DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: About a month ago I found a cool female Twitch streamer. I really liked her content, I ended up in her Discord, we talked a lot, played a few games together, yada yada yada.

Everything was going fine but then about a week later I found out (not from her) that she had a boyfriend. Intellectually I knew that that shouldn’t bother me because it’s not like either of us had ever talked about the possibility of a romantic relationship, but emotionally I knew I was swimming dangerously close to oneitis.

I decided to go nuclear: unfollowed on Twitter, stopped going to her streams, left the Discord, etc. I was doing okay, but then two weeks later she messaged me on Discord to say hey, I miss you, hope you’re doing okay. Against my better judgment, I replied that I was doing okay and I was just dealing with some personal things that I didn’t feel comfortable talking about yet. That wasn’t really a lie but it wasn’t the entire truth either.

My question is: do you think that was the right response? Intellectually I know that telling the truth wasn’t going to lead to anything good, but I also feel bad about lying.

– Twitch is Confusing Sometimes

DEAR TWITCH IS CONFUSING SOMETIMES: I see it’s time to talk about parasocial relationships again.

I get a lot of letters from people, looking for advice on how to hook up with various “celebrities” — which ranges from honest-to-god celebrities to famous YouTubers and podcasters, cosplayers, cam girls and, yes, Twitch streamers. I’ve also dealt with a lot of people who’ve become apocalyptically upset when they found out that their favorite cosplayer or YouTuber or what-have-you is actually in a relationship with someone. For a lot of people, it’s treated like a betrayal — how dare they give me the vague hope that I might hook up with them if they ever actually knew I existed beyond tipping them on stream?

The problem is that people get invested in what’s ultimately a one-sided relationship — what’s known as a parasocial relationship. It feels real because you see them so often that you feel like you know them… but it’s not. It’s simply that you’re exposed to them so frequently that you feel like you have a connection that isn’t actually there. This is something of a quirk of human psychology; the more exposure we have to something or someone, the more we come to like it or them. And since the human brain doesn’t necessarily distinguish between the exposure of seeing someone on a screen and in person… well, people develop strong feelings about folks they’ve only ever seen on their phones, tablets or laptops.

And while this phenomena is older than cinema, the dynamics of Twitch and YouTube mean that we see far more of our favorite streamers than we do of movie stars. Similarly, the perceived intimacy of Twitch and YouTube encourages a sense of “authenticity” and vulnerability and “realism” that people respond to… even when it may well be entirely manufactured. Moreover, there are financial incentives to build that sense of connection; the more streamers and YouTubers create a sense of community — whether they’re Critters, Murderinos, NerdFighters (no relation) or other communities — the more invested the fans are and the more likely they are to support the creators. Sometimes this community includes a greater sense of access to said creators; you may never be at the table with Caduceus and Beau and Jester, but you might have access to other streamers’ Discords or private AMAs etc. that increase that sense of “I know them”.

The problem is that some folks see this relationship as being more than it actually is. That increased level of access can create a feeling that you know them better than you actually do, that you’re closer than you actually are. That can create complications. Having that perceived level of access can make it feel like there’s more there than actually exists and make people feel like you have a sense of ownership over them… or developing crushes on them. Crushes that go beyond the sort of fantasies we might hold about other, more distant celebrities. Crushes that feel like you might actually have a chance.

But you don’t. And having that fantasy shattered — say, by her having a boyfriend — can be painful.

Which brings us to your situation. I think going nuclear was an overreaction, and one that didn’t do you any favors in the long run. One of the skills we all need to develop is how to pivot off a crush or an attraction that we can’t realize, for one reason or another. Learning that attraction isn’t a command that you need to act on is a vital life skill, especially if you find yourself attracted to someone you can’t just cut off. But hey, that was your call and it was the best choice you could have made with the tools you had at the time.

What you shouldn’t do is tell her that you cut her off because you had a crush on her. Telling her about it only serves to make your emotions her responsibility… even if that’s not your intent. After all, this wasn’t something that she encouraged; she didn’t gaslight you into thinking you had a chance, she didn’t lead you on and she wasn’t maliciously hiding the fact that she has a boyfriend. Telling her “I had to go because I want to date you and I can’t” only sets up a dynamic where now she has to manage your feelings, lest she feel like she’s encouraging you somehow. That’s not fair to her in the slightest.

Telling her “hey, I had some personal stuff to deal with, it’s all good” was the best option there. That sense that you’re lying to her about it? That’s the hope that if you tell her that you’ve got a crush on her, she’ll reveal that she feels the same way. She doesn’t and that feeling is just one more way of holding onto the fantasy that you might have a chance and — bluntly — you don’t. It’s better to let this go and give yourself some space to let things go.  When things have subsided, then you can resubscribe and re-follow. But what you don’t need to do is tell her about it later. Your crush on her isn’t her business to handle, it’s yours and knowing the difference is a mark of maturity.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve found myself in a bit of a spot.

Through these trying times, I was able to connect with someone and the chemistry is definitely there. We have even talked about how we can’t wait to jump each others pants once this whole COVID thing blows over. We communicate fairly regularly and I am definitely excited, as she appears to be. However, there’s the ‘issue’ of distance, seeing as she lives like 8 hours away.

I say ‘issue’ because we kind of have agreed to meet halfway and getting there won’t really be a problem. The problem is the ‘when’. My fear is that the longer this progresses, the more likely it is that the intensity will fade and by the time it’s over, or at least safe enough to take a two hour flight for some hanky panky, well, there just won’t be as much incentive. This girl is not going to have any problem getting someone to scratch that itch and I’m wary that she may just decide, well, dick is dick and this just happens to be closer. While I can also get somebody to get me off, well, at this point, it’s clear that for me it’s more about having sex with her in particular.

So, any advice, Doc? Am I looking at this all wrong because we’re quarantined and oh-so-horny? Is there another way to approach this?

I appreciate it, Doc! Stay safe.

Horny in Quarantine

DEAR HORNY IN QUARANTINE: This is a case of “the problem you think you have isn’t the problem that you think you have”, HIQ.

Let’s start with a truth: it is difficult to have a long-distance relationship and have a perfectly monogamous one — especially when there’s no end point and few opportunities to meet in person. It’s not impossible by any stretch of the imagination, but the physical separation can make it harder to perform monogamy — already something people tend to struggle with — perfectly. People have needs for physical contact and want to be physically intimate with the person they’re dating or in a relationship with. Not having that physical connection can make things difficult, and pretending that’s not the case doesn’t make it any easier — especially when it’s a relationship where you haven’t even met in person yet.

Here’s another truth: you’re not exclusive with this person yet, nor should you be. You’re both hornt up and excited and everything is new and thrilling… but it’s also strictly online. One of the things people often forget is that emotional chemistry isn’t the same thing as physical chemistry. You can get all kinds of turned on by someone’s picture or when you’re on video chats with one another only to discover that in person you have all the sexual connection of a brick. A very unsexy brick. Keeping your expectations reasonable is going to be a core part of not over-investing in someone that you haven’t even met yet.

Here is a third truth: it’s entirely possible that she might hook up with someone before the two of you get together. After all, you’re both free agents, as it were. Neither of you are exclusive and — again — you shouldn’t be. The odds that she will are relatively low; social distancing and quarantining is still a thing after all. However, if she does, that says a lot about her and calls to question whether you should be hooking up with her. Not because of her banging someone else, but because of acceptable levels of risk. Despite states trying to reopen their economies and easing shelter-in-place rules, COVID-19 is still running rampant through the population. We still don’t have effective treatments, never mind vaccines or cures and we simply aren’t testing enough people to make it safe enough to start getting back to something approximating normal again. If she’s hooking up with someone she’s not currently quarantined with… well, that’s a level of risk that I think most people would be willing to accept right now and says a lot about her.

But all that having been said: you’re worrying about the wrong thing and you’re definitely approaching things from the wrong angle. The first is the assumption that dick is dick and that the fact that she’s attractive means that she can get laid any time she wants. This is an incredibly common and, frankly, kinda ignorant thing that guys say about women a lot. This idea about women tends to be revealing more about the men who hold it and their relationship to others than the reality of who has the power in dating. While it’s true that some, even many, women get offers of dick more frequently from men than men get offers of sex from random women… that doesn’t mean that every woman does. Nor, for that matter does it mean that the dick they’re getting offered is of desirable quality. Even people who just want to get their rocks off infinitely prefer having at least some interest in the person they’re planning on having sex with. Folks who’re content to use other people like a breathing dildo or a living Fleshlight exist… but they’re people you never want to actually have sex with.

And again: the fact that lots of people may be offering someone sex doesn’t mean that the sex on offer is sex they’d actually want to have. Saying that women are spoiled for choice is often like saying that nobody should be starving when there’s perfectly good garbage behind restaurants. As Alana Massey once said: dick is abundant and of low value.

That part you said about it being about sex with a particular partner right now? That’s true for her, too.

(And being attractive doesn’t guarantee you’re getting attention at all; Netflix’s Too Hot to Handle is a great example of how being physically attractive doesn’t mean that you’re automatically going to be getting unending offers of sex from guys around you. Poor Nicole; you’re like the third Schuyler sister…)

The fact that dick may be abundant in this woman’s life doesn’t mean that she’s going to take anyone up on their offer just because it’s there, any more than you’re going to grab a sandwich off the ground just because you’re feeling peckish. While plenty of folks, regardless of gender, have hooked up because they had an itch that needed scratching, the fact is that she’s expressing interest in you. The guy who’s eight hours away. If the only thing she was looking for was a quick lay, she wouldn’t be excited about having connected with you, spending time chatting with you or making plans for the two of you to bang like a screen door in a hurricane. Nobody invests that much time, effort or energy in someone who they see as good for a one-off, never to be seen again.

By that same token: if the only reason why she was interested in hooking up with you in however many weeks or months down the line before it’s safe to travel again is because she’s just THAT hornt up, and her banging someone else would end her attraction to you… well, then that relationship was never one that was going to make it past that first hook-up, if you even made it to that point in the first place. You’d be justified in thanking whatever gods you believe in that you dodged that bullet.

But more to the point: there comes a point where you have to either trust your connection with her or give up. It’s possible that yes, she could find a guy for a quick maintenance f

k… but that doesn’t mean that she’d lose interest in you. Like I said: she isn’t investing this kind of time and energy because you’re the only available guy in a 500 mile radius, she’s doing this because she’s interested in you, specifically. Not because you scored highest on a point system, not because you’re the last single man in the county, but because she is attracted to you, has fun talking to you and wants to climb you like a tree. Even if she did bang someone else, that doesn’t change the fact she loves talking to you and wants to see you… any more than it would if you found someone to give you a helping hand and take the edge off things.

In the meantime, the two of you should keep things exciting. Flirting and teasing is a great way to keep the spark going, even when you have to be apart from one another. Think of it like feeding fuel to a fire; you’re giving it enough to keep things going, not to let it rage out of control. Flirty texts, suggestive pictures, talking out fantasies of what you’d like to do... these are all ways of keeping a sexual charge going when you can’t be there in person. You can even let things build with video chats, whether it’s watching porn together, games like strip liars poker or having mutual masturbation sessions via Skype or Facetime. 

The key is to be creative and proactive; the more effort you both put in, the more likely you are going to be able to keep the spark going until you are able to meet in person.

There’s a non-zero chance that she could decide to not wait, or decide to date someone else, yes. But that’s true for you too. It’s also as true even if you were both in the same city and able to meet more often. You can either worry about other people, or you can focus on your connection with her. Getting prickly about whether there’re other guys in her life will kill her attraction to you far faster than the distance will.

Good luck

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 20-year-old student in an interracial relationship. In the days pre-lockdown, my girlfriend flew into NYC from Paris while I flew into Connecticut from SoFl. Because we hadn’t seen each other in three weeks, I told my father I would take the train into NYC to visit her. He said that was, “okay.”

My girlfriend advocated for LGBT rights throughout high school and college, so we went to the Gay Pride Parade with her two friends. She took a picture of her friends and I with a Rainbow Flag in the background. She posted it to Instragram, and Facebook. All was good.

Next thing I know, I received a message from my sister, “Dad is pissed you went to the Gay Pride Parade.” I shrugged it off. Despite my father’s brother being one of the thousands of homosexuals who died from AIDS, he’s a homophobe. Not wanting to fight with him on his settled ways, I ignored it.

The next day, I received a phone call from my mother (she and my father are divorced). She demanded I take the photo down from Facebook because I pushed one of my father’s buttons (there had been a little bit of tension between my father and I on something else). I told her I couldn’t ask my girlfriend and her friends to take their photos down. Although I could untag myself, I thought it would be silly to comply with such a request.

My sister picked me up from the train station when I returned to Connecticut. She told me, “Dad went off on your girlfriend yesterday. He called her a ‘slut,’ a slew of Asian racial slurs, a bad influence, and insulted her political stances. He threatened to not help you pay for school.'” This took me by surprise because my girlfriend has had dinner with him, and she spent a weekend with me at his place.

My father’s said terrible things. He’s one of those, “If black people can say the n-word, then anyone can say the n-word (except he says the word)”, “Bisexual people don’t exist” (he doesn’t know I’m bisexual), “You can’t rape your SO,” pieces of s

t. But, he’s helped pay for my living expenses (I attend a school in NYC. Apartments can be cheaper than dorms, and work won’t be enough to pay for it on my own). Given that, I’ve put up with his s

tty comments. This crosses line several times over. Even if this is resolved, I would be very uncomfortable with my father seeing my girlfriend again, or my girlfriend’s parents (who are wonderful) meeting my father.

Should I tell my girlfriend about this? If I should (and I’m inclined to think I should), how should I do it? Even though she’s one of the most kind and intelligent people I know, she was extremely nervous before she met my father. When she spent the weekend at his house with me, she was nervous. She wants him to like her.

Thanks,

A Conflicted Boyfriend

DEAR A CONFLICTED BOYFRIEND: The problem isn’t what to tell your girlfriend, it’s how to manage your father.

You’re stuck in a s

tty position, Conflicted. It’d be one thing if he weren’t a dominant presence in your life; you could treat his bigoted piece-of-s

t dinosaur ass like an embarrassing inconvenience that crops up on occasion. Unfortunately, you’re forced to put up with him for now because he’s got you by the financial balls and the leverage this gives him over your life is going to put some serious strain on your relationship with your girlfriend. This is especially true if he’s going to use his financial hold over you to bludgeon you into toeing his line. As a result, you’re stuck in a situation where you basically have the s

tty option on one side and maybe less s

tty option on the other.

There’re really aren’t any easy answers. If you tell your girlfriend about the things your Dad has said, she’s probably going to be incredibly hurt. On the other hand, if you don’t, the odds of his doing or saying something horrible in front of her (or her family) or worse, to her are likely going to go up exponentially. There’s nothing to stress out a relationship when you feel like you’re constantly having to defuse bombs every goddamn day.

So what do you do about all of this?

Well… unfortunately in this situation, just about the only thing you can do is try to thread the needle as best you can. There’s going to be a natural conflict in the desire to confront him, to try to educate him, to try to avoid things entirely or to just grit your teeth and hope you can get out of the interaction without his saying something horrific. There’re going to be consequences to any of these actions, which will inform just what you might be willing to do. And frankly, a lot of it depends on whether your father is the sort of person who’s full of bluster and hot air or if he really would try to use your financial dependence on him to control you.

The first thing I’d suggest is that you give your girlfriend and her parents an edited picture about your father. You don’t need to tell her about the things he said about her – there are things that our partners have a right to NOT know, especially when knowing is going to hurt her needlessly – but you should tell her that your father is bigoted as hell. The more she understands what he’s like, the less of an incredible surprise it will be if and when he does blow up at her. It will also help her understand why you don’t want to bring her to events where he’s involved; the last thing you want to do is to paint a target on her forehead. The odds that he’ll like her are low; the odds that he’ll say something that’ll hurt her are very goddamn high. 

Next: you’re going to want to take a two-pronged strategy of saving up as much money as you possibly can in order to remove his leverage over you, while also trying to keep the peace… for now. It absolutely sucks to have to knuckle under to somebody who’s acting like a bigoted s

t-head, but if he is likely to make good with his threats, then the only real option is to go along to get along until you can make your escape. That might entail cutting your expenses to the bone. It might mean having to dial back on courses while you take on work to start saving up enough that you won’t have to rely on him. You might look into getting roommates to make living on your own more affordable. Or it might mean biting your tongue, keeping your head down and white-knuckling it until you can get your degree and get the hell out… while also keeping your girlfriend and her family at a distance from him.

It can feel like you’re selling out your soul for the cost of your education. At the same time however, this may be the price you have to pay to get your degree and not be dragged under financially by impossible student loan debts. Like I said: it’s a s

tty option and the other options are just different degrees of s

tty.

In the meantime, you can take steps to keep your sanity and minimize his ability to directly affect your life. The first is to lock down your social media accounts. Now, if you block him or unfriend him, he may well notice and this could end up making things worse. Therefore, you need to get very familiar with Facebook’s privacy settings. The current set-up gives you options that allow you to control who can see what you post with a fine level of granularity. Use them. Set up a filter that includes everybody but your father and set it so that he doesn’t see anything. No shared posts, no comments from mutual friends, no tagged photos, nothing. This is where you will want to spend the majority of your activity, especially if it’s things that’ll set your father off. If you have friends or family members who may provide that information – telling him that you checked in to an LGBTQ advocacy meeting, f’rex – then they need to get filtered as well; it doesn’t do you any good to lock him out if other people are just going to give your secrets away anyway. You’re going to have to be very on top of any changes to those privacy settings. Facebook has a tendency to change them without warning, and that can leave you unexpectedly vulnerable.

If you absolutely need to, you can also consider setting up a new Facebook profile entirely and migrating as many friends over to that one, while keeping your old one as a dummy to pacify your father.

Next: consider doubling down on your education. His hold on you is contingent on paying for school; getting done as quickly as possible cuts one of the ways he has of controlling you. If you can manage some summer courses and a higher course-load, you’ll be out of his reach that much quicker. You should also look into other possible sources of funding for school. You may be able to apply for scholarships or aid programs that will make it easier for you to afford your classes – hopefully without saddling you with mountains of debt after you graduate. The more you can minimize the power he has in your life, the less of an obstacle he’ll be.

Once you’ve got your degree and you’re out from under his thumb… well, that’s up to you. At that point, as long as he doesn’t have that financial hold over you, you are the one who has the leverage. You can use the threat of your presence (or lack thereof) in his life as the stick to make him shape up his act; if he’s going to be a bigot, he can do so without you being there. Leave him with a copy of “White Fragility” by Robin DiAngelo and tell him that if he wants to be part of your life, then he needs to f

king evolve already.

It’s an incredibly s

tty situation, Conflicted and you have my sympathies. I hope you can get through this with your sanity and relationship intact.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com