DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m contacting you because I need a non-biased opinion about my situation. It’s about my ex who pushed me away, then broke things off via text, then apologized three weeks later. Can’t ask friends or family because they will obviously side with me and just hate on her.

So, first thing I want to start off with this girl I dated for a while had her own problems dealing with anxiety. Just stating that to help explain what happened afterwards. The start of the relationship was fantastic for me and her. The first month and a half were great and a lot of fun, I connected with her on nerd stuff like games, comics, tv shows, a ton of stuff. Then stress starting piling up with her due to her job and possibly looking for a new job out of state which would mean the unfortunate end for us. The weird thing is we talked about it and suggested that we could still make it work. Anyway, as stress grew and I tried as much as I could to help and be there, she started to push me away. To a point that she wouldn’t see me or even have a phone conversation with me. She put up walls and made excuses to not see me, then after a little over a week dumped me.

Three weeks later she texts back to apologize, and explain that she couldn’t handle the stress and was too proud to have anyone help her including me. That and she has had good people leave her and hurt her, so she instead pushed me away and hurt me so she wouldn’t get hurt. I do forgive her, because its over and done with. I’m not someone to stay mad easily. She didn’t try and get back with me or said we should get back together, just the explanation and the apology. (All via text.) Afterwards though I thought of the line from Age of Ultron, where Bruce Banner is done fighting after the intro fight of the movie and says “You know, sometimes exactly what I want to hear isn’t exactly what I want to hear.” It made me realize hating someone who hurt you is easier than forgiving them. Which brings me to my question.

Should I say something to her a long the lines “Hey, if things work out with finding a job close by, and if you feel like you’ve changed and would like to grab a coffee sometime and start over, give me a buzz”? I mean, am I wrong in even thinking about this? Should I believe in the romantic side of me and give it a second chance if there is one? Or was I right in my initial thought and move on, because there is a possibility she won’t change and could do this all over again? Interested in your thoughts.

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

DEAR ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY: OK let’s break this down a little.

First of all: you weren’t with her for that long, as near as I can tell, before things started to pile up. As unromantic as it is to say, a relationship of a month and a half is not a terribly serious one and most people aren’t going to be as invested in one of, say, six months or longer. Relationships can take a not inconsiderable amount of time and attention, especially if you’re looking for something with potential to be serious rather than a casual one. We all have limited emotional and mental bandwidth and that means on occasion we have to prioritize what gets our attention. When things start to pile up and something has to give, a fledgling relationship is going to be on the chopping block. This rarely is a comment on the relationship itself or the person they’re dating; it’s more of a case of “right person, wrong time.”

Now, could she have handled this better? Oh yes. Just squeezing you out – probably in hopes that you’d get the hint dump her – wasn’t cool. It would’ve been better for her to say “Listen, I have too much to handle right now, so I need to end this for now. Maybe we can get back together when things are different,” instead of the passive-aggressive path she took.

The fact that she’s gone out of her way to apologize and at least explain is a good thing, in my opinion. At the very least, it’s an olive branch, an expression that she knew she did you wrong and wants to at least make some amends. Of course, this does make it a lot harder to stay mad at her. I mean come on, how can you hate her as what done you wrong when she stubbornly refuses to be a cardboard cutout of an evil ex and takes responsibility for her behavior during the break-up? The nerve of some people!

And that brings us to your question: do you make any tentative overtures about maybe, possibly get back together? Or do you forgive, forget and put her in the rear-view mirror? Well… that depends.

Deciding whether trying to get back together with your ex is a good idea hinges on two very important questions: why are you trying to get back together and have the circumstances that caused your break-up changed?

Many people who hope to get back with their exes have just refused to move on. Either they’ve developed Oneitis or they’re missing the nostalgic comfort of the known (usually plastering over those unpleasant parts about what the relationship was really like). In your case, you’ve handled things the right way – you’ve made your peace with things and moved on.

So we need to look at the second question: have things changed enough that your relationship will be viable this time around? Is her self-awareness matched with a willingness to do things differently the next time the stress piles up (and it will)? Is she in a better place, where she’ll be more willing to let you in, or at least give you a heads up about what’s going on instead of just squeezing you out?

Personally, I don’t think three weeks is really enough time to make that substantive a change if this is as deeply ingrained a pattern as she implies. But you know her better than I do, so you tell me. As it stands, I think it would be ok to make the offer to at least see each other again and then take things from there. Although if you do get together, I would suggest that you take things slower this time; leaping back in with both feet will only get you hurt again.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I don’t know what to do.  About half a year ago, I started hanging out with these two girls that lived a few floors down from me named J and L. I thought their roommate was cute, so I started hanging around their apartment. Although that didn’t work out, I ended up getting to know her roommates and we became really close friends.  In fact, they are two of my best friends at the moment and I see them almost every day. However, there are issues with between myself and both of them that are beginning to strain the friendship I feel. 

L and I are very close. She’s a very fun and intelligent woman (one of the smartest I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting). I consider her boyfriend one of the luckiest guys on the planet. During the first month of our friendship I had a crush on J and L was often the one who I would talk to about it. After just a week of talking, she had helped me plan out the perfect date and set me up for the perfect opportunity to ask J out. Unfortunately, J ended hooking up with another guy within that same week. At this point, L and I had gotten so used to each other’s company that we would see each other every day and talk for several hours at a time.  

Now as a personal policy I view taken women as off-limits, but as we spent more and more time together, I started to develop feelings for her. Around three months ago, it ended up coming up in a conversation and I told her that if she wasn’t with her boyfriend of three and a half years, I would want to be with her. To my surprise, she told me she felt the same way. I ended up talking to J regarding this and she revealed that she has had her eye on me since the first week I’ve known her. In fact, J even went so far as to say that I was “oblivious and stupid” for not noticing and that she’s always felt weird talking to me alone because she felt like she was “stealing from L.” Ever since then, she’s been talking about breaking up with her boyfriend, but the last time she got close, she couldn’t go through with it. 

Here’s where it gets complicated. According to my other friends and L, J has taken a liking to me as well. It was actually kind of obvious to me even. She acts affectionate and playful towards me a lot of the time, and she likes to touch me. Not in a sexual way, but she likes to hit me or grab my hand. Anyways, my other friends encouraged me to ask her out, even though I thought she would say no. Even L agreed with the idea, which I have to say hurt a bit. While I do not like J as much as I like L, I finally gave into peer pressure and asked her out.  As I expected, she said no. When I asked why, she said that she wasn’t what I wanted and that she couldn’t give me the affection I want.

Ever since then, things have been awkward and I’m afraid I’ve screwed the pooch on this one. Both L and J have acted different towards me ever since. While J is already beginning to treat me the way she used to, I’m scared of losing L as a friend. She hasn’t been acting any differently, but she hasn’t been coming up to see me as often. When we do see each other, I feel like something’s different or that she’s mad at me. At this point, I don’t know what to do. I think I upset her somewhere along the way, but I’m afraid if we talk about it we’ll say too much if you catch my drift.

Six of One

DEAR SIX OF ONE: Hoo-boy. You need to be getting on your hands and knees and thanking whatever deities you believe in that I seem to be unable to spontaneously develop the power to reach through the Internet and slap the stupid out of you.

You, my friend, don’t seem to know that you’re supposed to quit when you’re behind. When you’ve realized that you’ve dug yourself into a hole, you stop digging. As it is, you have done goofed. Big time.

Dr. NerdLove’s Rule #43: You gotta pick one.

Here’s a hint: trying to go for both women — especially two women who not only know each other and are friends — without alienating EVERYONE only works in Archie comics and porn. You keep flip-flopping between the the two girls like a bad sitcom. As soon as you get shot down by one, you go back to the other. Three goddamn times going by your letter.

To be perfectly honest, I’m kind of astounded that either of them are still talking to you after the FIRST time you decided that that no, you liked L, no wait, you liked J, no wait…

So you like J. Fair enough. You missed your window of opportunity because you were too busy trying to set up the perfect moment. You – and many men like you, including myself before I wised up – don’t seem to realize: there is no perfect moment. There is this moment. That’s it. Waiting for the perfect moment is just an excuse to chicken out.

Because you were so busy hemming and hawing, some other jerk comes along and, critically, doesn’t hesitate and he gets with J instead. Hey, that happens, and even if you had made your move, you may still have gotten shot down. At least you would’ve had closure but still. Bygones.

So instead, you develop feelings for L, your new best friend. The one who was “safe” because she was taken. So instead of playing games, you were straight with her. You were your real self. You felt confident around her. Hell, you made a goddamn move… kind of. But hey, this one seems to have gone better. S

t, you’ve even found out she’s been kinda interested in you from the beginning and this is part of why J said no.

(Side note: I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, you can’t call dibs on people. I don’t give a damn who saw them first or how long you’ve had a crush on them. If you want somebody, you rolls the dice and you takes your chances – otherwise they’re fair game for all and sundry.)

But hey, now J’s back and being all flirty and you’re getting confused. Well, here’s a free clue for you: sometimes people like to flirt. Maybe J was missing the attention you were lavishing on her. Maybe J’s jealous that L’s getting your attention and she’s kind of an a

hole like that. Doesn’t matter, because you apparently believe that your dating life is an open democracy.

I’m sorry, but peer pressure is the worst excuse I’ve heard for a boneheaded mistake in a long time. I realize you’re young but if you asked a girl out because everyone else told you to, I hope you’re looking forward to spending the rest of your life as Marty McFly’s dad… before the timeline where he smacked Biff across the mouth.

Let’s be honest here Six: it was because L didn’t break up with her boyfriend. You were hurt, J was being all flirty again…

As a result, you decided to pull the worst mistake anyone in your situation could have: you decided to switch Door Number 2 for Door Number 1. And since dating isn’t the Monty Hall Problem, you ended up with nothing. 

You know why?

Dr. NerdLove’s Rule #27: Nobody likes to feel like they’re your contingency plan.

By going after J, you were telling her “Enh, you’ll do,” which is incredibly insulting to her. “Baby, you’re totally the girl I want… assuming that this other girl says no first.” is not the key to a woman’s heart.

Then, just to add insult to (L’s) injury: you say you knew you were going to get rejected in advance. So not only did you hurt L – who you supposedly have feelings for – but you hit on someone knowing that she was going to say no anyway. So for all intents and purposes, you tossed L’s feelings aside for no good reason.

“I think I upset her somewhere along the way.”

Ya think?

SPOILER WARNING: of course you f

king did.

If L isn’t mad at you, I’m going to be amazed. She’s well within her rights to hate you with the passion of a thousand burning suns. I’m goddamn astounded she’s still willing to talk to you at all. 

You want whatever chance you have to save your friendship? You want to know what you do?

You man the hell up and apologize to her for being an a

hole. You’re gonna have to talk about it and you’re gonna have to just risk “saying too much” because you owe it to her to let her scream at you for being a selfish bag of dicks. If you’re especially lucky – and you’d better hope that God really does look after fools and Irishmen – she won’t bludgeon you with something heavy. And when she’s done screaming, crying and screaming at you some more… you back the hell off.  She’s going to need time and distance to heal – and decide how she’s gonna deal with your dumb ass.

Oh, and you don’t get to date J either. Sorry. She’s L’s friend too and your trying to hit that is just going to be another reminder of just how much you f

ked up. She’s not your intermediary. She’s not your spy. You don’t get to use her to try to find out what’s going on with L or to use her as your go-between to pass messages.

Look, I know I’m being hard on you, but you’ve gone and needlessly hurt two people –  one of whom is your best friend – because you can’t stick to your emotional guns. And there’s no guarantee that there will be any saving your friendship. It’s going to take a long time for things to recover – if they ever do. The only thing you can do is wait.

And be less of an idiot next time.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m am 23 and in my last semester of college. I am a virgin. The closest I’ve come is with a girl at a team party who approached me and made the first move. We were about to get down then she changed her mind at the last minute. How do I deal with being fat friend? I feel like whenever I go out with my friends I am the only one who never gets approached by girls. I feel like when we go to bars or parties I’m immediately ditched for my better looking more in shape friends. I can tell its because I’m fat.

I feel like when I go up to talk to girls I’m just wasting my time and theirs. I feel like girls everywhere we go just see my friends and then me the designated fat friend. I can help but feel like I’m not good enough for any girl. So I just become quiet and reserved. It’s hard because I see people of all sorts having sex or are in relationships. Sometimes I feel depressed and suicidal (nothing serious) I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. I’m doing the basics right. I always dress nice( I thank my dad for that one) I have lots of female friends that describe me as funny and charming. I’ve met very few people I couldn’t get along with. I couldn’t  I’ve done what parents said would make me happy. I am a collegiate athlete, I am a member of a popular fraternity. Yet none of these things make me feel better about myself. 

Thanks for seeing me Doc. 

Designated Fat Friend.

DEAR DESIGNATED FAT FRIEND: DFF, I think you have problems. It’s just that they’re not what you think they are.

To start with: you sound like you’re dealing with depression. Not just “feeling a little down today” blues but full-blown, chronic depression. I can tell because quite frankly you sound a lot like I did when my depression was at it’s worst. I mean, holy s

t dude, “sometimes I feel suicidal but it’s not serious”?  Feeling like the best thing you can do is just end things is GODDAMN serious when you’re dealing with depression.

Here’s the sneaky thing about depression: it lies to you. Depression feeds back all the worst things you already suspect about yourself, except as irrefutable fact. It’s the emotional equivalent of confirmation bias; you only see the things that validate the awful way you feel about yourself and ignore just about everything in your life that tells you otherwise. And it’s especially insidious because you can be doing everything “right”, have an amazing damn life and still be depressed. In fact, it’s often worse because now you’re getting down on yourself for being depressed in the first place when you have nothing to be depressed about and other people have it so much worse than you do.

So my first suggestion for you is that you take advantage of the fact that you’re still in college. Go to the Health Services Center and see about making an appointment with a therapist to talk about the way you’ve been feeling. They may recommend a few different potential therapies, including medication if need be, which can help you with the way you’ve been feeling lately.

Now, all that aside, let’s get to your other problem. Because, you see, the problem isn’t that you’re fat, the problem is the attitude you have about yourself. You’ve bought into the idea that you’re Fat with a capital F and this somehow has rendered you unf

kable and undesirable, and adopted this core identity of The Fat, Loveless Virgin. The fact that you see yourself this way completely affects just about everything in your life. You don’t believe that women can possibly find you attractive, so you don’t even try; you just withdraw into yourself. You’re not talking to anyone. You’re not really making an effort. You’re sitting there, quiet and withdrawn and sending off vibes that say “It’s ok if you don’t want to talk to me, I wouldn’t want to talk to me either” and wondering why people don’t approach you. And here’s the thing: the way you label yourself affects how other people see you too. You’ve turned Fat, Loveless Virgin into your personal brand, and people are buying into the stereotypes because, honestly, you’re not really giving them anything else to work with.

I mean, hell dude, let’s be objective here. You say you dress well, you’re funny and charming, you make friends easily, you’re an athlete and a member of a popular fraternity. By most people’s standards, you’re a catch. So what’s the problem?

The problem is that you’re getting hung up on the fat thing. And it’s understandable; body size is one of the few things society still views as acceptable to shame people for. I mean hell, I saw well-known men’s magazine that had an article called “The Portly Man’s Guide To Fashion” that’s 99% fat jokes, 1% fashion. Something that promises to help – because finding clothes that fit and look good when you’re big is a legitimate challenge – and all it does is swing for the balls instead. So even things that promise to be helpful are just insults in disguise. That sort of s

t is going to wear down your soul, man. So I get why you feel the way you do.

So let’s work on changing it.

Here’s the thing: women love a wide variety of body types from the heroin-thin to swimmer’s builds, to barrel-chests to straight-up fat dudes. What makes someone attractive and/or datable isn’t whether they look like an underwear model, it’s what they bring to the table and how they make people feel. From everything you’ve said, you bring a lot to the table… but while you’re clearly capable of making people feel good, you’re not really doing it. That mental identity you’ve chosen for yourself is filtering out all of those opportunities to go out and wow people with your wit and charm… and I’m more than willing to bet that you’re missing out on people who are interested in you. When you’re convinced that you’re unlovable or unf

kable, you end up ignoring even some of the most blatant come-ons because you’re convinced that they couldn’t possibly be interested in you. Trust me, I can relate: there was a time in college where I missed out on a hook-up with a girl who straight-up invited me back to her place for a hot cup of F

K ME TILL MY EYES BLEED because I thought I was misreading things.

I’m assuming that you want to get better, yes? I’m also assuming that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to learn how to get better with women and feel better about yourself. So I want you to trust me and do what I tell you, without hemming, hawing or otherwise arguing with me about why something is impossible or can’t work.

First: start visiting these blogs – Chubstr and Chubby Guy Swag. If you want to deprogram the bulls

t idea that you can’t possibly be attractive, cool, sexy or badass, you need to see other hefty dudes just killin’ it. You need some positive reinforcement in your life.

Second: dress sharp. I know you already say you’re a snazzy dresser, but I want you to kick it up a notch. Why? Because not only will it help you stand out the right way, but it’ll make you feel sharp. Our clothes are an outward extension of who we are. When you dress like a million bucks, you feel like a million bucks. I’ve got some tips specifically for bigger dudes when it comes to how to dress better and big-man fashion blogs like Chubstr can help you put styles and outfits together.

Third: I want you to stop pretending you’re a mind-reader. You’re making a whole lot of unwarranted assumptions about what other people like and whether they could possibly find you attractive. That’s your jerkbrain talking and you need to quit listening to it. Instead, I want you to go into interactions with people assuming that you’re going to be friends and that they’re going to like you. You’re not “wasting their time”, you’re the cool guy they should want to get to know!

Fourth:  I want you to start faking some confidence. That means holding your head up high, walking with your back straight, your shoulders back, a s

t-eating grin and a swagger in the step that says “walked into the library like what up, I’ve got a big dictionary.” Yes, it’s going to feel weird at first. But here’s the crazy thing: it’s going to make you feel more confident. Our brains take emotional cues from our bodies; carrying yourself like you’re confident means your brain is going to make you feel more confident. That helps form a biofeedback loop that’s going to make you feel better about yourself overall.

Incidentally, this means no hiding in corners or curling in on yourself when you’re out with friends. You already know that you can be funny and charming and get people to like you. Time to prove it, even if you have to psych yourself up to it by assuming a persona at first. If you want to be the cool guy people approach, you have to give off approachable vibes; that’s not “quiet and withdrawn”.

Finally: This is going to be a bit woo-woo new-age-y pop psychology sounding but stick with me. Every morning when you’ve gotten up, gotten dressed and are about to face the day? I want you to look in the mirror give yourself a compliment. In the middle of the day? I want you to give yourself a compliment. Before you go to bed? Compliment yourself. It can be something as simple as “Damn, I’m looking good”, or it can be acknowledging something cool you’ve just done. But I want you to do it regularly. You’re spending most of your time beating yourself up. Now it’s time to be good to yourself. You need to build up your sense of internal validation and being that means being willing to acknowledge your good side… something you don’t really do.

As I’m always saying: dating success is 80% attitude… and that includes your attitude about yourself. You’ve got the tools. You’ve got the talent. Now you need to realize it.

Talk to health services. Get your depression under control. And then start practicing some self-love and recognize how much you bring to the table. You need to recognize your awesomeness. DFF. Because you’ve definitely got it.

Good luck, man.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)