DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (28M) wonder how I can stop second guessing myself in dating. Everything seems to be going right. Yet, I wonder: is it? When do I know that I’ve become successful at dating?

As background, I’ve only been dating for a year, when, after the pandemic, I started thinking, “maybe I should find a wife.” Since then, I’ve had a lot of first dates and some second ones. I’ve never been in a relationship and never had a girlfriend.

I took that internet test that uses personality to predict gender and, based on my answers, it predicted that I have a 98 percent chance of being a woman. While I’m secure in my manhood, I think that does sum up who I am as a person. I have a lot of stereotypically feminine traits. And when I read advice blogs, I’m almost always taking the (typical) woman’s perspective. So, my approach to dating seems, from what I read, like a typical woman’s.

And I only ever date exactly one kind of woman: shy, religious, nerdy, practical ones. Around my age. Who all look somewhat similar. I simply am incapable of dating anyone else. Everything about how I date attracts this kind of woman: how I talk, what I talk about, who I am, everything. I’m somehow very good at attracting this particular kind of woman and no other kinds.

So, every woman who I have a conversation with on a dating app is like that. Even if it’s not obvious from their profile. Every woman who I am interested in in real-life is like that. I’ve only been on multiple dates with about five women in my life, and they were (almost) all like that.

Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to meet a woman at a bar. Except I never go to bars. And I never drink. I just think maybe this is my last moment to potentially become an “exciting, cool person.” And while I know it’s bad to date someone just because they will improve who you are. I sort of feel like if only I dated someone “cool and exciting”, maybe I could become that way. And I would have lots of fun.

Or if I date my type, maybe I’ll lose some essential part of myself, like I’ll switch from being an extrovert to being an introvert. Or something else bad, given I’ve never had a girlfriend, I would not know.

I did date exactly one woman who was different from my type, ever so slightly. She was very extroverted and had a chaotic energy. That ended after two dates. I felt super anxious when dating her. I suppose I didn’t really feel like we had much going for us. And maybe it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. She said we didn’t have chemistry after two dates.

And right now, I’ve been on multiple dates with a woman who’s exactly my type. And more or less, exactly like everyone I date. We’re taking our relationship very slowly. I don’t feel that anxious. Yet, I don’t feel that excited either. Maybe I just need to wait a month or so for “new relationship energy.” I simply wonder if I actually like her or I just like her, because of who she is, that she has all the attributes of my type (for example, she reads a lot, she plays board games).

How do I know if I actually want to be in a relationship with a woman who’s my type? How do I know if me and women of this type would actually make for a good relationship? Or how do I know if I simply am physically and emotionally incapable of dating anyone else?

Sincerely,

Confused+

DEAR CONFUSED+: Before we get to your letter, I have a quick comment. I realize there’s a certain amount of irony in this coming from someone who makes his living as a Very Online loudmouth, Confused, but have you considered that maybe you shouldn’t base your self-identity around quizzes and random things you’ve read on the Internet?  While I love me a good time-waster and have probably given up far too much information to D&D character class/alignment quizzes, those really aren’t a basis for… well, anything important, really.

But that’s secondary to the issue at hand here. The issue you’re having is less about your type so much as it is about what you’re comfortable with. There’s a pretty significant difference between the two. There’re the folks you’re attracted to and would prefer to date, and then there are the folks you’re used to. Sometimes these line up. Sometimes they don’t. Things get problematic when the latter ends up overriding the former, especially when you treat this as some sort of mandate from Heaven.

Here’s the thing, Confused: you’ve spent most of your life surrounded by the people you describe: shy, religious, nerdy and practical. They are a known quantity. You’re comfortable with them because you know where you stand, you know what they’re like as people and you know what to expect. It’s easier because, well, they’re not a challenge for you. They don’t push you outside of your comfort zone, nor does dating them or interacting with them challenge your self-identity. They are, quite frankly, safe.

Now this, in and of itself, isn’t a bad thing. Shy, religious, practical and nerdy women are just as awesome as outgoing, extroverted chaos agents. The problem, however, is that it doesn’t seem like you are attracted to them. They’re easy for you to talk to and interact with, but they don’t excite you or interest you or make you feel like punching the air and yelling for joy. And therein lies the issue.

If we look at the woman you’re currently seeing, that pattern is continuing. You’ve been on several dates with this new woman. It’s been easy. It’s been stress free. And, apparently, it’s been less than thrilling. Unless you already know yourself to be some flavor of asexual or demisexual — which is certainly possible — then you’re likely not actually into her, romantically or sexually. New relationship energy isn’t something that kicks in after a month for most folks; it’s something that comes up pretty quickly when you’re dating someone you’re into. Part of what makes the early days of dating somebody fun is that initial excitement, wanting to see them, spend time with them and the thrill of their touch, their kiss, even their scent. If you’re not feeling much for her besides “it’s comfortable” after several dates, I think you can safely say that you’re not into her.

And if this is the same experience you have with the other women who are “your type”, that’s a pretty good indication that your type isn’t.

But I suspect this is less about “types” so much as it is about something deeper and more personal. This isn’t to say that your issue is that you’re dating the wrong women or that your type isn’t your type. I suspect this isn’t about the women you date, but about how you feel about yourself.

The issue at hand seems to be that you think this is what you’re limited to because of who you are… and you seem dissatisfied with the “who you are” part. Folks who are happy and satisfied with themselves don’t tend to worry, say, that they’re about to miss the window of opportunity to “become an exciting, cool person.” Don’t get me wrong: this doesn’t mean that being steady, reliable and possibly a little square is bad or undesirable.  Some folks are hobbits, who prefer quiet, unobtrusive lives. Some folks are dwarves — industrious rise-and-grind types, while others are the more academic elves. Still others are the more mercurial humans who have more of an appetite for excitement and adventure.

None of these are inherently better or worse than the others. Each of these (highly oversimplified) types all have their advantages and disadvantages.  Samwise Gamgee isn’t exciting, per se — he’s solid, practical and down-to-earth — but he’s a valued friend and member of The Fellowship and husband-goals for a lot of women out there. But there’re some folks out there who think they’re supposed to be hobbits when they’re not. The problem is that trying to live as that type of person doesn’t make them happy.

And hey, that happens a lot. Sometimes the role or community you’re born into isn’t necessarily a good fit for you. And this is true amongst every type — hobbits, dwarves, humans, elves, etc. You’ve got variations in every group; Bilbo discovered he had an affection for travel and adventure, Gimli became a friend of the elves in general and had a connection with Galadriel specifically and so on. But the key here is that if your type isn’t a good fit, then it’s on you to try exploring others.

Case in point: you talk about wanting to be more exciting and cool. You wonder what it would be like to meet women at bars. Well, leaving aside that meeting women in bars isn’t the end-all/be-all experience some folks think it is… what have you done about it? Have you made a point of getting out of your comfort zone? Have you attempted doing things that would be “out of character” for you — not just once, but enough times to gauge the difference between “I’m uncomfortable with this because it’s new to me” and “I’m uncomfortable with this because it’s not right for me”?

An obvious example would be the woman went on a couple of dates with. Part of why you were anxious was because this was unfamiliar to you. You felt like this was some sort of test or trial, with rewards and consequences, and you were afraid of getting it “wrong”. With your usual “type”, you knew what to expect and — more importantly — you were able to coast on autopilot. Yes, you and this woman didn’t have chemistry, but that’s not solely down to her being different. You can meet folks who are exactly the sorts of folks you’re compatible with and still not have chemistry with them. Declaring it a one-and-done experiment belies the fact that this was the first time you stepped out of your comfort zone and — surprise surprise — it wasn’t comfortable… yet. And that yet is important because everything unfamiliar tends to be uncomfortable to one degree or another at first. You’re trying to figure out what to expect and how to act! But with time, practice and experience, you learn.

That’s something you can apply to those other aspects in your life — including “well, I wonder what it would be like if…” parts. The “meeting women in bars” part is the easiest thing in the world to try; put on your traveling feet, hop over to Bree and see what the action’s like at The Prancing Pony. You don’t need to become a barfly and/or drink yourself stupid to see if that’s something you enjoy. Hell, you can go to bars and not drink alcohol at all. I promise you, not only will most people not notice or care if you’re having a Coke instead of a beer, stick a lime on a glass of soda water and everyone will assume you’re just having a cocktail.

However those are details, not the core of the issue. The most important issue isn’t trying on different roles or experimenting with different choices, it’s that you have to do it for yourself. Not because of the person you’re dating, but because you want to expand your horizons and see if you’ve been defining yourself by false limitations.

The thing is, you seem to have convinced yourself that women and relationships have transformative properties; that if you were to date someone with the right qualities, you would adopt those qualities yourself. This is very much out of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl fantasy: that some quirky, outgoing and unusual woman will see the untapped potential in a dude who’s stuck in his ways and teach him how to lighten up via quirky dates plus blowjobs. That doesn’t happen. Leaving aside that MPDGs don’t exist, women in general aren’t looking to teach dudes important and transformative life-lessons. All this fantasy does is move the responsibility for managing your own life onto someone else. Relationships don’t change you into a different person — certainly not permanently. More often than not, the folks who hope that a particular “type” will change them are into that type because they’re seeing that lack in themselves. But expecting someone to fill that lack for you is a fool’s errand.

Nobody can make it happen for you. You have to choose it and pursue it on your own.

How do you know if your type is right for you? How do you know if you’re capable of dating other people? That’s easy: you date other people. You push yourself out of your comfort zone, try connecting with folks who aren’t your usual type and see what happens. Again: you don’t want to do this once and call it a day if it doesn’t go perfectly. You want to give this a genuine shot.

But before you do that? I suggest you get out and start pushing the envelope of “who you are”. Consider those personality traits you wish you had — being “cool” or “exciting”. What does that look like? How would that person act? How would they dress? What would your life be like if you were that person. Take the answers to those questions and then start applying them to your life. Not “down the line” or “when you’ve done X, Y or Z” but right now. You don’t need to wait to start trying to be more exciting until you’ve hit some developmental milestone; you can start now. Today.

I’m not going to tell you to stop seeing the woman you’re currently seeing, though I will tell you not to commit to anything yet. What I am telling you to do is to look at your life, look at who you wish you were more like and start to model that behavior. Instead of focusing on your type, focus on yourself first. Take a few steps outside of your comfort zone and give living that different life a shot. Try it on for size, see how it feels past that initial pain point and then see how much your interest in your “type” has changed. You may discover that yes, you are more into the more outgoing, slightly wilder type. Or you may get confirmation that yes, you are a hobbit and that’s exactly what you’re looking for.

But that can’t happen until you decide to make it happen.

It’s in your hands, Confused. Time for you to take a giant step outside your mind and see.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m currently struggling with dating (who would have thought) and specifically with how i could meet someone that I can form a romantic connection with.

I’m a 24 Year old Dude, never been in a relationship, never been on a date, helpless as to why I’ve only ever gotten negative response, blabla, millions of words of advice on your site and others. What I think makes my case a bit weird is that I take a very long time to become attracted to someone. I need to know the person first, and then I could maybe think about romantic attraction.

So far, when looking at dating advice the main thing seems to be “be upfront and immediately communicate what you want” as well as “just be yourself, do your thing, and you will meet someone”. Both of which don’t work for me. I can’t immediately communicate, because I honestly don’t know at that point, and being myself over the last years has proven to not work. I have a lot of very sweet, very nice friends who are women that I wouldn’t want to be without, but that the lack of having a girlfriend is starting to become more of a problem for me over time.

I’ve asked women out occasionally, asked someone to dance in a club, tried online dating because the intentions  are clearer when you meet through a dedicated meetup-space. Things like sports clubs and common interests or common friend groups also have not led to any success so far. (that is: success in terms of finding dates).

My question boils down to: how do I meet women to be potentially attracted to if I am slow to be attracted and unlucky in my usual social circles?

Thanks for providing so much insight, hope to hear from you,

Slow Ride

DEAR SLOW RIDE: Alright, first things first, SR: your attraction pattern isn’t unusual.

What you’re describing is known as “demisexuality”, where some folks don’t develop sexual attraction for somebody right off the bat. While demisexuality is something of a spectrum, demisexuals in general tend to feel what they call “secondary attraction” — that is, the attraction you feel after starting to get to know somebody. Many need emotional intimacy and connection before they start feeling sexual or romantic attraction. While demisexuals aren’t common, per se, it’s not unusual or unknown. I’d recommend heading over to the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network at asexuality.org to learn more. They have resources and forums that can help you connect to other folks like you and to help you understand more about your attraction patterns. Knowing that you’re not alone and that lots of other folks work the same way you do can go a long way towards improving your sense of self-confidence and self-assurance.

It’s also useful to have a name or label to apply to your sexuality, because not only does it give others insight into how you roll and to set their expectations accordingly, but it means you can adjust your approach to finding relationships. This can be helpful, in part because it seems like you’re trying to find dates and relationships in ways that may be counterproductive to who you are as a person.

I suspect part of the issue that you’ve had with dating in general and online dating in particular is that you’ve been approaching it as though you were “allosexual” — that is, as though you had a more typical pattern of sexual attraction. On top of the usual frustrations people face on dating apps, there’s the fact that you’re not necessarily as interested, or even as motivated to match and meet people. That’s going to up the challenge level considerably, not just in terms of how you use the app, but the people you match with and the expectations that any potential matches may have of you.

Part of the problem, I think, is that you’re pushing yourself to try to adapt to an attraction pattern that doesn’t work for you. Asking people out on dates when you’ve just met them, especially on what’s known as a “cold approach” — that is, you have no social connection to them — isn’t going to work well for you. You aren’t necessarily attracted to them in the first place, which can affect how you come across to others, and I suspect that you may be just going through the motions rather than wanting to go on a date with them, specifically.

As a general rule, I think you would have a much easier time to focus on what are known as “warm approaches” — that is, talking to and getting to know people who are connected to your social circle. With warm approaches, you’re talking to people with whom you share friends in common — whether co-workers, friends from school or those women you mentioned whose friendship you value. This makes it much easier to strike up a conversation with them and to spend time getting to know them without the additional challenges that can come with talking to complete strangers.

In fact, your friends could well be your most valuable resource when it comes to meeting awesome, compatible women. Your friends know you and — presumably — know that you take time to develop attraction to others. You can let them know that hey, you’re interested in dating, you take time to warm up to folks and do they know anyone who they think you might vibe with? If you frame it as “getting to know folks you might get along with,” rather than people you would want to date right then and there, you take some of the pressure off to feel something for them immediately. That outlook makes it easier for you to take a little more time to get to know them and see whether or not you’d like to spend time with them. That’s time you could spend building an emotional connection to them, leading to sexual attraction.

At the same time, if you want to go the more traditional route or use dating apps, then it helps to lean into your sexuality. You know that you take time to develop attraction to folks. If you’re looking to meet people that you could see yourself having a relationship with, then you may want to prioritize meeting people you think are interesting or that you find compatible on an emotional level. These would be people you enjoy hanging out with, talking to, and, yes, going out on dates with. By prioritizing the emotional chemistry side of things, you’re make it much easier to meet people whose lifestyles, values and interests are compatible with yours. That, in turn, makes it easier to build the connection that leads to sexual attraction.

Now with that in mind, having that demisexual label makes it much easier to explain how you work. You’re a slow burn; you need to get to know someone before you start feeling sexual attraction to folks. Letting people know that up front is going to serve as a filter. There will inevitably be people for whom this type of relationship just won’t work. That doesn’t make them bad people or impatient or what-have-you; it just means that you and they aren’t compatible. Finding that out early means that they aren’t waisting your time and you aren’t wasting theirs. This is especially true with online dating; letting folks know that you’re demi in your profile makes it easier to match with the right people, while the others will swipe left.

Now this does mean that you may have to work a little more to find folks to date. Most folks are going to expect some degree of physical and romantic attraction right off the bat. That’s just a matter of numbers and demographics; there’re more folks who aren’t on the asexuality spectrum than who are. But there are folks out there — demisexual and not — who prefer taking their time and letting a relationship build instead of leaping into bed. They’re going to be looking for someone like you, someone who wants to take things slowly and build connection and trust and intimacy.

It can be a challenge, to be sure. But, as the saying goes: nobody said it was going to be easy. They just said that it would be worth it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 24 and male, mostly interested in women, and I feel like I’m in a weird place because I’m having trouble finding a committed partner. I feel like I’m a bit behind, and I’m not sure where to go from here.

I have a degree, I’m working towards my dream career, in my dream city, I have many friends, skills, and hobbies, and on the whole, the only thing that seems missing is a loving, committed partner.

I seek it out, and I do find connection, good connection even, and yet after a few dates, it always seems to end. They’re too busy, or they aren’t feeling it, or I’m not feeling it, and I’m back to square one in a month or less.

I feel almost “behind” in this respect, as I have old friends from College with years-long relationships, and others who are more committed and stable in this area of life than I am, and it feels like I’m doing something wrong. I do research connection-building quite a bit, but it hasn’t quite gotten me where I want to be yet.

Some would say I’ve not yet found the “right person,” but it really feels like I have, but it’s been the wrong time, or it’s my fault for not presenting myself “right.” I was also kind of an awkward nerd as a kid and into college. I didn’t have my first girlfriend until I was 22, and that lasted only two months, my longest relationship to date, and I was a virgin until 23, and I’ve never had sex with a partner, only a few casual encounters here and there. This makes me feel worse, because I feel like I’m not getting anywhere in building romantic relationships with others, and that frustrates me.

I guess my questions here are along the lines of “how do I do better?” How do I get myself in a place where I find partners trying to build something like I am? I try to date when I can, and seek out people I can talk to, and enjoy getting to know, but it seems like I’m still not quite getting it right…

-Too Old for this S--t.

DEAR TOO OLD FOR THIS S--T: I swear I’m going to have to sponsor a study about why so many guys think 24 is some sort of magic cut-off age. It comes up so frequently that it feels like a trend.

Anyway, that’s not the issue here. The issue you’re dealing with isn’t one of being ‘too far behind’ or ‘too inexperienced’, it’s about expectations. You’re working under the assumption that you’re on a particular timeline, where you’re “supposed” to have hit certain milestones by now — go to college after high-school, get a job after college and/or get an advance degree, get a relationship, get married, etc. The problem is that all of those milestones are not only self-imposed, but they’re not relevant. Expecting to hit certain events by certain ages isn’t based in some universal law about social development, it’s what some people think is normal… mostly white, upper-middle class folks, really. This narrative assumes that everyone is exactly the same, ignores any issues that might delay hitting those milestones and never stops to consider which ones are completely irrelevant to your life.

More to the point, however, is that you can’t really measure your life by how it stacks up to someone else’s. Yes, you have friends who have had years-long relationships… but you haven’t lived their lives. You have not experienced their life in the exact same time, in the exact same way as they had. People can point to Bill Gates and say “look, he founded a software company by the time he was in high-school”, but unless you had the same rich parents he did, got sent to a private school that let you skip classes in order to learn coding and did so at a time when access to computers was incredibly uncommon… you’re not going to be Bill Gates. The same thing applies to your friends and their social lives. They have had different lives from you, faced challenges you didn’t, had advantages that you didn’t (just as you had advantages they didn’t) and thus have had entirely different outcomes.

They aren’t “more advanced” than you or more established or whatever. They just had different lives. But that’s ok. You’re not following their track, nor are you expected to. You are living your life, at your pace, and with the advantages and disadvantages that you have had. You can only live your story, not anyone else’s. Trying to measure your progress by looking at other people is just a recipe for frustration because they aren’t you. Trying to be someone you aren’t is doomed to fail. You need to focus on living your life.

You’re working under the assumption that you need to make up for lost time and you really don’t. You’re still learning about who you are, what you want and who’s right for you. You may have started later than you would’ve preferred, but let’s be honest: you weren’t ready before now. You had to work on other stuff to get to this point and that’s fine. You had your first girlfriend at 22 and that only lasted a couple months. That’s not a failure, my dude, that was a learning experience. Most people’s first relationships don’t last very long, no matter how old they are at the time. This has nothing to do with age or worthiness or anything else and everything to do with it’s your first relationship. Dating and relationships are skills; you aren’t going to be an expert right out of the gate. More often than not, you’re still figuring out what you want and what you need from a partner. You may think you know, yes… but there’s a difference between what you want and what you need. Sometimes the two line up and that’s great. But often they don’t. Part of the dating experience is learning to differentiate between the two.

And hey, that’s fine. That’s normal. A lot of learning about yourself involves figuring out that what you think you want doesn’t actually work for you. Back when I was starting out and I joined the pick-up scene, I thought I needed to be the Bars And Clubs Guy and spent several years doing just that. But hey, turns out the people I actually wanted to sleep with and to date weren’t the folks I met at bars and clubs. It took time and experience to develop that self-awareness; once I understood I was — quite literally — looking for love in all the wrong places, I was able to adjust things accordingly and was much happier all around. Would it have been nice to figure all that out sooner? Sure. But that’s not how it played out for me.

Same with discovering I have ADHD as an adult. If I’d gotten diagnosed earlier in life, things would’ve been different. But I didn’t. That created challenges for me that a lot of my other peers didn’t have to face. But again: their journey wasn’t my journey and my journey has taken me to places they couldn’t go. Just as it is with you.

Another thing to realize is that while you may be a late bloomer, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. While pop culture may tell us that high-school’s supposed to be this sublime social experience… it really isn’t. It’s honestly the worst time to try to date. You have little agency over your own life, you have no life experience to speak of, you have no idea who you are as a person so you’re trying to figure out your identity while also dealing with all the hormonal changes in your body and trying to figure out social roles that are constantly changing. You’re always excessively tired, anxious, confused and feeling like you’re about to destroy your entire life, but you don’t know how.

It’s less of a beautiful coming-of-age story and more “trying to survive four years in gen-pop at Rikers”, really.

The fact that you had a later start than others doesn’t put you at a disadvantage. What it does mean is that you have more self-knowledge, more self-awareness and more self-knowledge than a lot of your peers did when they started dating. That means that you’re not going to be fumbling around the same ways they were or having to live through as many mistakes and misadventures… which aren’t all the “fun, character-building” kind. You’re in a position to make fewer errors and fewer bad choices than they did and get to where you want to be faster than they did, with fewer false starts. It functionally means that you need a shorter runway than they did.

And if we’re being honest…you ain’t doing half-bad for yourself, my dude. You’ve had a short term relationship and a handful of casual hook-ups. That’s pretty good, especially for someone who’s just starting out. That’s not a sign that you’re doing badly, that’s a sign you’re doing better than you realize. Give yourself a bit more credit, man; that’s a very respectable beginning. But just as importantly, the thing to realize is that the numbers don’t mean what you think they do. You aren’t more or less developed for not having a years-long relationship or a string of ex-girlfriends. Lots of exes isn’t automatically a sign of progress. It could be an indication of a problem that needs to be resolved. Or it could just be how that person rolls; some folks are more wired for serial monogamy and short term relationships.

Which brings us back to your question: “how do you get better?” Well… you do what you’re currently doing: you meet people, you ask them out on dates, you see what happens. The thing you don’t seem to realize is that while it feels like you’re Doing It Wrong, somehow, you really aren’t. You’re learning. You feel like you met the right person but it didn’t work out… well, yes. That’s how it goes sometimes; right person, wrong time, wrong place. You can’t control that. It’s just part of life. As a wise man once said: it is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That’s not weakness. That’s life.

What you learn in those circumstances is what matters. And one of the most important things you can learn is that there is no one right person. There are many right people out there, and who is right for you and who isn’t can and does change. It’ll change with who you are at this moment and where you are in life. It’ll change as you grow in life and social experience and with circumstance. You’ll also learn that some people who may be right for you in this moment won’t be right for you down the line as you grow and change. That’s fine. By that same token, you’ll often find that people who weren’t right for you back in the day will be right for you in the future. You can’t predict who those will be, you can’t control the whens and hows of it. You just learn how to roll with it as it happens.

Similarly, you’ll run into more people who aren’t right for you than who are. That’s just dating. Part of dating isn’t just figuring out what you want, it’s finding the people who are a good match for you. Sometimes you’ll figure that out early on. Sometimes you don’t. Again: that’s part of the individual journey, not a sign of who’s better/ more advanced/ falling behind. It’s all part of your own, unique story.

So stop beating yourself up for no reason TOFTS. You aren’t falling behind, you don’t need to “make up for lost time” or anything else like that. You just need to continue doing what you’re doing: living your life, meeting awesome people, going on dates and seeing what happens. You’ll date some folks, you’ll pass on others. You’ll have short term relationships and longer term ones. It’s all part of the process, and you’re doing far better than you give yourself credit for.

So tell your jerkbrain to shut the hell up and to stop dripping poison in your ear. You’re having more success than you realize, and I suspect you’ll find that it’s going to pay off for you sooner, rather than later.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com