DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m having a social problem at work. I’m a female student in a physics PhD program. This means that I’m in kind of a weird spot where: (1) my coworkers are also kind of supposed to be my friends, and (2) the gender ratio is really, *really* bad (<15%).

When I first came in, I repeatedly made it very clear that I didn’t want to get involved with anyone in my department, and managed to get set up with a solid group of friends with a decent male/female mix (girlfriends, spouses, etc.). The people in my department seem decent. The problem is with our incoming class. There is a student in the incoming cohort who talks about how #metoo is overrated (Louie C.K. had his career unfairly cut short and is valiantly rebuilding it) and watches comedians who do blackface routines. He’s the only student who did his undergrad here, so he has a lot more confidence than most of the other new students. The incoming class is mostly international students, with a few domestic students scattered in. I hope (?) that a lot of the international students just don’t have the cultural context to understand what they’re laughing along with, but I’m not sure.  Two of the domestic students were pretty quiet. I’m hoping that meant ‘uncomfortable’.

I’m stuck in this program for the next four years. I’d rather not have all of the professional contacts that I can make be tainted by these attitudes. It’s not the kind of culture that I want to take root, and I feel like if I’m going to do anything to limit it, I need to do it now while everyone in that year is still figuring things out and kind of wrong-footed. I’m one of only four girls in an active social group of around thirty people, which puts me in a weaker position. There are zero black people in the whole department.

What are the best ways for me to stop him from influencing overall department culture? I have strong social ties with older students I can pull on, but I don’t want to look like the bitchy overly PC woman bullying the new kid to the rest of his incoming class. I can’t be heavy-handed about this, but it’s also really not OK. What’s the smartest way to do this?

Don’t Want To Be The Funwrecker

DEAR DON’T WANT TO BE THE FUNWRECKER: Y’know that phrase “one bad apple spoils the bunch?” A lot of people get the meaning wrong; they tend to assume that it means the presence of said bad apple means that everyone THINKS the rest is spoiled; these perfectly good apples are unjustly associated with the one bad one. In reality, it’s meant quite literally: the presence of said rotten or moldy apple causes the rest to go bad. In produce, overripe fruit produces excess ethylene gas, causing the rest of the fruit to ripen early and begin to spoil. The mold on produce will cause the rest of the produce to go moldy as well as the spores spread and gain traction on the rest.

And one asshole in the class can give the impression that toxic, s

tty behavior and attitudes are acceptable.

Which is why the cure is to cut that s

t off at the knees as soon as you possibly can, before it has a chance to be normalized.

So the first thing that needs to happen is that you’re going to need to get over your fear of making a scene or confronting this kid. This can often be difficult; not only are women socialized to go along to get along, but would-be edgelords thrive by making confrontation uncomfortable. They want the people who’re upset by their s

ttiness to be unwilling to push things. They may play the “but my free speech!!!111!” card where they insist that criticizing them or pushing back is censorship. They may try to cast you as the funwrecking SJW who just can’t handle edgy humor and frame themselves as the iconoclast rebels pushing against a staid establishment. They’ll try to play to the crowd  by insisting that nobody else — especially the students who are uncomfortable but not saying anything (and yes, those two students who were being quiet were almost certainly uncomfortable) — was bothered by this and so it’s really just YOU who has the problem.

And arguing with them about the points — in this case, why blackface is unacceptable and racist, why #metoo came about and what it’s actually changed — won’t work. Not only will they not listen, but they’ll often shift goalposts, twist meanings and otherwise try to derail the conversation with gish-galloping arguments and bad faith sea-lioning. You know: all the tactics that people think make Ben Shapiro seem smarter and a better debater than he actually is.

The key with all of that is that it requires two things: for you to engage with them in good faith and for you to miss that they won’t engage with you that way. It’s a curious game; the only way to win is not to play.

So don’t.

Not by their rules.

Instead, you want to use the advantages you have. To start with: he’s a first year in the program. That puts him at the lowest rung on the ladder. The fact that he did his undergrad at the same school honestly doesn’t carry much in the way of authority or credit, certainly not any that should cow you into silence or submission. You on the other hand, have both seniority and the stronger ties with the folks who are already there. That, in effect, gives you institutional authority that he doesn’t have. So wield it. When he starts going on about how #metoo ruined things (it didn’t) or how unfair it is that Louis CK is facing consequences for sexually harassing women, then wield that power with a simple phrase: “We don’t do that here”.

This is both your sword and shield. It keeps him from arguing about how “it’s all in good fun” or “he’s just asking questions” or “nobody means anything by it” because the answer is “that may be the case, but we don’t do that here.” Because now you’re not trying to debate the “facts”, nor are you coming at this from a place of equals (or appearing to seek his approval or permission); you’re coming at this as The Voice of the Institution. By framing the conversation as “we don’t do that here”, it’s not about society and social justice run amok, it’s about the custom and culture of the institution and the community. In a very real way, you are reminding him that he is new and you are not; you have the authority by virtue of seniority.

And if you can use those social ties to the other senior program members to get them to back your play and agree: “We don’t do that here”? Then you’ve effectively created a barrier that he can’t get around. It’s no longer about morality or oversensitivity or even logic; it’s simply the fact that there are rules and boundaries to the program and as a newcomer, he has no standing to challenge them.

Another effective tactic is to take away the refuge in audacity. Rather than argue that blackface is unacceptable, you want to put him in the position of having to acknowledge the racism inherent in the jokes. It’s one thing to try to position oneself as the Iconoclast, the person who Isn’t Afraid To Walk The Line and Defender of Free Speech; it’s another entirely to have to take ownership of the fact that blackface is f

king racist. So whenever he brings up blackface — or shows videos in class — then simply ask: “Why is this funny? Explain it to me. What’s the joke here?” Don’t allow him to weasel his way out of it. Ask: “But why is that funny?” “What makes this funny? Explain the joke to me”. If he tries to claim that you don’t get humor or that you just don’t understand, make it even more uncomfortable for him. “But you clearly think it’s funny, so you clearly get the joke. So explain to me why wearing blackface is funny”. Keep it strictly to WHY he thinks the joke is funny; bringing up racism yourself is just going to give an opening for him to make grand pronunciations about SJWs and similar horse s

t. But by forcing him to explain it, you’re putting him into the position of either admitting he’s racist or that he’s ok with racist humor. And even to hard-core bigots, openly admitting to bigotry is still socially frowned upon and deeply uncomfortable.

And here’s the thing: by openly voicing your disapproval, even without saying “you’re wrong” or “this is bad”, you’re taking away his other advantage: bystander inertia and conflict aversion. A lot of folks — especially when they’re young — don’t like causing a scene. Many of us had it drilled into our heads that the one who points out the drama is somehow worse than the person who’s causing it. Bullies and edgelords rely on this. They need people to stay quiet, so that they can point around and say “well nobody ELSE is complaining”. By speaking up, you create the first crack in that wall of silence, that empowers others to feel like they can voice their discomfort too. And by speaking up, not just as a woman or as a person who’s offended by casual racism and misogyny but as A Voice of Authority, you lend weight and cover for others to speak up too.

All it takes for s

tty attitudes like this to take root is for good folks to say nothing. Edgelords thrive on the silent acquiescence of others and whither in the face of social disapproval. So take away that silence and leverage your social clout against him. You may not change his mind, but that’s not the goal. The goal is simply to keep his bulls

t from poisoning the entire program. By creating an environment that’s inhospitable to his attitude, you keep it from taking root in the first place.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 25-year-old geek girl who just left a very toxic and very long (10 years, beginning in 10th grade and ending one year after I got my Master’s degree) relationship and I need some help figuring out where to go from here.

Getting out of and over the toxic relationship, it turns out, was the easy part (and I’ve felt amazing every day since I left)— the complication comes from the other guy involved.

This other guy (let’s call him Alpha, M/25) was my friend before I met my Toxic Ex (M/28) — in fact, I met the TX chatting with him through Alpha’s group chat. We all remained friends as I dated the TX, even spent some time as roommates and had some threesomes. Anyway, at some point Alpha backed off from hanging out with us, and I later learned it was because he no longer enjoyed spending time with the TX (and seeing me in such bad shape probably didn’t help). 

So… down the road a little ways, Alpha joins the army and although I haven’t seen much of him for a few years, I try to meet up with him before he leaves for training. I actually got a hold of him on the day he is leaving a few hours too late to actually see him before he goes. We stay in touch over e-mail, and I regale him with tales of the downward spiral of my life: I had damn near bought a house not just for me and TX, but his father and father’s girlfriend too, got engaged… “sort of,” all the while extremely unhappy and unsure exactly why. 6 months go by and Alpha is back in town for a week, and I make it a point to go see him without the TX, end up hanging out with him and a few of his friends, getting drunk, and staying until pretty late. At this drunken hang out, I get to hear for the first time how Alpha really feels about me (you’re amazing, you deserve to be happy, you could be doing so much more with your life) and how he really feels about the TX (dead weight bum), I talk to other friends who largely agree and realize I HAVE TO GET OUT—NOW! Toxic relationship over, I decide to go see Alpha before he leaves for his duty station in another country 6,000 miles away. We hang out, have AMAZING sex, I leave, he leaves the country. 

Since he’s been gone, we’ve talked via e-mail and instant message and we agree that we want to be together, but we don’t want this to be a rebound relationship that ends and ends our friendship as well. And, neither of us wants to see any of my old habits from my toxic relationship surface in this one (although, I think the people involved are so different that it won’t be likely to play out that way as long as long as we communicate and make sure to maintain our own independent lives). 

Our best solution to that problem right now is to take some time before we decide that we are “committed” (which makes sense since we can’t see each other in person anyway), but I’m so into him that it’s not likely I’ll go out with other guys, and I think he feels the same way about me. Are we just putting off something we want for no good reason? Should we both try to see other people to avoid getting Oneitis and see how we feel when we have an opportunity to see each other again (a little under a year from now)? Any other suggestions for preventing this from being a temporary rebound situation?

Sorry about the lengthy e-mail, but, like I said—“It’s complicated” doesn’t quite cover it!

– Trying To Not Rebound

DEAR TRYING TO NOT REBOUND: You really have two different problems here.

The first is that you’re worried about rebound relationships and f

king up the friendship.

Both of these are entirely understandable. From the sound of it, he’s been an emotional rock to cling to when you needed it, a great friend, an amazing lay, and someone who you can just relax around and enjoy his companionship, even without the romantic or sexual sides of things. Small wonder that you’d worry about potentially losing him; he sounds like a great guy, and losing a friend like that would be awful.

But I don’t think you need to worry about that.

One of my eternal pet-peeves is the fear of the “rebound” relationship. First and foremost, there’s nothing inherently WRONG with rebounds; the issue that many people assign to it is that they don’t last. Which, hey, not every relationship is SUPPOSED to last until one or both of you die in the saddle. There’s nothing wrong with a short-term relationship or going into one with the understanding that this isn’t forever. Sometimes you need a little reminder that you are lovable and desirable and have option… especially after a bad break-up.

The other is that we tend to define ANY relationship, post-break-up as “a rebound” if it doesn’t work. By definition, then, ANY relationship after your first is a rebound if it doesn’t last beyond an arbitrary time.

Of course, there’s no way of knowing if a relationship is or isn’t a rebound until, y’know. You’re actually IN it.

The REAL problem with so-called rebounds is that they’re what happens when you try to get into a relationship before you’re fully recovered from the last one and you don’t acknowledge this to yourself or your partner. The problem isn’t the time or distance from your previous break-up, it’s not recognizing a short-term relationship for what it is. Setting the wrong expectations is how we end up getting hurt and inadvertently hurting other people.

It’s entirely understandable, however. We all have different reasons for wanting to get back in the game before we’re ready; it may be because we’re trying to prove something to our ex, because we just want A Relationship™ without much regard for the person we wedge into the role or because we’re in love with being in love and don’t stop to realize that we need to absorb how much things have changed in our lives.  Regardless of the reasons, we go rushing in, f

k things up and end up hurting ourselves and our partners.

But the other thing we rarely acknowledge: sometimes we’re OVER our previous relationship before we’ve even ended it. That time we’re supposed to spend reflecting and moving on before dating someone new? Sometimes we do that while we’re still dating the person we’re getting ready to leave.

This is why I tend to side-eye folks who complain that so-and-so leapt into a new relationship too quickly; everyone has their own journey, and we’re not privy to what they’ve experienced. What seems like “an obvious rebound” to us could very well be something that person has been ready for, long before their last relationship ended.

Case in point: you already have a pre-existing relationship with Alpha. He’s been your friend lo these many years now. Presumably – considering you had enough attraction and trust to include him in a threesome on occasion – he’s seen you at your worst as well as your best and has a pretty good idea of all of your deepest, darkest personality flaws.

The two of you have clearly cared for one another for a long time as friends. I suspect that slipping into a romantic relationship will be about as difficult as easing into a warm bath on a cold day.

It’s understandable that you might want to take a little time to get used to the idea and to really let your newfound freedom sink in a bit before rushing into a committed relationship, and I support that idea. But I wouldn’t spend too much time or brain cycles worrying about whether or not this is a rebound relationship or what’s going to happen if you don’t work as lovers.

No, the real issue is the distance.

Long distance relationships are difficult under the best of circumstances and life in the military is notoriously rough on relationships. It’s hard enough to keep a regular communication schedule under normal circumstances. It’s another when you’re doing so half a world a way on an irregular time-schedule and when privacy and access to a phone and/or the Internet is at a premium. Right now his life isn’t his own; the Army owns his ass for the foreseeable future so any relationship you have with him is going to be a default poly triad: you, him and the military. I’m not saying it can’t be done – clearly there are plenty of relationships and marriages that survive overseas deployment – but trying to start a relationship that way… well, you’re jumping straight to a New Game+ on Insane difficulty.

So my advice: don’t stress the idea of a rebound. Don’t worry about Oneitis; you’re not really in a situation that lends itself to that condition. Keep in contact and keep the flame going; send flirty emails back and forth, talk about all the hot hot hot things you’re planning to do to each other when he’s back in town (I’d advise being careful sending any sexy pictures; with his current circumstances, his ability to keep them strictly private is incredibly limited) and continue to share your days and conversations together. But don’t call it a relationship juuuust yet. You’re a relationship in potentia. Go out and be social. Date casually if you feel the urge, but with the awareness that your soldier boy is coming home and as soon as he does, you are going to climb him like a goddamn tree.

After the two of you come up for air, THAT’S when you can start talking seriously about being in a committed relationship and figuring out the logistics of how you’re going to make this work.

Good luck!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m going to cut to the chase. I suffer mental illness and boy did it f

k up my past relationship.

I was with a guy from Canada for 2 1/2 years so I already had THAT against me, what with being an American. While I admittedly had a lot of body image issues before we dated and I gave him the heads up. He accepted it and we decided to start dating anyways. The problem was, dating this guy was a mistake because he was emotionally abusive.

He pushed me to give nude photos a lot, told me if I didn’t strip for him I didn’t love him, made fun of my weight… stuff like that. I don’t even feel like going into the rest… Generally this made me WORSE but I was too stupid to break up with this guy. In return I did bad things too. I regret constantly bothering him to talk me out of suicide and cry that if he left me I’d kill myself. I was very sick. I regret it all so much now and if I could apologize from the bottom of my heart… I would if I could. My parents weren’t taking me seriously at all during the time to get me ANY real help until it was far too late. 

After he broke up with me due to the stress of my mental illness I went off the wall and constantly harassed him over the phone to talk to me. At first it was because I missed him. But then it was anger over all the abuse in the beginning (there’s more but I don’t want to go in any further)

It got back to me from my old friends after a huge fallout. I was labeled a “stalker”. I guess I deserved this.

After 5 suicide attempts my parents finally took me seriously and got me help. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

I’m currently getting help and making a lot of progress but this leads me to ask..is there any hope for me in the dating world? Let’s be real. I REALLY f

ked up and I was obviously very, very sick. I was so scared of dying alone I recently drank bleach just to end it all. So instead of wanting to die anymore.. why not keep trying to be mentally stable? but what the F

K do I do doc? I can get better all I want but whose going to want a crazy like me?

– mentally unstable

DEAR MENTALLY UNSTABLE: Can we establish something right off the bat?

You’re not broken, you’re not worthless and you’re not defined by having a personality disorder.

That guy you were dating? The one who mocked you, who pushed you to do things you didn’t want to do, who took advantage of your body issues and used them to pressure you into bending to his will?

F

k that guy.

You’re right: he was a great big f

king abusive s

tbird and if there’s any karma in this universe it’ll be baring down on him like an out of control semi. He’s in another country and out of your life. I know it’s hard, but deliver the ultimate insult to him by simply forgetting about him. Spending time wishing for him to be infested by radioactive mutant pubic lice would be a waste of precious brain cycles that you could be using on something more significant, like memorizing which characters joined the X-Men during the Claremont/Cockrum years.

Now here’s what you need to do. And I’m warning you, it may be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, but it’s absolutely necessary. With me so far?

You need to forgive yourself.

Borderline Personality Disorder is one of those mental health issues that a few people hear about and immediately blow out of proportion; people who’ve never lived with it treat it as a diagnosis of “b*tch be crazy”. People who know nothing about it aside from what they’ve read on the Internet will assign moral judgments to it and assume that everyone with BPD are just toxic drama-factories who will do any number of socially maladaptive things because it means they stay in control.

But in reality, psychologists are starting to come around to the idea that BPD isn’t just “I shall cause trouble on purpose” but a reaction to TRAUMA. You acted out the way you did, not because you’re a s

t-stirring jerk but because you’ve been through the fires of hell and you’ve got the ashes to prove it.

You’ve had bad s

t happen, but you survived. You found yourself in a bad place and realized you needed help and you finally got it. Do you realize the sort of strength that takes? To paraphrase Boggle The Owl, you’re going through the emotional equivalent of trying to fight your way through a hundred miles of hostile jungle with a stick to try to make it to safety. You’ve been wrestling with your inner demons and trying to make it through the darkest nights of the soul. That’s not someone who’s damaged, that’s someone who’s fighting with all her might to get better.

That’s what you need to realize. There’s no shame in having problems. You’re getting help and you’re improving and that’s the most important part.  Defining yourself as “damaged” or “crazy” is disregarding all the work you’ve put in to getting mentally healthy again. It’s restricting yourself to who you were, not who you are or, more importantly, who you will be.

You’ve had some bad experiences in your past but you survived them. You did things you regret because you didn’t realize you needed help. It’s sad that it’s happened, but you need to be willing to let the past be the past and forgive yourself for being imperfect. For right now: don’t worry about dating or who could possibly want you. That time and those people will come. Right now, you want to focus your energy where it’s most important: on your recovery. Regain your strength. Continue to get better. There will be time enough for love.

There’s a line from one of my favorite comics that I think applies here, by the way:

“It’s never nearly as bad as it seems; you’re much stronger than you think you are. Trust me.”

Good luck. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)