DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: When I was 14 or 15, one of my friends at the time told me in passing that her boyfriend had been forceful recently in their physical relationship. At the time, I didn’t fully understand what she was saying but I could tell she was upset so I tried to comfort her the best I could and we moved on from that conversation. A year later, they broke up and I gradually started becoming friends with this ex. In 12th grade, when there were whispers of what she had told me earlier, I am ashamed to say that I didn’t speak up. I remained “neutral”, a very harmful attitude to take, and in doing so I know I hurt her immensely. The other people she had told also didn’t speak up and I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been for her. He was dating someone else at that point. Their relationship also ended once school did but I never really inquired as to what went down there.

College started and I became much, much closer to him. We established a friends with benefits situation which slowly turned into a proper relationship. He was good to me. Always respectful, always a good person. I’m not saying this to negate what he did to others, but just to point out how stark the difference was between who he was with me and with them. I know that’s also typical of a lot of abusers.

Earlier this year, his second ex reached out to me. She told me that he had been emotionally manipulative and verbally abusive in their relationship. The things she told me were so terrible that I didn’t know what to say or do. We had just started dating at this point, she told me she was telling me also because she didn’t want him to do the same to me. I thanked her for telling me, and after a lot of deliberation I took the decision to distance myself from him gradually. I also spoke to my friend and apologised for my silence regarding her abuse at the time.

Very recently, his actions in the past have been brought to light on a public platform. He is obviously facing a lot of backlash from people in school for these actions and a lot of people have chosen to cut him out of their lives. From the scattered interactions I’ve had with him since his ex reached out to me, I know he’s been going to therapy more regularly. He’s also apologised to both of them, and obviously they haven’t accepted his apology nor are they under any obligation to. He has never tried to deny, justify or argue against what he’s done. He has unconditionally accepted that he has caused a lot of trauma to these people and he has told me and other people that he is fully ready to face the consequences of his actions.

I feel like I made the right decision by distancing myself for the time being but I’m still confused about what I need to do in the future. I believe that this is an experience he needs to get through on his own. If he doesn’t have people around him to prove to that he is a changed person, and yet he still changes, I truly believe that that won’t be a superficial change because it requires a lot of courage to keep on living and working on yourself when nobody else thinks you deserve anything. His friends don’t have a responsibility to make sure that he’s changed, nor do they have to hold his hand through the process.

As someone who knows him better than anyone else, I have faith that firstly, he truly wants to change and that secondly, he is taking steps to do so. None of that can ever change the hurt and trauma that he caused, nothing can at this point, but the step towards accountability and responsibility is not one that many people take in the first place. That in itself, coupled with the fact that this step is accompanied by concrete actions of therapy, possibility of enrolment in abuser programs, unconditional apologies, makes me think that though the process will be long and difficult for him, he will come out of it better.

If he does, then is it okay for me at that point to be his friend? To say that I have seen the change in you and I believe you are worth my friendship, possibly my love? Does it make me a bad person and does it serve as dismissing the trauma of the victims? Am I a bad friend for saying that I believe he will change but not being there for him?

Very Confused and Guilty

DEAR VERY CONFUSED AND GUILTY: These sort of questions are always difficult, VCaG.

On the one hand, I’m a general believer that people can change and improve. I believe that folks can f

k up, own their f

k-ups and try to make things better, and I believe that there needs to be space for folks to actually do better.

On the other hand, folks love a redemption story and abusers know this. I can’t count the number of times that abusers and monsters have made a production of “Oh look, I’ve changed!” — especially as a way of returning to the public eye. Writer and professor Hugo Schwyzer was an almost archetypal example of this, using his supposed redemption both as a way of finding future victims and as a shield against new accusers. So there’s every reason to give take declarations of “but I’m different now!” with deep suspicion and a LOT of salt.

On the other other hand (yes, I have three hands) apparently this happened in high-school. And while that doesn’t preclude someone from being an abuser or a monster — all you have to do is look at Stubenville for proof of that — but high-schoolers also tend to be hormone-soaked bundles of frenzied confusion who’re often freaking out in multiple directions at once. It’s entirely possible for people to act badly without realizing that what they’re doing is harmful or abuse. Sometimes people are so caught up in their teenaged angst bulls

t that they don’t realize the damage they’re doing to the people around them.

But the fact that they don’t know they’re doing harm, or don’t intend to, doesn’t change the fact that they still hurt people. As has been said in many places, many times: intent isn’t magic.

(And that’s before we get into issues like the high-school rumor mill, people adopting the language of social justice as a means of abusing others and all kinds of murky crap)

So my position in general is “…maybe. With many caveats.”

I would have a lot of very pointed questions that would need very convincing answers before I’d be willing to come down on one side or another. The first is very simple: does he understand what he did? Does he accept — without conditions or qualifiers —  that his behavior hurt people? And as a follow-up: does he understand why his actions hurt people?

One of the first steps to change and growth is to understand how they’ve wronged others and why other people were hurt by what they did. Understanding the pain of others is the first step to empathy.

Next: does he accept responsibility for his actions — again, without conditions or qualifiers? Does he own his behavior without trying to explain why he’s not at fault or why he shouldn’t be fully culpable? Does he understand why he did what he did?

This is another important step; taking ownership of one’s behavior is crucial. It speaks both to their mindset: are they sincere, or are they trying to get out of trouble? However, it’s also potentially tricky. “I did X because I got drunk and didn’t recognize Y” and “I did X because I got drunk” sound similar, but are incredibly different. In the former, they’re demonstrating an understanding of how one mistake (getting drunk) lead to their behavior (…and so I did X). In the latter, it comes much closer to “you can’t blame me because I was drunk and that wasn’t who I really am”.

Next: if they understand what they did wrong and why they did it, what steps are they taking to avoid doing those things again? How are they proposing to be held accountable in the future?

And finally: what have they done to try to try to make things right? This may or may not involve a direct apology to the people they’ve harmed; sometimes trying to make amends actually causes more harm to the person who’d already been harmed by their actions. And — importantly — in trying to make things right, is he doing so humbly or in a manner that demands acknowledgment? Is he making a production of how sorry he is a way that pressures his victims to forgive him? Is he performatively penitent in a way that glorifies himself to others?

Even with satisfactory answers to these questions, I’d still proceed with caution. As I said: plenty of folks can put on the show of contrition, especially if it brings them back from the wilderness. Take it slowly and pay more attention to his deeds, not his words. Those will tell you far more about who he actually is and whether he’s actually changed for the better.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My brother is very anti-feminist and I (a feminist woman) hate it. Any attempts that I give to explain feminist issues to him results in him pouting and resolving that men have more disadvantages than women and that feminism is unfairly targeting men.

For example, just today he went on a rant about how extreme feminists were going to put all men in concentration camps if they ever came into power, that everything bad that’s ever happened in the world is men’s fault, that feminism does nothing but reduce all men to nothing more than violent sex-drived beasts who can’t control themselves, and on and on he went.

When I recommended he read about feminism from actual feminists he threw a fit about how he wasn’t going to understand it because men and women can’t possibly relate to each other. When I tried to read some pieces from your website about toxic masculinity to him he got angry and went on a rant about how men are basically useless and they’re easily replaced and his rants are just nasty in general.

I tried to stress to him that while I firmly believe that there are men’s issues that deserve sufficient attention and work (such as the high suicide rate for men) that there are many more female issues that deserve just as much attention and validity (like the high rate of sexual assault and murder, wage gap, lack of representation in politics and science fields, etc). He didn’t want to hear it.

He’s slowly driving me insane and I don’t know how to convey to him the relevance of feminism without having him shut down on me. Can you help me out?

Signed,

Fed up Feminist

DEAR FED UP FEMINIST: I have a couple questions for you, FuF, and I think my first is “how old is your brother?” His behavior sounds somewhere between somebody throwing a tantrum and being an a

hole for attention rather than somebody who legitimately thinks that feminism is all that’s evil in the world. I’d be curious as to how much of this are things that he honestly believes and how much is somebody trying to be a habitual line-stepper.

I’m also kinda wishing you’d used slightly less loaded language, because if he’s a grown-ass man and throwing literal fits, then I think the problem rises beyond “he’s got s

tty opinions” and more to “are we sure he’s actually in control of his actions or that he’s not a danger to himself or others?”

But let’s assume for the moment that this is more “heated discussion” and not the manosphere equivalent of somebody getting triggered by hearing the words “Niagra Falls”. Let’s further assume that these are genuine beliefs and worries, not his trying to be a troll in real life or that he’s arguing in bad faith. How do you reach somebody who seems to be that unhinged, that irrational about women, about men, about feminism and so forth?

A lot of people will want to debate them or demolish their arguments on a point by point basis. The problem with this approach is that it doesn’t actually change people’s minds. In fact, challenging somebody’s beliefs — especially if they’re beliefs that are central to their identity, their concept of who they are as a person — is more likely to invoke what’s known as the Backfire Effect and make them double-down on what they already believe. When you’re arguing about something that’s central to who they are, what you’re functionally telling them is that you think they’re a bad person. Needless to say, the almost instinctive response to this isn’t to say “you know what, you’re right!”, it’s to get defensive and stop listening. They’re much more likely to get even more vehement about what they believe, if only out of pure stubbornness, than they are to listen to what you have to say.

And even if you did prove the illogic of their beliefs and point out over and over again how wrong they were so skillfully and so carefully that they couldn’t help but be convinced of the correctness of their arguments… then they aren’t going to thank you for it. You haven’t motivated them to be a different and better person, you’ve destroyed a part of who they thought they were. That’s going to leave them bitter and resentful about it.

Just as importantly however, is that you can’t logic someone out of something that they didn’t come to by logic in the first place. It’s pretty clear that your brother’s beliefs have little to do with logic and much more about emotion. The things he says aren’t logical, they’re emotional and they’re reinforced by people who play to his emotions, making arguments that feel convincing because they reinforce what he already believes. You’re not going to argue someone into not feeling things.

If you want to change his mind, if that’s even possible — and that’s a mighty big if — then you can’t argue him out of it. You have to persuade him, coax him and lead him to that conclusion… and let him feel like it was his idea in the first place. But to do that, first he has to be willing to listen.

The easiest way to do that is to ask him to explain things to you first… preferably in his own words. This part is actually surprisingly sneaky, an act of verbal jiu-jitsu. He’s expecting you to get your dander up and to yell and argue. But if you ask him to explain it to you, then you’re yanking the rug out from under him. Where he was expecting resistance, he gets… nothing. This throws him off balance. More importantly though, it forces him out of his usual patterns; now he has to actually think things through instead of throwing up the usual verbal flack, the traditional derailments and distractions. The odds are good that he’s never actually had to think about it in this way; he’s much more used to arguing in soundbites that he got from somebody else.

So the next time he starts one of these rants, ask “ok… so could you explain to me how that works?” “Why would feminists do this?” “What would be the point of it?” “How would this benefit them?” “Why would Mom/I/girl-he-knows-from-school want to go along with this?” Approach this from a position of benign confusion and wanting to have things clarified for you. The more he has to explain the reasoning behind it, the more he’s going to have to confront the fact that much of what he’s saying doesn’t make sense. This helps plant the seed of just how absurd it is without your having to say so.

Just as importantly though, by appearing to take him seriously enough to listen and ask him to explain, you’re setting a framework where you’re validating his humanity and intelligence. This makes it much easier to start establishing a sort of mutual agreement: “I think we can both agree that as a plan, rounding up men into camps would just be more trouble than it’s worth,” That phrase “we can both agree that…” is crucial; by framing things as “we are two reasonable, intelligent people,” you’re establishing this as a dialogue between equals — more partnership than antagonists. This makes him more open to listening and gives him the space to decide to change his mind instead of being told to.

As you listen, ask leading questions. Why would he assume that men and women can’t understand each other? You two seem to understand each other quite well. Why would he say that men are useless or disposable? Yeah, it’s awful that, say, men are more prone to suicide than women are. Why does he think that is? Wouldn’t it feel better if he didn’t have to pretend he was never hurt or scared or upset?

The more he’s willing to answer your questions, the more you’re able to lead him down the directions you want. What does he think the answer would be that would make things better? Why does it seem like the people who’re telling him all of this are more invested in his being angry instead of actually solving the problems? Why does it seem like they believe the worst stereotypes about men?

As the conversation goes on and his positions start to soften, then you can say “you know, I read something about this, you might find this interesting…” and then give him resources to check out as he chooses.

Here’s why this works better than arguing with him: by leading him down these paths, you’re validating a big part of his worldview: being a man can absolutely suck. The traditional ideas of what being a man is supposed to be are restrictive, toxic and have lead to pain, misery and suffering all around and it leads to men being used and exploited by other men. To paraphrase Laurie Penny: patriarchy doesn’t mean rule by men, it means rule by ‘Fathers’… and most men will never be allowed to be Fathers. Validating his world view makes the rest of the conversation less threatening to his identity. That makes it easier for him to decide to change his mind… he’s not changing his identity, just the facts that he believes in. By asking leading questions, you are giving him the space to come to conclusions on his own. It feels like he decided to do these things, instead of being browbeaten into agreement. That makes the new facts more compelling to him and more likely to stick.

Now I need to stress: this isn’t guaranteed to work. Nothing you say is going to make a difference if he’s just saying things to be a s

tty edgelord and provoke a reaction out of people. Nor is it going to lead him to change his mind if he’s having some sort of breakdown or he’s literally throwing fits. If he’s coming to this from a place of genuine pain or anger, you have a chance to help him.

But if he’s just being s

tty for the sake of being s

tty, then the only thing to do is refuse to engage at all. In that case, all you need is “I don’t want to hear about it and I don’t care,” and just shut the entire conversation down.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been a big fan of yours for some time and your advice has helped me through some of my dating misadventures of the last few years.

My current issue is probably not too unfamiliar for your readers. I have a big crush on someone. We were casual acquaintances in college, and about 1.25 years ago I asked her to meet up, knowing that I had some interest in her. We’ve been meeting irregularly and getting to know each other. Recently she has been saying how much she enjoys meeting with me and we’ve picked up our text conversations since the lockdown. I know I want to see those as signs she is interested in me in a romantic fashion, but I also know my mind can make any evidence favorable when properly motivated.

Adding to this is my realization thanks to your advice what one of my biggest stumbling blocks is: I’m boring. I have a very hard time being flirtatious or playful with people I like. I get very anxious about crossing boundaries. I’m not very expressive in my speech in the everyday unless I feel comfortable with someone, and being around my crush is the opposite of comfortable, even though I really like her.

Just trying to find a way to show how I feel and express my attraction and hopefully wring a relationship out of this mess.

Thanks

Tongue Tied

DEAR TONGUE TIED: At the risk of pointing out the obvious TT: you don’t really have a problem here. It sounds to me like your biggest issue is that you’re too caught up in your own head and overthinking things.

One of the mistakes people make is that they tend to assume that there’s only one way to flirt. They see flirting as a specific process, one that looks exactly like, say, George Clooney seducing Jennifer Lopez in Out of Sight or the witty banter of Nick and Nora Charles or the joking style of Will Smith or Ryan Reynolds. In reality, there are as many ways of flirting as there are people. At its core, flirting is simply communicating to somebody that you are attracted to them and like them as more than just a platonic friend. For some people, that means banter and jokes. For others, that means physical touch and connection. For still others, it’s a declaration of interest, telling someone why you like them or how enchanted you are by them.

The way you flirt is going to be as individual as you are, and finding your flirting style simply means finding the way of expressing interest that is most congruent with who you are as a person.

The problem you seem to have is that you don’t believe that your friend could actually like you… all evidence to the contrary. The fact that you met up frequently before the lockdown, that your text conversations have continued since and she’s telling you how much she enjoys seeing you? I mean… I guess she could hire a plane to fly a banner saying “ASK ME OUT, YOU FOOL” over your house if she wanted to be a little more obvious about it, but that might seem a little gauche.

The easiest way to find out if she’s interested is simply ask her out on a date. Now, considering that we’re in the era of social distancing and self-isolation, traditional dates are going to be off the table for a while. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t tell her that you like her, that you’d like to go on a date and see where things go. I recently released a workshop on dating during the COVID-19 pandemic, which you can find over on my YouTube channel. I suggest you check it out; I give a number of ideas for potential dates that you can have via Skype or FaceTime. One date idea that can be fun is to cook a meal together. Set up your laptop or your tablet in the kitchen, open a video chat and the two of you try cooking the same meal… just in your own houses. It’s a way of capturing the feel of preparing a romantic, candlelit dinner together, even if you can’t be there physically. It’s fun, it’s unique and even the potential for mistakes adds to the enjoyment as long as the two of you can laugh it off.

But none of this can happen unless you use your words. They don’t have to be flowery or silly or witty; you just have to make it clear that you like her as more than a friend and want to possibly pursue a relationship. And honestly… I think she’d be very interested in that.

Meanwhile, as a word of advice: part of how you make sure that you don’t cross someone’s boundaries without wracking yourself in anxiety: pay attention to her comfort. If she starts getting uncomfortable, apologize and dial it back. A simple apology and not making the same mistake again will keep you from being a creeper. And if you’re worried that you don’t know whether something is too far — making a flirty or slightly sexual joke, for example — then give her room to decide where the line is. If you metaphorically lean forward 40%, you give her the opportunity to either take it the rest of the way, or to leave things where they are.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Big fan of your work. Really interesting social insights on modern courtship that goes beyond fallacy-riddled generalizations the average internet user is prone to believe and spread around. 

I’m writing this hoping to get some advice from you about this person at work who I’m having a “unique” case of Oneitis on. I say “unique” because all I’m really after is a physical relationship, and not even an exclusive one at that.

Short history; I met her a few years back in a language class I was taking before I entered this new company. She didn’t really stand out then, as she was always tired from work and wasn’t really participating in that class anyway and I was pursuing someone else at the time. That didn’t work out, by the way, and I’m still single up to this day. After that I was surprised to find out we were going into the same company. 

Fast forward a few months later and I was working with her almost everyday. Tried flirting, even spent some after-work time with her and with another friend. After that she was cool enough to clarify that she wasn’t looking for a relationship. That was my first time being active compared to the old style of just hoping fate would hand me a relationship, so I had to deal with the rejection, which in retrospect was not the worst way anyone can reject someone. I got over it, did some introspection, pursued some other interests while still continuing work with her.

That’s when I realized there was little chemistry to make it work as a standard relationship in the first place anyway and I was just intensely curious on what a physical relationship with her would be like because she hits all my major ‘characteristics I’m physically attracted to’. To sum things up bluntly: she makes me really horny. I totally own my desires, even if it all just looks like fodder for the ‘the power of boners are strong’ stereotype. Of course I’m aware this could be something to consult with mental health professionals with but beside wanking off occasionally it’s not getting in the way of work or social interactions. I did stop the flirting after she told me she wasn’t interested and backed off trying to act normal work. Of course, I can’t dismiss the notion I’m only seeing her not as a person, but as someone to be sexual object and that’s just sad for everyone.

What do you think, doc? Is it worth clarifying the relationship I’m interested in or should I let this one go? How do you usually deal with these kinds of desires

Yours truly,

Jalapeño Horndog

DEAR JALAPEÑO HORNDOG: Here’s the thing, JH: if there’s not enough chemistry to make a romantic relationship work, then there’s almost certainly not enough to make a sexual one work. While asexuals and demisexuals certainly exist, it’s a safe assumption that the former is going to come bundled with the latter.

But in this case, there just wasn’t any interest there, period.

If her objection was at having a romantic relationship but she was interested in having a purely physical one with you, she would’ve given you the heads up. “I’m just not looking for a relationship” almost always comes with an unspoken “with you” appended to the end. It’s a softer way of saying that she’s not romantically or sexually attracted to you without being rude or confrontational about it.

Your being attracted to her is perfectly normal. But as I’m often saying: attraction isn’t a commandment. You can be turned on by someone and not do anything about it. You can fantasize about someone all you want, but otherwise you need to let this one go.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com