DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a man in my 30s with next to none sexual experience. There are various reasons for my lack of experience, but I think the main reason is that I’m far too picky, when you consider my own attractiveness. The lack of sex in my life has bothered me quite frequently, and the only reason I haven’t visited a sex worker yet is that I’m morbidly afraid of STDs. Herpes, to be more precise. I understand that most people will contract HSV-1 during their lifetime, and HSV-2 too is quite widespread. I also understand that most infections are asymptomatic and when they aren’t, the symptoms are mostly manageable. Still, because of my kissless and sexless life, I have been able to count myself among, for lack of a better word, the clean ones (not trying to shame of stigmatise, you can probably tell that English isn’t my first language), and this has been a great source of joy in my life. Now I’m afraid that I have thrown it away for nothing.

I recently met a woman in a bar (unlike much of the world we aren’t under lockdown) that for some reason seemed to be quite infatuated with me. At some point she asked if I would like to have sex with her and I thought why not, she was good company and attractive enough. Or so I thought, since it turned out that I wasn’t nearly as aroused by her that I thought I would be. I couldn’t maintain an erection and all our attempts to have intercourse more or less failed. I ended up fingering her and although she seemed to enjoy herself, I felt a little bad for wasting her time.

I would be more than able to laugh the whole incident off, if it wasn’t for the health aspect. I don’t claim to be the greatest judge of character, but she seemed like someone who would have a rather active sex life. I’m not judging, that just would make her more likely to carry the viruses I dread. I think it’s needless to say that I wore a condom and I was under the impression that the risk of catching herpes during dormant periods is somewhat low. I haven’t had any symptoms yet, but I’m not sure if it makes me feel any better. Asymptomatic herpes isn’t usually tested here, so I pretty much have no way of knowing if I’m as healthy as I used to be. And this makes me feel awfully dirty. Not to mention, now I have started to see crabs everywhere.

I see little reason why I would be having sex on a regular basis from now on. I have a extremely high sex drive, but it also seems like I see sex as something inherently disgusting. I think I would need a perfect partner to get over the dirtiness of the act. Now I feel like I have traded the only pro of having no sex life for the worst con of having one. Because of a momentary lapse of judgment I went from somebody who had zero partners to somebody who has fifty, and only thing I have to show for it is an experience I could have lived without. I used to think that I had a rather relaxed attitude towards sex, but it seems I’m not nearly as open minded as I thought I was. I’m not sure how much better I would feel if I had enjoyed the experience, but I’m sure I would feel far better if I had shared it with somebody I would perceive more chaste, and this bothers me somewhat.

Any any advice how to cope with this all would be appreciated

Not Trying To Be Dramatic But Did I Ruin My Life For Nothing

DEAR NOT TRYING TO BE DRAMATIC: First and foremost, NTBD: I think you should talk to a therapist. That level of obsession and those intrusive thoughts sound an awful lot like a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder. That’s something that’s best addressed by a psychologist, who can help provide answers and courses of treatment that can help get those thoughts and fears under control.

But whether it IS a form of OCD or not… hoo boy.

So let’s cut right to the chase. First of all: the odds that you caught herpes from this person are pretty minimal. Second of all: your problem isn’t that you “ruined your life”, it’s that you’re obsessing about herpes to the point that you’re giving yourself a breakdown.

Regardless of whether you’re suffering from an emotional disorder or not, you’ve assigned a moral judgment to sex and sexuality and that being “the clean ones” is somehow a mark of your superiority. Except… it’s not. A viral infection is inherently outside of morality; it doesn’t mean anything except that you’d been exposed to the virus. Not having HSV-1 or HSV-2 doesn’t make you any better or worse than someone who does have it. It just means, quite literally, that you haven’t come in contact with the virus. Period.

The same is true for whether or not somebody’s a virgin or whether they’ve had sex: all it means is that somebody has had a particular experience. The number of partners they’ve had is equally, ultimately irrelevant as to whether they’re a good person or bad person. There’re folks who could qualify for sainthood who’ve had dozens or even hundreds of partners. There’re mass-murderers who have never touched another person’s genitals in any way, shape or form. Assigning value to someone based on serostatus is, ultimately, a bulls--t idea… especially when we’re talking about an infection like HSV-1 or HSV-2. Between the percentage of the population who’ve been exposed to either virus, the fact that most people who have herpes are entirely unaware of it and the fact that herpes is just a skin condition, treating having herpes like a world-shattering event is frankly, stigmatizing horsef--kery.

And let’s be real here, that’s what you’ve done. You’ve elevated the idea of having a cold sore to a “life-ruining event” based on what’s ultimately a moralistic value. While I realize English isn’t your first language, the way you describe things and the words you choose are incredibly telling. “One of the clean ones”. “Dirty”, “perfect partner”… That’s all pretty f--ked up, dude, especially considering the number of people in your life — including your parents, your friends and co-workers — who very well may have the virus and not know it.

And here’s the thing: you should honestly know better. It’s pretty clear that you’ve done your research about herpes as an STI. But it doesn’t seem clear to me that the truth of the matter has actually sunk in: that herpes is ultimately an inconvenience. An outbreak can be painful and annoying. A cold sore isn’t going to be all that aesthetically pleasing to look at. But the worst case scenario for having herpes is… more frequent breakouts. That’s it. Painful, unsightly, and it means a brief period of abstinence, but those are fairly minor in the scheme of things.

Your attitude, however, is the problem. The way that you’re treating both the possibility of having herpes or the possibility that someone else does, actually increases the odds of being exposed to the virus. Because the stigma surrounding herpes is so high — vastly outweighing the actual effects of having the infection — people are less likely to get tested, less likely to get treatment and less likely to disclose to potential partners. If people don’t get tested, they have no way of knowing if they’re carrying the virus or not. If they don’t know, they can’t get treatment, which not only lessens the frequency and severity of outbreaks, but also decreases the chances of transmission. And by creating an atmosphere where people are less likely to disclose that they have herpes, then they and their partners are less likely to take precautions that would help prevent the spread of the disease. That, in turn, increases the knock-on effects of having been exposed to HSV-1 or 2. I’ve seen couples go through hell because one of them had an outbreak, leading them to be absolutely convinced that their partner must have cheated. In reality: one of them had been exposed in a previous relationship, and simply had no idea that they had it at all. But all that heartache and trauma they went through came about because we treat it as “something that ruins your life forever.”

And, I mean, let’s look at your reaction here. First, you’re making all kinds of assumptions about your partner based on… well, nothing at all, other than you and she went to bed together. Maybe she has had an active sex life. Or maybe you’re the third or fourth person she’s ever slept with. You have no idea; you’re basing all of this on hypotheticals and things that you’ve conjured up out of thin air. That goes hand-in-hand with the whole “I’ve gone from someone who’s had zero partners to someone who’s had 50.”  No you didn’t, dude. That whole “you’re sleeping with everyone they ever slept with” is sex-shame-y horse-s--t that got spread around at the height of the AIDS crisis and is mostly used to justify abstinence-only education. Not only is it not actual risk-assessment, it’s not even accurate. If someone were going around banging everyone who said “yeah sure why not” and not using a condom, EVER… sure, we can say that he’s slept with everyone that his partners have ever slept with. But someone who’s getting tested regularly so they know to get treated if they do pick up an infection and making sure to use condoms every time, then the only person they’re sleeping with is the person they’re actually in bed with.

And if they and their partner are in a mutually monogamous relationship? Then that loop is closed entirely.

Here’s what you need to do. First of all: go get tested for STIs. Make sure that you ask for the full battery, including herpes. NOT because your one hook-up might have infected you, but because it’s what responsible, sexually active people do. Getting tested means you can get treated, and it means you aren’t at risk of spreading any infections to your future partners. Next: watch Ella Dawson’s TED talk about herpes and dating, followed by reading up on what Planned Parenthood has to say about herpes and safe sex practices in general so that you can have the facts. Then, like I said: go talk to a counselor. The level of terror this is inspiring in you is neither productive, nor healthy.  All it’s doing is making you miserable and cutting you off from relationships or even just simple pleasure in your life.

I get not wanting to contract an STI. Herpes may not be a big deal, but it’s entirely legitimate and understandable that you’d rather not catch it. But the fact of the matter is that life is a full-contact sport. Everything you do comes with risks. You take risks walking out your front door in the morning. You take risks when you eat a sandwich, commute to work or, yes, have sex. Part of living is understanding and managing those risks, deciding which are acceptable and how to mitigate them where you can. Right now, you’re letting your fear and your judgement paralyze you. Talking to a therapist can help you get past those fears and actually let you enjoy your life and the full cabaret it offers you.

Get those fears and thoughts under control, man. You’ll be much happier.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been beating myself up for ages, because like you used to be, I am “The One Who Girls Don’t Like Like That.” I think I’m pretty friendly, and most people don’t seem to be against the idea of spending time with me, but in terms of romance or sex I’m completely dead in the water. I actually have to pretend I have experience in both of those areas to even be able to survive even a simple conversation, since most of them revolve around those exact things.

Considering I’ve got a minor autism thingie going on (like so mild that you can’t tell at first, I’m not Forrest Gump or Dustin Hoffman in “Rain Man”), I’ve gotten very good at “bulls--tting,” where I essentially craft a backstory about myself that is so radically different from what I really am. Essentially, I’m just a likable Jewish kid from New Jersey who’s saving himself for marriage (because pretending you’ve gotten laid repeatedly is annoying, and I’ve been found out more than once), who personally dislikes the taste of alcohol and drugs (seriously, pretending to be religious is a godsend for the socially awkward) and what not. I’m not quite as distressed about this as I used to be, since I’ve got a way better mental image of myself than I used to, considering that in high school I was convinced that I was obese and wanted to kill myself. But that’s old news, and I’m better than that. And I’m only 17, so I’d assume that most people would laugh me off and say “Oh don’t worry, you got time, kid.” 

The problem this creates is that even if people believe that I’m an abstinence nut, albeit one that seems strangely fine with other people having sex, it still doesn’t explain my complete ineptitude with the opposite sex. As a platonic friend I’m tops, because I’m nonthreatening, very sweet towards women, blah blah blah. This bothered me in high school, but I’m not so mad about it now. Point is, even a guy pretending to be a religious nut can have a girlfriend. And I don’t, nor have I ever had one. I won’t go down the “forever alone” line of complaints, but I’ll admit that I’ve considered that I might be like that. 

Back to the platonic friend crap. I don’t mind it so much anymore since I’ve left high school, and the only female friends I have now are ones that I am not sexually interested in. 

A new problem I think I might have is that it’s a possibility that I might be more attractive than I thought and some women may have liked me after all, and that I either didn’t know or, when I found out, lost interest completely. I’m suspecting more and more that I’m only attracted to women who don’t like me back, on purpose. The second they express interest, I lost interest. It’s as if I need all that pain and heartbreak of the friend zone to even want to bone her, much less be in a mutual romantic relationship with her. And that’s bad, much worse than my initial “I’m really ugly” belief. Even now I know that I’m not better than average appearance, which I can live with, but if this theory of mine is true, then I am royally screwed.

Case in point: I casually start talking to this girl online (not even for romantic reasons). When I eventually see a picture of her she took for me, holding a sign with my name on it, I notice that she is HOT. Not even cute or adorable like most of the women I encounter, but so attractive that I’m shocked that she’s still talking to me. She knows what I look like too, I’m not one of those insecure morons who gets a picture of some “Magic Mike” looking guy online and pretends to be that. We keep talking, and I eventually admit that I’ve got feelings for her, and amazingly enough, she apparently feels the same way. So what, she lives in California or something, so it would be great if she lived where I do, but too bad. The problem is, the second I hear it from her, suddenly all of that mad attraction I was feeling just went away. This is not the first time this has happened, I think. 

So essentially, to sum it all up, I’m just wondering if you’ve ever heard about anything like this before, and what could possibly be done.

Lost In Jersey

DEAR LOST IN JERSEY: As with many of my other readers, there are a few issues in here besides the one you’re asking about. And frankly, most of them revolve around the fact that you’re 17.

To start with: the whole virginity/lack of romantic experience thing – I think you’re more hung up on it than most of your friends and acquaintances are. You say that you have to fake experience in order to “survive” in conversations that revolve around sex or relationships. In reality, a lot of it is in your head. I get that it feels like you and your friends are talking about sex all the time. I realize it makes you feel like you’re the Last American Virgin.

But here’s the thing. First and foremost, the number 1 rule of being a teenager is to remember that most teenagers talk a whole lotta s--t. At that age, there’s a LOT of lying on one’s resume; everyone’s confused and insecure and will exaggerate or straight-up lie about what they’ve done and with who in order to seem like they’ve got a handle on this whole “sex and relationships” thing. That can make it feel like you’re the only one who HASN’T had all kinds of crazy sexual adventures… and you’re not. You’re 17; being a virgin at 17 is neither terribly unusual or something to be ashamed of.

Hell, I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19. I was entirely convinced I was going to be able to drink before I had sex.

As I’ve said before, losing one’s virginity is given more importance and significance than the actual act has. The biggest physical difference between being a virgin and not being a virgin is basically non-existent and physically meaningless. Psychologically – assuming that you didn’t have a traumatic or exploitative experience – you’re the exact same person you were before; you just have a new set of experiences that you didn’t have before. High-schoolers make a big deal about sex because it’s supposed to be the dividing line between childhood and adulthood and by having sex they’re really more mature or somehow better than the ones who don’t… but that’s almost entirely ignorance and insecurity talking.

You’re doing yourself a disservice by putting up so many fronts as a way of saving face or justifying why you haven’t had more experience; by doing so, you’re reinforcing your own belief that being a virgin, not being interested in alcohol or drugs is something to be ashamed of. Yes, there are a--hats out there who will give you s--t for it… but why give a damn about what an a--hat thinks? F--k ’em, they only have the power over you that you let them have.

Plus, the way you’re crafting this fake narrative about yourself is only serving to sabotage your own progress. These false fronts you’ve been putting up have a lot to do with why you lose interest in women who might actually show interest in you.

You are doing something that I used to do back in the bad old days; you don’t believe that you’re actually desirable or worthy of having a girlfriend and as a result, you’re sabotaging yourself. It’s a perverse way of protecting yourself against emotional vulnerability and the pain of being rejected – by setting yourself up for failure, you know in advance that you won’t have to put yourself in a position to be hurt. The heartache and drama that comes from going for unavailable women doesn’t “count” because you know subconsciously that it’s not “real”. It’s not the same as if you went for someone you actually cared about and invested in emotionally. That would run the risk of real pain, not these phantom pains from being friend-zoned when you knew in advance that it would never go anywhere.

Let’s look at the example you provided: you’re talking with someone online, someone who lives across the country from you. Right there, you have two layers of insulation against the idea that the two of you could have a relationship.  She’s “safe”. OK, so you realize she’s really smoking hot… but you don’t know her in person and she’s thousands of miles away. Still safe. It’s ok for you to be attracted to her, because you know in the back of your mind that it will never happen. So you allow yourself to have feelings for her.

And then she drops the bomb that she likes you too. Suddenly, she’s much less “safe” than she was before. Now, even though she lives in California, even though you’ve never met in person, she represents actual risk. This is a relationship that COULD actually happen. You, however, still believe that you aren’t capable or worthy of having one… and so you subconsciously shut down and pull away rather than risk actual emotional intimacy and the pain of rejection and genuine heartbreak because this can’t possibly work.

I’m not surprised that you’re having problems with the idea that maybe you’re not actually a hideous goblin. You have built up this mental image of who you are; finding out more and more that it just isn’t true and that’s causing you anxiety. Realizing that you were wrong all of this time means that having to accept responsibility for your decisions – you’re not single because of a quirk of fate, you’re single because of choices you’ve made – can be terrifying. It removes all of your carefully crafted rationalizations and defenses and forces you to look at them. It shows you all of the missed opportunities, all of the things you could have had and screams “This is all your fault!”

It’s easier to believe that your life is out of your hands than to look at all of the wasted potential and have to accept that you are where you are because you put yourself there. But as I said: you’re 17. Everything feels huge and out of proportion when you’re 17 – love is more epic, the pain is deeper and the losses are more tragic. To be a teenager is to have absolutely no sense of proportion and to think things are much worse than they really are.

For example: You think that if you’ve been wrong all this time, then you’re screwed. Except it’s not true. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. By realizing now that you were wrong, that you aren’t an unlovable troll but someone who is actually sexy and desirable, you have the opportunity to change and take control of your life – to have the relationships that you clearly want but keep denying yourself. The sooner admit to yourself that you were wrong and accept that these self-limiting beliefs of yours are bulls--t, the sooner you can open the door and let the future in instead of living your entire life looking backwards and wishing that things could have been different.

You’ll have that voice in your head telling you that you’re ugly, that women couldn’t love you. Shout it down. Shut it up. Remind yourself that it’s wrong. You have all the evidence to the contrary, so now it’s time to act on it. The past is merely prologue. Forgive yourself for having been wrong and for everything that you’ve missed out on. Then resolve to go out and live your real life.

It’s time to quit playing it safe and take some risks. Fortune favors the brave, after all. 

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, I’m not sure what the start of my issues are. I know I lack romantic confidence, but have no idea how to build it, especially since the pandemic. I’m not really timid in the rest of my life (anymore) and even confident at times, but when I actually try to meet someone it’s like a switch flips and I can’t stop feeling like I’m unwanted and harassing a woman, even just to ask her out. I know this kills any chance I might have had, but it’s like I’m not the one driving anymore and just shouting from the backseat. I also seem to have a lot of “downtime”. If I get rejected it can take months for me to try asking someone out again, and even weeks to feel any sort of attraction again. I know it’s partially a numbers game, but when people say move on, what I hear is give up on weeks to months of invested feelings just so you can be in the position to allow the process to happen all over again.

This makes me wary to hear a first real relationship probably won’t last. My first instinct that if I find myself in a relationship, I should end it as soon as possible because is probably doomed and I might as well minimize losses (I know this has no basis in reality, but my emotions keep running with it).

All in all I know I’m still a mess, and I’m working with a therapist (which has been marginally helpful), but I don’t know how to get experience to be less of one.

Bless This Mess

DEAR BLESS THIS MESS: A couple things in your letter leap out at me, BTM. The first is the idea that you need to give up weeks or months of invested feelings, and that it takes you weeks to feel attraction in the first place. The way you phrase this leaves things a little ambiguous; do you mean that you take weeks to develop an attraction to an individual, or do you mean that if you’ve been rejected, you take weeks to feel any attraction to anyone afterwards? If it’s the former, that sounds a little like being demisexual — someone who doesn’t develop strong sexual attraction to someone without getting to know them or having a strong emotional connection to them first. If it’s the latter… that sounds more like depression. Obviously, this distinction makes a rather crucial distinction as to the best way to move forward.

(And if it IS the former, then I suggest you check out the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network at asexuality.org. They have resources to help you learn more about what demisexuality means, as well as suggestions to help you navigate dating without pressuring yourself into trying to force yourself a mold of sexual performance that doesn’t actually match who you are.)

Similarly, mentioning giving up weeks or months of invested feelings sounds like you mean that you’ve spent weeks and months building yourself up to the point of trying to ask someone out. If that’s the case… well, that’s part of your problem. By spending that much time before actually making a move, you’ve invested far more in a person than is actually warranted. You end up making that person — someone you often barely even know — so important that their turning you down could destroy you emotionally. Needless to say, that’s far more power than a relative stranger deserves over you. Part of the way that you avoid this is fairly simple: you don’t wait that long in the first place. Being more proactive and not waiting for weeks, trying to get 100% assurance they’d say yes or trying to find the “perfect” moment, you don’t invest so much in any one person that they can wreck you with a word.

But if we’re being perfectly honest, I think that’s a lesser problem right now, and not the problem you should be trying to deal with. Yet.

When it comes to trying to fix one’s life, I like to focus on the order of operations. After all, it doesn’t do you any good to work on being more proactive about meeting women and asking them out when a single rejection is going to put you out of the game for weeks at a time. So that is where I would suggest putting your focus for now.

Now, I want to preface this with the reminder that Dr. NerdLove is NOT a real doctor and the acknowledgement that I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD, so a lot of the co-morbidities of ADHD are in the forefront of my mind. With that being said: what you describe sounds a lot like rejection-sensitive dysphoria to me. Rejection-sensitive dysphoria is an extreme response to the pain and anxiety of being rejected by someone or feeling like you’ve failed someone important in your life. It can lead to people anticipating rejection and trying to avoid it at all costs — to the point of turning into a social phobia, and causing them to stop even trying anything that might lead to rejection.

Like, say, approaching women they’re attracted to.

Now, if that sounds like you,  then that’s something I would suggest you bring up with your therapist the next time you talk to them. Your therapist is in a better position to determine whether this is a possibility for you and, if it is, recommend potential treatments. They may adjust your therapy to help you find coping strategies, or they may suggest medication that can help address the problems.

Getting that under control will make it easier to work on other issues, such as your feeling that your being attracted to someone is inherently unwelcome before you’ve even said anything. Each step forward will make each following step that much easier for you.

You’re in a tough place, BTM, but you’re taking the right steps. Focus on that order of operations, take care of those underlying issues, and you’ll get through to the other side and be all the stronger for it.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com