DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m hoping for a bit of advice. I’m a single woman in my late 30s. I’m a big nerd, but I can also talk sports fluently. I have a great job that pays well, a nice apartment all to myself, multiple degrees, interesting hobbies, and look dang good in a pair of heels. However, I’ve pretty much resigned myself to being single forever because I am not down to have sex on the third date. Hell, I might not have sex on the sixth. Or sixteenth. I feel like sex is a pretty huge expression of trust, and after a handful of dates with most dudes I don’t think I’d trust them to be unattended with my laptop, let alone my naked body. I’m not waiting until marriage, and I do have a healthy libido, but I suspect I’m demisexual and it takes me longer to feel the level of connection that would make me comfortable with sex than most people.

You’ve had lots of columns about how to disclose virginity, but how do I disclose that my date ain’t gettin’ lucky anytime soon? Do I put that in an online dating profile off the bat or do I wait until the topic comes up in conversation? As it is I try and at least offer to go dutch on every date so they don’t feel like they’re owed anything, but I still get plenty of ‘ice queen’, ‘prude’, and ‘shouldn’t have lead me on’ by around the third date, which I am super tired of. At this point I feel like the only men with the patience I need are religious and waiting for marriage, but I am hella agnostic, so that just isn’t gonna work either.

Thank you so much,

Have A Little Patience

DEAR HAVE A LITTLE PATIENCE: I’m going to be blunt with you, HALP: you’re going to have a lot of issues with guys who’re going to want sex and want it soon. There are a lot of men who simply aren’t going to want to wait. A significant number of them will hear that you take things slow and they’re gonna vanish on you. That’s likely to sting. I’m not saying this to change your mind or to make you feel bad for your choice; I just want to let you know, up front, that this is going to present a challenge for you in your dating life and you should be prepared for this.

And to be sure: the guys who don’t want to wait for sex aren’t in the wrong for wanting it, nor are you wrong for wanting to wait. Those conflicting desires are just a sign that you and they weren’t compatible in the first place. For the guys who are interested in dating you, waiting until you’re comfortable and feel that connection is going to be the price of admission.

Now, as you’ve seen, you will encounter dudes who will take this badly. They’re the ones who’ve called you a prude or frozen. While it’s not wrong for them to be disappointed that this relationship isn’t one that they were hoping it would be, their insulting you for having this boundary is a pretty good clue that you dodged a bullet. You’re better off for these guys having self-selected right out of your dating pool.

But while doing that particular bullet means you’ve filtered out another jerkass, who wants to go through that every time they’re on a date? I would suggest that you make it clear up front that it you need to build up trust and comfort with someone before sex is going to be on the table. If you don’t necessarily want to use the term demisexual – which, let’s face it, is still pretty inside baseball right now and a lot of folks won’t know what it means – then you might want to phrase it as you’re a slow burn who prefers to take her time before sex is going to be on the table. Let folks know that this is how you’re wired; you like to build that trust connection before you’re ready to sleep with someone

Putting this in your dating profile is going to weed out a lot of the guys who are hoping for sex by date 3. Not all of them to be sure, but most will self-select out of your dating pool before it ever becomes an issue.

That being said: it can be helpful to give people a rough idea of how long they might be waiting. It’s one thing to tell someone it may be a month or so. It’s another to just leave it completely ambiguous and leaving someone wondering when, or even if it may happen. That’s asking an investment from someone without telling them what the price is, and that’s not fair to them – especially if you’re the only person they’re dating.

It’s also good to make sure you’re not accidentally sending mixed signals to people you’re dating. And to be clear: I’m definitely not saying you’re doing that. It’s just a classic case of folks making assumptions based on facts not in evidence. If they don’t know you and how you roll, they have have a different idea of how things are progressing than you do.

It’s important that everyone is on the same page and understands what’s likely to be happening in the near future. If you’re getting increasingly physically intimate with someone – a goodnight kiss on date two, some extended making out on date four, rolling around on date six, etc. – then folks could be forgiven for being frustrated when it seems like things are escalating towards sex only to be told it isn’t.

So, my advice, boiled down is “communication, communication, communication”. The folks who know up front how you like to conduct your relationships are opting in to your pace. If that’s not what they want or what they’re looking for, then hey, better to get that out of the way early so that you and they are both free to go find someone who IS the right match for you.

I would also suggest that you go looking for demisexual men – I promise they’re out there, I hear from them all the time – and give them priority over other dudes. They’re much more likely to be on the same page as you, and your mutual patience will mean that you’re much more sexually compatible than the ones who say you’re leading them on. 

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’ve been reading your articles a lot lately and they are so reasonable that I thought to myself that maybe you could put some reason in my head as well.

You see, to be really short, I met a perfect girl about a year and a half ago, or so I thought. She told be about her male friend from Spain whom she met while she was on her student exchange. We started dating in December, I told her I loved her in April. In March she went to see this Spanish friend. She said that they arranged this visit before she met me. I didn’t protest, I didn’t want to limit her, I wanted to be perfect for her. In May she went with him for two weeks to New York. Same justification – “we arranged it before I met you”. Spoiler – she was lying. In June she told me that she loved me back and she has never met with him ever since. And I can tell you it was true, her feeling. Maybe I’m naive but she did love me, I’m quite sure.

Fast forward to September – I got an e-mail from somebody. Turns out the Spanish friend was her “f--k friend”. The e-mail contained all their conversations on facebook and all their e-mails. Moreover, in this e-mail there was a spreadsheet which documented all their trips and all the times they had sex. They were awarding themselves points for each intercourse, every time they had oral sex etc. and also some bonus points for other things like sex in the shower or sexy lingerie. Of course, the March and May trips were also there.

I broke up with her in October. She was so sorry. And she lured me back. I came back. She became perfect. She threw out (but only then) all the postcards she received from him, all the lingerie sets he bought for her. She was literally a dream girlfriend. But I didn’t forgive and didn’t forget. I couldn’t. But I still loved her and I still do. And I tried really hard to find a way in which it would work, but I didn’t. After a couple of months of hesitating and fighting with my love and my hatred for her, I gave up, I walked away two weeks ago.

Now, please remember that it’s a really, really short story, but to sum it up: she lied in my face about her relationship with him. She went twice to see him and have sex with him, even a few days after I told her I loved her. She continued to talk to him on facebook after she told me she loved me. And they had this “spreadsheet” game of awarding themselves points for f--king.

And after I walked away, I read your article about what you can do with cheating. How you can survive it but you have to forgive. How it’s possible to maintain a relationship after betrayal, even though it’s gonna be a completely different relationship. And you also wrote that the acts of cheating are not equal.

My question is: was this the kind of an “unforgivable” cheat? Was this the right decision to leave her? I know that it’s something that I have to determine eventually, but I wanted your say on this as an expert. I still love her and frankly, if there was a way to make this work, I would. I would like to forgive her, but even if I could – would this be a wise decision considering the above details? If you’re willing to forgive something like that, should you then always take the road of forgiveness? Or perhaps forgiveness and staying with her would be a wrong decision, no matter what.

Right now we’re at the stage where she wrote to me how much she misses me and how much she is not able to live right now. I also replied a couple of times about how hard it is for me. And a few days later, her tone changed – she was very unemotional, saying that she thought things over and that because of her “emotional destruction” after I left, she lost a lot of time at work and she can’t afford it anymore. And that we can meet and talk but it’s either we try or we stop all contact with each other. And I got mad – I wanted to know that she still suffers like I do, that she cares. That she actually has no right to dictate such terms, because she destroyed the relationship. And I panicked because I realised that it would probably mean no contact. Suddenly “the ball” was in her court and it freaked me out.

You should know that I feel guilty because of this breakup. I have a feeling that there was a way to stay with her, but I couldn’t find it. Your article made me think that maybe, if I want to stay with her, I should try to forgive her, no matter what she did. Also, you wrote about the difference between what you want to do and what you’re supposed to want. It’s true – all my friends tell me to dump her, go nuclear and break all possible contacts with her. I, on the other side, still love her despite what she did and would love to get back with her and forgive her. But despite the fact whether I could forgive her or not, would this be a wise decision considering what she did?

In other words – I am seeking confirmation that it was a right decision to leave her. Even a simple Yes or No would do.

Thank You,

Not A Special One

DEAR NOT A SPECIAL ONE: First of all, I’m so sorry this happened to you. That’s a s--tty thing to have happen and it’s an even s--ttier way to find out about it. And honestly, I have to wonder about the motivations of her f--k-buddy sending you all of their dirty details; is he just the kind of asshole who takes delight in rubbing somebody’s nose in the affair? Was he hoping that this would make you and your girlfriend break up so that he could have her all to himself? It says a lot about your girlfriend’s choices that she cheated on you with someone who went that far out of his way to be a s--thead to you.

Regardless: it’s a f--ked up situation and I’m sorry you got stuck in it.

So, taking this from the top: yes, not every infidelity is equal. But while that is true, I don’t think that people should forgive every infidelity, nor is forgiveness necessarily warranted. What I do think is that circumstances and context are important and that cheating shouldn’t automatically be a relationship-extinction level event. However, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t times – often MANY times – where you should not only end the relationship but burn it to the f--king ground and salt the earth behind you.

A one-off failure of willpower – an alcohol induced hook-up at a professional event followed by regret, for example – is different from a serial cheater or someone who’s having an ongoing affair with someone else. The former is often easier to forgive; the circumstances are unlikely align again and the cheater (assuming that s/he truly regrets the infidelity) is much more likely to ensure that it never happens again. The latter, however, is somebody who can’t or doesn’t care about the harm they’re causing to their partner. This doesn’t mean that it’s a crime that can’t be forgiven in theory… but the bar is significantly f--king higher and it’s going to take the work of a saint to expiate those sins. And to be perfectly honest: the person who’s been cheated on may not WANT to forgive and forget.

Now, as to your question about whether you were right to leave her… well I want you to ask yourself a couple of important questions. As hard as it can be, I want you to put aside things like their spreadsheet; as salacious and over-the-top it may be, it’s a distraction. Instead, I want you to ask yourself: is there any way your ex can earn your forgiveness and get your trust back? Not “has she” or “will she” but is it even possible? Or is this going to be a stone in your shoe, no matter what she does? Do you think she legitimately regrets what she’s done, or is she just saying what she thinks you need to hear in order to “let it go”?

Considering the sudden shift in tone in her communication with you? I’m not sure she does. As soon as she’s putting things in terms of the hurt she’s gone through, that’s a sign that she’s not exactly considering what she’s done to you.

But I’m not there and you are. I don’t know her and you do. So you’re going to have to be the one to answer those questions.

If you want my personal opinion, with the limited information I have… Yes, I think you were right to leave. And as much as you may miss her, I don’t think going back is a good idea. Frankly, after all this time, I don’t think you’ve really healed from what she’s done. I get the distinct impression that, were you to take her back, you would be in a constant defensive crouch, always waiting for the shoe to drop. And that, frankly, is not a healthy relationship to have with someone.

There’s a line from a song I love that is relevant here: “I may love you, yeah, but I love me more“.  I think you need to love yourself enough to let this one go. Mourn the loss, by all means. You were hurt. A dream died. That deserves to be mourned. But you need to heal and that’s never going to happen as long as you’re holding on to the idea that maybe you were wrong to leave and maybe this can be fixed.

There are other women out there, and they are just as amazing as she was. But they also won’t betray you like she has. So let her go and let yourself heal, so you don’t develop a callus on your soul.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I wanted to share a couple of similar experiences with you as I’m trying to learn from them.

A little background about me. I’ve started my journey when I graduated college in 2018. I really started focusing on my dating journey back in 2019. I was having trouble with the whole “just be yourself” vs “if you done this tactic, she would’ve liked you.” so at that time, I was more focused on what nuances I should pay attention to during my approaches. That means even though they felt a little forced, I ended up cold approaching whenever I can, one because I want to meet her and another reason is that even if I don’t get her, I’ll try and improve my game. Sometimes, it also results in anxiety because I just have no idea if she just doesn’t fancy me or if I done something wrong.

Ever since the pandemic started, I started realizing there were certain key moments in approaching that body language was present yet I wasn’t able to pick up on that. Now what I’m trying to do is I still plan on doing cold approaches, but I’m trying to utilize body language to ensure I don’t end up approaching girls who don’t want to be approach. Considering I don’t see much active signals thrown at my way, I also look for open signals (I call it that to describe signs a woman is not really looking at me yet she is open to talking.) I have two recent stories I wanted to share.

These two stories are pretty similar. They’re both about a girl and her friend enjoying a picnic together.

Scenario 1: I was just walking around a park in my old neighborhood and I see a couple of girls just sitting on the hill having a picnic. They don’t see to be looking into a crowd, but their body language seemed relaxed as if they’re just having a fun conversation. It didn’t seem like they were too focused on talking to each other otherwise their body language would have them leaning closer instead of backwards. This was my initial assessment and I decided to go up and talk to them. The conversation went pretty good, I made a few jokes that got her laughing. I think where I messed up is I let my nerves get the best of me to immediately asking for her number when back then I would’ve just build rapport and repartee (this was at a time where I was thinking in my head to remember to do this and that, whereas this one I was letting my body somewhat take over to not be too technical with this.). Ultimately she told me she was seeing someone, so I took that as a rejection and told her to have a great day. I took it as a win because I was able to have a good back and forth conversation with them.

Scenario 2: I was at another park and I see a couple of women also sitting down having a picnic. However, this one felt very different to me. Even though both of their body language was facing outside and not each other, they were also hunching their backs down and payed attention to their food. I also took the location of their spot into account, they’re away from people. I wasn’t sure if these were girls that didn’t want to be bothered or if I was just psyching myself out. What I did is I walked over there and looked around, and tried to make eye contact and she looked back at me a little bit but she went back to her friend. I walked past them. I was wondering if she was continually checking me out even if I wasn’t looking. So I looked back and caught her looking at me, but immediately turned my attention away. I think she gave me eye contact as she was looking out if I was gonna approach her or not as if she’s getting ready to deal with that. I didn’t see any other signs of interest nor disinterest after that. At the end of the day when I decided to go home, I was walking back to my bike and they were still at that same spot. I could tell that she wasn’t trying to move her face towards me, but was side eyeing me to see what’s going on if I was gonna do anything. My conclusion with this is that these girls didn’t really want to be approached by a guy at all, they just wanted to enjoy each other’s company. Of course me coming near could shake that sense of security they want to have so it may have made it worse.

My conclusion is since Scenario 1 they seemed to be having fun and open with their body language, it was okay for me to approach. However, scenario 2 is the exact same setup as Scenario 1 but the body language and context there suggested that they just want to be left alone. I wanted to share this experience but I didn’t want someone giving me pickup jargon i.e “you should’ve just gone up and talk to her” without risking harassment. I’ve read your articles and you seem to break it down for a lot of readers, so I’d like to know your perspectives on my situation.

I would like to get better at reading situations before making the approach to ensure I’m approaching at the right times and not at the worst possible times.

Lonely Daywalker

DEAR LONELY DAYWALKER: Alright LD, congratulations for wanting to get better at meeting people. And right off the bat: yes, you read scenario 2 correctly. They were just having a picnic and wanting to spend time on their own. They were facing each other — clearly interacting with one another — and set away from everyone else because, in all likelihood, they didn’t want to be bothered. They were likely watching you as you walked past because they were wondering what exactly you were going to do. You made eye-contact and were kind of lingering, so now they were asking themselves “ok, is this guy going to come over and start talking, or is he going to keep walking and let us enjoy our lunch?”

In scenario one, they were likely having a similar situation; they were enjoying a picnic when you came and talked to them. But I don’t think that was ever going to go anywhere…

In fact, with that in mind, I’m going to use your letter as a bit of a digression, LD, because this is something that comes up a lot.

One of the things that comes up a lot around here is the idea of “where do you meet women”? The problem is that a lot of dudes focus on making what are known as “cold approaches”; that is, approaching strangers that they have no pre-existing social connection with. As a result there is a lot of emphasis on either approaching women at bars or clubs or approaching women during the day as they’re going about their business.  And, in fairness, I’ve written a lot about cold approaches, so I’ve definitely contributed to this. But as time has passed, my approach (er… as it were) to the concept has evolved, as has the way I recommend that people pursue them.

The problem that keeps cropping up is that people latch onto cold approaches as the ne plus ultra of meeting potential partners — whether they’re looking for a relationship or to find someone to hook up with. And that actually ends up being counterproductive.

One of the biggest issues with this “approach every stranger you see” is that nine times out of ten, it’s going to feel like you’re trying to pick them up, and that’s going to work against you. Just about every woman you know in your life has multiple stories about how dudes treat them existing in public space as a sign that those women are there for guys to hit on. And honestly that can get exhausting for the people who’re on the receiving end of it. Think of it like this: you’re hanging out with a friend or walking down a street and someone with a clipboard comes up and starts soliciting… something. Signatures for their petition, donations for their charity, whatever. And as soon as you convince that person that no, you’re not signing, you’re not interested in donating or what-have-you — and they are determined to keep talking until, like demons of old, you have denied them three times — another one comes along with a similar spiel.

Now imagine that happening to you for the next four hours.

Cold approaches in general — especially the way most people go about them — are very goddamn difficult. You are, for all intents and purposes, trying to persuade someone you have literally just met to start a romantic or sexual relationship with you… usually within the span of 20 minutes to an hour. To be perfectly blunt… that’s not how most people start relationships. The vast majority of people meet their partners either through mutual friends, shared activities or dating apps. While the meet-cute cold approach makes for a romantic story… it’s not really the most effective way of meeting people, and focusing on it has a tendency to make most of your interactions with people mechanical and not terribly enjoyable for everyone.

But just as importantly is what I said earlier: you inevitably feel like you’re trying to pick them up and under the best of circumstances, that’s likely to make people uncomfortable. They’re not interested in being picked up, especially by someone who knows nothing about them. That’s going to work against you at times and places where “hooking up with a stranger” isn’t part of the social context.

Now notice that I said 9 times out of 10. The remaining 10%, things feel smoother and more organic because you weren’t trying to pick them up, you were just talking. The cold approaches that are the most successful, especially in the daytime, tend to be the ones that are the least like approaches. These are the times when you find an opportunity to just start a conversation with somebody and things proceed from there. These work best at times when the conversation feels organic, something that occurs naturally, instead of feeling like a dude who’s hitting on them. Getting hit on by randos isn’t as much fun as you’d think. But an encounter with a fascinating stranger who’s fun to talk to and — critically — isn’t there to hit on you is an enjoyable experience that can lead to more. Think of it this way: which makes a better “here’s how we met” story: you rolled up on ’em to pick one of ’em up, or a chance remark started a conversation that lead to your inviting them to a shindig you were throwing that night?

Most folks — especially the ones you’re likely to be hitting on, would prefer the latter.

So, for example, using an open observation about something around you — the song on the in-store music system, the dude who just biffed straight into the door on the way out, whatever — can be a start to a conversation at, say, your local coffeeshop. Similarly, sitting at the counter at a diner or the bar and chatting with the bartender or the folks next to you can likewise lead to a more personal conversation. I’ve had success when I’ve started conversations with folks I’ve seen sketching at bars or coffeehouses — I was legitimately interested in what they were working on and focused more on just chatting and building rapport, than trying to pick them up. That particular mindset — this person is doing cool stuff, I’d like to know more about them vs. this person is hot and I want to bang ’em — makes all the difference. I’m showing interest in them as a person, but I don’t have an agenda other than a decent conversation and then going my way. If things click and we catch a vibe then hey, great! If not… well, that’s cool too, and I’m off to go do my own thing.

And the curiosity about them vs. trying to pick them up likewise changes the tone of the interaction. I don’t even know anything about them other than how they look, so going in with a mind towards getting a date is going to make them feel like an object. And while sometimes you’ll meet folks who are likewise open to getting picked up, especially at particular bars or clubs, not everyone is. Coming to the interaction with a mindset of “you seem like you’re interesting and I just want a nice conversation” means that everyone relaxes, everyone can enjoy the interaction for its own sake and anything else that happens is a bonus. You’re getting to know them and then deciding if you’d be interested in more, based on more than just what they look like. They may be hot enough to make a bishop kick in a stained glass window, but that’s not enough to decide whether or not they’re worth trying to hook up with. Hot is nice, but hotness goes away when you find out that they like eating live kittens or whatever.

And for that matter, even folks who are hot like to be appreciated for more than what they look like. As the saying goes: compliment the beautiful for their intelligence. Showing that you dig them for themselves and not their looks makes you infinitely more charismatic.

Now this isn’t to say that cold approaches are bad. It’s a very useful skill to cultivate, especially when you’re in an area where you don’t have a pre-existing social network. But relying them to exclusion as a way to meet potential dates is likely to make life harder for you and much more frustrating.

So my overall suggestion is that you dial back the “looking for opportunities to practice cold approaches” and simply take more opportunities to have conversations — ones that occur naturally and more organically than approaching a couple girls having a picnic. You have far more opportunities for casual conversations than you realize, and with more people than just women you find attractive. Becoming comfortable with talking to anyone — men, women, everyone — means that you’ll be naturally more charismatic and fun to talk to, and you won’t have the vibe of only being interested in talking to the hot chicks. It’ll help put your anxiety at ease, because all of your interactions will be much more enjoyable and fulfilling. You’ll be in a headspace to enjoy them for their own sake instead of worrying so much about signs, signals and tactics or doing everything perfectly so that they’ll like you.

Plus: if you’re comfortable with talking with everyone, you’ll be in a much better position to take full advantage of those organic opportunities when they do arise… even when you weren’t actively looking for them.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com