DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in need of some advice. I hope that I don’t ramble on too long, but there’s some back story to lay out.

So I’ve been friends with this girl for the past year and a half or so. We hang out quite a lot and spend a lot of time together. I like her, and I’ve told her so on a few separate occasions. She has never really rejected the idea, but would just tell me that she was focusing on herself and wasn’t ready for dating at the time. I told her that was okay and didn’t let it get to me. I’ve been open to other dating opportunities, but none have really presented themselves.

Anyways, this girl went on a trip for a week for both work and personal reasons. She came back and a few days later, I noticed via Facebook that she entered a relationship with her ex, who I knew happened to live where she traveled to. This was basically out of left field based on other conversations about him and how she felt about it.

The first thing I need advice about is whether I should confront her and ask her about it. It’s been about a week since I found out about this, and I feel like the fact that she hasn’t told me is weird. I might not be that concerned, but we are supposed to be going on vacation in two months. Now, I didn’t have any expectations about going on vacation, but now that she’s in a relationship, I think it’s going to be weird. So should I bring it up? Or is this a case where I need to ignore it and “grow up” and let her tell me if she wants?

The second part is how to handle things going forward. I’ve read a lot of your articles, and I’ve been trying to incorporate a lot of your advice into how I deal with relationships in general. In this case though, I feel like it wouldn’t be appropriate to go nuclear and cut her out. She’s one of my closest friends and I wouldn’t want to shut her out.

Any help you could give would be much appreciated

Friend Zone Parolee

DEAR FRIEND ZONE PAROLEE: Um, I hate to tell you this FZP, but she rather definitively rejected the idea already. She couched it in softer terms – that she was working on herself and not really wanting to date right now – because women are still socialized to be deferential to men and not be too direct for fear of offending them.

She was trying to tell you that no, she really didn’t want to be more than friends, but you were looking for reasons to keep holding on and took her answer as “well, she didn’t say never…”.

I used to do this back in the bad old days. A girl could tell me that she’d date me when hell froze over and I’d think “So she’s saying there’s a chance…”. It’s the triumph of hope over experience.

Should you confront her over this?

Oh F--K no.

I get that you’re feeling hurt and a little confused about this. It would’ve been helpful if she’d been more direct about what she meant, but it’s ultimately irrelevant because you know what she meant. As a general rule: women don’t fall in love because you figured out a loophole in what they said when they turned you down. Nobody in the history of romance has ever won any points or gotten a person into bed by trying to rules-lawyer things. She didn’t break any promises or betray you. She went on a trip and reconnected with an ex. She didn’t bring this up with you because a) she likely knew you’d be weirded out about all of this and she’s trying to maintain your friendship and b) it’s really none of your business. She will tell you – or not – as she feels it’s appropriate. The best thing you can do is accept it and move on.

Now I want to say something about your planned vacation. Your word choice is kind of significant here: you’re worried that it’s going to be “weird”. This tells me that you may not have had any expectations about this trip with her… but you were sure as f--k hoping that something was going to happen. You may have had specific plans or you may have been just hoping that togetherness in a new place would bring you closer and then nature would just take it’s course.

This is a very bad idea and if you don’t want things to get weird, you need to start getting over the idea that you can turn things around NOW. Otherwise I can guarantee you that this will be the vacation that ends your friendship.

If you want to be friends with her, you’re going to have to do so with the understanding that you and she are not getting together and you must be cool with this. You can’t make every interaction with her a referendum on “WHY WON’T YOU LOVE MEEEEEE!?”. You can’t sit around waiting for her to break up with him so that you can have another shot. You can’t, in short, be a Nice Guy about this. If you can’t be her friend without the hope that you’ll get together with her eventually, then it’s better to cut ties. Otherwise you’ll be making yourself miserable for no good reason and you’ll be making it even worse for her. Not only will she be upset by the way you’re acting, but she’ll also be feeling bad because you’re feeling bad because of her and there’s really nothing she can do about it.

That is incredibly unfair to her. And if you’re really her friend, you wouldn’t want to put her in that position.

So there’re your choices. If you want to be her friend, you have to get over your infatuation with her. If not… well, then sometimes cutting ties is the kindest thing to do until you can come back without an agenda of hooking up.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I only just found your column, but I love that there’s somebody out there giving nerdy men encouraging, thoughtful dating advice that also takes a respectful look at gender relations.

I relate to a lot of what you say about “leveling up,” making yourself attractive by being fun and improving your life. I’ve been doing this, and have come a long long way from the friendless nerd I was a dozen years ago in high school. I’ve got a decent job, great friends, creative outlets, and an overall lifestyle that I’m very happy with. I’m very satisfied with myself as a person, though I’m taking every opportunity to grow and seek out new things.

So of course, I’m finding myself eyed up by the opposite sex a lot more. What’s tough for me, though, is that my confidence and my wit go out the window around women I’m attracted to. I often end up dating women I’m less into because I’m comfortable around them, and before you know it, we’ve fallen into a relationship. 

Recently, this has really come to a head for me. For the sake of my anonymity, let’s say I do slam poetry on weeknights. Slam poetry is my passion. I’m really good at slam poetry, have lots of friends in the slam poetry community, and esteem from other slam poets in my town. In the last month a two, I’ve seen a woman around the slam poetry circuit. She’s just started, and I like her. A lot. She’s gorgeous, fun, and interesting. And I’m pretty sure she likes me. Like I keep catching her sneaking glances at me likes me. Like she comes and talks to me. 

But like I said before, I’m terrified of women I’m attracted to. I’m scared to come on strong and be a creep. Part of that’s learned behavior from high school and college, when I’d ask girls out point-blank, they’d say yes, but then never take my calls and avoid me. Part of it’s also seeing just how much hassle from men you get when you’re a beautiful woman. And this woman is gorgeous. Like for the first time since I was 14, I was talking to this woman and looked into her eyes and forgot what I was saying. 

And I’d be okay if I knew I didn’t have a chance. I’m so charming to women I don’t have a chance with. 

So the other day I was at a Slam Poetry event, and she spent much of it talking to me. Good sign, right? But still the whole time, I was petrified. Then, I had an opportunity to ask for her number. I got it, then quickly excused myself from the entire event. Like things were going to suddenly go pear-shaped. I know I didn’t like ruin anything by going, but it said a lot to me about myself that I couldn’t just enjoy myself around her, let the night wind down on its own. Now I’m not sure what the next step to take is.

This is like a specific situation that illustrates an overarching problem for me. I’m having trouble interacting with women I’m attracted to, and I have a lot of trouble making my intentions known, asking them out, showing that I’m interested. What advice do you have for a man who’s scared of women?

Stumbling Blocks

DEAR STUMBLING BLOCKS: You have a very common problem, SB. It’s something I went through during my own transformation. In fact, I’d say it’s something that just about everyone who has that unpleasant awkward period goes through when they’re trying to get better at dating.

You’re still dealing with a scarcity mentality. You’re treating awesome women that you’re attracted to like an incredibly rare resource and that if you don’t do everything perfectly, you’re going to f--k it up and God alone knows when you will ever find someone that awesome ever again. As a result you put an insane level of pressure on yourself to succeed… which is a very good way to trip yourself up.

Think of it this way: one of the best ways to psyche out an opponent in sports is to get them to think about what they’re doing. Talk to a golfer and ask them “Hey, do you inhale on the backswing or do you hold your breath?” and suddenly they’re incredibly conscious of everything they’re doing. They’re letting their head get in the way of the things they’ve done a million times before and suddenly they slice an easy shot into the rough.

To put it another way: you’re treating talking to women you’re attracted to like you’re on the bomb squad. Every awesome girl who seems like she might be cool to know is a giant explosive with a mercury switch and redundant failsafes and if you so much as jiggle the wrong wire, it’s good bye the the St. Cecilia’s Orphanage For Special Needs Children (and Adorable Puppies). You’ve done this thousands of times when there weren’t any consequences but now it’s for keeps and if you don’t get it right… boom.

This is what you’re doing to yourself with girls you feel like you stand a chance with. You have an easier time to talking to women you’re not interested in because you don’t fear the possibility of failure. Who cares, right? You’re better able to be yourself because you don’t give a s--t about how the interaction goes. You’re not constantly trying to analyze your own performance or constantly checking for little micro-clues that let you know how you’re doing, you’re just letting the interaction flow. You’re not coming away from talking to them feeling like a failure because you didn’t get her number or because you didn’t get a date or any other major milestones.

It’s when you start treating talking to a girl like defusing a bomb that you f--k yourself up. Now the pressure is on because you’ve convinced yourself that this is your one shot and if you don’t do everything exactly right then it’s all going to blow up in your face.

Except women aren’t bombs. The women you’re attracted to aren’t fundamentally different from the ones you’re not attracted to – they put their pants on one leg at a time, same as everyone else. They have their own little quirks and insecurities and annoying habits that every other woman you’ve felt comfortable around has had. The only difference is that you’re investing them with more importance because you’re still operating from a place that says “THIS IS MY ONLY CHANCE AND I NEED TO MAKE IT HAPPEN NOW!”

You need to adopt that same consequence-free mentality when you’re talking to women you’re actually attracted to – and that means learning to accept that there are millions of awesome women in the world. As soon as you understand that there will be other women out there, you start to understand that not every interaction has to be 100% perfect and that the slightest screw up means failure. Just because you didn’t hit a perfect S-level performance with one doesn’t doom you to a life of masturbating and crying alone in your room. You shrug, dust off your shoulders and just roll on because there will be more women and a rejection doesn’t define you as a person.

If you freak out because you think that you’ve just pulled the wrong wire and now the bomb is about to destroy the orphanage – metaphorically speaking – then yeah, you’re going to have a harder time. If you just accept that hey, you’re a little nervous but it’s no big deal – even if this doesn’t go the way you hoped –  then you will find that you will be much more at ease.

You can recover from f--k-ups. You can trip over your junk (again, metaphorically speaking) and NOT make her hate you forever. It’s not all or nothing. And even when you f--k up, you will have other opportunities to succeed again later with other people.

Next time, take a deep breath. In through your nose, hold it for a second or two, then exhale slowly through your mouth. Let your heart rate slow a little. She’s just a person, same as you. You’re not going to reject someone if she’s not 100% perfect… and neither is she. If your jokes fall flat or you aren’t as suave as Tony Stark, that’s just fine. It happens and you’ll do better next time.

She’s not a bomb. She’s not your last chance at happiness. She’s just a person.

Start accepting this and you’ll find that you’ll do much better.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, I have a situation, and I’m not sure I’m making the right moves navigating it, and I’d like the opinion of an expert.

I’m a 32 years old straight man who never had a relationship before. In 2012, while trying to find someone on dating sites, I met a woman my age, we’ll call her R. R is a literal beauty queen (in that she has won beauty pageants) and a very interesting person. Our first date went well, until the very end when a homeless man came to us asking for money and I gave him some. She…did not appreciate this. She got heated and started complaining that she lived in the area and that he would recognize her now and harass her for money. Being quite new to dating at the time, I assumed I had made a mistake and blew it in the home stretch.

To my surprise, she actually reached back and asked for a second date, then a third. Shortly after, I introduced her to my best friend and it did not go well. My best friend is polyamorous, and she did not approve and wasn’t shy about saying so. Still, being elated that a girl was digging me, I continued seeing her. However, when I made a move to kiss her, she stopped me and said she just wanted to be friends. So we met as friends a few times.

In 2014, I met her one last time before leaving for a different city for my doctoral studies. She admitted to me then that she was interested in me, but that she wanted children, and that since I have a severe heart defect, I had “bad genes” and she thus couldn’t have kids with me. Her words. This stung. She kept trying to reach me after that, calling me often. I answered at first, but I ended up cutting contact quickly afterward. I was too chicken to actually tell her that I didn’t want to talk to her anymore, so I just ghosted her.

Flash forwards to two months ago. My doctorate now completed, I ended up moving to the city where she lived. So in November, she reaches to me on Facebook, saying she really liked hanging out with me and wanted to talk. I figured that since it had been six years, she might be different and this might be more fun. Turns out, she is the exact same. Including calling me whenever she wants and disapproving of my best friend (which she herself brought up as a topic). But she’s still seems super into me. She even said she considered a relationship despite my health problems. After a single chat, she already wanted to meet up ASAP and do things together. I almost gave in, but seeing how anxious she made me, I decided to tell her point-blank that I wasn’t comfortable with her, never had been, and while I didn’t mind her texting me every few days, I couldn’t give her more than that for now.

That was right before Christmas. I didn’t hear from her for two weeks after that. Then she texted me again saying that, and I quote, she couldn’t live with the restrictions I put on her, that she needed more freedom, and that she couldn’t handle having me as a friend but not being able to contact me. I told her again that she was welcome to text me. She said that she didn’t want to only text me, because of her dyslexia, and that I live less than ten minutes away from her anyway.

(I should clarify that I had no idea where she lived when I moved in this city. I didn’t even know if she still lived here.)

I haven’t responded yet, because I don’t know what to respond. On the one hand, I’m just not feeling it. On the other, I’m no Chris Evans. Women don’t throw themselves at my feet for a chance at spending a night with me, much less a long-term relationship. And here is a gorgeous woman being clearly into me, and I’m thinking of saying no? What’s wrong with me? If she is still that interested after six years, then surely it means something, right? My friends are divided on the issue. Some think I should get over myself and take her up on her offer, while other think I should just break up the friendship. Personally, I’m afraid that if I pass on this opportunity, I’ll have missed my only chance of not dying alone.

What should I do? Which group of friends should I listen too? I’d like to hear from someone with more credentials.

I’m Just Not That Into Her

DEAR I’M JUST NOT THAT INTO HER: First, IJNTIH, a general rule: it’s far better to be alone because you’re alone than it is to be alone because you’re with the wrong person.

Because HOLY HOPPING SHEEP S--T, DUDE, R is the wrong goddamn person. And I don’t mean for you, I mean for just about anybody.

I mean, f--king hell super-chief, let me count the ways that you’ve said she’s awful. Getting snippy with you for helping someone who’s homeless would be a first strike for me. And while I’ll be the first to tell people that hey, polyamory ain’t for everyone, the fact that she apparently couldn’t not avoid insulting your friend is another strike. I mean, it costs nothing to just shut up and let other people do their thing, especially when it has precisely zero effect on her. Aaaaand then there’s the “well, you’ve got s--tty genes, that’s a no from me, sorry, LOL” bit which to me would be a “f--k you very much, there is the door, and don’t think it hasn’t been a little slice of heaven… ‘cuz it hasn’t.”

So in and of itself, those are all very good reasons to lose her number and otherwise forget that she exists. But then she came back into your life years down the line and… manages to be just as s--tty, occasionally in new and impressive ways. I mean, bringing up how much she disapproves of your best friend’s love life unprompted is a sign. “I considered having a relationship with you despite your heart condition” is some condescending bulls--t. 

But here’s the big, flashing neon sign that says “DO NOT ENTER”, IJNTIH: it’s the part where she says that she “can’t live” with the “restrictions” you put on her and that she “needs her freedom” because she needs to be able to contact you at will after you stated that you weren’t comfortable with her and the way she behaves. What she is doing right there is telling you, point blank, that she does not give a single, solitary, malnourished f--k about your boundaries. You have stated clearly that you are willing to have a relationship on these terms and these terms only and her response was “LOL no”. That, king, is what we in the relationship-advice-giving business call “a huge f--king red flag”. That is more red flags than the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. She has shown you exactly who she is and what she cares about, and what she cares about is not you. She cares about her and only her.

And look, I get why you’d think about it. She’s hotter than a four alarm fire and probably has a body that’s wolf whistle jaw drop lip bite. The idea of her naked probably makes your junk stand at attention and sing “Rosanna” in three part harmony. And trust me: it ain’t worth it. I have yet to meet a woman who was so hot — and I have met a metric f--kton of insanely hot women — or so good in bed that it would be worth putting up with bulls--t like this. She has insulted you, insulted and mocked your friends, shown herself to be a selfish little s--t and has no compunctions of telling you that she doesn’t want to respect your no.

Trust me: that is not somebody who’s going to be worth banging, even for the stories. These are the hallmarks of someone who is selfish in bed (at best) and who will treat you like dogs--t if you let her into your life.

What’s wrong with you? Absolutely nothing, chief. The fact that your instinct is to tell her “no” is a sign that you are thinking very clearly and correctly. The fact that she’s still interested after six years may be flattering, but it doesn’t invalidate the “oh, right, still an awful human being” part. This isn’t a “get over yourself” situation, this is a “you have too much respect for yourself to consider it”.

Personally, I’m siding with your friends who’re telling you to end the friendship. Although, if I’m perfectly frank, I wouldn’t consider this a friendship. You may be her friend… kinda. But she’s definitely not yours.

Oh, and one more thing. Passing on this opportunity doesn’t mean you’re missing your only chance, nor does it mean that you’re crazy to pass it up. The takeaway here is that you can do so much better than her. You’ve got a literal beauty queen bootie calling you because she’s been after you for six years. Take that aspect and realize that there are other, equally hot — if not hotter — women out there who will also think that you’re a tall glass of “f--k my brains out” who aren’t s--tty people. Who will actually be sweet and funny and generous and treat you with respect and, y’know, not insult you or your friends.

Block her number and go find them instead.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com