tape or really good voice actors, you may have noticed how you can “hear” a smile or a frown in someone’s voice. Those can give you indications about how someone is actually feeling; just as a fake smile doesn’t reach a person’s eyes, a fake laugh can sound brittle or hollow. On the other hand, someone who’s sexually excited can sound like they’re smiling and nervous… or their voice might get slightly huskier, or they may swallow more than usual.

Other signs of interest would include reciprocal touching; someone who touches you back after you touch them. So if you were to, say, touch someone on the wrist with the back of your hand as you made a point and then they touch you, that would be another sign of interest. Similarly, if you are sitting side by side with someone and your knee touches theirs, do they move theirs away, leave it, or move to touch yours when you pull back?

But there’s one way you can generally be sure about how someone feels – whether they’re interested in flirting, in being touched or being kissed – and that’s to use your words. One of the things that can often make able-bodied people feel uncomfortable around handicapped people is not knowing what’s appropriate or not. This is especially true if they haven’t had much experience dealing with someone who’s deaf or blind, for example. You are in the position to model the behavior that you would like them to perform for you. So by being willing to use your words to clarify things, you’re giving them an example of what you would like from them.

Part of this may simply be giving them permission: “Hey, you’re going to have to be really obvious with me because I literally can’t see what you’re doing.” Some of it might be explaining how you move through the world, and what helps make things easier on you. Another part would be asking for clarity or permission: “is it ok if I give you a hug?” “I would love to kiss you right now.”

As with many potentially awkward situations, people will take their cues on how to behave and react from you. The more that you can show them the sort of behaviors and responses that you would like from them, the more at ease they’ll be with providing them for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)