DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Discovered your column and YouTube channel a couple weeks back and decided to write to you for advice about a pretty hairy situation I’ve found myself in.

Some background, I’m a single man in his late thirties who has been living in Louisiana for most of his life. Due a childhood where I suffered abuse at the hands of a stepparent, I have found it difficult to socialize, have difficulty talking about my emotions and have suffered from severe mental problems. Needless to say, my attempts at any form of romantic relationship have ranged from “went nowhere” to “complete disaster” and I’ve generally not sought anything of the kind for a number of years. Further compounding things is that I live in a very economically run down part of the state and therefore have difficulty finding steady work, am frequently broke and need to rely on my family for financial assistance. I have suffered frequently from depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts as a result of this. Things got particularly bad for me in 2015. Lack of response on job inquiries for several months, growing alienation from my conservative family, and just feeling lonely and like I had no future, that sort of thing. I was suffering panic attacks, losing sleep and was emotionally and physically exhausted. I felt like I couldn’t hold out much longer.

Then some woman-hating a

hole shot up a movie theater in Lafayette and that’s where a friend of mine comes in. Let’s call her H. I had met her years before through a forum dedicated to B-movies and weird cinema. I found her to be an incredibly kind, funny and intelligent person and was delighted that she had similar interests to mine. Though it was a while before the two of us met off-line, we became fairly good friends through social media and chatting and now get together face-to-face whenever we can. A few years back, things had gotten to a point where I wanted to see if H was interested in being more than friends but a bad experience with admitting romantic interest to a friend in the past left me hesitant to do anything. When it came to light that H had hooked up with another member of our circle of friends — let’s call him D — I figured “Oh well, out of luck again” and I thought that was the end of that. We were still good friends, after all.

Fast forward to 2015, H was going through a bad time as well. Her father, who she was very close to, passed away, leaving her an emotional wreck. She was depressed all the time, her relationship with D was becoming strained, and felt as though everything was falling apart for her. Well, when she heard that there was a mass shooting in my neck of the woods and she couldn’t reach me all day (I was at my sister’s, babysitting my niece, and phone reception and internet service there was spotty) she began to worry that something had happened to me. When I finally got online that night, I found a message from her that read: “I really need to know that you’re okay.”

Getting that message shook me up. Here I was, thinking myself to be a burden on everyone and thinking maybe it would be for the best if I was just…gone…and here’s this person who lives halfway across the country, going through all that she was going through, worrying about me. It was a reminder that somebody gave a damn if I died and suddenly I found that I couldn’t go through with committing suicide. Those thoughts didn’t just magically go away, mind, but when they came, all I could think about was H, all the things she was dealing with and this little voice would tell me, “you do this and it will kill her.”

In the months that followed, as H and I did whatever we could to support each and help one another through what we were going through, I realized I was very much in love with her. And realizing this left me a little scared because you see, H and D moved in together back around 2010, have stayed together since, and despite some problems, anybody can see that the two of them are still very much in love with each other. Now, I’m not as close to D as I am H, but he’s been good to me for as long as I’ve known him and he recognizes that mine and H friendship is important to her. I really like the guy.

And so, I have never told H how she stopped me from killing myself, beyond some vague statements about “helping me through a rough patch.” I worried that if I told her about it, it would lead to her finding out about how I feel about her and I just did not want to dump that sort of drama on the two of them. (I figure if H finds out, D going to find out.) I didn’t want her to feel “girlfriend zoned,” y’know? I thought that if I kept quiet that maybe these feelings for her would just die down and fade away with time, and for brief moment it looked like they did, during a period where financial problems kept me from traveling for a while. Then I had finally gotten to where I could afford going to meet up with everybody at a B-movie film festival earlier this year and there she was. After being around her, seeing how happy she was to see me again and the great time we had, those feelings didn’t so much as come creeping back as they kicked down my front door and mugged me. I’ve been miserable ever since I got back from this trip.

Well, over the past couple of months, I’ve come around to the idea that telling H may be the only way to get over her. It took a ton of effort to come to this but I’ve attempted to write to her, explaining everything. (Figured she deserves something more personal than an e-mail but I’m worried I might lose my nerve if I tried face-to-face or over the phone.) Unfortunately, attempts to write this have felt like open heart surgery being performed without anesthetic. I’m scared of how my friendship with H and D will change once they find out, I’m scared of how this may affect our group of mutual friends, and I’ll admit, I’m terrified of how much letting go of her is going to hurt. So it seems that every time I make some progress on this, just when I think that I trust the two of them enough to believe they will be understanding and sympathetic, the doubts come roaring in. They tell me what an awful idea this is, how I shouldn’t be putting H and D in this position, that they’ll resent me for doing so, you’re going to make a fool of yourself etc., etc. Several times I’ve come close to taking everything I’ve written, tearing it up and keeping my damn mouth shut.

I’ve sought advice from friends outside of our mutuals and its ranged from saying that I should just tell her how grateful I am she helped me in the past but that telling her I’m in love with her would just cause things to go south to a friend who had been in a similar situation telling me that I should tell them everything for the sake of my mental and emotional well-being. I guessed that maybe I need some help on how to go through with this one more time before I finally finish it and that’s where you come in, as I figured it wouldn’t hurt to get it from a professional and impartial outsider. So here’s my question, Doc: am I doing the right thing by telling her and if so, how would you advise I go about doing so and maybe some idea on how to deal with any possible fallout from this, good or bad?

Sincerely,

Damned If I Do, Damned If I Don’t

DEAR DAMNED IF I DO, DAMNED IF I DON’T: The question of “do I tell my crush about how I feel” comes up a lot around here. I’m not surprised; it’s a popular topic and one that captures the imagination easily. It’s hard to think of any TV show, series of novels or comics involving relationships that doesn’t have someone agonizing over whether to tell somebody else how they feel. It’s prime fodder for romcom drama and we all love to think that confession is good for the soul.

But here’s what I ask everyone who asks me if they should confess their feelings: what, exactly, do you expect the object of your affections to do with this knowledge?

See, that’s the part people have almost never thought through with any seriousness. Folks tend to focus on the act of confessing – should they, shouldn’t they? – and not so much on the response and the aftermath. If they have thought about what they want out of this, then it’s usually for the person they’re in love with or crushing on to be so moved by their confession that they reveal their own feelings in return. I mean, that’s the romcom formula, isn’t it?

And if you’re on a CW show… well, maybe that’ll work for you. But in reality, it rarely works like that. As appealing as it is to think that the depth and breadth of our feeling is enough to win somebody over, falling in love isn’t a reciprocal action. We don’t love folks just because they love us SO VERY HARD.

(And to be honest, if we do, then that’s rarely a healthy relationship.)

So I’m asking you: what exactly do you expect H to do with the knowledge that you’re in love with her?

Think about that for a moment while I go a little deeper into this.

Most of the time I tell folks that they shouldn’t “confess” their feelings and sit back; they should be proactive and ask for what they actually want – usually a date. The “I like you” tends to go along with the date. And even if it’s someone trying to leave The Friend Zone, I tend to tell them to come at this from a point of action: “I’m interested in trying to be more than friends and would like to take you on an actual date and see how things go,” rather than just “I have feelings for you.”

(Standard disclaimer: there is no Friend Zone, there are just people who don’t want to date or sleep with you.)

But that’s not what you’re asking. Here, you’re trying to unburden yourself. And to be honest, your case isn’t that unique. I’ve heard from lots of folks who think that confessing their love for somebody will be the first step towards getting over them. And frankly? I have no damn idea why they think that. This isn’t like doing the steps in Alcoholics Anonymous, where the first is to admit your powerless over booze. Confessing your feelings for somebody doesn’t make those feelings disappear. All that’s likely to disappear is the tension, that feeling of having to hold things in and the effort of keeping certain words from escaping the barrier of your teeth. And in fairness, letting go of that tension can feel great, like a knot that suddenly releases.

But it isn’t going to make your feelings go away.

What it will do is put the responsibility for managing your feels on H. Because this isn’t something that you can do in a vacuum. You may be releasing that tension in you, but you’re dropping your feels at her feet like a cat bringing a bird to its owner and expecting her to pick it up. But while a bird can be scooped up and tossed in the trash, the knowledge of how you feel – and the meaning of those feelings – can’t be as easily discarded and forgotten about. She’s now going to have to figure out what to do with this knowledge. Does she try to pretend like you didn’t say anything and just laugh it off? Does she try to talk you down from how you feel? Does she have to reconsider her relationship with you, for fear that she’s leading you on or giving you false hope? Does she tell D about this, or does she keep it from him in order to not stress him out, or avoid getting him involved? Will his knowing of how you feel affect how comfortable he is with H spending time with you? Will he feel like he needs to say something now?

And this is all in addition to your fundamentally asking H to reconsider everything about your relationship together. While you didn’t enter into this friendship in hopes of eventually transitioning it into a romantic relationship, dropping this knowledge on her is going to make her reconsider everything. It’s almost impossible for it not to. And that’s going to stress her out too.

So once again: what do you expect H to do with this knowledge, if you confess? What do you hope will happen? And, if you’re perfectly honest with yourself: do you think that your unburdening yourself like this is worth the potential fallout?

Now I will freely admit that I’m stomping all over your dreams, DIDDID and I’m sorry. I don’t do this because I want to revel in your misery but because I’m trying to spare you from an even bigger hurt in the future. While I can’t say that this would damage or end your friendship with H, it will change it. It can’t notchange things. And I suspect that those changes will hurt you far more. Even if it doesn’t “ruin” things – for suitably personal values of “ruin” – I think that all that you’ll be doing is trading one source of stress for another. Now instead of carrying this secret around, you’ll be left with the fear that you’ve ruined things, whether you have or not. You’ll read volumes into every hesitation, every delay in returning your texts and DMs and every time you don’t see her online. You’ll be reading the tea leaves, looking for evidence that you’ve detonated this bomb and now everything is falling down around you. And even if it’s not there, even if this is just a blip in the friendship and things eventually return to your usual status-quo, you’ll be waiting for that shoe to drop.

I don’t think you should confess how you feel… and honestly, I don’t think you need to. I think what you need to do is recontextualize how you feel. You’re seeing your love for her as a call to action, something that you need to do something about. You love her therefore you must act… somehow. What I suggest you do is simply take it as a state of being, rather than a command. Consider gratitude. Being grateful for something isn’t necessarily a feeling that you need to act on; it’s just a feeling that you have, a state of being. So it can be with love. Love doesn’t mandate action; it can just be something that you feel. And why wouldn’t you feel love and affection for someone who’s been such a positive influence on your life? But the fact that you feel love – not that you are in love but that you feel love – for her doesn’t mean that you need to do something about it. You just feel it. You can enjoy that feeling, you can be grateful for that feeling – just as you’re grateful to her for helping you through this patch of your life. You can let that feeling motivate you to be a good and supportive friend to H and D, and to be the same pillar of support that she has been to you. But you don’t need to be in love with her.

As woo woo as it may sound, that slight change of perspective, that substituting one word for another, can make all the difference. You’re not defining yourself by a command, you’re simply feeling a feeling. And in changing how you look at this, I think you’ll find that life will become much easier. You won’t feel like you have to tell her or that this is the only way to get over her. Instead, you’ll find that your feelings will change on their own. You won’t be as scared of losing her or worried you will have to give things up because that’s not what you’re looking for. She’s important to you, she meaningful and she’s done a lot for you. She is a good, dear friend and you love her. But you won’t be in love and tormented with that limerence. You’ll just feel love. And in feeling love… you’ll finally find peace, too.

And one more thing. I know a lot of folks are going to suggest that you tell her how grateful you are but leave out the L-word parts. And under other circumstances, I’d say that’s a great idea. But in the mindset you’re in right now? I don’t think you’re going to be in a position where you can tell her how grateful you are without accidentally confessing in the process. You won’t intend to, but the emotions of the moment are going to be pretty damn intense and, well… tongues slip, stuff happens and suddenly you realize you’ve said things that you didn’t mean to say.

I think it is good to tell her how grateful you are and what she’s done for you. But I think it should wait until you’re less tormented and less consumed by the idea that you’re in love.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a straight, cisgendered 23 year old woman with strong hetero-romantic inclinations towards men, particularly men of color. I am Dominican-American, meaning, I was U.S. born and am a product of Dominican parents. I grew up in a single parent household where my mother was my caregiver and because of that I never really grew up around me or even knew anything about men until I started dating and befriending them some time around high-school.

To get to the point of my issue: I have only had one very real relationship. It was with a Brazilian guy that I met at my University. We hit it off so well that I went on to meeting his family in Brazil and had a 2 year long relationship. Come to find that he was actually just in it for the visa. I should have seen the red flags coming when our first day doing long distance (me in the States and him in Brazil) he was obsessively trying to calculate how to make his way back to the U.S. by coming up with the craziest conclusions. And before you say it was because he wanted to be with me, once that boy got a student visa to come do his masters in the U.S. that was it for our relationship. A week before his student visa coming in the mail and a month away from flying to the states to be exact. Anyway the details as to why I believed he was interested in me for the visa are long-winded and extremely painful to discuss.

Due to my cultural background I know these type of tricks exist. There is even a Dominican hit called “Pa manga’ mi Visa” which is about a two men who delineate specifics as to how and why he wants to date a “gringa” –to get his visa. Over and over I see this happening. Either an actual business like transaction where both parties involved know it’s a fake relationship with the means of receiving real marriage visas in exchange for money OR the worst one where the other person doesn’t know they are being deceived.

As you can imagine, this experience was really traumatic. As a woman that considers she has daddy issues and has started out life with a very low notion of self worth with an enormous amount of frustration towards myself and constant resurgence of imposter syndrome throughout my academic career –this was a blow to my person. I hit an all time low where I underwent chronic depression and even went through a period of suicidal ideation. Because I gave him everything and loved him unconditionally. Needless to say, he broke my heart.

My first boyfriend was Saudi and all he wanted was to get it in because he clearly couldn’t do that in his hometown without facing some hurdles. He used me for sex and took my virginity.

Present day, I feel pretty healed from that experience and am in the search for new experiences with genuine people. I feel I can speak for all women when I say that it is as though I am constantly hitting a brick wall. Just a few months ago it happened yet again, another Brazilian ( Idk wtf right?). This time it was short lived because I knew to look for the signs. As soon as he said “I have a court case coming up that will determine my status in this country” I knew that that “I love you” one month into the relationship was total love bombing and BS.

Just last week I ended up dating a guy from Venezuela. He has refugee status and is set on that front but due to my past experiences I decided to lie to him by telling him I was born in the DR. But come to find that we had sex 5 times in a row literally a night ago and he already broke the “call the night after having sex rule” where he was texting me every morning for the last week and just right after having sex he completely goes missing. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he just didn’t want to come off as clingy BUT like dude…c’mon. I feel so used right now!!

So at 23 I have reached the conclusion that dating men is hard. Especially when you don’t know much about men. I want to find someone genuine but through my 6 experiences thus far I only get the ones that are horny and only want sex or the kind that want a visa. I know that my easy fix is not dating men that have weird immigration statuses and that I should focus on dating men that already have that documented status secured. But I can’t help but wonder if I am just a means for someone’s ends all the time? Like, I get that people are highly self interested and that being selfish is part of human nature. But I feel like I am a good girl trying to date a good guy. I consider myself tender, humble, open minded, caring and overall really loving. I’m just really pessimistic of the future and what it holds for me. And if maybe I should just remain single. I just find that it is so hard to get caught up in thinking that my self worth is measured by a guy’s attractions towards me and if all life has been handing me thus far is an absent father, a couple visa-seekers, and douchebags that only want sex, it’s hard to believe yourself as someone worthy of love and affection. I just seem to suffer more than most people and get my heart broken too easily. Something that may take someone 1 month to get over literally takes me an entire year. And I don’t want this for myself anymore. I’m done crying and suffering over this and I just want to make peace with myself… I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Free Lunch

DEAR FREE LUNCH: Whenever somebody keeps running into the same problems in their relationships over and over again, one of the most important things they can do is start looking for the common denominator in those relationships and see if that’s the problem. In your case, you have two major commonalities, and they’re about as tangled up as a drawer full of charging cables. The first is that you have dated a number of guys from foreign countries that have cultures with fairly sexist outlooks or cults of machismo. The second is… well, you.

Now that’s not judgement. What this means is that you need to examine just what it is about these types of guys that is so appealing to you and why you fall for them. It could be because they tend to be the aggressive, dominant type and that just makes all the right parts of you tingle. It could be that the relative novelty of their having grown up outside the US makes them stand out from the guys you know from around the way. Alternately, it could be as simple as the fact that it sounds like you’re a people pleaser and caregiver and these guys were happy to take advantage of it.

If it’s the latter, then part of what you need to do is examine just what motivates you to be a giver. A lot of people-pleasers tend to find that their generosity comes from a place of low self-esteem; they don’t feel that they have much value on their own and compensate by doing things for others… even if it comes at the expense of themselves. At the same time, you’re going to find plenty of people out there who’ll gravitate towards people-pleasers, because they tend to have poor boundaries and won’t advocate for themselves as firmly or strongly as someone else might. Mix poor boundaries with a desire to please and love-bombing – showering someone with excessive amounts of compliments, attention and affection out of proportion to the stage of the relationship – and you’ve got somebody who looks like free money and smells like free lunch.

To be perfectly blunt: dating is a numbers game and a

holes are overrepresented in pretty much every population sample you’re like to encounter. You’re going to find plenty of dudes who’re looking to just get to that first lay and vanish and they’ll say or do any old line of s

t to get there. But the good thing is that a

holes are fairly easy to avoid and even easier to chase off if need be.

The first thing you need to do is hone your bulls

t detector. You’ve already started to be more aware of when folks are feeding you a line; love-bombing and overly attentive too early on are pretty good warning signs. So too are the guys who seem to be telling you exactly what you’re hoping to hear. The more perfect they seem, the more skeptical you have a right to be.

But if they seem perfect, wouldn’t you want to avoid chasing them off? Yes and no. See the next thing you need to do is start being willing to date on your terms, not theirs. Developing strong boundaries, having standards that you won’t budge on, makes you that much harder to manipulate. This may mean that you’ll want to hold off sex until you feel like they’re sufficient trust and comfort built up. It may mean that you’ll be less receptive to pleas of hardship or less-giving to people who haven’t necessarily earned your trust yet. It may mean prioritizing your comfort, your schedule and your sense of security over theirs… even if it feels like this may chase them off. Because, honestly? The guys who balk or get upset when they hit a boundary of yours? Those are guys who’re letting you know that they’re the most likely to screw you AND screw you over.

Now finding the strength to tell folks “no”, especially folks you like and want to like you can be hard. Doubly so if you don’t feel like you have much self-worth. But the truth of the matter is that you have far too much value and worth to let douchebags work you over and con you out of it. You have a lot to give a partner – love, generosity of spirit, caring and so on. The last thing you need is someone who isn’t going to appreciate it or you and who is only trying to take advantage of you. So you need to start recognizing that your worth doesn’t come from being in a relationship, nor from pleasing a

holes who wouldn’t do a third as much for you as you would do for them. The last thing you need to do is set yourself on fire just because someone else says they’re chilly.

And don’t forget: “no” is a full sentence. If you feel like establishing a boundary, the fact that you decided to set one is the only rationale you need. Anyone who’s going to try to move it or argue you into letting it down for them is a dude who needs to be kicked to the curb with the quickness.

You’ve done enough to prove your worth to folks who couldn’t give a damn about you. It’s time to let folks prove their worth to you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I started dating in my late 20s – 28 to be exact. I fell in love (or what I believe to be love) with the first person I dated. Our relationship is going great but as it has become more serious and we’ve had conversations about moving in together and even potentially getting married, I’m starting to have a FOMO on casual dating and casual sex. My girlfriend has had those experiences and I find that I am a bit jealous of her getting to do that (I have described as having your cake, casual stuff, and eating it too, falling in love). That’s not really fair to her at all though and I acknowledge that I made my decision – I could have put myself out more in my 20s. But now I fear that I am just latching on to the first thing and am unsure if I’m in love and this desire for casual sex is my mind telling me this may not be right. What do you think / do you have any advice?

First Time For Everything

DEAR FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING: Here’s the thing, FTFE: you’re always gonna want to bang other people. That’s not a sign that there’s something wrong with your relationship, that’s a sign that you’re a human with a sex drive. Love doesn’t turn off your libido and committing to a relationship doesn’t mean you no longer find other people attractive. As I often say: monogamy doesn’t mean you won’t WANT to bang other folks, it just means you choose not to. And to be perfectly blunt: any relationship – even ethically non-monogamous ones – mean that you’re closing off potential avenues to different experiences and different partners. You will always be “missing out” – for suitably insignificant values of “missing” – when you date someone.

But here’s what I need you to do right now, FTFE: I need you to be bluntly honest. Not with me, but with yourself. What, exactly, is it about casual sex and casual dating that you feel that you’d be getting that you’re not getting from this relationship? Is it strictly the novelty of seeing other folks naked? Well, I like I said: that’s something that you’re going to end up closing off with any monogamous relationship — and many open ones too. Is it because you feel like you could do better and you worry that you’ve settled for too little? Because any relationship is going to be settling; every relationship means giving up some things that you want because there are no perfect people out there. The key is whether you feel like you have is worth more to you than whatever you may be giving up as the cost of being in that relationship. Or maybe it’s because what you want isn’t the sex per se, but the validation – the feeling that you’re somebody that women would choose to sleep with and thus you’re worth more than others. If that’s the case, then I can tell you now that you will never fill that particular hole. As I’ve said elsewhere, women aren’t Mjolnir and only sleep with the worthy; there’re any number of reasons why women choose to sleep with someone that has absolutely nothing to do with him.

Because honestly dude? I think you’ve got a fantasy version of what casual dating and casual sex is like, and I suspect that if you’d done more dating, you might be more relieved to have found someone awesome. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m all in favor of casual sex and dating. I’ve done plenty and I encourage people to pursue that if that’s what they enjoy… but throwing over the metaphorical bird in the hand for two that may not even be in the bush is goddamn idiotic.

I think your better option would be to slow your roll with your relationship. I’m willing to bet that part of your panic here is the feeling that this is going to become more than you may want just now. So appreciate what you have, learn all about you and your partner and savor every moment… but don’t rush towards moving in or marriage just yet. Give yourself time to learn about being in a relationship and see where that leads you. Maybe it will lead you down the aisle after all. Or you may find that this isn’t going to be your last relationship and you’ll have your chance to date around after all.

But to quote a wise man: “You know, there’s a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don’t all bring you lasagna at work.” Don’t end a good thing because you want to roll the dice on your idea of casual sex.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I got myself into a little bit of a pickle. I’ve been married 4 years and about a year in, at 30 years old, was diagnosed with bipolar depression. It took us about a year to get the meds figured out but it has been life changing to finally have some relief. The only issue is a severe decrease in libido. I don’t have any interest at all. I stopped masturbating, my husband and I have mechanical sex MAYBE once a week that is a literal chore for me. Sex just kind of grosses me out these days. I’ve talked to my psychiatrist about it, and he didn’t seem concerned since I can still reach climax, plus it took us so long to get the right combination of pills I’m terrified to change anything up. From what I understand this is kind of a common side effect, so who’s to say this wouldn’t happen with any other medication we try.

I’ve talked to my husband a little about it, I asked him to turn on the charm a little more (his idea of foreplay is “wanna do it?”) to see if that would help but he didn’t really come back with anything. I offered an open relationship (something I’ve always been open to), but he says he just wants to have sex with his wife. I’m not really sure where to go from here. Do I just keep doing my weekly chore for all of eternity? I don’t want to pressure him into the open relationship but should I talk to him about how much I dislike sex and offer that avenue again? I feel like that’s just hurting his feelings and breaking a lot of wifely expectations. I just don’t know where else to go from here. Any advice you have is appreciated.

-Disinterested

DEAR DISINTERESTED: You’re dealing with a really common problem Disinterested, and one that a lot of people with mental health issues face. First, there’s the fact that it took you time to find a combination of therapies that work. That is, possibly the most frustrating part about getting help; it can be stupidly difficult to find the right medication and the right dosage of that medication in order to get the results that you want. That means a lot of folks are stuck with the question of “is this actually working or do I need to wait longer?” and “do I dare risk trying something different?”  Then there’s the question of the side-effects those medications have and whether the cure ends up being worse than the disease. A lot of medications for issues like depression, for example, have “lowered libido” as a side-effect. Hell, when I was on Zoloft to help manage my depression, it killed my sex-drive deader than disco.

So I totally understand where you’re coming from. So let’s talk about what you can do about this.

My biggest concern in this case is your psychiatrist and their lack of concern with your concerns. One of the things that we don’t often talk about is how profoundly sex negative the medical and mental health field can be. While doctors get plenty of training, that doesn’t mean that they’re without their biases… including a lack of concern – or even interest – in women’s sexual health. It’s not uncommon for doctors to dismiss women’s concerns about their sex lives – especially their libido – because… well, how important could that be? I mean, when a proposed male medical contraceptive turned out to have side-effects, it was yanked from studies with a quickness.

Plot twist: those were the same side-effects women face with birth-control pills.

So I’m not terribly surprised that your psychiatrist brushed off your concerns, with a “well, you technically can still orgasm, so what do you want?” Which may be true… but that doesn’t solve your problem.

Now to be fair: your husband does sound like he could step up his game too. The fact that he’s not exactly putting in effort into your sex life certainly isn’t helping with the issues surrounding your libido. In fact, for many women, the reason why their libidos crater is, frankly, that they’re bored. I suspect that this is, at the very least, a compounding complication to your lack of a sex-drive. But seeing as your libido’s death came along with the new medicines, it’s best to start there.

The first thing I suggest is that you advocate for your needs with your psychiatrist. Those side-effects are having a detrimental impact on your quality of life and you can tell your doctor that the “cure” is causing you problems that you aren’t willing to tolerate.  Tell them that you want to try other medications and that you want to prioritize ones that won’t destroy your love life in the process. Yes, I get that it can be terrifying to try another medicine or combination of meds, especially when this one seems to be working. I get that it can be intimidating to confront your psychiatrist – someone with years of medical training – over this. But ultimately this is your life. What good is it going to do to get your bipolar depression under control if it’s going to cost you your happiness and your marriage in the process?

If they balk? Well… it may not be the worst idea to consider the possibility of a different psychiatrist. In that case, you may want to visit the American Association of Sexuality Educators,Counselors, and Therapists website; they have a referral directory that can help you find a sex-positive mental health professional in your area who can hopefully connect you with a psychiatrist who won’t dismiss your concerns about what your medications do to your sex life.

But I also think you need to sit down and have an Awkward Conversation with your husband and lay out exactly what’s going on. He deserves to know that sex for you has become a chore and one that you dread. Were I him, I’d want to know if my wife was dreading the idea of sex with me because good-god-damn, I would not want to be subjecting her to something she hates. Knowing that you’re having to lay back, grit your teeth and think of England may be the kick in the pants that he needs to actually listen when you tell him you need him to put in more of an effort to seduce you and please you.

And if that doesn’t work, if his putting more effort in doesn’t help ease the way sex squicks you out right now? Then knowing how it makes you feel may mean that he’ll be willing to discuss alternatives for the two of you while you adjust your medication.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ll get right to the problem, I’m a 22 year old guy dating a 20 year old woman, and it’s going well. We really admire and respect each other, have great physical chemistry, and have healthy communication and boundaries. I just have one problem: she smokes, and I want her to quit.

Now this may seem like a pretty normal, bog-standard problem, but there’s a bit of wrinkle in the context of our relationship specifically. See, I have a kink that involves seeing women I’m attracted to smoke, and because we’re pretty open about that kind of thing with each other, she is aware of this. She likes the fact that I have this kink, because she assumes (semi-correctly) that this makes her more attractive to me. The thing is, as we’ve grown closer, I’m realizing more and more that I don’t actually want to indulge this kink, because I am much more worried about her health, and I ultimately feel that it’s inappropriate for me to make such a request.

Moreover, I’m getting a bit anxious over the whole thing, I’ve had a few nightmares over the thought of having to bury her in 20 years or so, and the thought of having to see her waste away.

The problem with my asking is I think she’d take it very poorly. As mentioned before, she specifically said that she was glad that I have this kink, and I don’t know how she’d feel about me suddenly not wanting to do anything with it, not to mention that she’s mentioned being a bit resistant to the idea of quitting.

In turn, I’m not sure if I want to break up over this or not. Everything else is fine, and I’d further be worried that she’d try to dig in and find some “other” reason besides that for the breakup, and that I’d put more self doubt than she already has on her shoulders.

I guess my questions are the following: Should I ask her to quit? Should I consider breaking up? and finally, if I do decide to end things, how should I explain why?

-Scared To See Her Leave

DEAR SCARED TO SEE HER LEAVE: Y’know, my dude, I think you may have jumped several steps here. There’s a world of space between “talk to her about quitting” and “now she’s going to leave me” but you seem to have decided that this is the inevitable end result. Without, y’know. Actually talking to her. Yeah, you have your kink – it’s actually a surprisingly common one – and she gets spun up by how hot it gets you… but presumably you’re into her even when she’s not smoking. And honestly, there’re ways you can indulge that kink without nicotine. I mean, vaping is a thing. So, for that matter, is weed. Hell you could combine the two…

But the issue here isn’t the smoking or the alternatives to smoking. Not really. The issue here is that you have a concern and you’re afraid to bring things up to her. That is your bigger problem and the one that you need to work on.

You don’t say how long you two have been together, but it sounds like it hasn’t been for that long. If the two of you have only been together for a couple of months… yeah, it’s gonna be a pretty big ask. It’s a little presumptive to say “hey, I know when we got together I was really into this thing that you do, but now I feel weird about it and I want you stop doing that thing for me right now.” While you may have the best of intentions at heart – hey, not wanting to see your lover die from a horrible disease is pretty understandable – it’s kind of presumptive to make demands of somebody you haven’t known for that long.

Not to mention “yes, we’ve only been together for a little while, but I’m getting anxious about something that may happen 20 years down the line, at a time when we may or may not still be together” is… well, that’s kind of an example of what I mean when I talk about people investing too much, too quickly in a relationship.

But even if we allow that you’ve been together for long enough that this isn’t a big ask or that it’s reasonable to make plans for 20 years down the line, you have more options than “ask her to quit smoking” and “leave her right now”.

What you should do instead is – as I just told Disinterested – is sit down and have an Awkward Conversation. In this case, you want to bring up that you’ve been hesitant to indulge your kink because of the potential health effects and it feels weird to be getting a boner when you also keep thinking about cancer and tumors. While you don’t necessarily want to tell her to quit, you do want to at least let her know that this is a concern for you and the dissonance between your kink and the side effects it could have on her are causing you anxiety.

(I would leave out the part about getting worried that you’ll be burying her in 20 years.)

Now I stress: the point of this conversation isn’t to get her to quit. It’s to simply lay the groundwork for you to be able to actually talk with her about your concerns instead of assuming that you only have two, mutually exclusive possibilities. Because I can guarantee you: there will be other, more immediately pressing concerns in your relationship. And if you can’t talk to her about how you feel? Well, your relationship’s going to fall apart sooner, rather than later.

And seriously: it’s admirable that you’re thinking 20 years down the line, but focus on your immediate future for now… like, maybe 3 months down the line instead. Take some time to make sure this relationship’s got legs before you start borrowing trouble from a potential future.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)