DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: For some reason, I can’t help but compare my relationship with others around me. Today, my girlfriend pointed out that one of her friends was celebrated his 6 month anniversary with his new girlfriend and for the occasion, he bought her a diamond necklace. Nice, right? As soon as she told me this, my brain started piling on the normal sort of guilt I get.

My girlfriend of 9 months, for the most part, is pretty easygoing and for some reason doesn’t expect much from me. She’s told me several times that she’s perfectly happy just being together and doesn’t need all the fancy things all the other guys do for and get their girlfriends. However, when I see what all the other guys do, I can’t help but feel inadequate.

I’m a man of very little means. My job pays barely anything. It’s just enough to pay the bills but it doesn’t leave me much money for anything else. Most days, I can barely afford to go out for a sandwich with my girl. I constantly wish I could do more; bring her flowers, buy her nice things but I just can’t afford to do all those romantic gestures. Occasionally, my girlfriend will make the comment along the lines of “it would be nice if you could do those things” but then immediately back-pedal and say that what I’m doing is enough. But I don’t feel like I’m doing enough.

How do I get out of this mindset, Doc? I want to be able to just enjoy my relationship without getting depressed every time I see a couple doing more. 

Broke As A Joke

DEAR BROKE AS A JOKE: Someone forgot to tell me that life has officially started imitating The Simpsons.

Remember the episode where the other husbands in Springfield started getting jealous and feeling inadequate because Apu kept giving his wife all of these increasingly over-the-top gifts?

That’s more or less where your head’s at right now, BOAJ. You’re letting other people’s relationships dictate terms to you, rather than treating your relationship with your partner as its own thing. You are not those other guys, your girlfriend isn’t those other women and trying to follow their playbook is a great way to make yourself miserable because, hey, you’re not them. You don’t have their lives, you don’t have their experiences and your relationship isn’t going to be the same as theirs.

There’s a reason for the old phrase “comparison is the thief of joy,” after all.

You know you don’t have much money. You’re dating someone who knows you don’t have much money and has told you over and over again that she understands and accepts what you can and can’t afford and is, in fact, quite happy with you. So why the hell are you insisting on making yourself miserable by refusing to take “yes” for an answer?

So far, it seems the only person who’s having a problem with your income level is… well, you. Unless your girlfriend is particularly passive-aggressive, she’s not trying to hint that she wants you to drown her in diamonds and provide her with the lifestyle to which she intends to become accustomed. The fact that one of her friends bought his girlfriend a diamond necklace for their six month anniversary is notable because maybe it’s a little over the top, no? This isn’t her dropping bombs on your ego. She’s just sharing something wacky that her friend did, and isn’t that kinda nuts when you’ve only been dating for half a year? Takes all kinds, I guess.

So she mentioned that it’d be nice if you could buy her flowers or take her out to dinner. And y’know what? It would be nice! I mean, personally, it’d be very nice if someone were to gift me a restored, cherry red, ’65 Mustang convertible. But the fact that I’d love to have one doesn’t mean that I’m expecting someone to give me one, or that I’m going to be upset when they don’t.

The same principle applies to your girlfriend. I imagine she’d be thrilled if you bought her a pair of earrings or a bouquet of flowers or hired a sky writer to emblazon her name across the sky… because who wouldn’t be? But – as she is quick to tell you – she’s not asking for that and she’s happy with you. If she’s not dropping little hints like this every couple of days, then maybe you should just assume that yeah, she’d like it if things were different, but they’re not and she’s still with you anyway.

Be honest with yourself:  do you really think that she went into this relationship under the assumption that you were going to suddenly come into riches beyond dreams of avarice? Or do you think she came in with her eyes wide open, understanding that the economy sucks, unemployment is through the roof, everybody’s struggling under mountains of debt and you’re doing the best you can with what you have right now? It’s not like you don’t have ambition, or that you’re blowing your money on weed, lottery tickets and video games, right?

Here’s a hint: she’s been with you for nine months. That’s a pretty good clue that she knows and accepts you for who you are and what you have to offer. If she wanted diamonds and showers of rose petals and hot and cold running Veuve Clicquot she would’ve moved on by now.

You need to do two things.

First of all: disconnect the idea that the impact of romance or special gestures is connected to a price tag. A woman who cares about you – and, critically, understands that you’re broke – isn’t going to require expensive gestures from you. You can still show her how much you care and how romantic you are on the cheap. You obviously have the Internet so use it to your advantage! You can plan awesome, romantic dates around free events in your area; use Yelp, Reddit, Atlas Obscura, even Facebook to find free concerts, performances, events. Make a picnic lunch – even if it’s just bread and cheese – go to the park and lay back in the soft grass and watch the clouds float by while holding her hand. Buy a single flower, even if it’s just a daisy, and give it to her just because. Do some searching for coupons and sales and you can even do something heartfelt and memorable; It doesn’t have to be expensive; you could use one of the many services on line to print a photobook of her favorite photos of the two of you together, for example.

If you want to splurge a bit on something fancy, start saving up now. Cut your expenses where you can and put the money aside and just keep contributing to the “do something awesome for my girlfriend” fund out of every paycheck.

Second: quit looking at other people as the yardstick for your relationship. You don’t want to define your success by somebody else’s efforts. Your relationship is unique, a singular experience that can only exist between you and your partner. Trying to measure your relationship’s success by what somebody ELSE does is just a way of making yourself miserable, because there will ALWAYS be someone else making a bigger spectacle out there.

But spectacle and giant gestures don’t equate to feelings behind them or the long-term success of the relationship. Sometimes the most romantic and enduring thing you can do for someone comes down to the simplest words or gestures and the meaning behind them, not how much you’ve spent on gewgaws and trinkets.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I feel as though there is something wrong with me. At the time of writing, I am twenty years old, and I can say with honesty that I’ve never truly been in love.

That isn’t to say that I’ve never been physically attracted to a girl; there have been several that I liked. But I’ve always recognized it as fleeting lust/infatuation and for this reason (along with my lack of self-confidence, surprise surprise) I have never attempted to act on it or even openly state my feelings. In retrospect, this was a good thing; spared me the embarrassment and the sort of relationship I wanted would be unlikely. (This was high school, mind you)

As it stands, I’ve never been interested in casual sex; I don’t want sex without a relationship. (Is this an unreasonable expectation?) The problem with this is that I have never met a girl that I can truly say “yes, I’d like to spend my days with you”. I’m concerned that my (non-physical) standards may be a bit too high.

As it stands, I’m obviously not in a relationship at this time, and I know for a fact that I’m not ready. There are a few things that I would like to improve about myself before I really put myself out there. But I want to try to figure this out before that day comes. What is so wrong with me that I’ve never felt this way about someone?

Young Heart, Old Soul

DEAR YOUNG HEART, OLD SOUL: Dude, you’re 20. Chill out. There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re just inexperienced. It’s like complaining that you’ve never learned how to swim when you’ve never so much as dipped your toe in the water. 

Most people don’t wait to fall in love with somebody before they start dating them; they find somebody they’re attracted to and go on dates to get to know them better; love comes as part of the whole process, not as what starts it in the first place. Love at first sight isn’t love, it’s limerence; you don’t know anything about that person, just what you think you know.

Look, straight talk, my dude: if you feel like you’re not ready to date, then take the time to improve the stuff you want to improve. You aren’t on a deadline. There’s no time limit; you aren’t going to reach a point where you’ve missed your chance to date and now you’re stuck. You’ve got all the time you need to get comfortable and feel ready.

Just don’t let it become an excuse as to why you’re not putting yourself out there. It’s easy to keep saying “I’m not ready yet, I’ve got to do more,” when what you’re really saying is “Dating scares the p

s out of me.” If you’re gonna want to date, then eventually, you’re gonna have to take that first step.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a female artist trying to date a math genius. Of course genius is relative in nerd terms, but this guy just recently landed a job at my university teaching both mathematics and engineering. He’s a little out of my league, but we connect sharing ideas about art theory, perception, and science. However I think I’ve made a mistake. I just need to know if I’ve completely blown my chances or if I just need to wait it out.

We’ve been talking on and off for about a month or so. He seems really busy, so I’ve been the one texting more. The only problem: he never asks me out. We could text for days about food, but he’ll never get the hint that maybe we should go eat. We’ve hung out a couple times, but otherwise it’s just texting. So I drew the line. I couldn’t tell if he’s shy or busy or just careless. He seemed like a sincere guy, but I don’t really know him. I told him it was over, that if he doesn’t have time for me and cannot communicate that he can just keep his geometry. He didn’t respond.

Now though, I really miss him. A part of me doesn’t care if he’s out there in Mathland, spaced out on variables and solutions, because he changed my perspective on the world around me.

Is it too late to say I’m sorry? Or should I just realize that the program is unresponsive and force quit?

Missing His Beautiful Mind

DEAR MISSING HIS BEAUTIFUL MIND: Um, Missing? Here’s a random question but… did you ever ask him out? Because he may well have been clueless and just not picking up what you were putting down. Or your hints were so subtle that most people would never have picked up on them. Regardless: if you want to go on a date with him – instead of just “hanging out”, then there’s really no reason why you couldn’t take the initiative and ask him instead of waiting for him to catch a clue.

Beyond that: he may well have been picking up all of your hints that you wanted more and just wasn’t into you that way. He liked your company and talking with you but quite possibly wasn’t attracted to you romantically or sexually and didn’t necessarily want to make a big deal out of telling you “thanks but no thanks” for fear of risking the friendship. So he may have been deliberately missing your hints and hoping that you would take the hint and stop asking him out.

I’m not surprised that he didn’t respond; if you hadn’t actually been on any dates and were just hanging out a couple of times, blowing up at him like you did is going to seem kinda random and out of the blue. But since he didn’t protest or say “what’re you talking about?” then odds are… well, he wasn’t that into you in the first place. You can try apologizing, but to be perfectly honest, I don’t think you’re ever going to actually end up in an actual relationship with this dude.

Better to just accept it and move on.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader, first time writer. I got a situation that I hope you can give me some advice on. I’m in college and was interested in this girl who was more or less an acquaintance earlier in the year. I was quite infatuated with her and I asked her out, but she didn’t really seem interested and declined. She then started a relationship with someone else sometime after that. But recently, it seems like she’s broken up. And it might be just me, but she’s been doing things like waving me down on campus when we see each other, going out of her way to chat, and always asking me what I’m up to. I don’t know if I’m reading tea leaves.

The main thing is that I’m conflicted about what I should/can take things from here (even if I’m just completely misreading the situation). 

There’s a voice in my head that says I should keep some self-respect and move-on. After all, she had her chance right? But another part of me wonders if I should let my ego/pride get in the way of a potential relationship. I mean, people can change their minds. I don’t really know what to do. And I admit, there’s that whisper in the back of my head that says I’ll never find anyone like her again. I don’t really know what best to do.

Please advise. Thanks!

Kind of Conflicted

DEAR KIND OF CONFLICTED:KoC, you’re missing a third option: she’s trying to be your friend. Just because she turned you down when you asked her out doesn’t mean that she doesn’t think you’re a nifty person and fun to talk to. There’s always the chance that she’s trying to reconnect with you because she likes you platonically and wants to hang out. And frankly, if you can avoid trying to use a friendship with her as a way to backdoor yourself into a relationship, there’s no reason why the two of you couldn’t be awesome friends and have a great time together. Not every woman in your life has to be somebody you’re trying to bang, y’know?

In this case however, you’re struggling with a bit of incipient Oneitis, which is part of why you’re hoping that she’s trying to let you know it’s cool to hit on her now. The best thing to do would be simple: take it slow and be friendly. See where it’s going. You can test the waters by flirting a little and seeing how she responds; if she does… cool, perhaps she’s starting to realize maybe she is interested in you. If not… well, you’ve got another friend and more friends are always cool to have.

And by the way: the appropriate response to someone turning you down isn’t to yell  “YOU’RE DEAD TO ME!” and never having anything else to do with her again. Just because someone didn’t want to date you doesn’t mean that you have to avoid them or not talk to them any more. In fact… it’s kinda weird and off-putting when folks act like that. It tells them that either you can’t handle  rejection – in which case, it’s a good thing to find that out now – or that you only liked them as a potential partner, which is a sign the relationship wouldn’t have worked anyway. People do change their minds, circumstances change and attraction can grow where it didn’t exist before.

In fact, being cool about somebody turning you down and being able to continue being an awesome guy even in the face of rejection is much more likely to change somebody’s mind over time.

However, you can’t count on that. If you’re into her, the best thing to do would be to actually ask her out on a date. Whether she says yes or no, you’ll have your answer, and you’ll be ready to move on to the next step… whatever that maybe.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First off, I wanted to thank you for your work–it has really been the first time that I’ve found realistic and opinionated articles for guys (especially those like me who are missing maybe just one or two aspects that would really help them step up their game).

Anyways, my question: I want to start out that I’m going into college next year, and am really looking forward to it as a positive transition for my life — less parents, more opportunities to become the man I want to become–however while I’m still in High School, I have the same ambition. I want to be the guy who can show up at a girls house and take her to IHOP at midnight (I have dozens of dates just planned out, waiting for that girl), but I feel limited based on where I am. I know that I’m susceptible to that routine wrap-up — get up, talk with people, get through school, go home, do homework, TV, sleep, repeat. But I hate it. But its what my family seems to want out of me. 

So really, I know I attract girls. I know that there are those who want me, and who I want, and that there is nothing I would rather do more than test out the dates I’ve been wanting to take girls on, but I just can’t seem to pull the trigger. It’s truly a case of lack of trying. Sometimes, I get so close to making that move, and then just let it pass. Of course I hate myself for it, but somewhere, it seems like something is holding me back. But I don’t want to having anything holding me back. I want to be ‘that guy’ who can completely throw caution to the wind and do things, but whenever I try to legitimately change that, I just fall back into my routine with the idea that “college will be better.” 

Part of me says I’m just getting off the boat from the train-wreck called Middle School (you know, glasses, pimples, complete lack of pectoral muscle) and am still playing catchup, but the other part says that that excuse is timeworn and complete BS. So my question is, how can I get out of the rut before college? I have dated before, and I know I can do it well, but what is holding me back from it NOW?

Its not that I want to bring a girlfriend to college or anything, but I’d love to have the experience with my last 6 months of being a high school student — maybe a summer romance, or anything, just so I can affirm to myself that the best has yet to come (damn I wish I could sing like Sinatra) but also to tell myself for now I’m doing okay, and that I am working toward that precipice of knowing what I was doing at all times. Any thoughts?

Little Big Man On Campus

DEAR LITTLE BIG MAN ON CAMPUS: I’m glad you’re emailing me now, BLMOC, because you’re kind of setting yourself up for some serious disappointments down the road. Granted, they’re the ones that you’ll look back on in your 30s and shake your head and wonder “what the F

K was I thinking?” but between now and then is going to be some seriously rocky roads, heart break, self doubt and depression. Because you see, right now you’ve got Fantasy You in your head. Fantasy You is the hero of every romantic comedy. Fantasy You is the unholy spawn of Ryan Gosling and John Cusack, suave in that Rat Pack kind of way but also a bit adorkable. Fantasy You is the one who goes off and has the sorts of romantic adventures that are usually reserved for car commercials, where you, your bros and your girl just go careening down the road in your convertible with nothing to do and adventure waiting for you just around the corner.  And while Fantasy You is great, Reality is waiting around the corner with the Spiked Bat of Life, waiting to pull a Shane Stant on Fantasy You’s knees.

There are a couple things you need to consider here. First: it sounds like your fantasy – being the guy who throws caution to the wind, shows up at a woman’s house for a midnight pancake run – isn’t who you actually are. I mean, let’s be honest here: how often are you taking off with your male friends on crazy adventures just because one of you got a wild hair up his ass and decided that by God there was a Krispy Kreme SOMEWHERE in this city with piping hot donuts rolling out of the oven at 4 AM and you were going to find it? Because if that’s not what you’re doing already… well, it’s already pretty far out of your comfort zone.

(Incidentally, I’ve actually done that. In my defense, I was in my mid 20s, trying to finish up my computer animation final project, and I was also high as balls.)

Also: dude, we have a word for guys who show up at women’s houses at midnight trying to get them to go out on a date and that word is “creepy”. S

t’s cute in the movies, not so much in real life.

Your dating issues – including Fantasy You and all your pre-planned Fantasy Dates – all stem from the same place: you’re not comfortable with who you are. This is pretty obvious from the way you talk about middle school. You were this stereotypical nerd and now you want to put it all behind you and pretend that it never happened and you’re now Dirk Chestmeat, coolest of the cool. Except I suspect that you want yourself to be further along than you actually are. It happens to all of us: we want to be better – especially with women – and we want it to have happened yesterday. This is why you want those high-school romance fantasies: because if you get to experience it now, it’s confirmation that you’ve left your old life behind and you’re 100% New You.

And in fairness: change is hard. Your old life has carved a deep groove in your brain. You’re basically trying to break old habits and form new ones and those take a long time; most experts estimate it takes about six weeks of constant practice to build a new habit. And you can’t rush that process along, no matter how much you really want it. And when it’s something that is 180 degrees away from who you currently are… well, good luck with that. You’re trying to tackle something huge and you’re trying to do it nownownow and that’s a recipe for heartache and frustration.

So here’s my prescription for you: quit worrying about romance. Let Fantasy You and your fantasy dates get put on the backburner. Trying to push yourself to get your ideal romantic experience before a deadline is just going to make you insane; wanting it as proof that you’re no longer a loser is even more insane… and unfair to the women you’d be dating besides. It’s just another form of external validation and one that’s unhealthy for you. What you should be doing is focusing on having an awesome life. You’re at an ideal time to experiment with your life and your identity, finding out more about who you really are and what you’re actually into. This is a time to try new things, especially things that you’ve always been curious about but never thought you could manage. Take a martial arts class. Find a gym that teaches parkour. Volunteer at a politician’s election campaign. Join a code gym or a maker-space and learn how to build cool s

t. Spend less time wishing you were somebody else and more time doing new things. Those new experiences will unlock new ways of seeing the world and new sides of yourself that you never believed existed… and those accomplishments will give you more of the self-worth that will make it easier for you to pull the trigger and ask someone out.

Will they make you into Fantasy You? Maybe. Maybe not. But as you find out more about yourself, you’ll come to realize that Fantasy You isn’t necessarily who you wanted to be anyway.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com