DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m an older-than-I-want-to-say woman. There’s a guy at my job who is the same age. We’ve been flirting for probably about a year now. I always took it as ‘play’ flirting, although he would occasionally mention that I hadn’t given him my number, his weekend could have been better (wink, wink), etc. I was reluctant because I wasn’t sure I was into him. Plus, I worried that we might end up hating each other if we tried to connect on a different level (hey, it happens sometimes).

About a month and a half ago, my feelings began to change. He has been really affectionate; always coming in for hugs and giving me sweet pecks on the face and neck. I thought he was really sweet and attentive. So I decided to give him my number. But, it was after I told him why I had been reluctant (didn’t want us to hate each other), and mentioning that I’m not really a phone person.

Well, he didn’t call me. I chalked it up to probably having scared him off, and didn’t take it personally. I privately teased him a little about being scared off, and things were basically the same. (For the record, to my knowledge, there’s maybe only one other person who knows about he and I). About two weeks later, he approached me and said he would call me. I was excited; I was off that weekend and hoped we could maybe spend a little time beginning to get to know each other better.

Well, he didn’t call me. I was a little pissed. I felt like he was trying to make a fool of me; just wanting to see how far I would take it. While I didn’t cease communication, I was distant. It was evident I wasn’t pleased. But he remained the same. He continued to reach out to me. Eventually I let it go and things went back to the way they’d always been.

In fact, things seemed to get even better. I should mention that I had never asked/confronted him about not calling me. I didn’t want things to be awkward at work for either of us, and I didn’t want it to seem like I was running behind him.

So the flirting seemed to intensify, and I finally felt comfortable enough to ask him why he never called. He said he’d lost my number. He then proceeded to give me his number. He seemed sincere and I was thrilled. Again, it was my weekend off and I had the same hopes as before.

That was Friday. I called him Saturday afternoon. I immediately sensed a shift. While I don’t think he was physically with someone based on some things he said, it was immediately evident that he wasn’t thrilled to hear from me. We talked about 15 minutes, he ended the conversation, and he didn’t indicate any interest in continuing phone contact. I was hurt and embarrassed. I decided that I was done. I don’t know if he has someone, just isn’t interested in me, or a little of both. Either way, it’s clear he’s not interested. It sucks, but that’s life.

The problem is he continues with the same degree of flirting. Initially I didn’t think I had an issue with this, but I find myself becoming increasingly depressed (this isn’t the only reason for this, but it’s in the top three). I have tried distancing myself from him, which isn’t too difficult at my job, but he seeks me out. He definitely notices that I am distant and goes out of his way to reach out. I believe my issue is that twice I have given him the benefit of the doubt, continued to play along, and both times been disappointed, rejected, and hurt. I’m reluctant to play along again. I feel like the joke is on me but I’m not in on it. He dangles a carrot in front of me and when I reach for it, he snatches it away.

I honestly don’t know what is up with him. I’m afraid to ask for fear of seeming desperate and of getting my feelings hurt. And frankly, it doesn’t matter. He’s obviously not into me. My question is: what do you think is going on with him, and how should I navigate this minefield at work? I don’t want things to be awkward and uncomfortable. But I also don’t want my heartstrings tugged and trampled every day.

Maybe Yes Maybe No

DEAR MAYBE YES MAYBE NO: There’s a aphorism that was coined by Robert Heinlein: Hanlon’s Razor. According to Hanlon’s Razor, you should never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. I don’t think your work flirt buddy is trying to string you along or is deliberately playing with your emotions. I think what’s far more likely is that he has no idea that you’re as invested in this as you actually are.

Something that a lot of people often don’t realize is that some people are just flirty. Just as some people enjoy making bad puns and others relate everything to sports, some people default to flirty behavior. It’s just an aspect of their personality, something they do because hey, it’s fun to flirt. The problem is that not everybody flirts for sport. Some people don’t appreciate being flirted with and some don’t appreciate people who flirt without intent. This misalignment can result in irritation and hurt feelings, especially if the flirter doesn’t recognize when someone else is taking it seriously.

(Although, pecks on the cheek and neck are just… well, hope he has better social calibration than he seems, because otherwise that’s a “yikes” from me, bro.)

Now that having been said, it’s also possible that there’s misalignment in other areas cropping up. The first is that you handed him your number and then told him that you’re not really a phone person. While I can’t speak for your coworker, to me, that would seem like some mixed signals. From the way you phrased it here, I think he might be forgiven for hearing “here’s my number, never use it.”

It’s also possible that he’s not comfortable talking on the phone. While it’s more common in millenials and younger generations, a lot of folks hate talking on the phone with the heat of a thousand suns. For them, texting is the way they prefer to communicate; someone calling on the phone feels awkward and makes them anxious. So you might have had better luck sending him a flirty text.

You might also have taken the initiative earlier than you did and made the first move yourself instead of waiting by the phone for him to call. While you may have had the same results – an uncomfortable and awkward conversation that went nowhere – at least you would’ve realized that this isn’t what you want or need.

Regardless, this series of near-misses, miscommunications or just plain incompatibility has lead to a point where you’re actively confused and upset. That’s why the thing you should do is what you should’ve done a while ago: use your words with this guy. While I understand your worry about appearing desperate, I think you’re well within your rights to say “Dude, what the fuck?” Trying to get some clarity isn’t desperate, it’s the first step in establishing some much-needed boundaries. If he’s a flirts-for-fun guy and you’re not a flirts-for-fun kind of lady, then the best thing you can do is say “I appreciate the flirting but if you don’t mean it, I don’t want it.”  If he does mean it and he’s having his own debate of “wait, is she interested or not”, then now he’ll know where you stand. Then the two of you can try to hash out whether you want to give things another shot while everybody’s on the same page.

Pulling him aside and having a much-needed convo about just what’s going on, how it’s making you feel and how you would prefer to interact from now on will do you a world of good. It may not get you any meaningful answers, but at least you’ll have cleared up any lingering confusion.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been in the scene for a little over a year now after taking an entire quarter+ of my life off of dating. I’m 26 and coming around to the idea that I’m not a bad looking guy and that I have a certain charm. Anyway, there’s a girl. She’s a little younger and a lot more experienced. The problem: I live in Kentucky and she only lives here part time. After an amazing few dates, she left town for her other part time home on the west coast. She’s been there a week and a half now and won’t be back for three more weeks, and then she’ll be here for about four weeks, then off to the beaches again.

I told her I liked her and she said she liked me too. It’s casual because she does not live here and doesn’t know if she’ll even live in the US in six months. I knew that going in. But what I can’t take is the lack of communication. She doesn’t ever text me first and when I text her she replies like six hours later at best and it’s usually only a few words. I don’t even know if I should be texting her at all and that drives me nuts too. She said she would let me know when she’s back in town and ready to hang out, and that makes me wonder if I should even ask her out when she’s back. If she doesn’t ask me out I know I will have to – I’m not going to ghost myself – but I guess my question is, how can I make sure she’s still interested without putting her off? Last time I said I thought she was awesome over text she gave me a “haha” and the memory haunts me. 

Relatedly, is it healthy to convince yourself that nothing is wrong and you’re just being anxious? I haven’t been able to do that but I’ve been trying. I’ve failed because I think too logically and I know that I cant be sure that nothing is wrong even if I know that at one point she liked me.

From,

Simply Clueless

DEAR SIMPLY CLUELESS: Alright, there’re a few problems here DI, and the first is that you’re seriously over-invested. Now I get it: you haven’t had much dating experience and you’ve hit it off with this awesome woman who thinks you’re a fair bit of alright too. It’s totally understandable that you’re a little twitterpated and all caught up in the thrill and novelty of it all. But the truth is that you’re giving this relationship far more importance and significance than it really deserves. You know, intellectually, that this is a relationship with an uncertain future at best and that you’re going to see each other sporadically, if at all.

Those are all signs that this isn’t the relationship to be putting as many emotional investments in. But that’s what you’re doing, which is exactly why you’re in the emotional state you’re in.

Right now, you’re putting far too much thought into the meaning of everything, especially for what is ultimately a fairly casual relationship, particularly a long-distance casual relationship. I strongly suspect that as much as you see this as casual, this is more casual for her than it is for you. You’ve invested more than she has and you’re expecting more in return than I think she has to offer. And I think you may know this at some level; that’s part of why you’re so caught up with reading the tea-leaves and trying to divine meaning from silence and the length of her replies. The conflict between what you’re hoping for and what you’re feeling is triggering your anxiety.

Part of why we all get so hung up on the “OH GOD WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN” is because of the ambiguity of the situation. You want one result but you feel like the other is happening and the tension between the two – that sense of uncertainty – is incredibly uncomfortable. You don’t want to be right, but you’re afraid you are and you’re trying to find proof you’re wrong.  That’s why little things like an innocuous response to your text is keeping you up at night: you’re trying to make this fit between your hopes and fears.

Unfortunately, the answer to this is to collapse this particular dating quantum waveform and accept that she’s not into you the way that you’re into her. Yeah, I realize this is the opposite of what you’re hoping for. But here’s the thing: this will actually ease your anxiety. Having an answer, period, will settle you down. Yes, even when it’s not the answer you’re hoping for. The certainty will feel far better to you than constantly being on edge, trying to figure out where this is going and what you’re doing wrong.

Now this doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you or won’t want to see you when she’s in town. It just means that she’s not looking for something that’s going to continue beyond when the two of you are in physical proximity to one another.  If she’s in town, she’ll want to see you, but texting and staying in regular touch doesn’t seem to be what she’s looking for. If you want this to have a chance of working, then you need to adjust your expectations accordingly.

I think it may help to think of this as akin to a summer romance: glorious and exciting but temporary… but all the sweeter for its brevity. Don’t take it as a sign that you’re undesirable or unwanted, but as proof that there are people who dig you and what you have to offer. Take the thrill, the experience and the confidence you gain from this short term relationship and let that help power and motivate you as you look for something closer what you want in the long term… and possibly closer to home.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve got a situation that would really benefit from your advice. You know how you say monogamy is agreeing to not bang other people, not an agreement to never want to bang other people? Well, this is pretty much that. Buckle up, it’s background story time:

Back in 2013 I met a guy called Pete*. We fell into a FWB set up from the beginning, which was what we both wanted. We bonded quickly and the sex was phenomenal. I had been going through an awful time for several years, pretty much everything from finances to a burgeoning drug and alcohol problem. Pete was my rock, and going to his place was one of the few calm, sane moments of my life. So obviously, I catch feelings.

I didn’t stop sleeping with Pete. I did put out the feelers to see if a relationship was on the cards, but for some very good reasons, he didn’t feel capable of being in a relationship. My feelings aside, Pete was a great friend and I’m good enough at compartmentalizing that I can be happy with what we had. Meanwhile, I had several other FWBs and I was parting hard and banging a lot of dudes.

Start of 2015, I moved across the country. I was still partying, and got some new FWBs and some casual relationships. Only one serious relationship, and that ended in utter heartbreak. Pete and I are still talking, still friends. He felt ready to start dating again, which was hard to deal with, but I made peace with it and felt like I’d successfully moved on. Completely unintentionally, we both kept having breakups within months of each other, and sleeping together post breakup became our “thing”.

He was never using me, and he’s always been honest with me. He’s a great guy, there was just bad timing. Besides, there’s a lot of reasons we’re much better off as friends. We really wouldn’t last if we had a relationship, believe me.

After a few years in my new town, I met Carl* on holiday. After talking for months, we realize we have feelings for each other, and now I live in his country. We’re getting married in August. He’s absolutely the guy for me, and we’re brilliant together. I’ve not had a lot of serious relationships, but this is the best I’ve ever felt with someone.

We have one issue, and that’s sex. It’s regular, and it’s improving, but it’s not quite there. There’s a few reasons why that is. Firstly he’s only just getting confident and comfortable. We also temporarily live with his parents, which puts a bit of a dampener on things, and he’s away every other week for work.

Then there’s my past. I was self destruction partying for 10 straight years, and my hobby was essentially drinking heavily, upping my number of sexual partners, and getting into wild, crazy situations. I was very good at it. My number got to the triple digits and snorting coke of a stripper mid foursome doesn’t even make my top 5 of crazy. A bit before I got with Carl, I was trying to sort my life out, but sudden monogamy has still been a bit jarring. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been and I’m genuinely enthusiastic about monogamy, but I’m kinda having to relearn sex and distinguish between stuff I enjoyed and stuff that was just for the craziness.

Anyway, Pete met a woman around the time Carl happened, and was even taking about marriage. We’re pretty much best friends by now, and I was happy for him. But just after New Years, Pete told me they’d split. We got talking, and soon started joking about the break up booty call situation, as well as reminiscing about non-sexual time together. Neither of us pushed it, but the conversation slipped into flirting and alluding to memories of sex. Somehow, the conversation resulted in me giving him the go ahead to bash one out to old photos and videos of me.

We’ve been talking more regularly since then, and the conversation invariably goes at least somewhat that way every time. And obviously, this has gotten to be an issue. In our latest conversation, he told me that his ex had photos of him on her Fetlife account. We joked about forbidden fruit, the conversation itself was above board. But I made a huge leap over the line, not to mention stalker-ish and a bit mental. I made a fake account and searched for the ex, scrolling though member lists of people in her town. And I found the pictures. Not only are they ridiculously hot, there’s also a few of them involving a kink that I never knew he had, and it’s one of my biggies.

The chemistry between us is definitely not dead, I feel like I used to when I was driving to his place. I’m getting giggly, I’m getting giddy, just his name popping up on my screen is starting to turn me on, and I’m having fantasies of banging him or of him professing his undying love to me. It’s 2014 all over again.

I’m in no way planning on cheating on Carl, and it’s not making me doubt the future marriage. Carl and I have maybe gotten a bit too comfortable with each other, we need to spark up again and make sex naughty instead of a nice end to the day. It’s an area that needs work and I’m happy to do it. Pete wouldn’t sleep with someone in a relationship either. And even if we did actively want to bang, I’m a four hour flight away, and a 4 hour drive from the airport. Basically, there’s zero risk of anything happening.

That said, I’m messing myself up a bit with this. The Pete issue was dead and buried, and now I’m waking it back up again and with no good reason. I know fantasies aren’t cheating, but I think a lot of this is at least in a grey area. I’m also finding that part of me doesn’t want to stop, and that’s not good, is it?

How do I cut this off, Doc? I don’t just wanna freeze Pete out, he’s my best friend, and we easily managed to talk non-sexually with each other since we both got into relationships. We can be “just friends”. Is there a way to switch this off and go back to considering him a bro? Can I bury this again? Or am I gonna have to lose a best friend?

PS: I have a therapist and I am talking to her about it but your perspective on things like this is always great.

Simmer Down

DEAR SIMMER DOWN: It’s times like this that I think of The Happy Pervert’s Prayer: “Lead me not into temptation because I know the way just fine, thanks.”

There’re a couple of issues here that feed into one another, SD. The first is that you’re in something of a transitional period. It’s good that you’re getting your crap sorted – one of the most important parts of any relationship is to make sure that you’re in good working order – but as I’m sure you’re learning: it’s a process. You’re having to unlearn old habits and carve new grooves into your brain. And even though you know intellectually that some of the stuff you were doing was just craziness for craziness’ sake, it takes a lot of effort to break out of old patterns. The human brain is lazy, and it prefers to do what it’s used to. Trying to start new patterns requires energy and effort; the old and familiar means that you can coast on autopilot.

Plus, there’s the addiction angle; even self-destructive behavior can trigger a dopamine rush, and your brain wants more of that. So when you start to change those patterns, your brain will fight you every step of the way so it can keep getting that happy dopamine buzz. It will deliberately flood you with cravings to make you go get that rush. Anyone who’s ever tried to change their diet or give up things like sodas or caffeine know that feeling; you’re fine, you’re fine, you’re fine OH GOD GIVE ME ALL THE DIET DR. PEPPER RIGHT THE HELL NOW NOW NOW.

This is what’s known as an “extinction burst” and it’s an insidious way our brains sabotage us because brains just don’t give a damn.

So that’s one part of the puzzle.

The next is the sexual side of things between you and your fiancé. As you said: things are rocky right now. There’re a lot of understandable reasons for it, sure… but it’s still rough. And once again: the fact that you recognize intellectually that issues aren’t your fault doesn’t change the fact that your brain (and your junk) doesn’t care. You essentially have to muscle through the tough times; you have to be reminding your jerk brain that things are doing better and the reason why it’s not all four alarm fires and crazy rodeo-banging is because hey, timing sucks right now!

And then there’s Pete. Pete is known. Pete is familiar. You’re having to work with Carl, but you know things with Pete was relatively effortless. And once again, we have the intellect vs. the sensual: you know intellectually that things can’t work between you but GODDDAMN the sex was fire. Thus the problem: Carl takes work. Pete is the easier looking path. If you’ll forgive an inelegant metaphor, Carl is a delicious salad that you’re making at home while Pete is the fast food cheeseburger with large fries from the drive through.

And believe me, I understand. I have partners in my past where we could never make it as a couple but hoooo damn all those reasons disappeared when the clothes came off.

But of course, understanding the issue is only one step. The next is: “what do you do about things”?

And well, I’m reminded of the old joke.

“Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I go like this.”

“Well, stop going like that.”

The reason these temptations keep flaring up is… well, y’all keep flirting. And while I’m a firm believer that micro-cheating is bulls

t, that you can be friends with people you want to bang and that there’s nothing wrong with flirty friendships… there’s a flirty friendship and then there’s crossing the line. And honestly? With the life you’re trying to live right now, you’re not just tip-toeing up to the line, you’re playing “just the tip” with it.

If you really want to let the attraction between the two of you fade, you really need to stop feeding it. Your friendship can’t be strictly platonic if you keep poking at it and saying “hey, remember how great the sex was? Hey, wanna spank it to my pics like you used to? Man, if only we could bang like we used to BUT WE CAN’T but what if we could?”

And for real: you may have some inconveniences now… but I am willing to bet no small amount of money that one of you is going to end up in a situation where you just happen to be within a reasonable drive of one another. I’m not saying you’re going to go out of your way to make this happen… but I amsaying that you may take the opportunity when it comes up.

You’ve been putting yourself into temptation’s way and dude, I totally get it. It’s hot, it’s fun, it gets your engine running in ways that just aren’t happening with Carl right now. But the longer you do this, the easier it’s going to be for accidents to happen. Like “Oops, my finger slipped and here’s a new photo” accident. Or “Oops, I may have accidentally booked a ticket to your city”.

If you want your friendship to last and you want to maintain your relationship with Carl, then you need to start setting some boundaries between you and Pete. That means no flirting, no looking up sexy pics of each other on FetLife, no talking about how much you two still love to rub one out to the memory (or old souvenirs).

One thing that may help is adding extra layers that you have to navigate through to get to those old temptations. Remember what I said about our brains being lazy? The more inconvenient you can make it to fuel those fantasies, the less likely you are to indulge them. Doing things like putting those souvenirs out of reach and using an app to block FetLife adds extra steps to getting to those spicy pics. Yeah, you can totally turn off the app and get access… but that’s still another step to go through and there’s all the porn on the Internet that’s easier to get to.

By all means, keep talking, keep being friends, even joke about the old break-up pattern you had. But leave the sex out of it. It’s too easy to fall into old patterns and let those old habits come back. And since I know it will happen – because been there, done that, printed the t-shirt – you will hit the “Oh, we’re over this, we can totally flirt a little, it’ll be fine” wall after a few weeks. Trust me: you’re not and you can’t. That’s just the extinction burst hitting back.

Oh and while you’re at it, devote some time to having some crazy adventures with Carl. It’s good that things are improving, but you may want to devote more time and attention to solving that side of your relationship. It’s a lot easier to resist old temptations when you’ve got something new and tempting right in front of you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: It starts about a year ago:

I’m snagging some dice for a new campaign at this out of town game and comic shop one afternoon. Another customer catches my eye, ‘cause he’s just wow: working man’s gear, dirty blonde hair with serious scruff and he’s a big boy – solid with some cuddly poundage. Think Tyler Labine in Tucker and Dale vs. Evil.

He leaves, I finish up, and he’s still outside the store due to a winter sleet storm. I offer a lift and he gladly accepts. We start talking – both came from small towns, do creative writing, and dork out over Kirk coming to the civic center. He thanks me and we part ways.

Fast forward to now: After a few rocky years and much marriage counseling my wife and I call it off in December. (She was cool with my bisexuality as we both took our vows very seriously.) We still attend counseling as we’ll always be co-parents and are amicably parting.

Now I’m starting to explore the male online world and most are married guys who want secret meat on the side or dudes looking for an anonymous pump n’ dump. Neither are worth my health or self respect.

So here’s the crux: Is it cool to pop back to that store on Magic night to see if that Golden Apple of Aphrodite still hangs there – maybe grab a burger and a beer and talk geek afterwards? Or missing him, drop note with a sci-fi short story and ask him to e-mail me one of his?

Haven’t dated in years, and don’t know his preferences, but I not only liked the blind box packaging, I liked what was inside too!

~ Gaga for Geeky Grizzly

DEAR GAGA FOR GEEKY GRIZZLY: Y’know, GGG, I get a variation of this question on a regular basis. In its own way, it’s almost a universal problem: people see somebody who’s absolutely amazing but, for whatever reason, they never say a word. Now they’re left with a serious longing for what might have been and wondering what they can do to get a second chance at meeting that special someone.

And to be honest, the answer is usually “nothing”. Now to be sure: this isn’t what a lot of people want to hear. We all like to think that if there’s a person who by all accounts should be perfect for us that God, the Doctor or the universe will go out of their way to bring us together again, some way, some how. But the truth is that one of the keys to dating success is timing… and that’s often completely out of our hands. Starting a relationship with somebody is all about the intersection of three things: the right person, the right place and the right time. If those three don’t synch up, then even people would would otherwise be a scorching couple will fail to connect. It’s nobody’s fault, just a cruel twist of fate… but all the more frustrating for it. Sometimes you’ll meet the right person in the right place… but the time will simply be wrong. You may not be in a place in your life where you can act on your interest. They may not be in a place where they’re available or open to a relationship. Or there simply may not be time to make things happen – have that brief moment, faster than the single beat of a hummingbird’s heart – and then they’re gone.

And that sucks. That leaves us with an open loop, like a bit of music that gets stuck in our head, echoing over and over, unable to finish because we never heard more than the hook.

But part of what complicates these missed moments is that often we assign too much importance to them. Because that moment of contact was so brief, we never had a chance to get to know them and so we’re left with our fantasy version of them. And fantasy can never disappoint you or prove to be wrong for you in all the ways you know someone can be. You can assign any amount of virtue and value to them because they’re just a frozen moment in time, never subject to the various sins and disappointments that mortal flesh is heir to.

This isn’t necessarily bad. Having that momentary crush, that flash of infatuation is a great feeling. But it’s when we let the fantasy of the person overtake the reality of our lives that we start to get into trouble. When we invest too much into our fantasy of them, we tend to get a little too… enthusiastic… about trying to bring that fantasy to life. We pursue it with too much vehemence and too much eagerness because we feel like it’s our Big Chance. But because people are flesh and blood and not an ephemeral fantasy… well, our exuberance tends to freak them the hell out. With good reason.

(I mean, imagine being the poor soul who suddenly realizes that she’s the subject of a James Blunt song…)

That’s where you are right now, GGG. You met this guy who was pretty cool… but you knew him for the span of a car ride and from over a year ago. This geeky Tyler Labine-look-a-like may be the cuddly Yellow Lion of your dreams, but you don’t know the person behind the fantasy. You’ve built him into a monument to all the possibilities that you weren’t able to explore back in the day. Holding on to a dream that you built from one encounter is building hopes on a foundation of sand… especially if you suddenly show up out of nowhere and say “hey, we met once a year ago, hit me up.” Doubly so if you leave a message for him.

If you absolutely feel the need to close this particular loop, then yeah, you can take a night to go see if he still goes to Magic night. I don’t think it’s necessarily the best option, but stopping in once isn’t going to be the end of the world. But honestly? I think the better option would to take this encounter with him as inspiration. You have a much better idea of what you want now and – importantly – you know not to let the moment pass you by when it presents itself. Dating may feel weird and strange after having been away from it for so long, but the fundamentals haven’t changed. You still need the right person in the right place, at the right time. Now that you’re in a place to explore this side of your sexuality, the best thing you can do is make sure that you’re in a place where you can take full advantage of opportunities when they present themselves.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 21f and he’s 22m. We met online and clicked almost immediately and spoke everyday for at least 8 months. We’d wake up and talk to each other, text each other while we were working our summer jobs, text each other about the little things we were doing during the day. We both found each other to be attractive and would flirt and had a lot of stuff in common. I casually mentioned that I could see us dating since we got along so well, but he is Christian (he seems to be more so on the liberal side tbh) and would like someone he dates to share his faith which I understood. I’m not religious. We continued to talk as usual, and then about two months ago he mentions he reconnected with this girl online that he met a few years back (same site that we met on) who he started to like. They started talking again at around the same time we connected, with maybe a one month span of time between. I had no idea until he sprung it up on me. If I had known I would have fallen back as to not get too emotionally involved. And then they made it official.

It sucked because I started to develop feelings for him but I put those feelings aside and congratulated him. It brought up a lot of bad feelings on my end which I’m ashamed of, but I kept them to myself and kept my cool. After that, I took a social media break of about one month due to a depressive episode I was having and to sort through the feelings for him I had. In the back of my mind I had a feeling this would happen but it happened so suddenly that I felt like I didn’t have much time to prepare and cope. 

We recently reconnected and I feel sad because it feels different. It feels weird to not talk to him everyday. For us to both be online and for me to respond to his posts but for him to not respond to mine when he did in the past. For us not to text each other as soon as we wake up, and talk all day about anything until we went to sleep. To not refer to each other as nicknames we have each other (and I admit this point might be over analyzing haha). To laugh at stupid memes and flirt and joke…I miss it. I know that it’s an adjustment I have to make but it does suck, I’m not gonna lie. I talk to guys here and there but it’s been a while since I felt excited at the thought of being with someone. Even if I couldn’t be with him romantically (and he absolutely does not have to return any feelings I have) it felt good to have someone to talk to al day that I click with on many levels. 

I guess my main thing is this: Sometimes I wonder if I was just there to fill avoid until he found someone to actually be with. Like he got some emotional fulfillment from us talking everyday without any sort of commitment involved. It really hurts to think about. But on the more positive side, I hope he spoke to me all the time because he genuinely enjoyed doing so. Its like I feel used in a way, but don’t have any reason to because there were no promises made. And the kicker is that I asked him if the flirting meant anything and he said there were no romantic feelings on his end, we were just friends who flirted…and I felt salty. And I feel ashamed for feeling that way. I try to remind myself that as long as I interacted with him in a genuine way I have nothing to be ashamed of but it still feels bad.

So I don’t know. What do you think? Friends who just flirted and probably spoke to each other too much and too often throughout the day? Just someone there to fulfill his emotional needs until someone else came along? Or something in between? I feel like I’m overreacting somehow. Especially considering the fact that no promises were made and I never met him in real life. I just feel left behind and abandoned in some weird way.

Sincerely,

Replacement Goldfish

DEAR REPLACEMENT GOLDFISH: Honestly, RG, I think you’re making more of this than there is. There are certainly folks out there – men and women both – who will flirt and string people along because they like the attention and emotional intimacy. They get a slight thrill from the imbalance of the relationship, knowing that they put in minimum effort to keep the other person on the line. They get all the rewards of a relationship – the emotional intimacy, the connection, the feeling of being desired – without any investment of their own. There’s none of that pesky commitment or having to maintain things. All they have to do is give just enough attention to keep hope alive until they find a better option.

But I don’t think that’s what happened here.

There are two key clues here as to what actually went down. The first is that he had been talking with this other woman for approximately the same amount of time that he was talking to you. If it’d been the case that she breezed back into his life as suddenly as she’d left it and he’d always had a thing for her… yeah, I could see him using you as a placeholder for the one he REALLY wanted. But that didn’t happen. It was an organic process that lead to his deciding to make things serious with her.

The other key is that he gave you a soft “no” early on. While there are definitely Christians who believe firmly in the whole “unequally yoked” bulls

t from 2 Corinthians, the way he presented this sounds less like a “I can only date within my faith” and more of a “oh, if only things were different, then perhaps but as such, I must live with the regret.” This is a way of softening the rejection and putting the blame on Jesus instead of telling you “you’re cool and we’re great friends but I just don’t like you that way.”

So while I think he enjoyed your friendship, I don’t think he was keeping you around to pass the time until Ms. Right came along.

And while it’s a shame that the friendship has faded… well, there’re lots of reasons for that. One may be that he feels that having such a flirty friendship is inappropriate now that he’s in a committed relationship. Another may be that this relationship just faded, as many do. Not every friendship lasts forever or maintains the same level of intensity. Some flare bright at first, then burn low.

I don’t think you were being used. You had a flirty friendship. Now that friendship is less intense and less flirty. You were more invested in this than he was and, honestly, more than is reasonable considering that you two hadn’t met in person or had any expectation of a relationship. It’s a shame that things have changed, sure… but that’s how things go sometimes.

The best thing I think you can do is either adjust your view of this relationship and accept it for what it is. And if you can’t, if it’s too painful for you? Then the best thing to do is let it go.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)