DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve managed to get myself into a difficult situation and could use some advice on how to deal with it. I recently found your site and have been impressed with the no-nonsense advice you give and your mission to make men better at dating. After all, what I’m after advice on is how to do the-right-thing.

So anyway, I split with my long term ex almost a year ago. It was a toxic relationship and had a large negative impact on my life, and frankly the breakup was a disaster with threats of suicide and all kinds of attacks on me and my personality. You can probably guess it left me with a few small hangups.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I’m in a new city without many friends in the area and decide I would like someone to share all the great new things going on around me with. I join Ok Cupid and set up my profile and seem to gain some interest pretty quickly. Day 1 I see a match I like so I message her and say I’d like to get to know her. She replies, we chat and all is well.

Fairly quickly I ask if she wants to meet and she says yes, we can meet in a week (just before New Year). We keep chatting and then just before we meet suddenly the flirting gets ramped all the way up to 11. A couple of nights before and we’re having weird text sex and she’s sending me semi-naked photos. Having been without any action, my hormones are on fire and I’m into it. In hindsight I should have backed off but got totally sucked in instead, and so our prospective date turned into spending New Year together.

I go to meet her at her place and she jumps me immediately. From that point it’s sex almost hourly for the next two days and by the end of it I’m totally worn out. Now on paper, this girl is amazing. She’s into all the same things as me and when we were first chatting it was obvious we were on the same wavelength with almost everything we talked about. It seemed that chemistry was inevitable, but halfway through day 2 and I was just totally over it. I couldn’t connect with her. It seemed that we could make it 30 minutes before she was rubbing on me and it just escalated from there.

A few days later and we’re still texting and chatting but she is really full on and I’m just not feeling it like that. I’ve told her I find it too much, that I would like to chat about something other than sex, but it always seems to come back to that. She says she’s very inexperienced (we’re in our 30s and I didn’t get that impression but you never know) and she thought I was the one who’s libido was too much, but her texts are still very intense. Now I’m really having a problem with this. We’re not close by so I won’t get to see her again for over a week. I don’t know how to respond to these messages that isn’t either faking the same thing back, or initiating a breakup. They don’t seem to be something I can just deflect. Ideally I would want to hit the reset and slowly get to know her better (I’m not sure my sudden turn-off isn’t down to a hangup from the past relationship and if it is I’d rather deal with it than let it make decisions for me), but these messages are just forcing my hand toward a breakup and I don’t want to just drop that into our text messages. I’d much rather wait until I next see her and talk to her and if it needs us to split then it can be face to face.

Sorry for the obligatory rambling, but any advice would be hugely appreciated

All the best

Out of His Depth

DEAR OUT OF HIS DEPTH: You know, there’s almost certainly going to be someone who’s accusing you of lying or humblebragging, OoHD.

I mean, on your first day on OKCupid, you find this wonderful girl who syncs up with you in all these incredible ways and she wants to do almost nothing but f

k every hour on the hour?

You can already hear the people declaring that this is clearly a fake letter.

But hey, I believe you man. There’re going to be people who’ll insist that they’d cheerfully murder a hobo for what you’re complaining about but I get what you’re talking about. You basically want one kind of relationship with this woman and she very clearly wants another and you’re not sure what to do about it.

Well, it’s like I tell people over and over again: you’ve got to establish and maintain your boundaries. Boundaries aren’t just for weeding out toxic people who play head games, they’re for making sure your partner doesn’t run roughshod all over you. And at the moment, that’s exactly what your paramour, for lack of a better term, is doing: she’s making you uncomfortable by constantly talking about sex, sending sexy texts, trying to f

k you as soon as you walk in the door, etc even when you’ve told her you’d rather not. That’s not cool, OoHD, even if it’s something that people will insist “isn’t really a problem” or is a problem they’d love to have. And hey: the fact that she’s inexperienced isn’t an excuse. It’s more than you want or can handle and it’s making you uncomfortable. You’ve told her so and it doesn’t seem to have made a difference. So now what?

Well, you have a choice. You can split up with her now, you can just roll with it and hope things get better… or you can enforce your boundaries. You’re not the only person who’s been made uncomfortable by a partner with a higher libido, and you’re certainly not the only man who’s had a hard time telling his partner to slow her roll. If this woman is as awesome on paper as you say and you want to give your relationship another shot, then you need to draw that line in the sand and make it stick. This means that if you tell her to stop and she doesn’t, you need to be willing to walk away. Letting her roll over you when you’ve told her to stop doing something just indicates that she doesn’t need to take your protests seriously because hey, she’s going to get what she wants in the end anyway, right?

I don’t recommend waiting until you see her face to face;  after all, her texts are making you as uncomfortable as her just rubbing up on you and poking your junk going “ready? ready?” Waiting until you see her again just means putting up with behavior that makes you tense and uneasy and gives the impression that you’re ok with it.

So the next time she sends you those sexts, straight-up tell her. Say “Hey, I really like you things are more intense, sexually, than I’m comfortable with and I really want to dial things back. I want to take things slowly and get to know you better and the sex and sexy talk is getting in the way of that for me. So I’d really prefer to talk with you and do things that don’t involve sex. Let’s slow down and let me get my bearings and we can find a pace that works for both of us, ok?”

And then you wait and see how she responds. As with many things in life, your motto should be “deeds, not words”. It doesn’t matter if she talks a good game if she goes right back to sexting you and trying to haul you into bed before you’re ready; that’s just a case of someone paying lip-service to your boundaries while running over them again. Hopefully she’s as awesome as you think she is and she’ll realize that this is overwhelming you and dial it back and the two of you can have a dialogue about what you want, what you’re comfortable with and how you can get there. Then this will become one of those shared memories that you’ll both laugh about in years to come when you look back on your relationship.

And if not… well, you know what you need to do. If worst comes to worse and you do need to break up, well, then you’ll be in a better position to establish and maintain your boundaries in your future relationships.

You’ve got this.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My experience with women is quite low. I had at the age of 24 my first time intercourse without an orgasm (and what was for me far more awkward) she also had none. Prior it I had just a few experiences which could be counted under “clothed lapdance” or “heavy petting”, no blowjob yet. Since I’m now already 30 I worry that I’m totally incompatible with women.

I see two or better three problems:

– my shyness. I can’t beat that silly shyness that keeps me from talking to girls that I like. Even alcohol won’t help. The really few attempts I sounded like an idiot, almost stuttered and left while the girls turned their backs to me.

– my remaining virginity. since I haven’t had much experience with girls (heck, I never kissed, nor did I learn how) 

– my handicap: broken kidneys and dialysis. Because of it my interest in girls started with 19 or 20 first. My self-confidence for my body suffered a bit by it since my arm has some scars and a bigger lump, doesn’t make sexy.

So, I could need some advise how I could attract women since at the moment I can visit bars or clubs… somehow I’m the one standing at the bar or in the corner without company, ignored by the females.

Can you give me a hint?

Kind regards!

NOOB

DEAR NOOB: You’re not incompatible with women.

I know our culture likes to emphasize the idea that a man is not a virgin, but there’s nothing wrong with being inexperienced at 30. At worst, you’re a little on the right hand side of the bell-curve. That’s it.

You had something of a late start due to medical issues and that’s perfectly fine. It’s the pressure you’re putting on yourself to make up for lost time and to match up to an imaginary and self-imposed standard that’s causing you stress.

Take your inability to orgasm during your first time at penetration; that’s actually incredibly common for guys, especially virgins. The idea that all virgin men pop their corks the instant penis meets vagina is a myth; some guys take incredibly long to reach orgasm and others don’t orgasm at all, for any number of reasons. The sensations are completely different from what they’re used to, they may be letting the stress of trying to impress their partner get to them or they may not be getting the type of sensation they need.

(And, I might add, women frequently don’t have orgasms the first time with a new partner. The first time with a new partner can often be a semi-awkward experience as everybody tries to sort out what this partner likes that their other partner didn’t, worrying about body issues, etc.)

Here’s the thing: your issues are mostly in your head. They’re phantasms that you’re letting psyche you out.

Let’s take your virginity issue: you’re relatively inexperienced. Big fat hairy deal. This is only as much of an issue as you let it be. Most women are going to follow your lead; if you roll it out as though it’s a huge problem, they’re going to respond as though it’s a huge problem. If you roll it out like it’s no big deal – or, better, a bonus – they’ll respond accordingly. You may or may not encounter the rare woman who freaks out at the idea of a virgin your age, but that’s her problem, not yours. She is the weird one and to be perfectly frank, you don’t want to be sticking your d

k in that anyway.

You want someone who will be willing to respect you for you, not for how many partners you may or may not have had. Someone who actually cares about you will be willing to guide you along, as long as you have a can-do attitude and a willingness to take direction and advice without letting your ego get in the way.

It’s the same with your physical issues. You don’t want to roll them out to someone as though you’re as fragile as a piece of glass and you could fall apart at any moment. It’s the opposite: you’re a strong son of a bitch who’s managed to survive the world’s best attempts to kill you.

Like the saying goes: when life gets tough, that’s because God’s afraid of your progress.

Scars can be disconcerting to some yes, but people will get used to them as they get to know you. Again, it’s all in your presentation. Hiding them and treating them like they’re shameful can make others react as though they should see them as something to be ashamed of. They’re not unsexy skin deformations, they’re proof that you’ve taken some of the worst that the world’s thrown at you and survived.

And hey, nobody says they have to stay the way they are. A friend of mine who’s undergone a significant number of surgeries in order to correct spinal defects has gotten his scars tattooed over and they look remarkably bad-ass.  You might find it useful to talk to a tattoo artist about the possibility of working them into a design.

Now the shyness can be a tough problem to crack. It can be difficult to overcome a lifetime of shyness, especially when it’s coupled with insecurities. If you have an honest-to-God panic attack at approaching women, you may want to talk to a therapist who specializes in social anxiety. If it’s an issue of approaching people that you’re attracted to, I recommend a process of systematic desensitization, where you get yourself used to approaching people by slowly building up the level of contact from “asking for the time” to “asking for a date”. 

And don’t limit yourself by sticking to trying to meet women at bars or clubs. While these can be great places to meet people, they may not be places that match your personality or where you’re going to find the women you’re interested in. I’ve written fairly extensively about where you can go to meet women that AREN’T bars or clubs — such as bookstores, MeetUps, classes, networking events and more. Choosing some lower-pressure venues – or online dating for that matter – might be more along the lines of what you’re looking for.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m stuck in a rut that I have no reason to be stuck in.

I’m a college student who is single as single gets. I’m pretty sure there are castrated monks who have had more of a love life than I have. I had difficulty finding a job this summer, so money is something of an issue (more than usual). Therefore, when my cute friend who sat by me in my social work class pinged on my radar, I tried to rein in the hormones. We seemed to gel pretty well together, but I figured it wouldn’t mean much if I asked her out on a date and then couldn’t do anything else for a few weeks.

Eventually, I told myself that if she really liked me, she would empathize one broke college student to another and we could work out cheap dates. So I ran into her at the library one day. I was straightforward: I told her about Schrodinger’s dates, that I thought they were scummy, and that I wanted to take her on a date date.

She said she was flattered…but she was already seeing someone.

Stab.

Twist.

Here’s where the “no reason” part comes in: I did everything right. I didn’t blow up or call her a whore or anything Nice Guy-ish. She was super cool about the whole thing. Hell, the rational part of me recognized that I had done as much research as I could. I had checked through her social media, and there were no pictures of her that would indicate she was dating. Plus, the fact that she said she was “seeing” someone made me think this was a recent development.

Nonetheless, I’ve had a bad bout of depression the past two weeks, and I know getting shot down is the cause. I’ve made every rationalization I could to snap myself out of it: if she had said yes and left out the boyfriend fact, our relationship would have been built on a lie. Maybe we went on a date, and it turns out we’re completely incompatible. Or she decides to casually bring up her castration fetish. Lots of fish in the sea. But depression, feeling like a failure, and my inner catastrophizer screaming “SEE? PROOF YOU’RE GOING TO DIE ALONE!” know of no such thing as reason.

Any suggestions as to get myself back on track?

Lost In the Weeds

DEAR LOST IN THE WEEDS: I’m going to give it to you straight: you’re in this rut because you’re making far more about this than there needs to be. You met someone cute, you asked her out on a date, she said thanks but. That’s it, really. Everything else after that is just your jerkbrain rounding all of this up to having more meaning than “cute woman had a boyfriend”.

The reason why you’re so upset is because right now you’re looking for all the ways that you f

ked up and trying to find something that you can use to blame yourself. And frankly, that’s bulls

t. There wasn’t any amount of “research” that was gonna help; not everyone puts all of their business online. Hell, you may even have seen her boyfriend without realizing it; you don’t know. And while I know the whole reason Zuckerberg invented Facebook was so folks could tell if so-and-so from Freshman Lit 101 was single or not, the truth is that you’re only going to know if someone’s available by asking them out. You did and you got turned down for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you. She’s got a boyfriend; his existence says precisely two things about you, your worth and your desirability:

1)Jack.

2)S

t.

And Jack left town.

Now maybe if you’d pulled the trigger on this earlier you wouldn’t have built things up quite as much; you wouldn’t have devoted as much time and emotional bandwidth to your crush, so it would’ve sucked slightly less when you got turned down. But that’s just pure hindsight.

But here’s the thing about hindsight: it’s supposed to give you the experience so you know what to do next time. Your past mistakes are lessons for you to learn from, not a club to beat yourself with. Now you know that you can date while being broke, not to emotionally overinvest in people and not to hesitate when you’re interested in someone.

Your next step — and the key to getting out of this funk — is to get back up and try again with someone else. As cute and desirable as your classmate may be, she’s not the only one out there. There are millions of women out there, women who aren’t seeing someone and who will want what you have to offer. So it’s on you to go find some of them.

Straight talk, my man: rejection is part of the game. Nobody goes five for five, not Ryan Gosling, not Brad Pitt, not Chadwick Boseman. Someone turning you down is just a sign that you two weren’t right for one another, and now you’re free to not worry about them. It’s time to get back up, get back out there and meet some more awesome folks.

And if you’re into them… ask ’em out. Even if you think you’re too broke or out of their league. You’ll be surprised which ones will say yes.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So lately I’ve been reading a lot of on the so-called “Red Pill” and I’m just so confused and having analysis paralysis which sucks!

Since reading Red Pill forums, I can’t stop over analyzing attraction, alpha and beta male characteristics. I guess my question to you is… What truly makes an “alpha male”. What do women truly want in a man? Is it simply being the best authentic version of yourself, that keeps you true to your personality???

Thanks so much,

Red and Blue

DEAR RED AND BLUE: I’ve written a fair bit about the problems with “taking the Red Pill” and a lot of the mistaken ideas about being an “alpha male” both on my site and on my YouTube channel, so you may want to give those a look.

The biggest takeaway is: the alpha/beta dichotomy is basically bulls

t. It was spawned by flawed science – examining the behavior of pack animals in zoos, instead of the wild – that was latched onto by people who want to distill human attraction down to something that could fit on a bumper sticker. Even in primates, the dichotomy doesn’t exist. Dominant chimpanzees may have a harem, but they maintain it through beating and murdering other males, not because the female chimps want the alpha of the group. As soon as the dominant chimp’s back is turned, the females are quite cheerfully banging the so-called “betas” when they go in heat.

(This is without getting into the fact that we’re not related to chimps; we’re much closer to bonobos, which is a different ball o’ wax entirely.)

There are decidedly dominant and domineering men. There are more submissive men. Neither of them have the exclusive monopoly on straight women’s interest. Some women like a low-key, easy going guy. Others like the rough-tough-takes-no-s

t type. Some like the dudes who are in between the two extremes. Some even like both, depending on the mood they’re in. And the same is true for men: some men like dominant, aggressive women and others like the shy and retiring types, etc.

Now, there are some traits that are generally not going to be attractive. Being jealous, for example, isn’t an attractive trait. Neither is apathy, for that matter. But when it comes to attraction, there will be women who’ll drool over Idris Elba and there’ll be ones who prefer someone like David Bowie.

The best thing you can do is just what you said: find and cultivate the best version of your most authentic self and then find the people who appreciate and are attracted to what you’ve got to offer.

(And hey, if you need help doing that development, check out my book, New Game +…)

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com