DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a virgin girl. I’m in a relationship with a boy I love very much and feel ready to take the next step and he is a virgin too. I browse a lot of stuff online (female oriented blogs mind you) and there was a topic of not having sex until marriage. Comments said that they wouldn’t ever marry someone if the sex was “bad” and that no sex until marriage was a bad idea because of this (but it’s not really applying to me). This scares me so, so much. I’m in love with this boy that I am with and DO NOT want to leave him. We just mesh so well together and he is everything I ever wanted in someone. The fact we are both virgins however really scares me now. We are compatible with our likes and stuff but since we are virgins..I can assume the sex won’t be mind blowing at first. Is “bad sex” really the death sentence for a relationship or am I overreacting?  Is there more to it that I don’t know about?

As a bonus question, I know you are neither female nor a doctor but my doctor could not do the finger test because it hurt me so bad. This scares me too that it’ll just cause more trouble sexually…

 -scaredandconfused

DEAR SCAREDANDCONFUSED: This is actually a fairly common concern – and not just among women. In fact, this has come up a few times over the course of both my column and my career.  A lot of people are worried that being “bad at sex” due to inexperience (or worse, being a virgin) will keep them from ever having a successful relationship… or from trying to initiate a relationship at all.

The problem is that you seem to be conflating sexual compatibility – what most people mean when they talk about whether the sex is “bad” or “good” –  for sexual experience. And there’s a rather decided difference between the two.

Sexual satisfaction is a critical part of a romantic relationship.s Sexual compatibility is one of the key components of keeping two people together; it’s the fear of being seen as “shallow” or “selfish” that frequently keeps two people together when the sex just isn’t working, whether it’s incompatible sexual needs, mismatched libidos or just plain old fashioned unrealistic expectations – and there doesn’t seem to be any way to fix things, including ethical non-monogamy.

Now to be fair: part of good sex is a matter of skill and practice. However, this doesn’t mean that a virgin is inherently a bad lover or is doomed to bad sex until he or she gets X number of years/partners/experience points under her belt. Nobody is born as a masterful lover, no matter what they may tell you. Everybody starts from the same place –  an absolute beginner – and moves on from there. It’s after that point that we all start to diverge.

Some people get an earlier start than others; they may hit puberty early on, they may discover masturbation at a younger age and get more familiar with how to make themselves feel good, they have their first sexual experience (which includes more than just genital-to-genital contact, thank you very much) with a partner before their peers do. Some people are just more relaxed with their bodies and their sexuality thanks to their upbringing and peer group. Some people come to sex at a later age or take longer to get comfortable with themselves. Others may not discover their sexual identity until much later in life.

All any of this means is that some people have a head start of sorts. Having sex or sexual experience earlier isn’t inherently good – in fact, the less mature (and there’s a decided difference between age and maturity) the people are, the less likely they are to grasp the full implications and responsibilities that come with sex. Coming to your sexual life later isn’t inherently bad either; being a virgin or having little experience sexually isn’t shameful nor is it a sign that there’s something wrong with you.

Sex is more than just “insert tab A into slot B, repeat as needed.” It’s also more than “I need to know X, Y and Z in order to make my lover feel good/orgasm/want to keep having sex with me.” It’s about being aware of your body, being comfortable with it and being familiar with what turns you on and what gets you off. After all, if you don’t know what you want or need, you won’t be able to ask for it.

Yes, I said “ask for it”. Good sex is also about communication. Having good sex – especially when you’re having sex for the first time you have with someone new – means being able to communicate clearly and guide him or her towards what you enjoy and how you enjoy it. Sometimes you’ll both luck into the right combo… but more often than not, you’re going to have to work together to establish the rhythm and flow. If he’s using his tongue but flicking about your clitoris like a lizard isn’t doing the trick, you want to be able to tell him what you need him to do instead. Similarly, if you’re going down on him or her but they need more friction, more suction, more tongue, less teeth, something, they need to be able to tell you as well. Don’t be afraid to (gently) let your partner know what you want them to do differently, and be sure to let him or her know (enthusiastically) what they’re doing right. The better you are able to communicate, the more you’ll both enjoy the experience.

Now, the fact that the two of you are virgins doesn’t mean that the sex is going to be bad. It will be a little awkward, maybe a little weird and uncomfortable, even possibly a bit silly… but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be wonderful either. You haven’t had actual penis-in-vagina action yet, but you don’t say what you have had… whether the two of you have gone down on each other, engaged in some mutual masturbation, frottage, anal play, what-have-you. If you haven’t progressed past making out and some hands-over-the-junk action, I would recommend that you take penetrative sex off the table for a while. Take some time – and by time I mean months – and get used to each other’s bodies. Learn the contours, learn the various tastes and textures and smells; sometimes they can be disconcerting and the last thing either of you wants is to interrupt the moment with a “woah, what is that” face because you encountered something you’re not familiar with. Get used to being naked together, rolling around together and getting off together before you dive straight into penetration. The more familiar and comfortable you are with each other, the better off you will be when you finally do move to the big moment. It won’t be some big mystery full of anxiety and tension; it’ll be the next, natural step in your relationship with your boyfriend.

Now as for your question about your gynecological exam: this’s a where I feel the need to remind folks that Dr. NerdLove is emphatically NOT a real doctor. Answering this actually required some Googling on my part because… well… the phrase “finger test” is somewhat archaic in these parts. In fact, it depends on whether we’re talking about part of a standard pelvic exam by a gynecologist or a check of one’s virginity.

(For the record, the “finger test” for virginity – that is, checking for proof of virginity by examining the presence of the hymen or vaginal laxity — and other virginity tests are actually considered violations of human rights and dignity by Amnesty International.)

So assuming that we’re talking about your standard gynecological exam: well, there could be a number of reasons for this. You may have been incredibly nervous and tense during the exam – rather understandable. You may have a narrow vaginal canal or less laxity in the vaginal muscles than average. You may have physical trauma from an accident. If this was a one-time issue and you’ve been able to insert, say, a tampon (or your fingers or a sex toy) without issue, then it could just be the stress of the moment. If this is a regular issue, then it’s decidedly something to talk to your doctor about – and again, Dr. NerdLove is emphatically not a real doctor.

But before you start hitting up Doctor Google instead, I’d focus on what your doc said at the time. If she wasn’t concerned about it, then I wouldn’t be concerned either if I were you. I’m willing to bet money that it comes down to: you’re a virgin and pelvic exams just aren’t fun under the best of circumstances.

Penetration for the first time can be somewhat uncomfortable; after all, you’re having an unfamiliar object inserted into an area where you haven’t had one before.

That having been said: it’s going to be a different sensation, not necessarily a painful one. If you still have your hymen, it MIGHT be a little painful at first… but it also might not. It’s easy to minimize your discomfort. Start with a great deal of foreplay — especially for you — to help get you relaxed and aroused and ready for penetration. You may want to use some extra lubricant to help things along — specifically a water-based lubricant like KY or Astroglide. You do NOT want petroleum jelly, saliva, butter, baby-oil or any other improvised lube; these will damage the condom – you ARE going to be using condoms –  and can cause irritation to the vaginal canal. When you do start penetration take things very slowly and gently until you feel ready to move a little faster or more vigorously.

The more the two of you communicate, focus on what feels good and take things at a pace you’re both comfortable with, the better your first time will be.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. During this time we have both been temping or unemployed. There will be months were we have a job and those have been more than the months without, but it is still stressful. In November, when it looked like my boyfriend was going to be hired full time, we asked my roommate if we could discuss him moving in. She instantly got mad and stormed off saying she’d think about it.

For background I know he irritates her, but it’s just because he’s a giant goofball and she doesn’t find him funny. He does the dishes or laundry when he’s here, he buys groceries, he watches the dog when we’re out of town. One time, when my friend who had left an abusive relationship was staying with us, I asked him to stay while my roommate and I were gone for two weeks because my friend is suicidal and I didn’t want them to be alone. (My friend was fine with this, they didn’t want to be alone either and they and my boyfriend get along great).

I am also a very anxious person and the thought of asking for something like this makes me want to puke. So this whole situation sets me on edge. When my roommate eventually got back to me, they said they wanted to wait until after the holiday’s. Over Christmas my boyfriend didn’t get the job he was temping at even though they said he would be hired when we got back from visiting my family for Xmas. He has savings of over $5,000 and it looks like I am going to be hired full time.

My roommate said no to him moving in and that wasn’t what I wanted. To be clear, I wanted a conversation where i could make my case or we could make a deal or something. She was very angry that I didn’t just take the no. I thought if I made my situation clear, then she would understand and give my boyfriend a chance, I suggested a trial month, where he has his computer so he isn’t in the public space as often, if at all. I said we could create a system where he says if he’s coming out of the bedroom to use the bathroom because she is concerned about privacy, but I think that is absurd because she has the bigger room and a private bathroom. I am willing to make any compromise she wants for just a trial month.

But she says that me continuing to ask, even though she never brings it up and I always have to initiate, is pushing her boundaries. But I’m really struggling here. Not only do I want him here because he makes my life easier and he makes me laugh, but him moving in would provide great financial relief. I would be able to stop asking my parents for money, I feel like I would be able to breathe. I’m 28 years old, I have a boyfriend of two years. Should I have to ask if my boyfriend can move in? Should I have to listen if she says no? She already limits the amount of time he’s here to weekends, when I bring him over she gets irritated.

My roommate is one of my best friends, I would, and have, done anything for her. But now I feel like that isn’t being reciprocated, like she isn’t respecting my emotional and financial needs. All I am asking for is a trial month. Am I asking for too much?

Sincerely,

Confused and Upset

DEAR CONFUSED AND UPSET: So there’s a couple answers to this: the legal answer and the “being a decent roommate and good person” answer. In the former: if your roommate’s name is on the lease, then yes: she gets a vote on whether your boyfriend moves in or not. If you’re one who’s technically on the hook for the apartment, then you could force the issue… but it’d be a deeply s

tty thing to do.

Leaving the legal issue aside though — or the risk of a COVID-19 infection from adding someone new to the mix: Yes, you need to ask before moving your boyfriend in. At the very least, it’s only polite, especially as it will directly affect your roommate as much as it will you. Yes, they can say “no” and make it stick. And yes, your bringing it up over and over again is pushing against her boundaries. 

Here’s the thing: you and your roommate are having two very different conversations, CaU. You are trying to have a negotiation about what it would take for your roommate to be ok with your boyfriend moving in with you. You’re thinking that the problem is one of convenience, privacy or other issues that could be surmounted with enough planning and compromises.

Your roommate, on the other hand, is trying to tell you that she’s already made up her mind and the answer is no.

Here’s the problem with this disconnect: you’re ignoring the cause and focusing on the symptoms. You’re looking at this as a case of “well if we could just discuss your reasons, we could work around them and get to a ‘yes’.” But that requires there being any circumstances under which you might get to a “yes”… and that doesn’t seem to exist. She isn’t giving you reasons why because the reasons don’t matter. It’s very much like when someone gives reasons why they “can’t” date somebody, and the other person treats that as the start of a negotiation, not a soft-refusal. The rejected person can’t logic or negotiate their way past the central problem: that the other person just doesn’t want to date them. The same thing applies to your friend: she just doesn’t want to live with you and your boyfriend. If she just dislikes him, his presence is like sandpaper on her nerves and nails on a chalkboard to her soul and the argument of “you’d only have to pay a third of the rent instead of half” isn’t enough… well, there really isn’t any bathroom usage rota that’s going to solve that problem.

She’s given you her answer in no uncertain terms. The problem is that you don’t want to hear it. By asking her over and over again, you’re trying to force her to change her mind, very much in the same way that constantly pushing up against somebody’s “no” in dating or sex is extremely not cool. And the roommate equivalent of “just the tip” isn’t going to make it any better.

It’s great that she’s your best friend and that you’d bend over backwards for her. But that doesn’t obligate her to live with a guy she can’t stand, even if he’s your boyfriend. And frankly: it’s pretty clear that you won’t do anything for her because you’re NOT doing the thing she has asked you to do: respect her “no”.

So you have a choice here. You can continue living with your bestie, or you can live with your boyfriend. You don’t get both. If you and your boyfriend want to live together and split the rent, then you’re either going to have to find a different apartment or a new roommate.

And under the current circumstances, that might be hard to do.

There’s no in-between here. She said no. It’s time for you to respect it and move on.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Straight cis female in her late 20s here. I don’t date a lot and sometimes crave physical intimacy, so when I do have sex a few times a year it’ll typically be with a friend I’ve noticed seems open to it (to be clear, different friends, not one specific person). Usually we’ll be drinking and hanging out and it turns into a sleepover. The past year, though, I broke this habit because I’ve lost some friendships this way — basically, they all ghost me after sleeping with me, even if we’ve been friends for years prior.

Tell me this: why are guys so weird about casual sex? As far as I can tell, it’s not that they develop feelings for me… it’s that they think I have or will develop feelings for THEM and therefore distance themselves so they don’t have to face the awkwardness of turning me down for a relationship. Problem is, I don’t want anything more from them! I just sometimes want to have a fun sexual encounter and would rather do it with a friend than a stranger, for a variety of reasons including but not limited to safety. I don’t think this is a bizarre or extraordinary concept, but I could be wrong.

It really feels like the guys I sleep with have been conditioned to assume the girl always “wants more” and it’s their job to fend her off. That in and of itself I find injurious, but it’s adding insult to injury knowing that these guys like me enough to f

k but not to date (irrespective of how I myself feel about them). Also, side note: the offense I feel about this might have something to do with a deep-seated insecurity about my weight — I take care of myself and I know I’m pretty, but I’m tall and generally large. (Think Ashley Graham but WAY less smoldering.) There’s this notion that fat girls are fine to sleep with but not be seen in public with, and I can’t help but let that tinge my thoughts sometimes.

If these friends DID develop feelings for me, I assume they’d do something about it, but none of them has ever asked me out after sleeping with me, so I come to that conclusion by process of elimination. If they weren’t weird about being friends after sex, this wouldn’t bother me, but as it stands, it just magnifies their lack of interest in me as a whole person, with both sexual and social needs. So I lose a friend and feel undesirable. Super fun.

Recently I messed up and slept with a friend of 2-3 years I had always told myself I wouldn’t sleep with. When it was clear that’s where things were headed one drunken night, I said I wanted to keep being friends even though I knew sometimes things can get awkward after intimacy–I didn’t want that to happen because I value our friendship so much. I even paused while making out (pre-sex) because I was really worried it would mess up our friendship. Ultimately we kept going because I knew acting so torn probably WAS seeming weird and anyway we had already started down that path, so even if we stopped then it probably wouldn’t have made a difference in terms of what happened between us afterward. (I didn’t voice any of that last part, just reasoned through it in my head.)

Surprise surprise, now things are markedly weird between us. He’s gone completely AWOL on our friendship–we used to see each other every couple weeks and occasionally text in between, but he hasn’t responded to any of my 2-3 texts over the past month about random, innocuous, friendly things. I also recently ran into him at an event we used to sometimes attend together with other friends. He always used to invite me if he was planning to go, but clearly isn’t doing that anymore. Essentially, I acted the same way after we had sex as before we had sex… and apparently there’s something wrong with that? I know better than to ask him why he’s being weird; guys loooove gaslighting in response to that question, as I’m sure everyone knows.

Am I crazy for having the expectation that I can maintain a friendship after sex? Is there something wrong with wanting that? My solution these days is to not sleep with friends anymore, which is fine and easy and not a problem, but I still can’t get over the baffling pattern I encountered over the past few years. It could very well be I’m in denial and either REALLY bad in bed or somehow otherwise deficient, but I’m pretty self-aware and have decent self-esteem, so I doubt this would be the case–then again, if it’s happening every time, maybe I have a giant blind spot to something really crucial.

For what it’s worth, the most recent sexual encounter (the one detailed above) was good. Not the best I’ve ever had, and I’m guessing he’d say the same, but we both got off and I, for one, had a fun time. So why would he ghost our friendship like this? Why do they all?!

Thanks,

No, She Doesn’t Want More From You

DEAR NO, SHE DOESN’T WANT MORE FROM YOU: These sorts of questions can be difficult NSDWMFY because there’re a number of possible causes for the guys ghosting you.  Yes, it could be a case of dudes who have an issue having been with a big beautiful woman and they worry about people giving them s

t if anyone found out. Or it could be that these guys feel weird and awkward about having crossed a line in your friendship and they don’t know how to discuss it with you. It could be that you aren’t sticking the dismount afterwards and something about your behavior is making them think that you want more. It could be that they worry that you’ve had a thing for them all this time and you functionally Nice Girl’d your way into their pants. Alternately, it could be that the fact that you don’t want anything afterwards weirds them out and they don’t know how to process it. Hell, treating it like nothing happened afterwards could be disconcerting to them and they decide that they’d rather ghost than actually talk about this.

Without my being on the scene like a relationship David Attenborough, it’s almost impossible for me to say.

That having been said, there’re a couple things in your letter that set my Spidey-sense tingling.

To start with, there’s the fact that alcohol is usually involved. That’s quite likely a contributing factor. While booze isn’t Jekyll and Hyde serum — it’s not going to turn someone into a different person — it can lead to people making decisions they would otherwise not make in sober circumstances. The disinhibiting effects of drinking don’t unlock secret desires so much as turn down the volume on the parts of the brain that says “hey, this is probably not a great idea.” As a result, a guy who might have reasons that he wouldn’t want to sleep with a particular person might find themselves thinking “why yes, some oral sex WOULD be nice tonight,” after a few drinks and cross a line that they would otherwise have never gone near.

This is especially true if you’re having the “no wait, I really don’t want this to mess up our friendship” in the middle of making out. If the volume on the “this is why I wouldn’t do this” was turned down AND they’re in the middle of things, it’s a lot harder to hear the part of your brain saying “yeah, maybe call it a night, chief.” A drunk hard-on has a tendency to ignore a lot of warning signs.

Plus, if they’re worried that they took advantage of you… well, I could see why guys would be freaking out about this and just vanish.

At the same time, however, your letter gives me the impression that you’re not actually talking with your friends about this — either before you have sex or afterwards. And I don’t just mean a “here’s what this would mean” conversation beforehand, but your general outlook on casual sex and FWBs. If your guy friends don’t know that you’re open to a casual hook-up, then they might be forgiven for thinking that this means far more than it actually does. This is especially true in the light of your not dating much. If all they know is that you rarely date and you two hook up, it’s understandable that they might think that you’re more invested in that in the first place. They have no idea that their qualifiers are “Well, you’re convenient, available, safe and attractive enough,” and so they may think that this is the precursor to your treating this like the start of something serious.

And frankly, as a general rule, if you can’t talk with them about sex in the abstract, you probably shouldn’t be sleeping with them in the first place.

But just as importantly,  you don’t seem to talk about things afterwards. As much as you mention the stereotype that guys will assume that a woman — especially someone they may think is attractive in a non-conventional way — will just get clingy and needy after sex, it seems like you’re starting with the assumption that guys aren’t going to be honest with you if you ask them what’s up. And while there are guys who will either not want to come clean, or may even not know why they feel weird about things, you can’t be sure that all your f

kbuddies are like that.

All things considered, I’d start with the most immediate commonality in your encounters: the booze. While it may be a social lubricant and one that might facilitate hook-ups for you, avoiding hooking up while either or both of you are buzzed would be a good start. At the very least, you’ll be sure that your guy friends are doing something they want to do, not something they might regret in the cold light of sobriety. Not all guys are necessarily going to want to f

k a friend, even if they are legitimately attracted to her. Some folks prefer to keep pretty distinct lines between friends and potential partners.

The next is that I would talk with folks about this — before and after. If they know that this is just a hook-up, that you’re good at compartmentalizing and have no problem having casual, FWB style relationships, then your seeming ease after sex might seem less disconcerting. If they’d be down for a no-strings fling in general, they’d be much more likely to be into it if they knew that’s exactly what you’re looking for. And talking about things afterwards, especially giving dudes non-judgmental space to express themselves if they’re feeling a little weird about it might ease any tension or lingering “wait, did I do something wrong” anxieties.

TL;DR: leave the booze out of it and use your words — early and often. That should help cut down on the guys who seem weirded out the morning after.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com