DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: It starts about a year ago:

I’m snagging some dice for a new campaign at this out of town game and comic shop one afternoon. Another customer catches my eye, ‘cause he’s just wow: working man’s gear, dirty blonde hair with serious scruff and he’s a big boy – solid with some cuddly poundage. Think Tyler Labine in Tucker and Dale vs. Evil.

He leaves, I finish up, and he’s still outside the store due to a winter sleet storm. I offer a lift and he gladly accepts. We start talking – both came from small towns, do creative writing, and dork out over Kirk coming to the civic center. He thanks me and we part ways.

Fast forward to now: After a few rocky years and much marriage counseling my wife and I call it off in December. (She was cool with my bisexuality as we both took our vows very seriously.) We still attend counseling as we’ll always be co-parents and are amicably parting.

Now I’m starting to explore the male online world and most are married guys who want secret meat on the side or dudes looking for an anonymous pump n’ dump. Neither are worth my health or self respect.

So here’s the crux: Is it cool to pop back to that store on Magic night to see if that Golden Apple of Aphrodite still hangs there – maybe grab a burger and a beer and talk geek afterwards? Or missing him, drop note with a sci-fi short story and ask him to e-mail me one of his?

Haven’t dated in years, and don’t know his preferences, but I not only liked the blind box packaging, I liked what was inside too!

~ Gaga for Geeky Grizzly

DEAR GAGA FOR GEEKY GRIZZLY: Y’know, GGG, I get a variation of this question on a regular basis. In its own way, it’s almost a universal problem: people see somebody who’s absolutely amazing but, for whatever reason, they never say a word. Now they’re left with a serious longing for what might have been and wondering what they can do to get a second chance at meeting that special someone.

And to be honest, the answer is usually “nothing”. Now to be sure: this isn’t what a lot of people want to hear. We all like to think that if there’s a person who by all accounts should be perfect for us that God, the Doctor or the universe will go out of their way to bring us together again, some way, some how. But the truth is that one of the keys to dating success is timing… and that’s often completely out of our hands. Starting a relationship with somebody is all about the intersection of three things: the right person, the right place and the right time. If those three don’t synch up, then even people would would otherwise be a scorching couple will fail to connect. It’s nobody’s fault, just a cruel twist of fate… but all the more frustrating for it. Sometimes you’ll meet the right person in the right place… but the time will simply be wrong. You may not be in a place in your life where you can act on your interest. They may not be in a place where they’re available or open to a relationship. Or there simply may not be time to make things happen – have that brief moment, faster than the single beat of a hummingbird’s heart – and then they’re gone.

And that sucks. That leaves us with an open loop, like a bit of music that gets stuck in our head, echoing over and over, unable to finish because we never heard more than the hook.

But part of what complicates these missed moments is that often we assign too much importance to them. Because that moment of contact was so brief, we never had a chance to get to know them and so we’re left with our fantasy version of them. And fantasy can never disappoint you or prove to be wrong for you in all the ways you know someone can be. You can assign any amount of virtue and value to them because they’re just a frozen moment in time, never subject to the various sins and disappointments that mortal flesh is heir to.

This isn’t necessarily bad. Having that momentary crush, that flash of infatuation is a great feeling. But it’s when we let the fantasy of the person overtake the reality of our lives that we start to get into trouble. When we invest too much into our fantasy of them, we tend to get a little too… enthusiastic… about trying to bring that fantasy to life. We pursue it with too much vehemence and too much eagerness because we feel like it’s our Big Chance. But because people are flesh and blood and not an ephemeral fantasy… well, our exuberance tends to freak them the hell out. With good reason.

(I mean, imagine being the poor soul who suddenly realizes that she’s the subject of a James Blunt song…)

That’s where you are right now, GGG. You met this guy who was pretty cool… but you knew him for the span of a car ride and from over a year ago. This geeky Tyler Labine-look-a-like may be the cuddly Yellow Lion of your dreams, but you don’t know the person behind the fantasy. You’ve built him into a monument to all the possibilities that you weren’t able to explore back in the day. Holding on to a dream that you built from one encounter is building hopes on a foundation of sand… especially if you suddenly show up out of nowhere and say “hey, we met once a year ago, hit me up.” Doubly so if you leave a message for him.

If you absolutely feel the need to close this particular loop, then yeah, you can take a night to go see if he still goes to Magic night. I don’t think it’s necessarily the best option, but stopping in once isn’t going to be the end of the world. But honestly? I think the better option would to take this encounter with him as inspiration. You have a much better idea of what you want now and – importantly – you know not to let the moment pass you by when it presents itself. Dating may feel weird and strange after having been away from it for so long, but the fundamentals haven’t changed. You still need the right person in the right place, at the right time. Now that you’re in a place to explore this side of your sexuality, the best thing you can do is make sure that you’re in a place where you can take full advantage of opportunities when they present themselves.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 21f and he’s 22m. We met online and clicked almost immediately and spoke everyday for at least 8 months. We’d wake up and talk to each other, text each other while we were working our summer jobs, text each other about the little things we were doing during the day. We both found each other to be attractive and would flirt and had a lot of stuff in common. I casually mentioned that I could see us dating since we got along so well, but he is Christian (he seems to be more so on the liberal side tbh) and would like someone he dates to share his faith which I understood. I’m not religious. We continued to talk as usual, and then about two months ago he mentions he reconnected with this girl online that he met a few years back (same site that we met on) who he started to like. They started talking again at around the same time we connected, with maybe a one month span of time between. I had no idea until he sprung it up on me. If I had known I would have fallen back as to not get too emotionally involved. And then they made it official.

It sucked because I started to develop feelings for him but I put those feelings aside and congratulated him. It brought up a lot of bad feelings on my end which I’m ashamed of, but I kept them to myself and kept my cool. After that, I took a social media break of about one month due to a depressive episode I was having and to sort through the feelings for him I had. In the back of my mind I had a feeling this would happen but it happened so suddenly that I felt like I didn’t have much time to prepare and cope. 

We recently reconnected and I feel sad because it feels different. It feels weird to not talk to him everyday. For us to both be online and for me to respond to his posts but for him to not respond to mine when he did in the past. For us not to text each other as soon as we wake up, and talk all day about anything until we went to sleep. To not refer to each other as nicknames we have each other (and I admit this point might be over analyzing haha). To laugh at stupid memes and flirt and joke…I miss it. I know that it’s an adjustment I have to make but it does suck, I’m not gonna lie. I talk to guys here and there but it’s been a while since I felt excited at the thought of being with someone. Even if I couldn’t be with him romantically (and he absolutely does not have to return any feelings I have) it felt good to have someone to talk to al day that I click with on many levels. 

I guess my main thing is this: Sometimes I wonder if I was just there to fill avoid until he found someone to actually be with. Like he got some emotional fulfillment from us talking everyday without any sort of commitment involved. It really hurts to think about. But on the more positive side, I hope he spoke to me all the time because he genuinely enjoyed doing so. Its like I feel used in a way, but don’t have any reason to because there were no promises made. And the kicker is that I asked him if the flirting meant anything and he said there were no romantic feelings on his end, we were just friends who flirted…and I felt salty. And I feel ashamed for feeling that way. I try to remind myself that as long as I interacted with him in a genuine way I have nothing to be ashamed of but it still feels bad.

So I don’t know. What do you think? Friends who just flirted and probably spoke to each other too much and too often throughout the day? Just someone there to fulfill his emotional needs until someone else came along? Or something in between? I feel like I’m overreacting somehow. Especially considering the fact that no promises were made and I never met him in real life. I just feel left behind and abandoned in some weird way.

Sincerely,

Replacement Goldfish

DEAR REPLACEMENT GOLDFISH: Honestly, RG, I think you’re making more of this than there is. There are certainly folks out there – men and women both – who will flirt and string people along because they like the attention and emotional intimacy. They get a slight thrill from the imbalance of the relationship, knowing that they put in minimum effort to keep the other person on the line. They get all the rewards of a relationship – the emotional intimacy, the connection, the feeling of being desired – without any investment of their own. There’s none of that pesky commitment or having to maintain things. All they have to do is give just enough attention to keep hope alive until they find a better option.

But I don’t think that’s what happened here.

There are two key clues here as to what actually went down. The first is that he had been talking with this other woman for approximately the same amount of time that he was talking to you. If it’d been the case that she breezed back into his life as suddenly as she’d left it and he’d always had a thing for her… yeah, I could see him using you as a placeholder for the one he REALLY wanted. But that didn’t happen. It was an organic process that lead to his deciding to make things serious with her.

The other key is that he gave you a soft “no” early on. While there are definitely Christians who believe firmly in the whole “unequally yoked” bulls

t from 2 Corinthians, the way he presented this sounds less like a “I can only date within my faith” and more of a “oh, if only things were different, then perhaps but as such, I must live with the regret.” This is a way of softening the rejection and putting the blame on Jesus instead of telling you “you’re cool and we’re great friends but I just don’t like you that way.”

So while I think he enjoyed your friendship, I don’t think he was keeping you around to pass the time until Ms. Right came along.

And while it’s a shame that the friendship has faded… well, there’re lots of reasons for that. One may be that he feels that having such a flirty friendship is inappropriate now that he’s in a committed relationship. Another may be that this relationship just faded, as many do. Not every friendship lasts forever or maintains the same level of intensity. Some flare bright at first, then burn low.

I don’t think you were being used. You had a flirty friendship. Now that friendship is less intense and less flirty. You were more invested in this than he was and, honestly, more than is reasonable considering that you two hadn’t met in person or had any expectation of a relationship. It’s a shame that things have changed, sure… but that’s how things go sometimes.

The best thing I think you can do is either adjust your view of this relationship and accept it for what it is. And if you can’t, if it’s too painful for you? Then the best thing to do is let it go.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: long time reader first time asker etc,

So I guess I’m a former Nice Guy. Read every nice guy article on the internet and 8 years later, I super feel no one has like an obligation to love me, just like I don’t have an obligation to love anyone else. I started trying to fix myself, going to the gym, being more social, making better fashion choices, etc. I’m no longer afraid of “The Friend Zone” because that actually means I have friends. A ton of girls friend-zoned me in the past, but it’s no problem. It’s more like, cool now I have a bunch of super hot strictly platonic friends.

But also I’m like 27 and a virgin so something may still be wrong here. I think my issue may be more about expressing myself. I’m pretty good about making friends and talking to people, but I think I’m really bad about making my intentions know. A lot of times, I get interpreted as more than a platonic friend. I guess I’ve seen so many horror stories where dudes flip out or come on too strong OR doing what I’ve been doing and coming off not strong enough. I have this tendency of saying “Hey friend, I have feeling for you and or I think you’re, like, super attractive” is like a weird thing that had no warning and came out of left field because I tend to have anxieties about that. So it all just sorta gushes out.

How do I make it very clear I’m interested in someone romantically without coming on too strongly… or coming on like I’m just a strictly platonic friend that isn’t at all interested in going on a date? How do I reconcile this with the fact that typically I’m usually not going to be attracted to someone until I’ve spoken to them a few times

Sincerely

Doing Better, Needs Work

DEAR DOING BETTER, NEEDS WORK: First of all, DBNW, congratulations on all the effort you’ve been putting in. I know you’re feeling a little frustrated right now because you feel like you’ve stalled out. But the fact that you’ve done so much – physically, emotionally, and socially – to improve yourself is really admirable. You should know that I’m proud of just how hard you’ve been working and how far you’ve come.

The reason why you feel like you’re doing something wrong is because you’ve been making so much progress. Think of your self-improvement like you’re playing a computer RPG. Your life up until you started your self-improvement was essentially the tutorial level; you’re getting used to the systems and discovering what the goals are and getting primed for some of the content that’s coming later in the game. Once you decided to start making changes, you were going through the initial challenges. Hitting the gym, working on being more social, improving your sense of style? Those were all part of how you were grinding through early game content. But there’s only so much you can do in this stage before you can no longer reap the rewards from those challenges. You’ve leveled up and they’re not as difficult for you, so you’re going to see diminishing returns until… well, basically, until you stall out. These don’t test you the way that they did before.  You’ve leveled out of the starter area and now it’s time to take on your next challenge.

So now it’s time to take on your next series of challenges – in this case, facing down your anxieties and taking what you’ve learned about not being a Nice Guy and applying it to your life. These are going to seem more intimidating and more difficult because they’re going to push you in ways that you haven’t been pushed before. You’re going to have to force yourself out of your comfort zone and take chances that seem out of character for you. You’re going to have to run the risk of getting rejected – many times – so that you can learn to find the approach that works for you.

And that starts with recognizing that there’s nothing wrong with your being interested in them. Your being attracted to somebody isn’t an imposition on them. Despite what angry dudes on subreddits and YouTube comments will tell you, women don’t find it insulting that you’re into them. The issue is in howsomebody expresses that interest. Light flirting and asking someone on a date isn’t crossing a line or coming on too strong… especially if you take rejection with grace and dignity. The guy who sends overly familiar and way over-sexual messages to women on dating apps or social media? That dude is the one who’s creeping women out. Same with guys who ignore women’s disinterest at bars or parties or who take “no” – including soft “no’s” like “I’m busy” or “I’m not ready to date” as a sign to keep going or to try harder.

That worry you feel about being that guy? That’s going to be a big part of what keeps you from being him. But at the same time, you have to be willing to not let that worry or anxiety paralyze you into inaction. You’re going to have to be able to own your attraction and express that interest in a respectful manner.

(And trust me on this: don’t try to mute your anxieties through, say, alcohol. It may turn down the volume on your anxiety, but it also turns down the volume on your sense of good judgement and ability to read signals, so you could end up creeping on people without intending to.)

The easiest way to do this is to be friendly and flirty with people you may be into. It’s easier to have a flirty vibe from the jump – even if you ultimately decide you want to be friends – than it is to try to switch gears from platonic to sexual or romantic. You also want to get comfortable with just asking somebody out on a date, rather than confessing to being attracted to them or having feelings. The former is active and has you taking the initiative; you’re asking them to come do something with you and telling them that you’re interested in them at the same time. The latter is more passive and puts some pressure on them. You’ve basically dropped your feels at their feet like a cat dropping a mouse and asking them to do something with it.

It also helps to remember that flirting is just a way of telling somebody that you like them in ways that are fun and engaging. People tend to get hung up on the mechanics of “what counts as flirting” instead of the message of flirting. Some people will flirt directly – paying someone compliments and telling them that they think they’re hot. Others will tease and banter. Still others are physical and expressive and do a lot of playful touching. Finding the form of flirting that works for you is a key part of learning how to come across as a potential lover instead of a potential friend.

I won’t lie, DBNW: this part can be hard. It can be intimidating. It’s going to take the same level of work and dedication that you applied to getting fit and being more social. But trust me: in the end, it will be worth it. And soon enough, you’ll realize that you’ve reached your next plateau… and your next challenge.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a woman who’s now nearer to 30 than I am 20, and I’ve never been in a long term relationship or had sex. I’m aware that romance and sex isn’t the end-all-be-all of life, and in fact I know now that I’m Bi-Ace and sometimes teeter on calling myself Aro. I generally also have a tough time developing close friendships with new people though I feel like I’m well liked by most people that meet me.

Most of the time I’m fine with this, and then every once in a while I’ll develop a crush or even start feeling romance between myself and my friends. So far this hasn’t come to anything since my crushes are so rare I usually get turned down (and almost everybody is super cool about it), and I usually end up mutually deciding with my friends, yes we should just continue being friends. Often this is because my life is a mess and I’m not really independent and it’s hard to want to be in a relationship when I’m a grown woman basically doing the living-in-the-parents-basement equivalent. It’s embarrassing as hell.

That’s a lot of background to mostly just show where I’m coming from when I say while I’m comfortable with becoming that weird single granny down the street with three cats, two dogs and cookies without ever getting married, I’m worried. I worry when/if I do find romance my lack of trying up to this point will have hamstrung me for sexual and emotional compatibility.

Do I need to start forcing myself to go out and find dates and sex in order to develop skills and maybe find that possible romance? Or should I just carry on continuing to try to get my life together and THEN become more open to intimacy and maybe let romance find me?

Future Cat Lady

DEAR FUTURE CAT LADY: If you’re not actually that interested in sex or relationships and the times you do find someone attractive are few and far between, then I don’t see why you should force yourself out there, FCL. I mean, if you’re content with your social life as it is and you don’t feel like you have an actual lack in your life… well, if it’s not broke, then why try to fix it?

It sounds to me like your living situation is the bigger issue in your life at the moment. If you feel like you need more independence and want to get some separation from your parents, then it makes sense to me that you would make this your priority over dates that you may or may not be into. Plus, solving these issues will do wonders for your confidence and let you feel like you’re in a place where you can respond if you do find someone you’re into.

The thing to keep in mind is that romance is about the connection and your feelings, not the special techniques and clever stratagems. Awkwardly stumbling into a relationship is just as real and valid (and adorable) as being the smoothest operator.

Focus on your immediate priorities. I suspect the rest will sort itself out for you as you go.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve found myself in another break up recently and as much as it sucks, things were handled reasonably and amicably. I’m trying to move on with my life and handle it the best I can. I’m still in contact with my most recent ex, we still joke, talk about our future, stuff between mutual friends, but there’s still a major imbalance; they rely on me for emotional support sometimes. I’m okay with that. It’s a bit difficult to handle sometimes but I set that aside because I still care for them a lot, but I’ve been realizing it’s a very one sided ship. I can’t come to them with any of my problems or struggles or fears anymore, and honestly, it’s draining.

I’m at a loss for what to do. On one hand, I really want to keep in touch with them, but on the other hand, I had to cut out a previous ex soon after we broke up because again it felt like they’d only approach me for support. I feel like I’m being used here and I’m just not sure what to make of it.

Sincerely, Tired

DEAR TIRED:I wish you gave more of an example of what you mean by your not being able to come to them with your problems or struggles, Tired. That’d give me much more of an idea of just what you should do here. Is it a case of benign neglect, where they don’t think to ask about how you’re doing? Or is it something more active, where they refuse to engage, or tell you that your problems don’t matter to them any more?

Regardless, the thing you need to keep in mind is that you do have the right to advocate for your needs… even with your exes. If you two are going to try to be friends, then part of being friends is your being able to tell her that you feel like this is a very one-sided relationship. Let her know that you feel like you’re doing a lot of giving and that you’re not getting anything in return.

It’s entirely possible that she may not realize just how much she’s leaning on you or how little she’s doing for you.

Alternately, if she is making demands on you for emotional support and refusing to give that same level of support in return, you can refuse to give it. You can make that a boundary in your relationship. You’re allowed to say “hey, if we’re going to try to be friends, then I can’t keep being your emotional support animal like this. I care for you and I’m glad we’re still friends, but this is going to be a hard limit for me.”

And if she’s not willing to respect that boundary?

Then she’s shown that she’s not willing to be a good friend to you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a year now and things are going great. My girlfriend doesn’t have a problem with watching pornography and vice versa. The problem is that recently when I was on a chat site, a random stranger started giving me compliments and it lead to us sexting (without webcams, just text). Now I have no plans on talking to this person ever again, so it was just a one off masturbation session in front of my pc, but is this worse than watching a porn, or even a form of cheating?

One Free Hand

DEAR ONE FREE HAND: It’s definitely not the same as watching porn. Porn is a one-sided event. You watch the video, maybe interact a little if it’s a video game, but ultimately it’s a solo endeavor. There’s you and a box of tissues, that’s it. Porn doesn’t care about getting YOU off specifically; it’s put out into the world for a general audience. Whomever gets off to it is ultimately irrelevant as long as the company that produced it gets the MSRP, clicks or subscription fees. Striking up a sexting session with a stranger from Snapchat, Chatrubate or some other app, on the other hand is interactive. There’s another person involved, even when it’s just text back and forth. It’s the difference between watching someone on a porn-site and paying for a one-on-one webcam show where the same porn star performs specifically for you. It’s not just masturbating, it’s interaction. Someone else is directly contributing to your resulting orgasm.

So no, this isn’t the same as a solo session with the Pornhub open with your mouse in one hand and you in the other.

But is this a form of cheating? Well that’s where you get into a questionable area. Some people – and you’ll be hearing from them in the comments – will tell you that yes, that is unequivocally cheating. Some would argue that it’s not that different from going to a strip-club and getting some high-contact lap-dances. Some will say that because there was no actual contact involved, it’s not quite the same; at the very least, it’s a lesser offense than actually going out and having massage with a happy ending.

Ultimately it comes down to the arrangement you have with your girlfriend. Some people have complete monogamy – no kissing anyone but your partner, no touching of breasts, butts or genitals, no outside help getting any orgasms at all. Some are more monogamish — hat tip to Dan Savage — where there is somewhat more leeway in what is or isn’t cheating. Maybe someone else masturbating you is ok but oral sex isn’t. Or oral’s cool but no penetration. Still other couples are have open relationships; sex outside the relationship is allowed, within the agreed-upon rules

But the key to all of these is that they were negotiated in advance. Going outside what everybody agreed to means that yes, you’re totally cheating.

Because of the way our culture tends to view relationships, in an exclusive relationship, traditional monogamy is the assumed default unless otherwise specified. I think that’s a mistake and people should make this part of their Defining The Relationship conversation… but most people are going to assume that outside contact isn’t permitted.

So was this sexting session cheating? Well, let’s put it this way: do you feel that if you were to tell your girlfriend about this, she’d be upset? If so, then it’s probably a safe bet that she’s going to consider it cheating and your ass is going to be in trouble.

And to be perfectly honest, she’s not wrong to be upset about it. I’ll freely admit that my views on cheating are nuanced and that not all affairs are equal, this was still a crappy thing to do. This isn’t what I would consider a relationship-destroying event, but it’s definitely something that would put you in the doghouse until your girlfriend decided to forgive you.

Now, it’s entirely possible that she might not consider it cheating. You don’t know until you’ve talked with her. And hey, this may be your impetuous to define terms and make sure that the two of you are on the same page with regards to what is and isn’t allowed in your relationship.

But if you want a definitive answer as to whether this was cheating? You’re going to have to ask your girlfriend.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a sophomore in college, wrapping up my second year. I’m fairly heavily introverted, and I tend to relegate my free time to online gaming, which is more socially manageable. At least that’s what I tell myself.

About three years ago, I was introduced to a female gamer, “Player X,” by a male online acquaintance of ours, “Player Y.” Unfortunately, it was at a time when I was headed out the door as far as online activity goes. I had just finished high school and gotten a crummy full time job until college. For all intents and purposes, I dropped off of Player X’s radar for two years. During that time, she developed a close friendship with Player Y, although they don’t call it more than that.

At the start of my sophomore year, I got back into the gaming scene with the release of a new MMORPG that caught my attention. I reconnected with Players X and Y, and we’ve been doing online activities together almost daily for the past nine months or so. I’ve really taken a liking to her, and I awkwardly let them both know, individually, in December. Player X didn’t confess a reciprocation or flat out reject me in the moment, and she seems to have taken it well. However, Player Y finally admitted to me that he also has feelings for her; he’s apparently been patiently waiting for her to turn to him in a romantic sense all this time. My relationship with Player Y has been strained since then.

In the past months, Player X and I have become somewhat closer at the expense of my friendship with Player Y. He’s somewhat jealous and controlling, which has led to a certain distance between the two of them. They recently “patched things up” after a lengthy ordeal that hasn’t fully resolved. I’m worried that their relationship is unhealthy, but I went out of my way to support her by letting her know that I was ok with him being around if that’s what she wants. It’s difficult because I can be passive aggressive about these things.

In June, Player X will graduate from college. I don’t know how available she will be for online activities, and I’m guessing that she probably doesn’t either. She’s got her whole life ahead of her, after all. Nevertheless, I feel like I’m approaching this unfathomable cliff as time rolls on. She’s shared a decent amount of her personal life with me up to this point, but she’s held onto her anonymity this entire time. Somewhere along the lines, it got into my head that I could blink and she’d be gone. I’ve asked about contact information previously on a similar matter (I was going to be away for work for a couple of weeks), and she gave me an email address associated with her online pseudonym, keeping her identity on the quiet side. Neither of which were comforting but accepted.

Lately, I’ve been wanting to talk to Player X about slowly moving our friendship from online to offline. I want to meet her someday for lunch, drinks, a concert, dancing, etc. I don’t know where to begin to communicate any of this with her without potentially pushing her away. I’ve been working on building trust and stability between the two of us, but it hasn’t been easy with her attention divided between Player Y and me. The whole thing seems like a mess when you get down to the details, and there’s days when I feel like walking away from it all. However, spending time with her has become an integral part of my life, and it I don’t want to give it up. Any advice you have would be welcome.

Thanks for your time,

Player Z

DEAR PLAYER Z: I hate to say it, Player Z but you’re not playing the game you think you are.  You think you’re on the road to romance with the mysterious Player X. You’re working under the idea that every time Player Y comes into the chat room with the two of you, somebody’s just stepped up, slapped down his quarters and he’s competing with you for the hand of Player X.

In reality… not so much.

You and Player Y aren’t in competition here because a) women aren’t a prize to be won and b) she doesn’t want to take things offline.

Sorry.

I hate to be the one to tell you this but if X was interested in getting in contact with you out in the real world, she wouldn’t still be holding off on giving you her real name or she wouldn’t have given you a burner email account that’s not connected to her real-world identity. You’ve been hanging out with her and your buddy/rival Y for the last 9 months – that’s more than enough time for her to get comfortable enough with you to at least give you her first name, which she hasn’t. This should be your big clue as to where this is all going. She has made the conscious decision to keep you at a few steps removed from her real life. You’re not Facebook friends, you don’t follow each other on Twitter or Instagram. You just have the game. And that’s where she wants to leave it.

Maybe she has reasons. Maybe this is her fantasy life and it doesn’t resemble her real one at all. Maybe she’s had a bad experience with stalkers. Or maybe she doesn’t want to encourage your crush but doesn’t want to hurt you by outright rejecting you either.

This has nothing to do with her relationship – platonic or otherwise – with Player Y and it has this has everything to do with the one she has with YOU. The fact is that you’re a gaming buddy, maybe a Guild-y but that’s it. Even if Player Y were to suddenly disappear in a cloud of logic and sulfur, Player X just isn’t into you. If she were even slightly interested in being more than a gaming bud – even just platonic friends –  you’d know more than her handle. But you don’t. And that, ultimately, is that.

(And as an aside: Player Y isn’t exactly covering himself in glory by waiting for her feelings to turn romantic. He’s likely going to be waiting a long, long time.)

The best thing you could do is accept this and move on. There will be other women – women who want to actually get to know you in real life and actually go do date-type things out in the real world instead of in the hub between end-game raids.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)