DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: To make a long story short, after a decade-long relationship that lasted from my early twenties to early thirties, I’m now dating again. I’m a straight woman in a major urban area. I’ve been relying primarily on dating apps, which has had some ups and downs. I recently met a really nice guy and we’ve gone on a couple dates. He’s been very respectful, attentive, and has never pressured me in any way. He’s actually a breath of fresh air in comparison to some of the other guys I’ve met from the apps.

Except (there’s always an except, right?) that on occasion he has espoused incel-type beliefs and terminology, including the 80-20 thing (that the top eighty percent women are drawn to the top twenty percent of guys), made a joke about how that’s why women always pick the a

holes, and talked about Chads when I was sharing some of my funny dating app-related disasters. (It came up organically in the conversation.) I’m frankly confused. He’s an intelligent, good-looking guy, a good conversationalist, and overall a fun date. He doesn’t come across as being misogynistic at all, but I’m worried that if I continue going down this route and become invested, I may discover too late that’s he holds really toxic beliefs about women. I’m not sure if he’s sort of part of the less extreme wing of that community, a full-blown incel, or just a nice guy who’s been kicked around a little and taken comfort in some of the incels’ self-comforting fantasies without realizing how toxic they come across as being to other people. Whenever the subject comes up, he’s very straightforward about it as though relaying a normal fact about life, and doesn’t act ashamed or embarrassed at all. He’s older than me and hasn’t mentioned much about his dating history.

At this point in my life, I know better than to do battle with someone’s beliefs, and it’s not like he’s a long-standing friend or family member so I would be justified in making that type of intervention. The easiest thing to do would be to walk away, but I like him. I also know that I’m gun-shy due to some of my own past baggage, mostly related to how my long-term ex treated me, so I’m not sure if I’m looking for an excuse not to commit and avoid being hurt again. Since you’re a guy, I thought you might have a better take on this than me. What do you think?

Does That Make Me Stacy?

DEAR DOES THAT MAKE ME STACY: There’s a variation of the philosophical aphorism Occam’s Razor called Hanlon’s Razor: “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.” The idea of this philosophy is that what sometimes can seem like malicious, even cruel behavior is often the result of someone sitting on the spectrum ranging from blissful ignorance to being a complete f*cking idiot. According to this philosophy, people who might seem motivated by cruelty — and thus may be a lost cause — may, in reality just be ignorant and/or dumb, which is correctable. It doesn’t change the harm that they’ve done, but it does change what the appropriate and most effective response would be.

In this case, I’m going to propose a variation on this principle: don’t assume membership in a well-known group by use of their language when it could be equally explained by being Extremely Online.

One of the odder outcomes of the near universality of the Internet has been the rise and acceptance of memes — not image macros with weird or banal quotes on them but memetic ideas and beliefs, whose spread and integration mimic the behavior of viruses. Concepts, beliefs and phrases that used to be a sort of in-group marker spread to the general populace via social media and become part of the accepted vernacular, sometimes seemingly overnight. You can see this as phrases and iconography that used to be exclusive to African-American culture, drag queen culture, even forums like 4chan and Reddit make their way into general use by… pretty much everyone. They latch on and just become part of the everyday discourse of daily life, even though it seems like literally nobody was saying it the day before.

GamerGate? Pizzagate? Qanon? These are examples of memetic ideas that started out exclusively on 4chan and Reddit before reaching a critical mass in the mainstream.

But using those words or phrases doesn’t necessarily equate with actually being a member of that group; in many cases folks who talk about spilling the tea, for example, have no idea where the phrase came from. They just know what it means and they like using it. Most people don’t know that the phrase “shipping” — used to mean wanting to see two characters in a story, movie or tv series enter into a romantic relationship — came from X-Files fandom back in the 90’s; it’s just in common enough use that you see it all over the place. It’s rarely intentional; more often than not, somebody used in-group jargon in a non-in-group space and the phrase or concept functionally slipped it’s leash and escaped into the wild.

It’s entirely possible that this is the case with your friend. If he’s someone who spends a decent amount of time online, especially on Twitter or sites like Reddit or Tumblr, the odds are good that he’s encountered some of the phrases and concepts you’ve described completely independent of their communities of origin. The 80/20 rule, for example, is a mutation of an economic principle known as the Pareto Principle: the idea that 80% of your effects is the result of 20% of your causes. While this was coined to describe land ownership in 19th century Italy and economic disparity in general, it has since been applied to damn near everything under the sun. Applying it to dating — the idea that 20% of men get 80% of the women — incredibly popular in various permutations of the Men’s Rights community, including Pick-Up Artist and Red Pill communities or the Men Going Their Own Way groups. These communities tend to be incredibly vocal — even evangelical in some cases — so it’s certainly possible for your friend to have seen this via casual web browsing. The same is true about the whole Chad/Incel comparison; after Elliot Roger and Alec Minassian’s murder sprees, more people have become increasingly aware of not just the incel community, but their bizarre logic and belief system. Images get shared on Twitter and Instagram for others to point and gawk at, sites like We Hunted the Mammoth document their behavior online, newspapers and magazines dedicate column inches to the phenomena, subreddits spring up to talk about it all, and the jargon eventually penetrates into the mainstream.

So it’s not impossible that he’s come across all of this without having actually been part of those communities. Even bringing it up in casual conversation could be more about who he hangs out with and what they talk about than it is an indicator of his beliefs. I spend a lot of time in sex educator and fandom circles, and I have to remind myself regularly that not everybody is going to know what the hell I’m talking about when it comes to things like “compersion” or various fandom slang terms I picked up from TVTropes.

(This gets especially fun when people I know talk about doing CBT. I always have to ask WHICH CBT they’re referring to…)

That doesn’t mean that he’s not a member of those groups either… but it doesn’t have to be a binary “he’s an incel/not an incel” choice.

As a general rule of thumb, I advocate a policy of “deeds, not words” when it comes to trying to determine someone’s character. The way someone behaves is a much clearer indication of who they are as a person than what they say or the language they use. Someone might, for example, be supportive of LGBTQ people but use slurs to refer to them… often because it’s just what everyone around them says, or because they don’t realize that those are slurs. Similarly, someone might say all the right things to indicate that they’re pro-feminism and pro-social-justice, but their behavior makes it clear that they’re trying to use being a “feminist” as a way of getting into somebody’s pants.

This is why the axiom of “never date someone who’s rude to the waitstaff” is a valuable one; it’s a better indicator of who they are as a person than any pretty words or speeches.

In this case, your date’s said some things that, understandably, set off your Spidey-sense. On the other hand, the way he behaves indicates he’s a fairly stand-up guy. And while God knows there are plenty of Crouching Nice Guy/Hidden Douchebags out there who hide the s

tty side of their personalities until people are more invested in them, I’d err on the side of giving him the benefit of the doubt.

That does not, however, mean that you shouldn’t listen to your instincts. It might not be a bad idea to take a “trust, but verify” stance and see what can find out about him outside of your dates. Googling his name, seeing what he’s like on any public-facing social media profiles… all of that’s pretty SOP in dating in this day and age. You can learn more about somebody through their Instagram and Twitter feed than through an hour’s conversation after all.

I think there’re worse things you can do than give him a chance. If you do go on another date with him, you could always ask him about some of those things and see if you can draw him out. Does he really believe the whole 80/20 thing, what does he mean by “Chads”, and so on. How he responds may give you a better idea of where he stands than just going over the transcript of your previous conversations like it’s the Zapruder film.

But at the end of the day, what ultimately matters is whether you feel comfortable with him or not, regardless of what you do or don’t find. If you just don’t feel comfortable, even after a conversation or two, or doing a deep dive into his online presence? Then really, there’s nothing wrong with saying “Hey, this isn’t working for me, peace out Cub Scout”.

Good luck. And write back to let us know how it’s all going.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My wife and I are in a difficult situation, and I hoped you could offer some perspective. We have a mutual friend (let’s call him S), who I met through ballroom dancing (S and I are both dance instructors), and have known for about 7 years now. My wife has been taking lessons with S for about a year, and they are most of the way through a showcase performance they’ve been working on. Yesterday, she came home and told me the following story:

She was midway through her lesson with S, when she mentioned she was going to have breast reduction surgery. He “jokingly” expressed sadness at this, and added, “I’ll have to grab one before that happens as a farewell.” She felt uncomfortable, but laughed it off, as their relationship is based on humour and sometimes a bit of harmless flirting. Then later, still in the (empty) studio, he DID grab one. And then laughed it off like it was part of the joke. My wife was understandably shocked, and couldn’t come up with anything more than a passive-aggressive response. She allowed the lesson to finish to avoid the risk of things turning ugly.

A few other important details:

1. This is not the first time he’s done something like this: He was previously inappropriate towards her one night a couple years ago when we were at his place and got drunk on too much scotch – he apologized afterwards, and she didn’t see him for several months. I also just found out he’d previously behaved inappropriately towards another instructor, but management defended him when she tried to out him (he’s a big money-maker at the studio).

2. It’s possible that his actions were captured on the security camera. I want to have the tapes pulled (as far as I’m concerned, our friendship is over), but my wife is still sorting out what she wants to do and I’m letting her take the lead on this one (while still offering advice, of course).

So I guess the question is, what’s the appropriate response to this? My wife feels terrible because she wishes she could have stood up for herself more, and she definitely wants to cut ties but is also frustrated because of how much work went into the dance routine they made together. I’m being as supportive as I can, while trying to figure out how to not punch him in the face when I inevitably see him at work. We even had a tabletop session planned with other friends this weekend, and I’m trying to figure out a graceful way to just bow out of it. My wife said she’s fine if I just behave like everything’s normal, but I’m not buying it, and it’s not possible anyway.

Any clarity you can offer would be wonderful, thank you.

- Furious Husband

DEAR FURIOUS HUSBAND: First and foremost: I’m so sorry this happened to your wife, and your wife should forgive herself for her reaction to this. Her reaction to de-escalate the situation with a passive-aggressive comment is an incredibly common one. There were a lot of factors at play in that scenario. For starters, there’s the pure shock that this happened out of the clear blue sky. Many times when incidents like this happen, the brain vapor locks; it’s so unexpected and so out of the ordinary that it’s difficult to believe it’s actually happening. By the time your brain reboots and accepts that yes, this s

thead grabbed your boob, he’s already pulled back and started laughing about it and while your glands are dumping adrenaline into your bloodstream that causes your muscles to stiffen up and your senses to sharpen.

If you’re not used to this sensation, it’s incredibly stressful. It’s part of why our response to danger is fight, flight or freeze. It’s also why first responders, police officers and soldiers all train for emergency scenarios and women’s self-defense classes run drills with simulated attacks and rapists. All that practice is to train people to respond when their adrenaline kicks in; their brains may lock up but they’ve practiced so often their bodies respond automatically. If you’re not used to having been grabbed or groped like that, the odds are greater that you’re going to freeze instead. And that’s perfectly normal.

Then there’s the fact that she’s alone with him in an empty studio. And while they may be friends with a long history together, the combination of his sudden decision to grope her and the fact that he’s almost certainly larger, heavier and stronger than her is going to put her in an uncomfortable position. On the one hand, yeah they’ve known each other for years, so there’s a presumed level of trust… but on the other hand, he just violated her trust and boundaries and seems to think it’s funny. If she makes him angry, there’s a non-zero chance that things could escalate very gooddamn quickly in ways that would make things much worse.

So while I can completely understand your wife’s disappointment in herself, the fact of the matter is that she didn’t do anything wrong. She was dealing with a situation she’s never been in before and had an entirely normal and natural reaction to it.

Similarly, I can understand the desire to haul off and deck the guy, PH, but as tempting as it is, it will only make things worse. One of the ugly truths about this sort of sexual assault — and it is assault — is how rarely people will take it seriously. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard women complain about guys getting grabby and being told to laugh it off, that it wasn’t that big of a deal or that if she didn’t slap him right then and there or immediately report him to someone, then it couldn’t have been that bad. And, straight talk: the odds are good that this is exactly what you would hear from people if you smacked the taste out of his mouth. All that would happen is that you’d get fired and your ex-friend would go on blithely wondering why you freaked out on him over what just wasn’t that big of a deal.

What you both should do is cut this guy loose with the quickness. While I can understand her hesitancy, what with all that time she put into her dance routine, that’s just the sunk-cost fallacy kicking in. This isn’t the first time he’s been grossly inappropriate to her. Once is forgivable,  if he’s made a good faith effort to make amends, change his behavior and ensure that it never happens again. Twice — three, if you count the gross comment he made before he groped her — is a sign that this dude needs to be kicked to the curb with the trash. He’s had his chance and s

t got worse. It’s time for him to go.

I do think that, if she feels safe doing so, that your wife should let him know just why he’s persona non grata in your lives now. He should know that his exile from your life is entirely his fault. Not only will this help your wife feel like she’s gotten something back after what he did, but it helps cut off any rationalization he might have about his actions. If you were to confront him about this first, he might think that it couldn’t be that bad because your wife didn’t say anything. Her telling him off cuts the legs of that defense right out from under him. It’ll drive home that actions have consequences and that what he did was unacceptable and it might inspire him to get his s

t together and hopefully never grab the boob of someone who hasn’t given him boob-grabbing permission.

You, on the other hand, can be colder than a penguin’s ass to him at work. If he comes to talk to you, tell him to piss off. If he wants to talk it out with you, then shut that s

t down; you’re not the person he needs to apologize to, your wife is. And frankly she may not be in a forgiving mood, which is entirely her right.

As for the tabletop session… go ahead and come up with a reason you can’t make it. I wouldn’t tell them why unless and until your wife gives you clearance to talk about it. This is her story, after all, and it’s her right to decide how it gets rolled out and to whom.

If he’s a regular member of this group, then it may be worth telling the others that you and he are on the outs and you’re not comfortable with him around right now. If they want details, all you have to say is that he’s done some stuff that was unacceptable; that’s all they need to know until your wife gives you the OK to talk about it. And if they don’t feel like that this is enough to cut him loose or feel like they don’t want to have the drama of kicking him out… then, as much as it may suck, it may be time to find a different gaming group.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This past week has been extremely confusing for me because one of my exes has been thoroughly confounding me.

Backstory: I “fell” for this girl in grade 5, upon seeing her for the first time I thought she was the most beautiful woman on earth (I was young) and I was determined to date her. After lots of chasing her and putting up with denials (long story), her and I became a couple on our last year of high school/first year of college. She wanted to be a doctor though, and because we were spending so much time together her grades started really slipping in school to the point where she got kicked out because she was spending so much time with me and not enough time on her school work. So I broke up with her because at the time I thought it was best for her (and because I was very immature at the time and needed to grow up, which I did when my mom died later that year).

We both moved on, but kept in touch, and I feel like we still harbor soft spots for each other. Our break up wasn’t vicious or anything, as I said, just a case of something that needed to happen for both of us. Anyways, she grew up, started dating a guy after me who she was with for five or six years and they moved away. However, two or three weeks ago they broke up and I did my best to cheer her up for her birthday. But this week, she’s started to really come on to me, suggesting I come see her and heavily implying she wants me sexually. She is very forceful about it (insisting I come see her, even though I cannot at the moment due to university) and I am most definitely interested in her (I will always have a soft spot for her). This leads me to my problem, I fear she just wants sex and to have her urges fulfilled, and I don’t want to be taken advantage of. In my conversations with her, I’m being the same sweet, caring guy to her, but she seems to only want to talk when she ‘s in the mood for other things.

If she wants me, I’m fine with that, but I don’t want whatever is going to happen become something I’m emotionally invested into and she isn’t. I cannot tell if she’s coming back because of our past or if it’s because she wants a future but she hasn’t healed fully from her break up to go about it in the right way. I really don’t know if I should just give her space but leave myself open to her approaches, or if I should push for things she may not be ready for due to the healing process. I am most definitely interested in her though, and it’s not because of nostalgia, but I think she might be feeling the nostalgia.

Any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated,

Thoroughly Confused.

DEAR THOROUGHLY CONFUSED: I hate getting letters like these because I’m fairly certain you already know what I’m going to say… you’re just hoping that you’re wrong.

First of all: congratulations on being able to stay friends and stay in contact even after the break-up. That says a lot for your relationship with your ex and for your character. It’s a hard thing to do, even under the best of circumstances.

But I’m going to be honest: I don’t think you have a soft spot for her, I think you haven’t actually let yourself heal and recover. Five or six years is a damned long time to keep holding a torch for an ex, even one that you had an incredibly intense relationship with over a short period of time.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel for you, I really do. I’ve had my own share of exes that I couldn’t let go of for years, to the point of actually damaging our friendship afterwards. I’m willing to go out on a limb and assume that you’ve picked at that particular wound – like constantly poking your tongue at a sore tooth or a bad bruise. Speaking for myself, I wasted a lot of time and caused a lot of heartache by holding out hope that my ex and I might get back together when the stars aligned and the fates smiled down on us and quite frankly, holding on to that really held me back in a lot of ways.

And I’m worried that it’s going to do the same thing to you.

So here’s the harsh advice: don’t go and sleep with her.

She’s already said in every way but with words that she’s not really interested in getting back together; she’s not responding to your sending out boyfriend vibes because that’s not what she wants. She’s attracted to you – especially since she’s made it clear she wants to jump your bones – and she’s probably very fond of you, but not in the way that you want.

Exes can make for very appealing hook-ups: they’re an appealing mix of novelty – you haven’t been together in a while and things will have changed – and the familiar. There’s a certain level of challenge in the seduction but not an insurmountable one; after all, you presumably already know what rev’s their particular engine. And yeah, there’s going to be some nostalgia there. If the two of you had a passionate relationship that ended on fairly good terms, of course she’s going to look back on it with fondness and affection.

Now believe me, I understand just how tempting all of this is for you – it’s like you’re being offered a second chance at something you’ve always wanted. But the cold and hard truth is that what you want and what she wants are two entirely different things. It would be one thing if you were the sort of person who could compartmentalize how you feel for her and separate it from the joys of just getting down and dirty with someone who you know. It’s quite another to be going in with hopes that a weekend fling might mean something more.

Here’s what I predict would happen if you go out to see her: you’re going to have a great time at first. It’s going to feel like old times only better because you’ve grown and changed and now you have more to offer and you’re in a better place than you were before. But at least some part of you is going to be asking yourself: “What does this mean?” You’re going to be reading the tea leaves into everything, trying to see whether this is just a fling for her or if it’s a sign that she’s ready to get back together.

At some point you – and I’m willing to put down money that it will be you – will try to initiate the “defining the relationship” conversation.

And that’s where it’s going to fall apart. Either she will admit that she likes you but isn’t ready – or looking for – getting back together or she will try to put it off and ask for time to think about it and get her head straight. Which will be her way of trying to postpone the inevitable. And then all those old wounds and scars are going to re-open and you’re going to have set yourself up for getting hurt all over again – and it may even make it harder to stay friends afterwards.

Now maybe I’m wrong. You know your ex better than I do. But I don’t think you would’ve written to me if you didn’t already have some nagging doubts and suspicions.

I’m not saying break off contact. I am saying that I think going to see her will be an invitation to getting hurt again and you should think very carefully about it before you actually do anything.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com