DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Well this seems like my yearly f

k dating thing I do all the time. It seems that I’m not up to cut to date anyone ever. I’ve been working out for few years lost 70lbs and still feel like crap most of the time. Dating at this moment is a constant reminder of past, present and future failures in trying to even find a women that is even 2% interested in me or anything that I have to say. To me it seems that women are immediately repulsed by me; none have ever said that but it’s the feeling I get.

I workout 4-6 days a week, have a good paying job, friends that I don’t hate, two motorcycles, go to EDM concerts and travel quite a bit, hobbies include trying to learn to draw and DJ.

So at this point it either has to be location or me. I’ve tried OKCupid, I never get any responses I always ask something about a picture they have or a joke or something. Tinder I lasted about 36 hours before I deleted that. Tinder added to the fact that my face must be severely f

ked. I’ve reading Models, No More Mr. Nice Guy, Mate, Definitive Book on Body Language. Takeaway from those is once again keep working on yourself and it will happen. Keep and eye open but don’t look too hard.

Right….

My two roommates must be vagina whispers, they have so many girls every week coming in and out of the house it’s insane. They don’t leave the f

king house they barely clean, I’m pretty sure if these guys lived on their own, their house would be a disaster. I started going to therapy a year ago to hopefully figure out what to do but at this point. Turns out I have ADHD and depression. My mood is better but that’s about it.

I was listening to an art of manliness podcast, they had Duana Welch on she was talking about how to be more attractive to women. I gathered from that talk was that men  who don’t want to provide or protect are not much use as a man. But men don’t like women that are unattractive.

I believe people should hold there own and only need minimal help from the other person, so I’m screwed. So since I don’t care to provide and protect for women, some other guy will and I’m useless as a man. If this is 50/50, are we not equals? They were talking about making a list of dating requirements, like loyalty and femininity and whatnot.

Just flashing back to the women in my life growing up were all breadwinners, they ran their own businesses all worked in some caliber. From what I’m reading those women are going against the norm and are also screwed to be alone forever as well.

I’m 31 now, and I wasn’t always this lonely or down about being by myself. But around 25 or 26, even though I was doing all the things I was supposed to in order to enjoy life, I just wasn’t meeting women. And as that started building on itself, it just became the biggest failure in my life, and what I started worrying about constantly.

I’ve talked with my therapist about trying to get in a good feedback loop by just doing just little things but those don’t help still feel useless and worthless. Then that spills over into any type of relationship I would have had with anyone.

At this point I’m more frustrated and angry more than anything. Feels as though I should give up. At 30 not that I’ve lived that long or anything, everyone says once you hit 30 you won’t care and then it will happen. 

Any advice ?

Sincerely,

Frustrated Nerdy Black Guy

DEAR FRUSTRATED NERDY BLACK GUY: My first piece of advice is very simple, even if it’s contradictory to, y’know, the fact that I’m dead-bang in the middle of the self-help industry: PUT THE BOOKS DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM THEM. Seriously man, no more books, no more podcasts, no more guides to personal development, no more looking for the magic bullet that’s going to transform s

t for you because all it’s doing is making you goddamn miserable.

There are a whole lot of problems in going into a self-help overload, but part of it is that they’re selling a one-size-fits-all sort of solution, something that may work for a slice of people, but sure as s

t isn’t going to work for everyone… assuming it works at all in the first place.

(As an aside: check out The1Janitor’s Youtube video “Is Self-Help A Scam” for a fascinating discussion on the industry as a whole.)

Right now, all you’re doing is letting all of this information — much of it either contradictory or just plain unhelpful — f

k with your head. All you’re doing is feeding your anxieties and insecurities because your confirmation bias is just telling you over and over again that you must be doing something wrong and it’s all your fault. After all, if these are the purported solutions to your problems and they’re not working… well, you must be especially f

ked somehow, right?

Wrong.

Your biggest problem isn’t that you’ve been f

ked by the fickle finger of fate, it’s that all you’re doing is looking for solutions that don’t meaningfully address the problems you actually have and you’re creating this f

ked up false dichotomy for yourself based on other people’s beliefs that have absolutely no bearing on your life or lived experiences. In fact, you’re taking other people’s declaration as valid over the experiences you’ve already lived through.

One of the things you should always do when you’re looking for advice — whether it’s from me, Mark Manson, Captain Awkward, Dear Prudence, Dan Savage or literally anyone else — is consider their perspective and general philosophy on things. That’s always going to color not just their advice but their outlook on the world. I’m never going to send people to talk to Corporal MGTOW or something because their whole philosophy is functionally “it’s so HARD to be a hetero white man these days” and a whole lot of s

t about how women are trying to steal your vital essences. In the case of Art of Manliness… well look, their whole thing is that they’re very much a “let’s get back to this old-fashioned, John Wayne style of masculinity” and a belief in very gender existentialist, heteronormative and very white forms of manhood. By their very nature, they’re going to be looking at a much more “traditional” idea of what men and women should want and should be. The problem is that this often runs headlong into the fact that this isn’t the 1950s anymore and most of the golden age they’re reminiscing about is more nostalgia-porn and myth-making than reality.

Take, for example, the idea that women want a provider. The reason why this dynamic exists and has existed for as long as it has is because for several hundred years, women weren’t legally allowed to provide for themselves. S

t, women weren’t allowed to have bank accounts until the 60s and 70s. So for a very long period of time, women who didn’t have generational wealth needed a provider because it was literally the difference between starvation and survival.

And even then, women have always wanted their own financial independence. The women in your experience aren’t exceptions, they’re much more of the norm than people accept or even realize. Women, and women of color in particular, have been working and trying for self-sufficiency, often because they had to.

Practically speaking… well yes, you’ll occasionally find a woman who wants to be taken care of, the vast majority of people — not women, people — are looking for someone who’s not going to be a drain on them. They’re not looking for someone who’s going to bring all the money and pay all the bills, they’re looking for someone who’s going to carry their own share of the weight. Trust me: if women were just genetically programmed to be like Madonna’s “Material Girl”, the cliche of the unemployed boyfriend who keeps draining his girlfriend’s bank accounts would never exist.

Double points if he’s a “musician”.

Then there’s the fact that you’ve created your own imaginary nemesis..es… to compare yourself to. The guy with the seven figure bank account who’s gonna swoop in and take care of the women you don’t want to provide and protect? He doesn’t exist. You’re not competing with him. He’s a figment of your imagination, built out of your anxieties and your fears that you’re somehow deficient or broken. And comparing yourself to folks you know is a mistake too. Let’s take your roommates, the “vagina whisperers” (and also… ew. Could we not refer to either your roommates OR the women they date that way? Thanks.)

Let’s say that it is exactly as you say: that they’re parading women in and out like they’ve figured out how to build a literal chick magnet. Here’s the most important question: is that what you actually want? Not “well, they’re getting any dates/sex/long, lingering deep-tissue massages”. Is that actually the sort of relationship you want and the type of women you want? Is that even the lifestyle you want? Or are you letting the fact that they’re having any success, for suitably variable definitions of success, blind you to everything else?

Social, sexual or romantic success isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer, either. It doesn’t do you any good to have a long string one one-night-stands with women you never see again when what you actually want is a committed, monogamous, long-term relationship. Getting envious of others when what they have isn’t even what you actually want or need is a great way to drive yourself crazy chasing after something that will never make you happy if you ever managed to catch it.

And then there’s the issue with Tinder and OKCupid. The problem there is as likely the fact that, frankly, online dating as we currently know it sucks and the way that apps try to curate the experience only makes it worse. The likelihood that your issue is as much about demographics and the way men and women use online dating apps is far higher than “well my face is just plain busted”. And even then, the solution would be “better quality photos”, not “may as well lie down and rot”.

Right now your main issue is that you’ve gotten yourself so twisted around the axle of your lack of dating success that everything is just going to end up making things worse. What you need right now — more than anything else — is to take a step away from all of it. Put away all the books and podcasts, let your apps go dormant and focus on getting your head right first. I mean, you only just found out that you’re dealing with undiagnosed depression and ADHD. That alone is going to go a LONG way towards explaining why you’re so angry and frustrated right now. It’s not because you’re a loser, it’s because you’ve been fighting through your brain chemistry and that is gonna both exhaust you and suck the joy out of… well, everything. Right now, even if you were to meet the woman of your dreams, you wouldn’t be in a place to make that relationship work because you’ve got a lot of (very understandable) negativity that’s spilling into the rest of your life. Getting that part of your life sorted out is going to remove one of the biggest and most important roadblocks between you and your future happiness.

But the other reason you need to take a step back is that your frustration is getting in your way. Think of it like getting stuck in Dark Souls or Sekiro — you keep dying over and over again trying to beat this ONE boss and it’s driving you up the GODDAMN wall because at least a third of the time, you can’t even get to the second stage of the fight. Hell, sometimes you can’t even get to the boss and you know you can do that, you’ve done that before so why in pluperfect f

kery are you getting ganked there?

You’re getting upset, which is making you impatient, which is making you rush, which is making you sloppy. Then you make a trivial mistake you wouldn’t make otherwise and you get got and now you’re set back further and have to do this s

t all over again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Taking a break from that lets your frustration recede, lets your muscles unclench and you are able to just relax. Then, when you come back to it a day or two later, you smoke that boss like you weren’t even trying hard.

That is the whole point of “it’ll happen when you stop trying.” It’s not some woo-woo-I-read-The-Secret-too-many-times s

t, it’s “I took a break and calmed down and came back to it when I was in a better place”. It’s the difference between walking and trying to jog when all of your muscles are tensed at the same time. You need to take a break from all of the desperate “Maybe THIS will fix me! OK maybe THIS. Ok, maybe THIS!” and find your zen. You want to get to a place where you’ve got your depression and ADHD reasonably under control, where you feel like your life is pretty good and that you actually have control, instead of feeling like you’re clinging to the back of a rampaging bull and you can’t relax for even a moment.

Then, once you’re ready — which may take a while, and that’s OK — start putting some serious thought into exactly what you want. What kind of relationship you’re looking for, what kind of person would be right for you and what you’re willing to do to make it work. When you have that in mind, then it’s time to start putting the effort into meeting people and seeing if their weird matches your weird.

Don’t worry about missing out or needing to make up time. That doesn’t exist. Love doesn’t exist on a deadline. Love will be waiting for you when you’re ready. Focus on yourself for now, and when the time comes… you’ll be ready to grab life by the horns and make it go where YOU want.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I‘m a 30-year old university student from Germany and I’ve found your column quite helpful. Recently it made me think about a few experiences I made back as a young adult. This has been nagging at me for a while now and I would like to have an opinion. Just a few information straight away: I had three therapists since 2006, my last 2015 and I had a lot to work through since my childhood. I talked a lot with my therapists, but this topic was always kind of glossed over, because until recently, I had a different perspective on it. I apologise for the length of the letter.

Okay, let‘s get things started. When I was fifteen, I meet somebody on a video game message board. Let‘s call her S. I had no social skills, giant mommy issues (our mother was an violent alcoholic and very abusive towards my siblings and me) and abandonment issues. Me and S got in contact through an online TTRPG to Vampire the Masquerade. That was at the end of 2004. Another side-note: S was an Asian-German, which is gonna be important for later.

S was twenty-five years old and she had a bad life story too (sexual abuse and she was diagnosed with a borderline disorder). We talked until three in the morning and I was tired, but excited at the same time, too. Finally I found somebody, that understood me, I thought. And she was very good at complimenting me, said I was intelligent and good looking. It helped, because I thought of myself as ugly. It also helped, because girls picked on me in school, one of them got even downright physically abusive. S was also good at pointing out big flaws in me. She was also funny and witty and wise, because she had worked through the stuff she had lived too. At least that‘s what she told me.

I tried to better myself, because I didn’t want to lose her and it did make me more sensitive for other peoples feelings and I started to be more accepting of people of other sexualities; she claimed to be lesbian, but sometimes also seem to be into guys too. Last time I checked, she identified as pan. I think at the beginning, she may had the best intents for me.

But from 2005-2006 the talking became more sexual, even if I didn’t recognize it at first. She made comments like that she would‘ve totally hit on me, if she hadn‘t been together with her then girlfriend. I felt kinda good with that, after getting turned down by a girl I liked. S also knew how I looked, because we had swapped pictures back and forth.

Then one evening, she was very pissed, because I didn’t recognize that she was making sexual (virtual) advances at me and really seemed to be turned on. I was astonished, because I didn’t think of her in that way, even though she was very attractive in her pictures. But aside from one sexual fantasy here and there, I would have never considered it. We had a long talk about the situation and I got curious and started writing a bit bolder and then it happened. We had cybersex. I was seventeen at that time.

The “sex” continued until 2009. If I should describe it today, it would be considered rough sex maybe, with light bondage and submissive fantasies by her, followed by written kisses and cuddle sessions (virtual of course). I guess some of it might have had a hint of rape fantasies — where she would write that she was just ‘laying still’ — but I wouldn’t have known the difference back then, because I never had a relationship before that. I just wanted her to come and make her feel good. She did say that she had rape fantasies, even through she was traumatized by abuse. At one point she suggested, that we might role play something like this, to test if I would respond to stuff like that. At the time I was afraid of turning into a rapist; I’d read too much of the wrong literature and like I said, I was very repressed and thought the worst of myself.

At first the whole sexting felt fine at first, I think, also, because S was good at writing her reponses in a very enthralling way. But over the years the descriptions of sex got darker, the more her mental health turned worse. I didn’t feel like writing some of the stuff she wanted, because I found it icky and disturbing, but I complied, because I didn’t want her to be mad at me. One evening it got especially bad, because after a very graphic session, she seemed to fall in a frenzy and let me wait for ten minutes, until she told me that she hurt herself. Those minutes where I didn’t know what happened to her, are part of the worst moments in my life. S apologized the next day and I said it was okay, but I couldn’t bring myself to masturbate for at least a month.

There were also some seducing scenarios, where I seduced her through writing, but backed off, when she said, that she really wasn’t in the mood. Knowing what I know now, I’m not surewhere the consent started and ended, because we never talked about that. We never had any discussions about what  the rules to that stuff were.

She said, that this writing was some kind of game for her and I understood that at first, at least I thought. But to be honest, I was stupid, insecure and I would have done everything for her, so she stayed around. We also had the talk about what had happened at the first cybersex-session after the fourth one, where she was more concerned, that I could think of her as a slut (her words, not mine). I I didn’t; she was my best friend and I loved her, as much as you can love somebody virtual. So we continued, while she was still together with her girlfriend, with whom she had an open relationship, but only with women, so I guess we were cheating, but we were also not friends with benefits? It was confusing.

It got even more confusing, when S’ mental health got worse. The boundaries got murkier and the game seemed to turn into something more serious. At one point, she wrote, that she loved me, even when we were just “friends.” She also said that she never sexted before, but I learned later that there were three other people — that I know of —  that she was sexting with. Granted, it started after us, because those people joined the message board later, but still. S also became very angry at one woman for not reciprocating her sexual advances. In S’ mind, that woman turned from another good friend she liked to praise, to a real bitch in one day. I only know that the other woman turned S down, because I talked with her about her conversation with S. In hindsight it reminded me of my own first  session with S, except that the other woman said no.

S got colder towards me as her illness got worse and I clingier. I needed her approval, but she couldn’t give it to me. I think at one point, I really fell in love with her, and so did two of the three other persons she was sexting with. We even had a little chatroom, where everyone hang out and I felt like an outcast, because she wasn’t spending her energy on me anymore. I wasn’t her only and not her favorite lover and that broke my heart, but also gave me the strength to break away from her. That was in 2009.

Since then I haven’t contacted her, except a little letter I wrote her 2015, when I was in a very bad place and contemplating. The letter was mostly about how I missed her and that I still thought of her, which was true. I also felt, that it was all my fault, because I left, when S needed me the most.

But now, after some time to think and learning more about sex, I don’t know anymore what to think. She was very ill, I believe that. And maybe she did like me and we leeched on each other for a while. But the older I get, the more it feels wrong, especially after reading so much more about consent. It wasn’t real sex, but it felt real enough for me and I still have a hard time falling in love or trusting another woman in a romantic way.

It‘s hard for me to imagine a romantic scenario, when I masturbate. It has to be about “just sex without feelings” and in those scenarios, it’s not me that participates, but a surrogate alter ego, that is as far away from me, as possible. The hardest I orgasm is when I imagine the sex with S, but after that I feel depressed and sad. My last relationship was with another Asian woman. This was also strictly online, including sexting. It wasn’t satisfying for me, but the important point is, that she was also into rough stuff. We broke up after she became emotionally manipulative and I was getting depressed. I think at least some of it was because this relationship reminded me of mine with S, only that I was the clingy one. It also made me think of the better sex I’d been having with S.

Now I‘m asking myself, if this can count as sexual abuse. The age of consent in Germany is at 16 (at least it was back then), so she wasn’t doing anything illegal, but now I just feel used. I know that she could be very manipulative, and I remember that I was very vulnerable, even when she let me do the first move. I often feel distrustful, I now talk with other women on OKCupid and other dating apps, and I always thought it was because of my mother and the girls that picked on me. But in this light, I don’t know what to think about S. We did only write to each other and I have never heard her voice. The pictures she showed me were from the same person, but that could’ve been of somebody she once knew.

She was my friend and I loved her and I missed her, but this doesn’t feel right anymore. And I also get quite anxious when I think were my responsibilities began. I mean, I was younger than her, but I also started some of the encounters and I respected her saying no, but she was very ill and nymphomania was part of her borderline disorder. I feel, that I just have said no and discourage the whole sex-thing and that may have worsened her condition, even if I didn’t know. When it got too weird, I should have said no. It does feel like it was all my fault.

Best wishes

Wants to be at Peace

DEAR WANTS TO BE AT PEACE: Oh man, WTBAP, I’m so sorry that this happened to you. It’s entirely understandable that you feel conflicted about all of this, because you were caught up in a deeply, deeply s

tty situation.

So hopefully I can provide a little clarity into what happened here. I think what happened is that you fell into a relationship with someone who’s deeply troubled and incredibly toxic. You were young, inexperienced and hurting and in a vulnerable place in your life. The bullying and familial abuse left you in a position where you were craving friendship and validation and didn’t know how to go about finding it; she took advantage of your situation and used all of it to manipulate you into a relationship that you didn’t have the experience to recognize as abusive and exploitative.

I want you to understand: the confusion and hurt you’re feeling is completely understandable and utterly normal. Many people who’ve been in these relationships with toxic, manipulative people come out feeling the way you do. One of the reasons why survivors of abusive relationships have a hard time leaving is because they feel like they were somehow complicit in their abuse. Many people in sexually exploitative relationships like the one you were in will often blame themselves because of times when they were the initiators of the activity; abusers will often hold this over them as “proof” that they wanted it. But the fact is that they — like you — were in a relationship that they couldn’t handle, with a partner who wielded the power dynamic against them. They weren’t in a position that they could meaningfully understand the full impact or implications of the situation. It’s not proof that you were complicit, it’s evidence that you should never have been in that relationship in the first place.

The behavior you describe from S sounds like she was suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. People who live with BPD often have issues with emotional self-regulation; they tend to have wild emotional swings and feel intense moments of both attraction and devaluation.  They can be prone to impulsive, even dangerously reckless behavior — including excessive spending, drug use, self-harm and unsafe sex — as well as deep depressions and disassociation. When on the upswing, they can be incredibly passionate and idealizing, declaring how much they love or need someone; on the downswing, they’ll go to the opposite extreme: insisting that they hate that person or how incredibly horrible they are.

One of the issues surrounding borderline personality disorder is that people tend to not understand it; it’s easy to believe that people who have BPD are just manipulative s

t-stirrers, people who cause trouble because they just like it. In reality, BPD is frequently a result of trauma; people diagnosed with BPD often have a history of abuse or trauma that’s left deep emotional scars. Their behavior is often a way of reacting to the harm caused by that trauma. This is why so much of their behavior is triggered by an incredibly deep fear of abandonment, whether real or imagined, by friends and loved ones. When they feel that someone may be about to abandon them, they’ll act out in ways to either try to keep them around or to push them away first. As a result, people living with BPD can be incredibly manipulative; they’ll go to extremes in order to maintain the feeling that they have control over their relationships. This behavior may include love-bombing, emotional manipulation, self-harm and intermittent reinforcement, where rewarding or punishing their partners seems to come almost at random. By creating these intense but sporadic moments of idealization and devaluation, they create moments of deep insecurity or fear of loss, then relieve it with periodic moments of intense affection. This pendulum swing causes intense anxiety followed by periods of euphoria when that anxiety is removed; the dopamine rush that comes from this is incredibly, powerfully addictive and it is incredibly hard to break. That same pattern of anxiety and relief is what casinos and game developers exploit in order to keep people pumping money into their games; that same fear of loss followed by slight wins is why loot-box mechanics in video games can be as damaging to people as gambling addiction.

Don’t get me wrong: none of this excuses what S did to you. You were in an incredibly abusive relationship with someone who treated you horribly. I just want you to understand why she was able to twist you up so effectively, why it was so hard to leave her and why this still haunts you. This was not your fault. None of this was your fault. You were preyed upon by someone who manipulated you and coerced you into a relationship you were in no position to handle and who exploited a psychological phenomenon that left you literally addicted to her attention. You are not alone; many, many people have gone through this, just as you have and IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. The most important part of all of this is that you got out. That’s the thing to focus on; it was bad, but it’s over. You had the strength and the courage to get away. What you’re feeling now is simply the after-effects; you’ve been through the fires of Hell and you’ve got the ashes to prove it.

You need to do three things, WTBAP. First: you need to go full nuclear on S. That means getting rid of everything, blocking her on every social network you’re on, blocking her number, her email, any means she has of contacting you. Excise her from your life like a cancer, slam the doors shut and seal them behind you. While I doubt you’ll hear from her again, simply going through the steps of cutting her out will make you feel better.

Second: go back to therapy, especially if you can find a therapist who deals with abusive relationships. You’ve been through the s

t and you need someone who can help guide you through the healing process. It’s not fun and it’ll feel uncomfortable and awkward, but it will make you better in the long run. A trained therapist can help you work through what happened to you and help you find peace and closure.

Third: you need to forgive yourself. You weren’t complicit in this. None of this was your fault. YOU WERE NOT TO BLAME. You were manipulated and abused by someone who was deeply, deeply f

ked up and you were in no position to know better. You were the victim here and NONE OF THIS WAS YOUR FAULT.

Forgive yourself for trusting someone you shouldn’t have, for caring for someone who wasn’t worthy of your affection and for not having had the experience to recognize a bad situation sooner. NONE OF THIS WAS YOUR FAULT.

You’ve been through the s

t, but you survived. You’re stronger, braver and more resilient than you know. You’re still hurting, but you will get better.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been happily married for 14 years now and we have two beautiful children. I absolutely love my wonderful bride and she earns the bulk of our income, allowing me to be a stay-at-home parent and pursue my career as a writer.

My question pertains to our sex life. Since the birth of our youngest, 6 years ago we have been less and less intimate. The few times we do have sex (about 4-6 times a month) are often lackluster and leave me unfulfilled as she is distant and more or less just allowing me to relieve myself rather than being an active participant.

Foreplay is more or less a thing of the past and it has been years since she performed oral sex at all. The whole thing feels like it is a chore to get out of the way for her.

I love her and certainly would never cheat on her or seek sexual gratification elsewhere in any form but I still crave an active sex life. We aren’t even in our 40s yet and it feels like we are already in our golden years.

I have discussed these issues with her several times but no solution has come from those conversations.

I would love to hear what you have to say in this matter.

Thank you in advance for your advice.

Frustrated House Husband

DEAR FRUSTRATED HOUSE HUSBAND: I’m going to apologize in advance, FHH, because this is the sort of question that I can’t really answer; there are so many possibilities here – none of them pleasant – that it kind of defies an easy answer… or at least an answer that’s within the reach of a loudmouth with a blog. The problem here is that, short of sitting down with you and your wife and talking with you both, it’s kind of difficult to nail down exactly what’s going on.

Now, with that being said, I can make some educated guesses. One of the things that leaps out to me isn’t the frequency (4-6 times a month averages out to 1/week, which is pretty good for a 14 year marriage with two kids) but the quality. After all, when sex with your partner has more in common with banging a Fleshlight… well, even though you’re technically getting your needs met (i.e., you’re getting off on the regular), it’s still going to feel kind of alienating and off-putting. After all, it’s not just orgasms you’re after but intimacy and feeling desired, not tolerated or put up with. And let’s be clear: you have a right to want to have sex with your wife. You have a right to want to be intimate with the person you love.Once it feels like sex with someone you love has become a chore… well, nothing good is going to follow that.

So it’s a matter of figuring out just what changed and why, so you and your wife can work together and figure out what to do about it.

The easiest and most likely answer is that your wife’s feelings about something have changed. It might be about you, it might be about sex in general, it might be about sex with you in particular. It could be that she resents being the sole breadwinner of the family – especially if (and I’m not accusing you of this) she feels like you’re not pulling your weight in other areas. Or it could be that she’s exhausted from work in general and just doesn’t feel sexy and so sex is just one. More. Damned. Thing. she has to do. It could be that she has her own version of the Madonna-Whore complex and being a mother means she just doesn’t feel sexy. She might not feel appreciated. Her libido may have changed and now you’re both just not sexually compatible anymore. She may have been asking for a different kind of sexual activity and feels like, since she’s not getting it, that there’s no point in trying any more. It could be that the attraction has faded and, while she still loves you, she’s just not interested in sex or sex with you right now.

Unfortunately, without getting to the core of the issue, I can’t really give you a solution. At the same time, however, this is one of those times when the ultimate answer is going to be less important than how you figure out what the problem is, FHH. By focusing on the sex, I suspect you’re looking at symptoms and not causes. That’s why I’d suggest that you start with talking with her again – not about the sex specifically, but about how she’s feeling. Getting deep into her emotional state and how she feels about you, your relationship, the kids and everything might be how you bank-shot the sex issue. It may also help to talk to a sex-positive couples therapist; the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a referral page for finding someone in your area who can help. Just brace yourself; it could well be that part of the reason why nothing has come from the conversations you’ve had before is because she doesn’t want to tell you what she really wants… and that may be something you don’t want to hear. I sincerely hope it doesn’t work out that way; hopefully this is going to end up being a speed-bump in what will otherwise be a long and happy relationship.

So talk it out – together and/or with a counselor – and let us know how things are going.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My biggest fear is becoming one of “those” guys. The dudebros, f

kboys, manbabies, what have you. Even though I hate everything about them and what those kind of people stand for, I feel like I’m cast from the same mold: white, male, straight, and completely lacking in intelligence and social skills. I’m a 26 year old virgin who has no business being in a relationship with anyone, but my stupid worthless sex drive doesn’t understand that. Any time a woman seems to be remotely nice to me, my stupid brain runs off completely idiotic fantasies about dates, sex and other stupid things. Women aren’t objects or prizes to be won, just because my hormones can’t stop raging doesn’t mean they should be disrespected.

What I want to know is, do you know of any way do suppress or remove the male sex drive that would be available without to much difficulty? Preferably something I can get without needing to see a doctor or specialist? Because if having these feelings means constantly being an a

hole to women, then I’m better off without it.

Hopefully Impotent.

DEAR HOPEFULLY IMPOTENT: Here’s what you need to do, HI: you need to take a very deep breath. Breathe in to the count of 5, hold it for the count of 3 then breathe out for the count of 5. Now do this again, just focusing on your breath.

The reason why I want you to do this is that I want you to simply calm down. The problem isn’t in having a sex drive or wanting to have sex, have a partner or a relationship. It’s ok to want sex. The problem with a

holes, creepers and f

kboys is how they go about trying to get it. The wanting isn’t the issue. You can have plenty of casual sex while still being a gentleman. You can be lustful but still be respectful.  It’s the behavior that makes the f

kboy and the a

hole – they’re the ones who believe they’re entitled to sex just for existing and who treat women like Kleenex, to be used and discarded.

So instead of trying to get rid of your libido, HI, take some deep calming breaths and remember: it’s fine that you want sex. Instead of treating your sex drive as the enemy, channel it. Work on developing those social skills and becoming the awesome person you know you can be. There’s a very helpful book available to teach you how to do just that. And in the meantime: educate yourself a little on one of the greatest examples of someone who can be lustful, charming and respectful at the same time: Captain Jack Harkness. Watch some Eccleston and Tennant-era Doctor Who and some Torchwood and let Captain Jack be your dating Patronus.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com