DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: When this pandemic got bad, the company I work for allowed us to work from home; as a result, I decided to move back to my parents’ house. I’m an only child and I usually visit them on weekends or when I have free time (we live 200 miles apart), and I moved back to be with them and help them too. After all, they’re getting older, whether they like to admit it or not. So far, things were going well… until last night. I was doing some work on my laptop while they were watching TV —  they were watching “90 days fiancé” and there was a discussion about marriage and stuff. Suddenly my mom asked “Hey, when are you getting married?”

It was a silly question without malice or trying to hurt me or something like that, it was just a comment. However, I don’t know if I was caught off guard or maybe is this whole pandemic or I don’t know, but it struck a chord and I couldn’t help crying. Like… really crying. I excused myself and rushed into the bathroom.

Some backstory: I’m a 25 guy who never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl, and I believe I’m way to hideous for dating. Not gonna lie, sometimes I feel really bad about this but I’m pretty good to hide my emotions and keep them to myself. However, last night I just lost it. I don’t recall the last time I cried in front of my parents (maybe when I was in high school) and it was super embarrassing. I was always afraid of a situation when they asked if I was seeing someone or something like that, but I never thought I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

When I came back, they were in the kitchen and the TV was off. My mom made tea, and I sat awkwardly alongside them and we were silent for at least ten minutes. My dad asked me about sport stuff and if I had a lot of work and I guess we pretended my overreaction never happened.

Even though they’re being super nice to me and we haven’t spoken about it, it feels weird. I can feel it. They’re like trying to not upset me and carefully choosing their words to speak with me. I know I reacted like a baby, but I’m not. I want things to go back to normal but I don’t want to talk about what happened, or explain my feelings regarding relationships, or any pain I may have. I mean, I don’t want them to worry about me. The whole point was me being with them and take care of them no the other way around.

Did I ruin everything and things are going to be weird and awkward like forever? Will they forget? Is there something I can do? I don’t want them to be worried about me.

Awkward Son

DEAR AWKWARD SON: You didn’t do anything wrong AS, and no, you didn’t ruin anything. You had an entirely understandable emotional reaction, just one you’re not used to. Here’s the thing you need to keep in mind: the world is on goddamn fire. We are dealing with a global crisis of the likes we haven’t seen in literally more than a century and it is decimating the world, the economy and pretty much everything about our normal ways of life. This is one of the most emotionally trying times any of us have ever lived through and that’s going to take a toll on us in a lot of ways that most of us have ever experienced before.

Everybody’s mental and emotional bandwidth is clogged right now. Even if you’re in a fairly good place, where you aren’t worried about your job, you’re not in danger of being losing your home and you’re able to pay your bills… this s--t is weighing on you. None of us are as fine as we like to say we are and frankly all of our feelings are going to be so much larger and so much louder than they would be under normal circumstances. So yeah, I’m not surprised that you had a crying jag, AS; that’s a reasonable reaction from a reasonable person who’s stuck in an incredibly unreasonable situation. I mean, s--t dude, I’ve had my share of tears and yelling because of, well, literally everything that’s been going on.

However, I want to zero in on something you said: “Not gonna lie, sometimes I feel really bad about this but I’m pretty good to hide my emotions and keep them to myself.”

This is part of what lead to your bursting into tears, AS. You’ve been bottling these anxieties up, trying to pretend you don’t have them or push them down so that you don’t have to think about them. That doesn’t work under the best of circumstances; trying to avoid your feelings doesn’t make them go away, it just compresses them. You’ve been like a pressurized canister, and the pandemic is the emotional equivalent of smacking that canister with a hammer. Before, you didn’t give yourself an outlet for your emotions. Now the can’s been ruptured and it’s exploding, messily and all over the place.

Part of the problem is, well, frankly, you bought into this bulls--t idea that men aren’t supposed to be emotional. That we’re supposed to have our s--t on lock, that having strong feelings is a weakness and we’re only allowed to shed a single man-tear on suitably important occasions like the death of our fathers or the end of Saving Private Ryan. All this has done is left generations of men deeply uncomfortable with expressions of emotion and out of touch with their own feelings. As a result, we end up completely cut off from our own feelings or even understanding how to manage them in a healthy way. We have no outlet for emotional expression, even less of an idea of how to manage how we feel in productive ways and end up in positions where it just comes bursting out of us.

I mean, look at your dad. Part of what he was doing was trying to ease your embarrassment, but also trying to deal with his own discomfort. Not because there’s anything wrong with your crying, but because he doesn’t know how to respond to it or how to comfort you.

Here’s the thing: pretending that this never happened is a bad idea. All that does is perpetuate the same cycle of your trying to repress your emotions, all but guaranteeing that they’re going to burst out when you least expect it and at the worst possible time. The mistake you’re making is assuming that you have to be made of stone or pretending that you don’t have feelings or aren’t having concerns. The fact that you’re taking care of your parents — which is incredibly admirable, I might add — is the cover story. Your wanting to help them and care for them doesn’t mean that you can’t have problems of your own. Nor are they going to stop worrying about you just because you pretended things didn’t happen. They’re your parents. They care about you. They’re going to worry about you; it comes with the territory.

But instead of trying to tiptoe around the subject like it’s a live minefield, it’s better to just own it — both the crying and the feelings that triggered it. It’s understandable that you have a lot of painful feelings and anxieties around dating and relationships. You are in incredibly good company there; I can’t count the number of letters I get from people who feel like you do — men and women. And while obviously I don’t think anyone — you included, AS — is helpless or doomed to being Forever Alone, those fears and anxieties are real. Pretending they don’t exist just makes it hurt even more and creates a false sense of helplessness and powerlessness. By facing those feelings head-on — owning them, acknowledging them, not trying to pretend that they don’t exist — you take the first steps in alleviating them… not to mention, helping reassure your parents.

Talking to your parents and admitting that hey, you’ve got complicated feelings is a good first step. Opening up and sharing this,  letting them know “hey, I struggle with dating and meeting women and this causes me anxiety” not only helps them understand you, but it’s good for them, too. Now they aren’t going to be as worried that they’re going to say the wrong thing and step on a landmine they had no idea was even there. Just as importantly, being open with how you feel means being open to receiving comfort and reassurance… both in general and from your parents in particular. They may not have any answers — or at least any good ones — but they can at least offer you comfort and reminding you that you’re loved and cared for. It may not solve the problem, but it can help you feel better.

What I would also suggest is that you get in touch with a counselor or therapist. Not because there’s anything wrong with you but because hey, s--t is goddamn hard right now and you have a lot of very loud feelings that are clearly causing you pain. Talking to a counselor can help you handle your feelings in a healthy and productive way as well as help you with your anxiety about dating and being an older virgin. Working with them will also help make it easier for you to help your parents; they won’t have to worry as much about you because hey, here you are handling your s--t! You’d be doing not just the sensible thing but the kind thing, for you and for them.

And here’s another thing to keep in mind: you’re actually demonstrating a lot of incredible qualities that women look for in a man. You’re kind, you’re conscientious, you’re sacrificing to take care of your parents at a time when they really need you. These are all things women crave in a partner. But they also want someone who’s in good emotional and mental working order. Taking the time to work on yourself, learn how to embrace your emotions and manage your anxieties is going to put you in a good place when the pandemic ends and we can all go out again. And when it does, after doing the work, if you’re still needing to work on meeting women and getting dates… well, I’ll be right here and ready to help teach you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve got an odd relationship problem that I feel awful about and could really use some guidance. 

I’ve been with my fiancé for a little over 3 years now. He’s my best friend and overall we have a really great relationship. Recently I’ve been finding myself less interested in the sexual aspect of our relationship and I find myself fantasizing  about the earlier part of our relationship. I think it’s because he was a virgin when we meet, and if I’m really being honest with myself I’m pretty sure I have a fetish for that. I should probably mention that I’ve dealt with sexual & emotional abuse in my previous relationship, so I’ve never really thought about what I’m into before because I never thought I could enjoy sex.

I’m afraid to bring this up with him because I don’t want to make him feel bad but I also want to have a healthy attitude towards sex and actually be able to enjoy it. If I do have a fetish is there a healthy way that I can enjoy that? I feel like asking him to role play being a nervous awkward virgin again would just be really uncomfortable for him.

So Confused

DEAR SO CONFUSED: First of all SC, I want to congratulate you on working through the trauma and fears that were inflicted on you from your previous relationship. Having the courage to work through the pain and realizing that you actually can enjoy sex and intimacy with a partner is huge, and you should be rightly proud of how much you’ve done and how far you’ve come.

So let’s talk about sex, fetishes, and how to talk to your partner about what you need.

First and foremost, getting an erotic charge about being the more experienced partner and teaching them about sex is fairly common. More often than not, the thrill comes from the eroticization of the differences in power; the more experienced partner tends to be the dominant role, taking control and guiding the less-experienced partner’s actions. This can hit a number of buttons: the thrill of being in charge of the situation, having control over somebody, being somebody’s first significant sex partner, the thrill of educating or “corrupting” an innocent, even the fantasy of molding someone so that they please you exactly the way that you need. In a lot of ways, this is very much the same dynamic as between a dominant and a submissive in a BDSM scene; one person is in charge and dictating the actions of the other. The difference is that instead of tying somebody up or disciplining them with impact play, it’s emotional and mental. You’re still in charge, but it’s closer to being a teacher/student; the desire to please and be pleased is still there.

And as with doms and subs, there are a number of ways that you can play with this dynamic; there’s the seduction of the innocent, the more experienced woman educating or initiating a shy but eager virgin who came for advice… the possibilities are really limited by your imagination and what gets your motor running.

Part of what can help you talk about this with your fiancé is to really dial into just what it is about the virginity aspect that turns you on. Is it about being in charge? Is it about flipping the (bulls--t) societal script about gender roles surrounding male and female sexuality? Is it an eroticization of the taboo, the idea of “taking advantage” of someone? The more you understand just what it is about this fantasy that works for you, the more you’ll be able to articulate it to your fiancé in ways that won’t sound like you’re telling him that you aren’t as into him now that he’s not a virgin any more. It may help to write it down; both the act of writing it out and seeing the words on paper may help you organize your thoughts in ways that just sitting there pondering it might not. Plus, writing it down serves as a form of rehearsal; this way you’re less likely to be nervous and garble your words, go blank or say it in ways that don’t convey what you actually mean. Having a script to refer to can help cut down on misunderstandings or trying to improvise in the moment and not being able to communicate things as clearly.

Once you feel like you’ve got a pretty good grasp on just what it is you like about those fantasies and how you could see them playing out, then it’s time to have an Awkward Conversation with your fiancé. It’s awkward, not because what you want is strange or outré or bad, but because it’s simply new and unusual for you, and you’re worried about how he might take things. Here’s how you structure it. First: you block out time for the two of you to talk, so that you won’t be interrupted or have to rush through it or leave things incomplete. Tell him: “Hey, I’ve had some ideas I’ve had about our sex-life; can we take a couple hours on Friday to talk about it?” Make it clear: this isn’t anything bad, there’s nothing wrong; quite the opposite really.

Then, when it’s time, let him know that you’re a little nervous, so you’d like to share your thoughts without being interrupted. Next: you let him know why you’re a bit nervous or hesitant to bring it up; in this case, because you’re worried that he might take it the wrong way or that you’re worried it might make him uncomfortable. Then you explain just what it was about the early days of your sex life that were so great — all of those reasons about why his being a virgin turned you on and why it gives you such a charge. After that you explain how you’d like to really lean into that turn-on: the kinds of fantasy or role-play that you two could do together that capture that dynamic. This wouldn’t be the only way you two have sex any more — even dedicated kinksters have sex the ol’ fashioned way — but it would add spice and excitement to things and keep things from falling into routine.

Now a thing that’s important is that you don’t want to roll this out to him as though it were a deep dark secret, or that this is some horrible thing that you need but you’re deeply ashamed of. You want to present it to him as this incredibly hot, exciting and sexy thing you want to do with him, this awesome new addition to your sex-life.

Then you say “… and how about you?” You give him his turn. Let him ask questions, see how he feels and even encourage him to share fantasies or desires he may have that he hasn’t mentioned yet. By modeling this behavior — talking about your needs, sharing your fantasies and encouraging open and clear communication — you’re encouraging a relationship dynamic that allows the two of you can talk openly and confidently about not just what you need from each other, but what you’d like to try together or things that he‘s fantasized about but may feel a little worried about telling you about.

He may need a little time to think about things — either to decide how he feels, or muster the courage to tell you what he wants. But by keeping the tone of conversation as “and here’s why this will be awesome!” and being open and non-judgmental, you’ll be creating a space for him to feel safe and empowered to share what he might want to try too. And not only will that help lead the two of you to have some awesome sexual adventures together, but it’ll help build the foundation for a long, happy and exciting relationship that will stand the test of time.

Good luck

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently I met a young lady through a dating app. We have a lot in common and after a bit of talking and flirting we met up to have a responsible social distance date. It went well and we had a couple more and have hung out a couple of times.

I like her (obviously), but after spending time with her in person I find myself not romantically attracted to her, while she is seems interested in me that way. We haven’t been physical, just good times enjoying each other’s company.

My question is this: how do I let her down easy without killing our friendship?

Sincerely,

Trying Not to be Shawn Michaels

DEAR TRYING NOT TO BE SHAWN MICHAELS: Serious question, TNTBSM: has she actually said or done anything to make you think that she’s interested in being more than friends? Has she, for example, talked about the possibility of you two getting physical, or floated the idea of ways that maybe you could have a slightly less distanced get-together? Or is this more of a (completely understandable) free-floating anxiety, a fear of hurting someone who you are coming to like as a friend?

I’m a big fan of not borrowing trouble from the future, especially if there’s no reason to believe that there will be trouble in the future. If the two of you are just having a good time hanging out and nobody has started making comments about being more than friends, then I think having a “So just so you know, I don’t want to date you” sort of conversation is going to feel like it came out of left field.

Now, if she has given indications that she wants more than friendship… well, that’s where things get tricky. As More Adventurous Than He Thinks above can tell you: there really isn’t a way to say “I like you, just not the way you want me to” that doesn’t sting. But at the same time, letting someone believe there’s a chance for more when there isn’t is unnecessarily cruel, even if it’s in the name of trying to avoid causing pain with an awkward conversation.

If you’re legitimately interested in hanging out as friends, I don’t know if there’s a need for a preemptive “let’s just be friends” speech. But if she does decide to call the question, then the answer is to be gentle and be honest. You really like her, you enjoy hanging out with her, you’re glad you two have met and become friends, but you simply don’t feel the same way. I would also suggest that you let her know: you sincerely want to stay friends, but if that doesn’t work for her, you understand. Giving someone permission (as it were) to take care of themselves can sound weird and presumptive, but telling her you want her to prioritize her own emotional well-being is a kindness. Sometimes people — guys, gals and non-binary pals — need to be reminded that it’s ok to take a little time to feel your feels when you’ve been turned down, instead of trying to immediately shift to a platonic friendship without pausing to acknowledge that it kinda sucks.

That is, of course, assuming that the issue ever comes up. It’s entirely possible that she’s on the same page as you and thinks that you are hoping for something more. And while I’m a big fan of using your words… a lot of times, if nobody actually makes a move to take things romantic, things tend to settle into the friendship it was always meant to be. And who knows; maybe down the line, you two will talk about how you all met and laugh about the fact that you were both convinced that the other had a huge crush.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (35F) recently got up the nerve to ask out a guy (40M) who I’ve been good friends with for almost a year. We ended up Skyping a ton during quarantine because we both lived alone and enjoyed talking to each other. I caught feels pretty quickly after we started having hours-long conversations, gaming together, watching movies together over the Internet, texting all the time, etc. There were a lot of signals on both sides that more might be on the menu.

Finally, one night, I’d had a bit to drink during our Skype session and it was enough to give me the courage to ask him out. He said he was flattered, but he didn’t want to ruin our friendship because “women tend to stop liking him once they start sleeping with him.” Obviously, this could very well be a polite no that I’m reading too much into. If so, I’m perfectly happy to be just friends — this guy is awesome and I love spending time with him, and I’m not so far in the feels that I can’t respect platonic barriers.

The thing is, though — before COVID, before I started having feelings for him, I was house-sitting for him while he was out of town and I came across some of his porn collection. I really wasn’t snooping, I swear! I was sitting at his desk and I spilled my drink, and while I was frantically trying to move all of the papers out of the way before they got ruined, I uncovered a stack of printouts of erotic stories that indicate that he has a very specific kink that is generally frowned upon. Nothing illegal or dangerous, but I can definitely understand why a lot of women wouldn’t be super excited about it. I, however, am interested in giving it a try — it was something I’ve already considered trying myself but haven’t pursued. Since at the time his sex life wasn’t something I thought much about, I put the stories back where I found them and never mentioned them.

But now I’m wondering if that’s what he means by people not liking him after sleeping with him. So I guess my question is, is there any way to let him know that while I’m happy to just be friends, if he said no because women have dumped him over this kink and he thinks I would too, that’s not going to be an issue? Is there any way to say this without admitting that I found his porn, which I’m sure he would be super embarrassed by? (He’s never mentioned the kink in conversation, so there’s no way I could have known about it without stumbling across it in his house.) Or should I just accept the no on face value and move on with my life? I don’t want to push if he’s just not interested, but I also don’t want to miss out on something that could be great because he thinks I wouldn’t be into it.

Any advice would be appreciated!

More Adventurous Than He Thinks

DEAR MORE ADVENTUROUS THAN HE THINKS: One of the most frustrating things about getting a soft “no” — someone turning you down without actually saying “no” — is that it’s really tempting to think that maybe that “no” isn’t final. We see this all the time from guys who get soft no’s like “I’m not interested for a relationship right now”. Guys have a tendency to focus on the “right now”, rather than the silent “I’m not interested in a relationship… with you” that’s implied. As a result: they hang around hoping that they can wait out the clock and be there when she is ready to start dating. Similarly, when folks give a vague reason like “I’m not in the right place” or “dating just isn’t my priority right now”, many times the people on the receiving end miss that this is a refusal and instead think that the reason why that person can’t/won’t/isn’t ready to date them is a problem that can be solved. Since they aren’t ready to accept that they were rejected, they focus on trying to handle the supposed obstacle between them and romance.

That moment is the dating equivalent of Stacker Pentacost yelling “Reset the clock!”, because the countdown has started to the inevitable moment that the rejected person is going to discover that the object of their affection has started dating someone else. This almost always leads to frustration, confusion, hurt feelings and — frequently — tortured DMs demanding to know why they “lied”.

So let’s look at your circumstances MATHT. You’re into this guy. You were incredibly brave — seriously, that takes courage — and made your move. He was very polite, kind and gentle in turning you down, with a not entirely unreasonable objection. While I’m a firm believer that no, sex and romance are not antithetical to one another, if he worries that sex would disrupt your friendship, that’s a legitimate concern. If we assume that this is exactly as he said, then he’s someone with strong sense of self-awareness. He knows that something (we don’t know what) about how he conducts his affairs tends to wreck his relationships with women. Maybe this is a pattern in his relationships that he wants to break before he tries to pursue anything that has the potential to be serious. Maybe he knows he’s kind of an a--hole when it comes to sex and sexual relationships. Hell, maybe he just knows that women he sleeps with end up not liking him and he doesn’t know why. Or maybe you’re right and it’s just that his kink drives away the majority of women he dates.

But that’s a mighty big “if”, and it requires a whole lot of facts that just aren’t in evidence. That’s one reason why at times like this, it’s important to ask yourself: do you honestly think that it’s just a case of his being ashamed of his kink? Or do you just want this to be true, because you don’t want to let go of the idea that you and he might get together?

When it comes to kink, it’s worth keeping in mind that lots of folks have kinks and fantasies that they don’t entertain outside of the privacy of their own minds. Sometimes that’s because the kink is literally impossible — vore, giantesses, random mythological creatures, etc. Other times it’s because… well, they may like it when it comes to fantasy, but they’d never want to actually do it in real life. Some things are just masturbation fodder, not something they’re aspiring to try. Hell, some folks are squicked out by their own kinks; they’re into it when they’re horny, but as soon as post-orgasm lassitude kicks in, the shame rolls in as the horniness rolls out.

Is there a way to find out if it is an issue of his being into this kink and worrying that it freaks out potential partners? Well, yes… you can bank-shot that conversation, a little. If you have the kind of friendship where you could talk about such things — or you’re willing to be a little “tipsy” and “accidentally” let it slip — you could say that you were doing a little late night erotica browsing on An Archive of Our Own (or what-have-you) and you found a story involving X kink, and had he ever heard of this before? Sure it’s a little outre, but y’know, it doesn’t seem so bad and you might be into that…

And then you can wait and see what he says. Will he admit the truth and say that yes, he’s into it as well? In an infinite universe, it’s certainly possible. Or who knows, maybe he would break down and admit that the reason why he turned you down was because he never thought you’d be into it. Then the two of you can get together and go off into the sunset together having awesome sexual adventures together.

However, the odds are good that he’s not going to suddenly reveal that he’s into this. He’s far more likely to pretend that either he has never heard of this or that he thinks it’s weird; not because he doesn’t like it, but because he doesn’t want YOU to think he’s someone who’s into that. And if he has legitimate shame issues surrounding his kink… well, he’s definitely not going to want his friends thinking that he’s into that.

Of course, all of that is entirely predicated on the idea that the kink is the problem and not that he isn’t into you that way. Or, for that matter, it could be both: he could be worried about his kink turning people off and while he cares for you, he doesn’t like you that way.

But to be perfectly honest, MATHT, my advice is to take his soft no at face value. While the dynamics of a woman being a little more persistent in the face of a rejection from a man is different than it would be if the genders were reversed, it’s still not a great look. The idea that he’s been waiting for someone to make their Insight check and realize that he’s just ashamed of being kinky is a lovely fantasy… but it’s just a fantasy. And if it’s the case that he’s worried about people being turned off about his kink, then he needs to work on learning to accept himself as the kinkster he is before worrying about dating you, specifically.

I think you’re better off letting this one go. You’ve made it clear that you’re interested. If he changes his mind and decides he wants to ask you about his kink, he knows where to find you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com